Dirty Little Secret: The Damaged Series - Book One

by Shayne McClendon

  You lost a large piece of your life...take the rest back with fierceness and apologize for nothing. Call me for anything, anytime.

  H

  Based on the year printed along the bottom of the photograph, Kendall realized she would have been eleven when it was taken. The summer her mother traveled with her co-workers to the United States. It was a continuing education trip that benefited Antonia’s role as a psychologist specializing in addiction.

  Staring at the photo of her mom and the young man fighting addiction from New York, she could see the sparkle she’d inherited from her mother.

  Tucking everything into the safe at the back of her closet, Kendall called an Uber. She planned to drink a glass or three of wine to celebrate the gallery exhibit.

  She also wanted to drink to the closing of a chapter that had kept her running for sixteen years and destroyed the life and future she’d once thought to have.

  A strange tension had been building inside her since Hayden helped her settle in the friendly Colorado city.

  She’d found a pretty cottage with room for a photography studio. As she was putting her few belongings away, she found the series of photos she took of her and Jared when they were eighteen.

  It felt as if her heart stopped.

  Placing several scenes from the long-ago afternoon on her drafting table, she questioned if she should put them in her upcoming show at Caroline Lang’s gallery. Did she dare?

  They were risqué, to be sure.

  It was some of her best work, filled with passion, but Kendall was unsure of her motivation.

  Then she’d called herself a liar, found the original online file containing the full size versions, and got to work.

  Now, she’d shown that side of herself to the world - even though they had no face to place with the name.

  She put the evidence of her love out into the universe...and maybe secretly hoped for some balance.

  It was long overdue.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Walking the open-air market on a sunny summer day in Boulder, Kendall felt truly free for the first time in a long time. She took her time in a well-loved and familiar place, adding purchases to her shoulder bag as the cool breeze caught her shorter curls and caressed her face.

  She’d cut a lot of her hair for the girl buried under her name. It was almost painful, but she soon decided the shoulder-length style suited her. Two tiny clips held it away from her face and she wore blue contact lenses.

  Over the years, she’d changed her fashion many times. Since arriving in Boulder, she opted for a classic look that separated her from most people her age. She knew the ultra-feminine sundress and heeled sandals were far different from the clothing she chose out of practicality as a teen.

  Back then, she wanted as many layers on her body as possible in case she had to run without anything.

  The market was packed and she wandered from stall to stall, choosing various fruits, cheeses, and breads. The wine vendor smiled and held out her favorite. Grinning, she added it to the rest of her goods.

  She had no real destination in mind. As she stepped into the uncovered center of the market, she lifted her face to soak up the full sunshine and lowered sunglasses over her eyes.

  Late summer was magnificent in Colorado.

  At a small coffee bar, she chatted with the young woman behind the counter and thought about asking for her number.

  Female lovers offered her a physical connection without unnecessary competition with Jared’s memory.

  The woman handed her a receipt with her cell number jotted at the top. Kendall smiled and nodded, walking away to tour the flower displays as she sipped the delicate brew.

  Old habits were hard to break and her eyes moved over faces in the crowd constantly. Even now, she carried a small handgun. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be free of the paranoia of her past...but she’d always be prepared for whatever life threw at her.

  An hour later, she stepped into a small open-air bistro for crusty bread and olive oil, selecting a Mediterranean salad and a glass of white wine as well.

  In the nearby park area, a group of college students played together, laughing as they played a more aggressive version of leapfrog.

  The joy and simplicity of the scene called to her and she removed her camera from her bag, snapping several photos before lowering it with a soft smile.

  Her mood turned melancholy as she recalled watching Jared goof off with his friends in much the same way in high school.

  Before she ever spoke to him, she’d watched him, captivated by something she didn’t fully understand. From the beginning, she saw the potential Jared wasted on silly girls and endless parties.

  Their internal suspension, sitting side by side for three days, was more temptation than Kendall had ultimately been able to deny. She didn’t intend to fall in love with him and she was certain loving her had been the furthest thing from his mind.

  She had no regrets for a single moment they shared. The memories helped her keep going and kept the knowledge of true beauty in the world alive.

  Pulled into the past, she ate slowly and ordered another glass of wine when she was done. Sitting back in the plush chair of the patio restaurant, she enjoyed the sun and idly reflected on what Jared might be doing.

  Sometimes - more often than she liked to admit - she searched his name on the internet. She liked to see current photos and get updates about all the good things he was doing in his hometown.

  He was still beautiful, even more physically attractive. More importantly, it seemed he was striving to reach his full potential as a human being.

  She hadn’t seen evidence of a significant other since he left the NFL but...she certainly wouldn’t be surprised if he was married with children by now.

  After all, she’d been gone a long time.

  The thought made her heart clench painfully. A lump formed in her throat and she wiped tears from beneath her sunglasses. The wine glass clinked as she set it on the metal table with a trembling hand.

  Part of her hoped that Jared was happy and settled fully into a life that he loved. A secret, selfish part of her hoped he still thought about her sometimes.

  It was foolish and unrealistic.

  They’d been teenagers.

  She knew she’d held tightly to her memories of Jared because they were so starkly different from the life she lived before meeting him and the isolation she endured after she left him.

  There was a strong possibility that she’d romanticized their months together - made it more than it was out of loneliness, fear, and grasping at anything that made her feel part of something bigger.

  “Don’t do that. Don’t cheapen it,” she whispered to herself.

  Blotting her eyes, she picked up her bag. It was time to head home. A home that was beautiful and peaceful but empty of the things she’d dreamed about as a young girl.

  Kendall doubted she’d ever have the life she imagined almost twenty years ago. Shaking her head, she reminded herself that she was lucky to be alive. Her parents were proof that things could have gone far, far worse.

  She had no business making a single complaint.

  Removing her wallet, she stood and dropped cash for her bill and a healthy tip on the table.

  A male voice behind her murmured, “Kendall.”

  She experienced a moment of frozen shock before her training and instincts kicked in. She could not respond to a name she hadn’t used in a decade.

  After almost two years of peace, sudden terror almost sent her to her knees. Such fear was no longer familiar to her. The thought of losing her life, as barren as it often felt, had her panting for breath.

  Slinging her bag over her shoulder, she walked rapidly through the tables to the sidewalk beyond. She needed to get lost in the market crowd.

  Nearing the main thoroughfare, a hand on her shoulder made her turn too quickly and she wobbled dangerously in her heels before remembering the gun in her bag.

  Raising her face a
s she reached into the leather satchel, Kendall gasped at the sight of Jared standing less than a foot away. He was more beautiful in person and his eyes had the same intensity as the last time he kissed her.

  It wasn’t possible.

  It had to be her imagination.

  She must have lost her fucking mind.

  She couldn’t get enough air, couldn’t slow her heart rate, and felt him catch her as everything faded to inky black.

  * * *

  Sunlight filtering through the trees above her made Kendall blink rapidly in confusion. For a moment, she couldn’t remember where she was or what inspired her panic.

  Turning her head, she focused on Jared’s face above her. That Jared’s face was above her made her more confused. His smile further strangled her ability to think.

  “Hey, Kendall.”

  She was incapable of forming words. The realization that he held her across his lap on a bench in the quiet park across from the market finally got through the fog. His forearm supported her upper body and his palm gently cupped her waist.

  There were several explosive beats in her heart and then Kendall threw herself against Jared’s chest, her arms wrapping around his shoulders as she sobbed brokenly.

  “Jared…?”

  She breathed in the warm mixture of sandalwood and male, soaked up the hardness of his body, and let his mere presence soothe her aching soul.

  She was exhausted.

  Jared pressed his face to the side of her head and seemed to surround her. His arms tightened as if afraid she’d disappear.

  The minutes ticked by but his hold didn’t loosen and she didn’t want him to let her go. One hand stroked over her hair and down her back.

  At her ear, he whispered, “I missed you, Kendall.”

  Hoarsely, she answered, “I missed you, too.”

  It had been so long since she held him. Too many years since she felt safe and cared for in the way he’d always inspired despite their age and the circumstances at the time.

  Finally pulling her face back to look at him, she waited while he wiped her tears and laid his warm palm along her cheek.

  “How did you find me?” she asked quietly.

  “Your exhibit. Big Country lives in Boulder now. He and his wife were at the gallery. He bought our photo. It’s sitting in my hotel room.” A small frown appeared between his eyes. “I staked out the gallery.”

  Kendall had gone there earlier to pick up a check for the showing. Caroline mentioned a man who came by asking questions about Ken Jacobs. After what Hayden told her, she assumed it was a reporter.

  She never imagined it was Jared.

  “I followed you here. I didn’t want to scare you. It took everything in me to be patient.”

  “Jared…”

  “I also wanted to be sure you weren’t…with someone. If you were, I’d have left you alone.” He lifted her until she sat on his lap. “Are you? With anyone?” She shook her head. “I’ve thought about you every single day. I love you as much today as I did when I was eighteen.”

  Heart slamming in her chest, she told him, “All this time? I-I didn’t think…”

  “I can’t let you go again, Kendall. Don’t make me.”

  Her heart in her throat, she tried to think rationally. “You don’t know what you’re saying. I think I’m safe now but…I’m not willing to risk your life on a maybe, Jared.”

  He gripped her shoulders. “I know exactly what I’m saying. I’ve had a hole inside me since you left. You’re the only person capable of filling it.”

  “There’s a reason I left. It’s too dangerous, Jared.” He presented temptation unlike anything she’d ever felt, reaching inside, and twisting her best intentions.

  She wanted what he offered.

  She needed him.

  Strong fingers cupped the nape of her neck. His touch was electric on her skin. “I know more now, I understand what you’ve been up against, and I can protect us. Believe in me, Kendall. I need you to believe in me.”

  Belief wouldn’t stop a bullet.

  She couldn’t think past putting him in danger…again. The possibility of people like those who killed her parents getting to Jared terrified her on a soul-deep level.

  Then he kissed her. He claimed her mouth and reminded her of the imprint he’d placed on her when she was eighteen.

  Her body, mind, and spirit reacted the way they had all those years ago. A missing puzzle piece settled into place. The kiss saturated every cell that had grieved the loss of him.

  When he lifted away, he stared deeply into her eyes. His voice was rough. “I love you, Kendall. I am begging you – as the man who gave you half his heart – please.”

  She didn’t know what to do. There was what she wanted and what was right. He helped her stand. Taking her hand firmly, he kissed the back.

  “We can talk about all of this later. Right now, I need you to make one choice. Are we going to your place or my hotel?”

  “My house.” Jared growled and kissed her again with an edge of roughness. Her body remembered it well. “Hurry.”

  Then they were running for the waiting cabs just outside the market. No matter what else happened, she needed to touch him again and feel him touch her.

  For fuck’s sake...she’d earned it.

  Chapter Fourteen

  While they ran, Kendall didn’t let go of Jared’s hand. She was scared to death she’d never feel it wrapped around hers again.

  They slid in the back of the cab at the front of the row, their sides sealed from shoulder to knees.

  She breathlessly gave the cabby her address.

  Jared slipped his arm around her, pulled her close, and stroked her hair with his other hand. He whispered, “It still smells like limes and coconut.” He trailed his fingers up and down her arm, as if reminding himself about the way her skin felt. “So soft and warm.”

  Turning her face, she pressed her cheek to his chest and listened to the strong beat of his heart. She didn’t trust herself to speak.

  That he was beside her didn’t seem real.

  That he still loved her seemed like a dream.

  The entire drive, he held her close, breathing deeply, and she was fascinated by the way he seemed to vibrate around her. She wondered if he’d been as adrift as she had.

  Strangely, she never considered that he would feel her loss as deeply as she felt his. She knew he’d grieve but she never thought it would impact him for a decade.

  The cab turned into her quiet neighborhood and stopped in front of the little bungalow that had slowly become her first real home. She handed bills to the driver before Jared could remove his wallet.

  Pushing at him, she murmured, “Go, Jared.”

  He climbed out of the cab and helped her to the driveway. She walked around him and took a key ring from her bag.

  It was almost impossible to get the door unlocked and she exhaled with relief when she swung the door wide and disengaged the alarm system.

  Kicking off her shoes, she reached behind him to lock the door. The second she managed to arm the at-home system, she practically leapt into his arms.

  Lifting her leg, she wrapped it around Jared’s hip. He kissed and touched her everywhere. He kept his fingers spread wide to connect with as much of her as possible.

  Sliding his hand beneath the hem of her dress, he bent to roughly remove her panties. When he was standing again, she reached between them to unbuckle his belt. Almost frantically, she pushed his jeans and boxers just past his hips.

  Wrapping her fist around his cock, she savored the hard silkiness of him. He throbbed against her palm, bigger than she remembered.

  “Now. Please.”

  Jared lifted her, turned, slammed her against the foyer wall, and claimed her mouth. Kendall positioned him at the entrance of her body an instant before he thrust deep and hard.

  She screamed his name and her fingers fisted in his hair. Against his lips, she moaned, “Go hard and remind me. Make me remember everyt
hing.”

  Bracing his feet against the tile floor, he took her with the force she’d gotten addicted to once upon a time.

  He told her hoarsely, “I’ve missed you with all of me. Hearing you say my name, feeling your touch, making you come. You’re so tight and wet.”

  “So many times, I wanted to break the protocol my father drilled into my head. The risks...”

  Kissing her silent, he drove his body into hers until they were slick with sweat. Breaking the kiss, his eyes locked on her.

  “Feel me, Kendall.”

  He never looked away as her body responded to the familiarity of his touch. It was as if all the years hadn’t separated them. The way he looked, smelled, and felt inside her had never faded from her mind.

  “I want to feel you come all over my cock.”

  “Don’t stop.” Her head dropped against the wall. “It’s so powerful…so good. Come with me.”

  Nothing could have stopped her orgasm, tightening her body around him as they shouted their mutual release into the quiet house. She felt his come pump hot inside her without a condom and experienced a single second of panic before she crushed it out.

  It was different to feel every pulse of his release and if it was a dream, she never wanted to wake up.

  “Don’t let me go. Don’t let me go,” she whispered as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

  “We have years to make up for and I won’t stop until you can’t stand up.” A low growl worked its way from his chest as his hands tightened on her ass. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too. I’m sorry.”

  He continued to thrust and she remembered that it kept him from going fully soft. She trembled and didn’t question the tears that streamed down her face.

  Jared lowered them to the floor of her entryway and supported his upper body on his forearms as he fucked her steadily. She felt their combined release seeping from inside her to the tile.

  It was too tactile to be a dream. Jared was with her. He was inside her, and he still loved her.

  Holding the undersides of her shoulders, he kissed her while returning his focus to making her come again. The fierce expression on his face made her heart race and her breathing speed up.