The Lies We Believe

by Dr. Chris Thurman

  I wonder sometimes if it would not be good for most of us to have a near-death or a Rip Van Winkle experience so that we could have a personal awakening. Consider this: Russel Noyes reported in Psychiatry magazine that after studying the lives of two hundred people who had near-death experiences, 23 percent felt the ordeal had helped them discover more of what life was all about.3They said they learned that life was brief and precious, and this realization gave greater zest to their lives. They also said they had heightened perceptions of their immediate surroundings and, hence, had greater emotional responsiveness to all living things. They learned to live in the moment and to savor time. They developed an urge to enjoy as much as possible before it was too late.

  These findings coincide with work psychiatrist Irvin Yalom did with people who had terminal cancer. Yalom reported that once his patients accepted the fact that their lives were rapidly drawing to an end, significant changes in priorities and behavior became evident along the following lines:

  • A rearrangement of life’s priorities, a trivializing of the trivial.

  • A sense of liberation; being able to choose not to do those things they did not wish to do.

  • An enhanced sense of living in the immediate present, rather than postponing good times until after retirement or some other point in the future.

  • A vivid appreciation of the elemental facts of life: the changing seasons, a fresh breeze, autumn leaves turning colors, and holiday joyousness.

  • Deeper communication with loved ones.

  • Fewer interpersonal fears, less concern about rejection, and greater willingness to take risks.4

  It’s sad to admit, isn’t it, that most of us would have to almost die or be dying before we would begin to appreciate life. We really don’t know what we have until we almost lose it. Norman Cousins aptly stated, “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life is what dies inside of us while we live.”

  Tolstoy’s short story “The Death of Ivan Ilyich” brings out this point about the difference between going through life and actually living life to the fullest. Ivan Ilyich is a sour and evil fellow. He develops cancer and begins to suffer greatly. As he endures his agony, he comes to a life-changing realization: he is dying badly because he has lived badly. The recognition of this truth alters Ivan Ilyich’s whole perspective on life, and he makes radical changes in his personality and his way of living. He starts to see life as valuable, and he attempts to make the maximum use of whatever time he has left.

  The inevitability of death can motivate us to live life more passionately. Knowing death is waiting on us can actually push us to spend our days well. If we spend our lives well, death loses its sting. Leonardo da Vinci put it this way: “As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well-used brings happy death.”

  You are going to die. That is a given. The more important issue is this: How are you living?

  Growthwork

  As we draw this chapter to an end, I’m going to walk you through an activity that can motivate you to make the most of the time you have left to live. Let me preface the explanation by reminding you of Charles Dickens’s classic story A Christmas Carol. You will recall that Ebenezer Scrooge spent his life in a miserly, selfish, lonely existence. All he cared about was accumulating and hoarding money.

  Then one Christmas Eve a supernatural thing occurred: three ghosts visited Scrooge. One ghost made him recall his past and forced him to confront the fact that he had once had good friends and the love of a beautiful young lady, but his greed had driven them all away.

  The second ghost made Scrooge take a revealing look at the present. He saw starving children, overworked laborers, and destitute beggars whom he passed without seeing every day on his way to work. He saw the family of his employee Bob Cratchit. Bob’s youngest son, Tiny Tim, was dying because the family lacked money for proper medical care for the boy. If Scrooge had ever had an ounce of concern, he would have known of the situation, but he was always too occupied counting his gold and reviewing the ledgers.

  The third ghost showed Scrooge the immediate future. Not only was Tiny Tim going to die, but so was Scrooge. After his death, people were going to ransack his house and mock his memory. Everyone would rejoice over his death. No one would put flowers on his grave.

  Naturally, all this terrified old Ebenezer. He recognized that he had wasted his life in petty, lonely, small-minded activities.

  As you know, the story has a happy ending. Scrooge was given a second chance. Instead of dying, he was allowed to go on living for several more years. Scrooge set to work immediately to make up for lost time. He bought food for the poor; he donated money to the needy; he paid a visit to his nephew’s home; and he gave Bob Cratchit a raise that doubled his salary. All this change in his character made him “as giddy as a school boy.” We are left with the feeling that Scrooge probably did more living during the last years of his life than he did in all the previous sixty years.

  Now, I want you to have the same experience. In your journal, write in today’s date. Then jot down some of the accomplishments of your life, such as “graduated from college,” “spent two years in U.S. Army,” “married for eleven years,” “raised two terrific children,” “elected church deacon,” “won four tennis trophies,” “completely rebuilt a 1965 Mustang,” “became store manager in 1992.” Make a note of whatever you are proud of having achieved in life thus far.

  Then, skip a line, and write in what the date will be exactly one year from today. Underneath that date, write down three or four things that would greatly enrich your life if you were to accomplish them within that time frame. You might jot down “attend a seminar on money management” or “read the whole Bible” or “start a sideline business in antique jewelry” or “take a class in real estate” or “develop a closer relationship with my best friend.” Consider these to be your goals for the coming year.

  Continuing in this manner, write in the dates five, ten, and twenty years from today. Stretch your imagination. What would you like to do, like to be, like to experience, like to learn, like to share, like to see, and like to try by those dates?

  Finally, like Scrooge, try to leap (via your imagination) to the end of your life. What will people remember about you after you die? What will your obituary say? How would a Who’s Who entry about you read at the end of your life? Put these dreams and goals into a list, for example, “was a loving spouse” or “became a millionaire” or “won a seat in Congress” or “wrote a best-selling novel” or “discovered a cure for AIDS” or “was named Teacher of the Year” or “visited twenty countries” or “discovered a rare archeological dig.” Put down on paper your greatest ambitions.

  Now, here is a gift more valuable than you may have ever stopped to appreciate: you get to go on living. You have something more valuable than gold—life! You have time—time to pursue your goals and to fulfill your dreams. Yes, one day you are going to die. That painful truth can’t be escaped by any of us.

  But today, it really is lights, camera, action! You are being asked to step out on stage and give your best effort. You have the gift of life to use as meaningfully and abundantly as possible. With all that you have in you, give life your best shot.

  Remember, pale death beats at your door. Live!

  18

  IS THERE AN ULTIMATE SOURCE OF TRUTH?

  Keep one thing in view forever—the truth; and if you do this, though it may seem to lead you away from the opinion of men, it will assuredly conduct you to the throne of God.

  —Horace Mann

  I hope by this point in the book you are convinced that believing lies destroys your emotional health, intimate relationships with others, and closeness with God and that believing the truth enables you to have all three.

  Yet a critically important question remains to be answered: Is there an ultimate source of truth? Carl Jung, one of the founders of modern psychology, got to the heart of the matter when he asked, “Are we related to s
omething infinite or not? That is the telling question of life.”

  I agree with Carl Jung—the most important question we can ask concerns whether or not an infinite being exists. If the answer is yes, then we have found our authority on truth, and we can stop looking. If the answer is no, then the field is wide open, and everyone’s version of “truth” needs to be considered.

  Is there an infinite being who is the ultimate authority on truth? I’d like to give you my answer to that question by taking you back into my counseling office.

  Where Does Truth Come From?

  Do you remember my client Bill from Chapter 7? When I first introduced you to him, he was struggling with a major job setback, guilt over how he had handled a situation involving his son, and frustration toward his wife concerning pressure she was putting on him to buy a new home. I attempted to help Bill with his problems by encouraging him to discover and apply the truth to each situation that was bothering him.

  Bill worked pretty hard in counseling to dedicate himself to the truth. Certain truths were especially important in helping him face his problems. We talked frequently about the truth “to err is human” in an effort to help him accept that making mistakes as a worker, a spouse, and a parent is unavoidable and no cause for self-condemnation. We spent a number of sessions on the truth “you don’t have to” to help Bill overcome the erroneous notion that he had to do what people wanted him to do, such as buy a new home when he knew it wasn’t the right thing to do at that time. We also explored the truth “you can’t please everyone” to enable him to defeat his self-destructive style of trying to keep everyone in his life happy. Finally, we worked pretty hard on facing the fact that “no pain, no gain,” to help Bill tackle problems head-on, whatever the cost may be, rather than run from them, hoping they will go away. He had put a lot of time and energy into counseling, and the dividends were showing. He was more peaceful, content, and confident, and his relationships with people at work, his wife, and his son had noticeably improved.

  As our work together neared completion, Bill and I turned our attention to the focus of this chapter. Here is how it went: “Dr. Thurman, I feel that I’ve made a lot of progress in counseling. All my problems haven’t disappeared, but I’m a lot less driven to please everyone, more realistic about making mistakes, and freer from feeling that I have to do things just because people want me to. I’ve also come to appreciate that for good things to happen, I need to face problems head-on and be willing to go through some pain in the process.”

  “You’ve worked hard to face the truth and apply it to your life, Bill. Your efforts have paid off nicely. I couldn’t be happier about the progress you’ve made.”

  “There is something bothering me, though.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Well, you and I have worked diligently on the truth, and there is no doubt that it has helped. But outside of just using common sense or relying on people like yourself to help me, how can I really know what the truth is?”

  “That’s a good question. I struggled with that same issue in my life at one point.”

  “How did you resolve it?”

  “I know psychologists are supposed to keep their personal convictions out of the counseling office, but I would like to answer your question honestly and directly.”

  “Good. I’d like to hear what you think.”

  “I realized somewhere along the way that neither my intellectual abilities nor anyone else’s are enough to reliably know what the truth is. What people have called ‘truth’ throughout history changes too much, as have my own notions of truth. Five hundred years ago, the greatest thinkers of the day thought the earth was flat. So, as smart as people are, they aren’t perfectly smart. In fact, people are pretty imperfectly smart.”

  “You don’t trust people’s ability to know what’s true?”

  “No, certainly not completely. People have not proven to be very good at getting the truth figured out. As much as we might want to trust human intelligence and reason as a way to know what’s true, it often falls short. Sometimes it fails miserably. Some of the worst evils ever committed by mankind have been done in the name of what people thought the ‘truth’ was. So, no, I don’t totally trust myself or others to know the truth.”

  “Who do you trust?”

  “God.”

  “That simple, huh?”

  “That simple.”

  Is There Any Proof God Exists?

  “Why? I mean, how do you know He even exists, much less that He can help you with truth?”

  “There are three main reasons I think He exists. The most basic is the universe itself and those of us who live in it. I don’t think the universe created itself, and I don’t believe we human beings came out of some primordial chemical swamp.”

  “You have a hard time believing what scientists have to say about the origin of life and how the universe came about.”

  “Yes, Bill, I do. Scientists change their minds a lot and don’t even agree with one another on these matters. I sometimes wonder if they even believe their own theories. It is almost as if they just can’t bring themselves to admit there is a God, so they have to come up with some way of explaining things without Him. As far as I’m concerned, some of their explanations for why the universe exists and how we humans came about require more faith than what is needed for believing in the existence of God.”

  “You don’t trust their motives,” Bill replied, starting to sound a lot like a counselor.

  “No, I don’t. The bottom line is that I believe the universe and those of us in it testify to the existence of a supremely intelligent being who brought everything into being. Let me give you an analogy for this. If I walk up to a golf course, I know somebody had to create it. It didn’t just magically show up there as a result of some ‘big bang’ or whatever. Its beauty and its design tell me someone very smart and creative was behind it. Same thing with humans. The beauty of how we are made, the design that went into us, the way all of our parts work together suggest an incredibly brilliant, creative designer. On that basis alone, I believe there is a God.”

  “You said there were ‘reasons’ you believe in the existence of God. What is another?”

  “He made an appearance.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean God came here. He showed up on the planet.”

  “Christ, right?”

  “Right. Not only did God make our universe, but He decided to show up in the person of Jesus Christ in order to prove His existence.”

  “How do you know Christ was God and not just some great person?”

  “Well, while there have been a number of ‘great’ people throughout history who had a lot of valuable things to say about life, Christ was different.”

  “How?”

  “He didn’t just claim to know a lot of truth. He claimed to be truth.”

  “He equated Himself with truth?” Bill asked.

  “Yes. He made no distinction between Himself and truth. That claim made Him either the greatest lunatic of all time or who He said He was—God in human form.”

  “Why didn’t it mean He was a lunatic? After all, that is one grandiose claim.”

  “Not if it is true, and in Christ’s case I believe it was true. I think He proved His claim a number of ways.”

  “How?”

  “First, He lived a morally perfect life. That alone made Him different. No one had ever done that before, nor has anyone done it since. Second, He performed many miracles during His time on earth, thirty-five of which were recorded in the Bible. No human being could have done the things He did.”

  “Like walk on water, turn water into wine, and give sight to the blind?”

  “Exactly. Performing miracles also made Him different and substantiated His claim as far as I’m concerned. But He did something even more miraculous than perform miracles. He came back from the dead, which He predicted He would do. I have never seen anyone pull that off, either.”

  �
��Neither have I. So you are saying that not only did He make the claim to be God, but He backed it up?”

  “Yes. To me, all that He did is a pretty impressive résumé for the title of God that He claimed.”

  “You said there were three main reasons you believe God exists. What’s the third reason?”

  “Changed lives.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve seen people significantly changed because of their belief in Christ. That is the modern-day miracle that Christ keeps performing, even though He is no longer here in a physical body. Christ brings about change in people’s lives that is truly miraculous. I have seen alcoholics quit drinking, rageaholics quit raging, selfish people learn to have concern for others, and fearful people become bold because of their commitment to Christ. My life has been changed because of my belief in Christ in ways that I cannot attribute to my efforts or power or understanding.”

  “Isn’t that a lot of religious hocus-pocus? How do you know people who believe in Christ don’t change for some other reason? How do you know they changed because of their relationship with Christ?”

  “I can’t categorically prove to you that these changes weren’t due to the power of believing or other factors, but the view I have had of these changes in my life and the lives of others tells me a supernatural force was at work bringing about the changes, not human effort alone.”

  “So you put a lot of stock in Christ and what He had to say about the truth?”

  “No, I haven’t put a ‘lot of stock’ in Christ. I’ve put all of my stock in Him. Christ is the centerpiece of my life. In fact, my faith in Christ dictates how I counsel people. It dictated the way I worked with you. My work with you has been based on truths straight from God, right out of the Bible.”

  Applied Theology

  “You mean to tell me that our work together has been based on what the Bible says?”