Alyona's Voice

by Joan Shirley-Davies

  ‘I wasn’t expecting…Dear God! This is really serious.’

  ‘I know. Having a baby is a very serious business, Fraser.’

  Fraser walked a few paces. His shoulders lifted and fell as he breathed. He turned about on the spot. His hand clamped to the back of his neck. Then he glared at her. ‘You waited all this time to tell me?’

  Claudia could see he was shocked, but she had no intention of continuing to take all the blame. ‘We pushed the boundaries of our relationship, then early the next morning you were gone. What was I supposed to think about that?’

  ‘I wrote a note.’

  ‘A note, great, every girl likes a note the morning after. Especially one that said it shouldn’t have happened and wouldn’t happen again because you valued my friendship far too much.’

  Fraser was not taking it well. He glowered at her. ‘That’s the truth,’ he snapped. ‘How many more times have I to tell you how important you were…you are to me?’

  Claudia composed herself, but anger was very close to the surface. She went to him, took him by the arm and said, ‘I think you should sit down again. After all, I already knew all this. I was just nervous about telling you. Obviously, I was right about that.’

  They returned to the bench. Fraser said, ‘My note…I tried to be tactful.’

  ‘Tactful?’ Claudia shook her head. ‘Pregnancy isn’t tactful, Fraser. That little testing stick has got a very loud voice. It yells out, “Welcome to the silly girl’s one-night-stand club.”’

  ‘How can you joke about it?’ Fraser retorted.

  Claudia looked at him, with a sudden air of weariness, and shook her head slowly. ‘I’ve done all the weeping, the heartache, and the backache, along with all the other aches you develop along the way. I’ve hung around clinics, trying to convince myself that being pregnant was perfectly normal and natural. But daily retching and piercing pains down your sciatic nerve do not feel perfectly normal…or natural. I wasn’t one of the chosen ones, the lucky girls who breeze through it all with no debilitating symptoms.’ Fraser kept his eyes fixed on hers, but he didn’t speak. It was as if he felt in honour bound to let her say her piece. ‘I’ve done all that. Did it on my own. I had nobody to hold my hand for hours and hours―36 actually.’ Fraser winced but said nothing. ‘I had nobody to swear at. No fingers to squeeze. No loving man to look at me with tears in his eyes and whisper, “Thank you for your pain, thank you for our beautiful baby.”’ She paused a moment, gulped at the lump in her throat and added, ‘Why the hell shouldn’t I joke about it?’

  Fraser took a breath as if to speak, but then he failed to say anything. Claudia observed the disturbed expression on his face, and she could almost hear the workings of his mind. Was she joking? Being sarcastic? Jerking his chain? What the hell was happening here? She pierced a stern look into his eyes. ‘And please don’t insult me by questioning whether the child is really yours.’

  ‘Then don’t insult me by suggesting I would.’

  ‘Don’t you see, I couldn’t allow the news to leak out just anywhere? We needed to talk about it together, quietly and privately, like now. There was no way I was going to have my child plastered all over the papers.’

  ‘Do you have to be so brutally blunt? Just give me a minute to get hold of this. I don’t even know what kind of questions to ask.’

  ‘Was it a boy or a girl? Did it thrive? Did I keep it? Put it up for adoption?’

  ‘Dear God, you didn’t―?’

  ‘No, I didn’t.’ Claudia composed herself. She felt for Fraser and didn’t want to hurt or upset him, but she had to fight her corner just the same. This wasn’t easy. He was a wealthy and powerful man, and she had to keep up with him. ‘Fraser, this isn’t why I wanted to talk to you about it. I got over you and moved on. Now the past is just baggage. I’m concerned with the present. Our child’s name is Justin―your middle name―and he has your surname. Justin Gallier is almost a year old.’

  Fraser’s control slipped, and his voice lashed out as if he could suddenly see a child in his mind. ‘There was never a time in a whole year that you could have told me this? The paparazzi have long-since stopped chasing me about.’

  ‘I’m not here to be hot-seated, so let’s just stick to the facts. I’m a single parent, I’m doing great, but since we met again, the rules have changed. You’ve got a second chance. If you want to join me in raising Justin, then we’ll arrange something. If you don’t, you can continue your childless existence, which is what you always wanted, and I won’t tell a soul. We’ve been fine without you, and we can carry on the same way.’ Claudia, having said her piece, became calmer and much stronger.

  Fraser was still restless. He got to his feet again, ‘You can’t do that,’ he argued, and suddenly they were on opposite sides. ‘We have other decisions to make.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Where he should live, am I not supposed to provide a home for him?’

  ‘No.’ Claudia was irked by his suggestion. ‘He has a home.’

  ‘Which you fund on your own.’

  ‘It’s a perfectly nice cardboard box,’ Claudia said, peeved at his attitude. ‘I even cut a hole in it so we’d have a window.’

  ‘Stop it, Claudia!’

  ‘Well for goodness sake, Fraser, women can actually do bread-winning now. We have a nice home, two in fact. I buy him the best clothes, the best equipment, the best food―he’s thriving.’

  ‘But don’t you realise that he’s heir to everything I own?’

  Claudia gasped. ‘You sound as if I borrowed him from you, but now it’s time to give him back.’ Her voice grew louder as exasperation set in. ‘You expect me to start doing things your way just because my son might have expectations?’

  Fraser lashed back swiftly. ‘If only you’d let me know from the beginning, we would be in agreement by now. It’s obvious that your stubborn streak kicked in back there in the park. You decided that you’d, get the hell over me, as you put it, and keep my child from me.’

  ‘As I recall you never wanted children.’

  ‘And did you at that time?’

  ‘Justin wasn’t planned, but he’s here now, and he lives with me, and if anybody wants to bequeath him an estate, they can come and knock on my cardboard box and tell me. And don’t start putting his name down for schools, either.’

  Fraser was suddenly forceful. ‘Who needs a father when he has you? You can be both I suppose?’

  ‘No, Fraser, I can’t,’ Claudia almost yelled at him. It shocked them both and quietened them. They both took a moment to recover, and then Claudia said, ‘I can only be a mother and a breadwinner. That’s the whole point of this discussion. Please, Fraser, I hate fighting. This isn’t about finances. If it was, I could have made a fortune out of you long ago. I told you, he wants for nothing, except―’

  ‘Except what?’ Fraser scoffed. ‘What the hell am I supposed to give him?’

  Claudia found it hard to make him listen to her. He was so wound up. ‘Your money would give him many advantages but there are other far more important things he needs, and you can make them possible.’

  ‘What are these illusive things that you, the super-parent, can’t provide?’

  ‘A father, grandparents, uncles, aunts and little cousins,’ Claudia answered. Her voice was now calm but she remained strong. ‘You have a wonderful extended family, and there’s so much love and respect between you. Since my grandmother died, there’s none in mine, so I can’t provide that. But you can. A little boy needs affection from his father too. Seeing Tony with his children has taught me that. And that’s why I decided to tell you instead of saying nothing and moving on again.’

  Fraser stood silently, then he ran his fingers over his forehead as if to make his brain work better. After a while, he said, ‘You realise that you can’t deny him the financial security I can give him?’

  ‘You can give him as much money as you like, load his little piggy bank with cash, and get your PA to remind you when
it’s his birthday. But if you can’t give him emotional security, then leave him alone. I won’t allow him to grow up hankering pointlessly for your affection.’

  Fraser nodded, ‘I understand what you’re saying.’ The effects of shock still reflected in his face as they stood in the silent aftermath of emotional conflict. ‘Justin will be welcomed into the family,’ he said at last, ‘and most certainly loved by us all. You know us well enough to believe that. Can I see him?’

  ‘Yes you can. But you should take a little time. Talk it over with your folks. Come to Heather Brow tomorrow, about three. Justin has a nap after lunch, he’ll be in a good mood after that. You really don’t want to meet him, for the first time, when he’s being a little monster.’ Claudia respected his feelings and spoke softly. ‘I’ll be taking tomorrow off as well as the rest of today. Larchwood needs me gone for a while.’

  ‘Can I…bring him a gift?’

  ‘Of course you can. He’s your son, you don’t need my permission to do that.’ Claudia turned from him, but really wanted that hug denied her back in the park. She wanted to comfort Fraser, she knew she’d shocked him, hurt him even. But maybe he was too angry for her to embrace him, this was not a good day for a rebuff. The contact, the discussion about the child, the heat of their words had brought back feelings long since dismissed, and she now questioned her claim that she was ever over him. The love and the need for him were right there where they used to be. She needed to regain her ability to bluff. She looked at him and said quietly, ‘Are you all right, Fraser?’

  ‘Sure, I’ll work it out.’

  ‘See you tomorrow.’ She turned from him.

  ‘Claudia!’ Fraser called out. When she turned back, he said, ‘Who takes care of him when you’re here?’

  ‘Molly, my landlady, she’s a nurse and a childminder. Justin loves her, and he can stay in his own home where he’s secure. It’s the best arrangement we’ve ever had. He likes the farm, loves flowers, and he can say “Cat” in a high squeaky voice.’

  *****

  Fraser was stunned, and a strange mixture of emotions tugged at his insides. He wasn’t afraid of responsibility, but this was unlike anything he had ever faced. The reality of learning that he and Claudia had made this baby was shocking. The guilt of not supporting his own child and his mother began to grip his conscience, even though he resented Claudia’s secrecy. His status as a father seemed so flimsy. He thought of that night, the only time they broke the rules. The memory was vague because he hardly knew where he was at the time. He never did remember how he got to Claudia’s apartment. The news of his business friend had poleaxed him in the way a healthy, active man in his prime feels, when one of his peers is suddenly stuck down. It seemed like a lottery, and he was close to the man who lost. All he could think about was being with Claudia. She didn’t hassle him or question him about it. She allowed him to get through it in his own time. She circled his chest with her arms and rested her head on his shoulder as she whispered, ‘I’m so sorry.’ Then she gave him a glass of wine and sat quietly by his side on the sofa. She listened to the concoction of random thoughts spilling from his mouth, things he needed to say. She was privy to his burning tears. The warmth of her company wrapped around him, like a blanket, shrouded him, absorbed him until he was aware of nothing but her and his lost friend. He hardly drank the wine, but he felt drunk all the same, the intense grief and the consuming comfort brewed a potent drug, and he fell asleep. His dreams were haunting until he became aware of Claudia, as she tried to move him.

  ‘You can’t go home like this,’ she told him and persuaded him to go to her spare room. His body felt weak but hot, and he couldn’t clear his head, but with Claudia’s help, he managed to get into bed. She brought him some water, but his hand shook, so she closed her fingers around his while he drank it down. He reached for her, but she made him lie down. He couldn’t let her go, his comforter, his rock. She lay by his side. ‘Sleep now,’ she told him.

  Sometime during that night, still half-sleeping, half-waking, they entwined together, languidly. No great passion or fires burning to urge them into a union, it was like a gentle, compelling journey, and he lost himself in her. It was almost supernatural, dream-like. A sensual experience without the frenzied striving, but the engulfing height was reached all the same. He left early in the morning under a cloud of remorse for what had happened. He wrote a note. Claudia deserved better, but he couldn’t bring his head together long enough to think rationally. It had haunted him. But when Paloma Cardini came into his life, like a fireball, she distracted him completely. She was the antidote—a hot, sexy movie star—erotic by night but chaotic by day. He had since questioned his actions. Was it a ploy to get back into his old ways, a panic reaction to the night he’d spent with Claudia, because it had drawn emotions from him that he never allowed himself to feel?

  Tony and Eliot sat at the table on the terrace. Fraser wanted to tell them straight away, while they were together.

  ‘I know what you’re feeling.’ Tony spoke calmly and steadily. ‘I’ve been there, remember? Maybe Louisa meant to tell me that Stephanie had been born but left it too late. It was a dreadful thought that my little girl could have been adopted as a foundling, and I would never have known about it…about her. I understand that anger, that tearing inside you. I’d still feel it now if Lizzy hadn’t taught me to forgive. We’ll help you do that, but you’ll have to hold it down until you can deal with it properly. Claudia’s very independent, she might just as well have moved on from here, but she had the courage to stay and face you. You need to find a way to embrace it all rather than constantly asking why.’

  ‘Is that all she asked you for,’ Eliot said, ‘a father, grandparents…us?’

  ‘Yes, she can care for him and meet his needs, but she’s come to realise the importance of a loving family.’ Fraser paused a moment and then continued, his voice low and a little unsteady. ‘Aside from her grandmother, she had no experience of that. I guess that’s why she didn’t think it was important, until now. I know I’m as much to blame, but he’s almost a year old. I feel so cheated, betrayed somehow.’

  Eliot looked at Fraser. ‘I suppose it hurts all the more because it’s Claudia. But she’s admitted that she was wrong about the child needing a father and family, given you a choice whether you want to be involved or not.’

  Fraser knew they were trying to help him through this. Their comments made sense, but he couldn’t shake off the bitter feeling. He never wanted children, but once he knew that Justin existed, he felt an overwhelming need to protect him and couldn’t accept that he’d missed the opportunity to do that until now.

  Chapter Twelve

  Fraser strolled through the garden. It wasn’t quite time to leave for Heather Brow. His insides were churning, and his head still ached from a lack of sleep. A brief visit to Wainford did nothing to ease his frustration. Claudia seemed to be well and truly in control of the situation whilst he was still trying to believe what was happening. He stood by the small tree that had been planted in memory of Louisa, Stephanie’s birth mother. He’d seen the tree many times and respected it for what it was, but at that moment he realised just how much strength and backbone Tony needed to forgive her. But how could he follow Tony’s example and forgive Claudia? Where would all that understanding and forgiveness come from? There was certainly none in his angry soul at this moment. He strolled on to his car that was parked at the front entrance.

  Lizzy came out to see him. She was calm, but he knew her well enough to know that she was very concerned. Her voice was soft, but the message was clear. ‘Don’t judge her, Fraser. Whatever you think, it hasn’t been easy for her.’

  ‘But it was the way she wanted it.’

  ‘No woman wants to go through pregnancy on her own, then take a new born baby back to an empty house. Do you think she enjoyed standing there, trying to make the right decisions? You’ve been concerned about the responsibility you took on at Wainford, how worried you were about l
etting the people down. But to be responsible for a new life is a lot more frightening than that. I had it all, a husband, private care, family, and still I found it challenging. I can’t imagine doing all that alone.’

  Fraser desperately needed a deep breath, but his lungs stopped short. ‘I need to buy a gift for Justin. He likes cats. Shall I get a soft one? Would that be OK?’

  ‘Yes, just a little one that he can hold easily and put in his bag when he goes out.’

  ‘Bag?’

  Lizzy smiled. ‘All children come with a bag. They need one for when they go out―nappies, change of clothes, drink, little book, comfort item…’

  Fraser nodded. ‘I can see that I’m starting a long way behind. Cat it is then…small cat.’

  When he reached Heather Brow Cottage, Fraser had to admit that it was a lovely spot, and the cottage was picturesque. Claudia was indeed coping very well. He got out of the car and looked around at the hillside. He imagined Claudia gathering heather to dye her yarn and then recalled the way she stirred it in her noxious potion, her scarf slipping down her forehead…and that ridiculous lab coat. He had no idea that the person in the sugar room would turn up looking like a star, tango like an Argentinian gypsy. He had learned more about her in the past two weeks than he knew before they lost touch. But he never suspected for a moment that she was the mother of a child―his child.

  The door of the cottage was open wide, and he assumed it was an invitation to enter. He could hear Claudia’s voice talking cheerfully. Then he heard baby laughter, it stopped him in his tracks. The infectious chuckle and babbling sounds continued and caused a shiver to ripple down his back. He fully intended to approach this moment with dignity and control, so he followed the voices that were now accompanied by a loud knocking sound.