Never Letting Go

by Kristin MacQueen

  “Are you excited to see all your old friends?” She gives me a sweet smile but I don’t have the energy to return it.

  “Mom, I don’t have any old friends. Any friends I had are now strangers. We were gone for so long; I'm not looking forward to today. I just want to curl up in bed and read a book.”

  “Frankie, we talked about this.”

  “I know, I know. I just wish you’d let me do online school. It’s my last year anyway.”

  “I can't take the thought of you being in this house twenty-four hours a day. You need to spend time with people your age.”

  “Mooooom...” I moan. I don’t understand why she can't see my side of things.

  No one wants to start a new school their senior year of high school. I left all my friends behind when we left the city and came back to my home town. I'm not saying I regret it but it’s still hard. After my dad died, I didn’t want to stay there, I wanted to move. My friends became awkward, they weren’t sure how to act around me. It was so frustrating, all I wanted was for everyone to treat me like normal and not the fragile teen who just lost their dad.

  “Just give it a chance, Frankie. By Christmas break, if you still wanna do cyber school, we can discuss it again.”

  “Fine.” I glance down at my watch and groan. “I guess I better get going.”

  “You’re going to have a great first day, sweetie. Make sure you say hi to Noah, you know he’ll want to hang out with you now that you’re back.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” I mutter, thinking about the scowl he pinned me with and how he shut his curtains, never returning my wave or smile.

  I step outside making it to my car just in time to see Noah speed away in his jeep. Yeah, I'm sure we’re going to become BFF’s real fast.

  Chapter Four

  Noah

  I whip my wrangler into a spot in the school parking lot, throw it in park and look around. It’s the same sea of classmates I’ve been with for the past twelve years. The goth group’s hanging out in the shadows of the building, the artsy kids are sitting on the steps with sketch books out. The athletes and cheerleaders are over in the grass either throwing around a ball or gossiping. There’s even a group of nerds rushing into the school, wanting to get a head start on their day.

  I don’t see her. She isn't with any of the groups. She used to like art a lot. Will she end up being one of the kids on the steps, sketching everything they see? Maybe she became an athlete and will hang out in my group. Or maybe she became a geek. She didn’t look goth when I was spying on her so I doubt she’ll hang out with them.

  Frankie’s an interesting person though, she fits in with everyone, always including as many people as she can. The girl doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.

  I feel so guilty about the first day I saw her. She gave me a small shy smile and waved to me, all I did was scowl and shut my curtains. She didn’t deserve it.

  I want so badly for us to find our way back to the friendship we once had but I'm not sure if it’s even possible.

  “Hey, Noah.” Bianca says as she appears at my side. Looking up at me with hopeful eyes, sticking her chest out, hoping to gain my attention.

  She’s been hinting we should get together for months but I’ve kept her at a distance so far. I don’t want her as my girlfriend. She’s pretty high maintenance, I don’t need the hassle of someone like that.

  “Hey, Bianca.” I say with my permanent scowl on my face.

  I know when I started scowling all the time. It was after Frankie left. Every day without her became harder and harder to deal with. She was my best friend, the peanut butter to my Nutella, the chocolate to my marshmallow. Without her, life was blah. I became more and more unhappy as the days wore on.

  Common sense would point out Frankie’s back, I should try to restart my friendship with her but I'm hurt. When she left, I thought we’d keep in contact, I thought we’d still see each other just a little less often. In the beginning we’d call each other on the weekends, talk for an hour or so but then one weekend I’d have football and the next she’d have a photography class. Soon we’d missed months of our weekend talks and just grew apart. I don’t know how to get back to how it used to be.

  Bianca’s running one of her fake talons up and down my chest. Everything about this girl’s fake. Her fake nails, fake eye lashes, fake blonde hair. I hate it all.

  She’s the captain of the cheerleading squad and thinks its destiny for us to be together since I'm the captain of the football team. We’re not destined to be anything, not even friends. I only tolerate her because we hang out in the same circles.

  “What are you doing this weekend, Noah?”

  I grimace down at Bianca, internally rolling my eyes when she bats her fake lashes at me.

  “I don’t know, B. It’s only Monday.” I grab her wrist, pulling it away from my chest. I don’t want her hands on me no matter how much she thinks I do.

  “Well, I'm having a party to celebrate the start of school. I’d love you to come.”

  A 1970 black dodge charger pulls into the lot and parks a few spaces away from my wrangler. I can't pull my eyes away from the beauty. That’s been my dream car for as long as I can remember. Mr. Valdo had one he was restoring when we were little. He used to let Frankie and I help him when he’d work on it. He’d ask us for tools and we’d pretend to know what he was talking about. If we handed him the wrong tool, he’d pretend to use it then ask for the other wrench or the other screwdriver until we got it right. He had it painted right before they moved away, putting our initials on the front left bumper, all the way at the bottom.

  Without thought, I glance at the front left bumper, looking for the initials I'm sure won’t be there. But I find exactly what I'm searching for.

  Holy crap. That’s Mr. Valdo’s car, which means Frankie’s in there.

  The driver’s door opens, one heeled leather ankle boot steps out followed by long legs in tight black jeans. Frankie stands to her full height, sunglasses hiding half her face. She looks around, running her hand through her hair. The sun catching the silky strands and high lights the red in her hair, only noticeable when she’s outside.

  Leaning her seat forward, she grabs her bag out of the back seat, flinging it over her shoulder.

  “Who the hell is she?” Bianca hisses beside me.

  “Frankie.” I say with a smile pulling on the corner of my lips, but I quickly school my features. I don’t smile, I scowl. I'm the broody guy, the person people keep their distance from.

  “Frankie who?”

  “Frankie Valdo.”

  “Why’s she back?”

  “Her dad died.”

  “So what?”

  I turn, glaring down at Bianca. She’s such a horrible human being, always has been.

  “Why do you care?” I ask in a low voice laced with anger. I hate how Bianca treats other people. She’s hated Frankie since we were in elementary school. I still don’t know why; I don’t think Frankie even knows why.

  “I can't stand her.” Bianca pouts.

  “Why?”

  Bianca glares at me like her reasons are completely obvious, annoyed she even needs to participate in this conversation.

  “Because, she thinks she’s so much better than everyone else and she isn't. I'm so much better than she is.”

  “You’re really not.” I mutter under my breath.

  Apparently, Bianca hears me because she huffs, crosses her arms over her chest, glare intensifying.

  Her eyes shift over to Frankie again, I'm surprised to find Frankie staring right at me. I cock my head to the side, my scowl growing. Why’s she staring at me? Why does she look like she’s about to cry?

  Before I can process anything else, Bianca throws herself into my body, her arms wrap around the back of my neck, pulling my head down to hers. Her lips are on mine before I know what’s happening. Her kisses are rough, sloppy and include way too much spit. I push her away as soon as I can.

&nbs
p; “Get off me, Bianca.”

  My gaze snaps over to where I last saw Frankie but she isn't there. I turn in a circle, scanning the entire parking lot and back of the school for her. She’s gone.

  Chapter Five

  Frankie

  When I pull into the parking spot, I sit in my car for a few moments. I need this time to collect myself before I head into the building. This is the first time I’ll see these people in almost four years. The first time I’ll see any of them since my dad died. I'm not prepared to answer questions like where did I go? When did I come back? The worst will be, why did you come back?

  I used to look forward to school. I had so many friends here; I was nice to everyone and everyone was nice to me. I wasn’t in a special click or social group; I was free to hang out with anyone and everyone without feeling like I was disturbing the rules of school.

  The only person who was constantly by my side was Noah.

  Being back in Willow’s really difficult. Losing my dad destroyed me, I haven’t really found a way back to living yet. I'm going through the motions, pretending I'm back to my old self but I know it’s a lie. My mom knows it’s a lie too. But coming to Willow Valley High’s like a sucker punch to the gut. Seeing Noah every single day’s going to be like one stab after another into my already broken heart. Knowing we aren’t friends and yet still seeing him is going to kill me.

  That’s the difference between losing my dad and losing Noah. The pain of losing my dad will never go away. Sure, it will lessen over time, hurt a little bit less each day but it will never fully go away. I'm sure weeks, months or even years from now, I’ll see a stranger on the street and they’ll remind me of him. I’ll hear a joke or a phrase he used to say and it will hurt all over again. I’ll never get over losing my dad but I’ll learn to live without him. Learn to be happy again and to live the way he would’ve wanted me to. I’ll push myself to succeed and accomplish all the things we talked about because it will help keep his memory alive in my life. I’ll move on with my life without him because there’s nothing else I can do.

  But Noah? Noah causes a different sort of pain. I’ll see him every day for the next year. I’ll see him hanging out with his friends, knowing I'm not a part of his group anymore. I will see him in his room, shutting his curtain because he doesn’t want to see me. I’ll watch him walk away from me like I'm a complete stranger. Each and every time will be like I'm losing him all over again. Each and every time will hurt like hell.

  I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. I want to stay locked in here forever, reliving the memories I have of Dad letting Noah and I help fix up this old car. Back when my life was perfect and I never realized what it was like to lose someone so important to me.

  I open my door, pulling myself back to the present. I run a hand through my hair as I scan the parking lot. I spot a few people I recognize. Sure, they're older and have changed a lot but there’s enough similarities I still recognize them. Most of the students look like complete strangers though.

  I lean my seat forward, grab my bag out of the backseat and throw it over my shoulder. I lock my door, stepping away when my name drifts through the air, the feminine voice instantly makes me cringe. I can't place her voice though. I glace up, eyes locking on Noah standing a few cars away talking to a girl.

  The girl’s pretty if you’re into the bleach blonde barbie type. She narrows her eyes at me, her resting bitch face permanently in place. Crap. She isn't just some girl. That’s Bianca Carmichael. Bianca’s hated me since kindergarten. Her hatred towards me grew as we got older. She was always mad Noah was my best friend and she wanted to date him. Noah, being the awesome friend he is, ignored her because she always treated me like trash. I never told him why she hated me but I'm sure he’s figured it out by now.

  My eyes water and I hate myself for it. Noah isn't mine; I can't control who he hangs out with, but dang does it hurt to see him with the one person I’ve hated throughout my entire life.

  Noah cocks his head to the side, examining me with a scowl on his face.

  Jeez, Noah, I get it, you hate me too, you don’t need to constantly glare at me.

  Before I can prepare myself, Bianca’s sucking his face like her life depends on it. Her arms are wrapped around his neck, her fingers thread through his hair. My chest aches like someone just stabbed a knife through my heart.

  Just walk away, Frankie. Noah’s no one to you, a complete stranger.

  The problem is, he isn't a stranger. For most of my life he’s been everything to me. But now he’s nothing. Another person passing by me in school.

  I pull my eyes away from them, heading into the school as quickly as I can. I don’t want to witness him kissing Bianca, I don’t want to remember her touching him like that.

  I head straight to the front office to get my schedule and locker number.

  “Frankie Valdo, is that you?” I look up and find Mrs. Vaccaro, Noah’s mom, standing behind the desk.

  “Yes. How are you, Mrs. Vaccaro?”

  “I'm great, sweetie. It’s so good to see you!”

  “Thanks. It’s nice to see you too. I was coming to get my locker combination and schedule. Do you know who I need to talk to?”

  “I'm your lady! Let me get it for you.”

  She walks away, disappearing into another office. I glance around at the different sports photos. Baseball, hockey, basketball, football... There’s Noah. Captain of the football team.

  I run my fingers over the picture of him, trying to hold in the emotions coursing through me. I want to fling myself into his arms and ask him to help take away the pain.

  “Here ya go, Frankie. There’s a map in there, I circled all your classes as well as where your locker is. I hope you have a great first day of school! If you need anything at all, come see me.”

  She over enunciates the words anything and all. I know what she’s trying to say, she’s here for me if I have a break down or if I need someone to talk to about my dad or being back here without him. I appreciate the gesture but I don’t want to be reminded of him right now. I want to get this day over and done with, I want to hide in my bed.

  “Thanks, Mrs. Vaccaro. I’ll see you later.”

  I wave over my shoulder as I make my way down the hallway, following the map to where my locker is supposed to be.

  I scan the locker numbers as I walk, counting down to locker 382. Most students are still outside, it’s mostly vacant in here.

  “389... 388... 387... 386...385...” I mumble the numbers to myself as I go. “384... 383... 38- ooph.” The air leaves my body as I smash into someone else. It’s like hitting a brick wall.

  Stumbling back a few feet, I trip over my own feet. Right before I fall down, two arms reach out, gripping my waist, pulling me back against their solid body.

  “You ok?” A deep voice rumbles. The owner’s hands wrapped securely around my waist, settled on my lower back. An unfamiliar warmth spreads from where his hands hold me, electricity spreads from his hands through my body. I nod my head but don’t say anything.

  I’ve never felt this type of reaction to a guy and it’s making me nervous, uncomfortable. I try to pull out of his arms but his grip tightens on me.

  “Frankie...” My name falls off his tongue in the most delicious way. I’ve never liked the sound of my name as much as when he says it. My eyes drift up his torso to his shoulders, neck then face.

  Taking a step back in surprise at who saved me, he doesn’t try to stop me this time.

  “Noah...” I whisper.

  “Hey,” He says softly, his scowl still perfectly in place.

  “Sorry, I... uh... I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

  “It’s fine. Just don’t make a habit of it.”

  “I-I won’t. I was trying to find my locker.”

  “What locker?”

  “382.”

  “Great. We’re locker neighbors too.” His voice drips with sarcasm, I flinch at how annoyed he sounds.

 
The Noah I left behind was sweet, helpful, caring. He would’ve been excited to have his locker next to mine. My Noah smiled every time he saw me. This man standing in front of me, he isn't my Noah. He’s a stranger.

  My chest squeezes painfully with the realization, my best friend’s now a complete stranger to me. My eyes fill with tears but I refuse to let them fall. I'm not going to cry over losing someone who no longer cares about me.

  “Don’t worry, you can ignore me just as easily here, as you do at home.” I snap. Making quick work of opening the lock, shoving some things in then slamming the door. I make my way down the hall, following the map to find my first class without ever looking back at Noah.

  Chapter Six

  Noah

  Frankie’s words are like a knife through my chest.

  Don’t worry, you can ignore me just as easily here, as you do at home.

  I screwed up. Big time.

  I'm not trying to hurt Frankie. She’s the last person in the world I’d want to hurt but I don’t know how to go back to the guy I was before she moved away. She was my best friend and she left me. I lost everything the day she left. It was like my entire world crumbled; the only person who ever mattered was gone.

  I became angry and the anger never left me. I walked around with a massive chip on my shoulder and a permanent glare. I ignored everyone and kept to myself. Somehow, people liked this and soon everyone wanted to be my friend. It was like because I didn’t give a shit, they wanted to know me, wanted to be friends with me.

  “Who’s she?” Liam asks as he comes up beside me. He’s the only person who I actually consider a friend anymore.

  “Frankie.” I say on a sigh. I don’t understand why she hates me so much.

  “She new?” We start walking towards our first period classes.

  I chuckle at his question. Liam’s the only person who gets to see a glimpse of the real me. The much less angry version of me. He moved here after Frankie left. It’s like he’s the only person who didn’t know I lost my other half. He didn’t ask questions about her like others did and it made me like him all the more.