Never Letting Go

by Kristin MacQueen

  The paramedics gently lift Noah’s still body, putting a back board under him. When they get him in position, they put a brace on his neck, making sure he isn't injured any further.

  “We’ll meet you at the hospital.” The paramedic tells the Vaccaro’s. I walk beside the stretcher, holding Noah’s hand the entire way.

  “We’re right behind you, Frankie!” I hear Miranda yell but I can't focus on her. Noah’s all that matters.

  The back of the ambulance is tiny, almost impossible to move but I don’t care. I can't leave him. We’re about halfway to the hospital when Noah starts moaning. My heart pounds against my ribs, a nearly deafening noise that no one else is aware of.

  “Baby, I'm here. Open your eyes.” His eyes flutter open and shut, like he’s struggling with the effort.

  “Frankie...” His words are slurred, almost impossible to understand. “My head hurts...”

  “I know. You need to stay still, Noah.” I inch closer to him, wanting as much physical contact as I can possibly get. He’s here, he’s alive. I still have him. My chest tightens in pain, I could’ve lost him too. We’re not out of the woods yet, but he’s alive and that’s all that matters right now.

  “Baby...”

  “I'm here, babe. I'm not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you.”

  “I love... you...”

  “I love you too. Always and forever.”

  This time, when he shuts his eyes, he doesn’t open them back up.

  “Is he ok? Why isn't he talking anymore? He was awake.” My voice is hysterical, I know it and so does Jake, the paramedic stuck in the back with me.

  “Frankie, take a deep breath. Because he has a concussion, he can go in and out of consciousness. Look at the screen.” He points to the screen that shows a bunch of squiggly lines. He points to each one, explaining what they are. “This is his heart rate, how fast his heart is beating. He’s alive, darling, his heart’s still beating, working well. This is his blood pressure, it’s a little high because of the adrenaline. This is his pulse ox; it shows how much oxygen is in his blood screen. He’s at ninety-nine percent, he’s breathing well on his own.”

  “Is he going to be ok?” I whisper through the sobbing. I don’t even try to wipe away the tears falling down my face, nothing will stop them. They’re replaced faster than I can swipe them off my cheeks.

  “He needs to get an x-ray before I can answer that. I have no idea what type of trauma has been done to his spine. He didn’t walk off the field, he could have a leg injury. He was hit hard, really freaking hard. I’ve never seen anything like that... When we get to the hospital, they aren’t going to let you back with him. They’ll only allow family-“

  “Kiki?” Noah’s words are slightly clearer but still hard to understand. I squeeze his hand, hoping he can feel it and know I'm right here with him.

  “Yeah, babe?”

  “Marry me, baby. Be my wife.”

  “What?” I choke out a sound, half laugh, half sob. This has to be his head injury talking.

  “Marry me, fiancés are considered family. I need you.”

  My eyes snap to Jake’s, a small smile plays on his lips.

  “Is that true?”

  “Yes. They won’t keep you apart if you’re engaged.”

  “Don’t make me beg, Kiki. Be my wife.”

  “I’d love to be Mrs. Noah Vaccaro.”

  “I'm gonna marry you one day. I promise you that.” His eyes flutter, I can see how hard it is for him to stay awake. I want to pull him into my arms and hold him. It’s killing me that I can't.

  “I’ve dreamed of that my entire life.”

  “Me too, baby.”

  The ambulance pulls to a stop in front of the hospital. Jake jumps out, holding out a hand to me. He helps me out then grabs the stretcher and pulls Noah out. His partner grabs one ends and they wheel him into the hospital.

  The second the doors open, that antiseptic smell hits me, making my stomach roll. I squeeze my eyes shut but keep moving with the stretcher. My hand never leaving Noah’s.

  “Open your eyes, Frankie. If the nurse doesn’t think you can handle this, they won’t let you in the room.” A soft voice says from behind me. I glance over my shoulder at Jake, giving him a small nod. I can do this; I have to be strong for Noah.

  Deep breath in and out, I look up at the ceiling, blinking away the fresh tears filling my eyes. Jake winks at me, I give him a small smile.

  “There ya go, darling. You can do this. Once you’re in there, Kelsey won’t kick you out. She’s cool, great nurse too. Be strong for him, he needs you by his side.”

  “I need him too.”

  The stretcher is pulled into a large room. There’s a nurse standing in the corner, typing on a computer.

  “Hey, Jake. Hey, Henry.” She turns our way, her eyes running up and down Noah. Is she looking for obvious trauma or checking out my boyfriend? I mean fiancé. “Hey, sweetheart, I'm Kelsey. I'm going to be Noah’s nurse tonight. Are you family?”

  “Fiancé.” Jake says smiling. Kelsey looks suspicious, her eyes narrowing on us before she looks at Jake.

  “They look like they're in high school. I doubt they're engaged.”

  “Kels, he proposed on our way here. I saw the entire thing. He wants her with him. Let them be.”

  “Alright, I’ll allow it. I would’ve done the same thing.” She winks at me. They all talk about Noah’s vitals and physical state. I don’t understand most of what they're saying but I know their focus is purely on Noah.

  Too soon, Jake and Henry are saying goodbye, going back to saving lives for the night.

  “Hi, I'm Dr Chipkin, you can call me Jesse. I'm a resident here. We’re going to take good care of Noah. As long as you aren’t in the way, I’ll let you stay.” He shoots me a wink. He’s young, a big smile spreading over his face. “Frankie, right?”

  “Yes, I'm Noah’s fiancé.”

  “Nice, you two look cute together. Can you tell me what happened?”

  “He was tackled really hard during the football game.” Jesse starts looking over Noah. Checking his pupils, his vitals and a few other things that I don’t understand. “He wasn’t moving on the field. He just laid there. He woke up a few times in the ambulance but only for short periods of time.”

  “That’s ok. It’s completely normal for patients to fall asleep after having a concussion. He’s here so we can keep an eye on him and make sure nothing else is wrong. We’re going to get some x-rays done and a CT scan to check if there’s any swelling in his brain.” Tears start to well once again. I have nothing left in me emotionally. I can't hold myself together, I need Noah to hold everything together for me. “We’re going to take good care of him, Frankie. I promise you that.”

  “Thank you.” I choke out as the first sob takes over me.

  Jesse crosses the room in a few long strides. He pulls me into a brotherly embrace, trying his hardest to sooth and comfort me. I appreciate the gesture, but he isn't Noah. He can't sooth the pain and fear racing through my blood, through every cell of my body.

  “Get your hands off my girl.” Hope surges through me, my eyes snap over to the man I love, laying on the stretcher.

  “Well shit, Noah, if I’d known all it’d take is hugging your girl to get you to wake up, I would’ve done it the second I walked in. How you feeling, man?”

  “My head and hip hurts. Why can't I move my head?”

  “From what I heard; you got your ass kicked. I'm sure your head’s gonna hurt for a while. We can get you some meds though. Your head is strapped down until we can get some scans done. We aren’t sure if you injured your spine... Can you wiggle your fingers and toes for me?”

  Noah’s eyes slide shut again, I'm terrified that one of these times will be the last time they shut. The thought of losing him makes my body shake in fear. My eyes stay glued on Noah. He wiggles the fingers on his left hand then the ones on his right.

  “Great job. Now your toes.”

  It t
akes a few seconds, I'm not sure if it’s because he’s having a hard time staying awake or because he can't do it. After what feels like hours, though I'm sure it’s only a few seconds he finally wiggles his right toes then his left. I let out a whoosh of air, a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. Dropping into the chair closest to Noah, taking his hand in mine, placing a kiss on the back of his hand.

  His fingers wrap around mine, gently squeezing. Not with the normal amount of strength Noah has but it’s something.

  “Can you feel Frankie holding your hand?”

  “Yes... She’s mine... Stay away.”

  Jesse throws his head back and laughs.

  “She’s all yours, man. I don’t think she’d take me if I begged her to. Let’s get this medical crap over with, make sure you’re healthy enough to marry this beautiful girl and get you out of my hospital.”

  “Kiki?” Noah whispers, gently squeezing my hand.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “Don’t cry, sweetheart. I'm not leaving you. I’d never leave you.”

  The dam breaks, tears pouring down my face as I ugly cry next to the man I love.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Noah

  “Alright, man, let’s get this over with. You fractured your pelvic bone.”

  “Will he need surgery?” Mom chimes in.

  “Nah, he’s going to be fine but you won’t be walking for a while, Noah. Any sort of weight on that hip will be painful. You’ll probably need to do therapy once you can bare weight again.”

  “What about football?” I grimace, pain shoots through me as I try to adjust my position in bed. Jesse winces at the question.

  “Oh, honey, you won’t be playing football anytime soon.” Kelsey walks in like she owns the place. She seems to have a soft spot for me, checking on me constantly. “On the bright side, Frankie can be your personal nurse!”

  “Damn, I wish I had a personal nurse like her when I was your age.” Jesse winks at Frankie causing me to growl under my breath.

  “She’s mine, back off.” I say through gritted teeth. Jesse holds up his hands in defense, taking a large step away from me.

  “I'm not after Frankie, like I said, I wouldn’t win that fight. I have Kelsey here to keep my company until one of us finds a date.”

  Kelsey snorts with laughter, throwing her long hair over her shoulder.

  “Yup! He’s my bestie!”

  “We’re going to get you situated in a room for the night. We need to monitor you since you have a bad concussion. Tomorrow morning you should be able to go home.”

  It takes some time before my room’s ready and to be transported up there. The new one is much larger and quieter. I'm a lot more comfortable up here but that might have something to do with the pain meds Jesse gave me.

  “Are you sure you’ll be ok if we go home? One of us could stay with you.” Mom doesn’t want to leave no matter how many times I insist I’ll be fine. Frankie’s the only one I want here with me.

  “Mom, it’s fine. I have nurses here to take care of me. You’ll never be able to sleep. Go home, you can come back in the morning to check on me. Did you get my cell phone?”

  “I did!” Miranda’s voice floats in from the hallway. She bounces into the room like she always does. Her bubbly personality lightening the mood of the room instantly. “I also got the ref to bench that piece of shit for the rest of the game and may have gotten him kicked off the team. He was trying his hardest to take down my bestie, we both know I won’t stand for that.”

  “Thanks, Randy.”

  “Alright, sweetie. We’ll go and let you visit with your friends. We’ll be back tomorrow morning; you call me if you need anything. I love you.”

  “I love you, son.” My dad says, he sounds like he’s about to break down. Just like each time he found a new scar on my wrist.

  “I love both of you. I'm sure I’ll be fine but I’ll call you if I need you.”

  They say goodbye to everyone then head out to their car, leaving us to visit for a few minutes before Liam and Miranda get kicked out.

  “They weren’t going to let us in but Miranda was Miranda and convinced them to let us come in just to say hi.” Liam totally has a thing for her. He looks down at her with a look of awe on his face. He both hates and loves the fact that he can't figure her out. She’s like a puzzle he can't solve. It only makes him want to do it more.

  “Thanks for coming. I'm ok tho-”

  “He broke his pelvis.” Frankie cuts me off with a glare. “Totally not fine. He won’t be playing football, he won’t even be able to walk for a few weeks, maybe even months.” Her throat clogs with emotions, I can see them written clear as day on her face. She coughs to cover it up but she can't hide from me.

  “You don’t need to play tough, big man, it’s just us. Tell us how you really feel.” Miranda comes and sits on the edge of my bed, Frankie’s already on the other side.

  “I hurt like hell but I don’t want my mom to worry about me anymore than she already does.”

  Miranda’s eyes fly to mine, a look of understanding crosses her face. She knows I'm talking about more than tonight. I'm talking about the last few years. About the depression, the self-destructive behavior, everything.

  “Let us know what we can do to help you. We’re here for you.” Liam looks uncomfortable but he’s trying. He doesn’t want to see me in pain, physically or mentally. It’s always bothered him he couldn’t figure out why I was unhappy.

  “Alright, guys, it’s time to go. Noah needs some sleep to get better.”

  Frankie starts to stand to follow Miranda and Liam. I grab her hand, stopping her before she even has a chance to even get off the bed.

  “You’re not leaving.”

  “Noah, we can't have visitors overnight.” The nurse says gently. She feels bad but she also isn't giving in.

  “Then let me go home.”

  “You know you can't do that.”

  “Then let my fiancé stay.”

  “Your what!?” Miranda shrieks. Her eyes are as wide as saucers, bouncing between Frankie and I. “Frankie? What the hell, girl!”

  “He proposed on our way here...”

  “Oh my gosh! And you didn’t tell me?”

  “Miranda, I was a little busy. Worrying about my future husband and all.” I squeeze her hand; the most beautiful smile graces her lips when she calls me her future husband. I turn my attention back to the nurse. I'm serious, if Frankie doesn’t stay, neither will I.

  “So, should I get ready to leave or can she stay?”

  “Noah, I'm going to get in trouble.”

  “Then call Jesse, tell him I need a favor.”

  “You better be a damn good patient.” She mutters under her breath as she stomps out of the room.

  “You’re seriously fucking engaged? Like this is for real?” Liam’s eyes are narrowed on Frankie, he hasn’t looked my way once.

  “Liam... I don’t know-“

  “Yes. I'm going to marry her one day.”

  “You’re both seventeen, you’re crazy.”

  “I’ve lived without Frankie for the past three years,” I stare into her eyes, I hope she understands that what I'm about to say, I feel with every fiber of my being. “I don’t plan on ever living without her again.”

  “Noah...” Frankie’s voice is barely a whisper.

  “Alright, man. I took care of things; the pretty girl can stay as long as you’re here.” Jesse’s voice proceeds him into the room. He stops the second he sees that there’s other people in the room. Frankie’s still sitting on the edge of my bed, Miranda’s moved back to her spot on the opposite side. “You got the pretty girls multiplying in here, huh? I only convinced the nurse to let one stay. I can take this one off your hands.” He winks at Miranda, making her giggle like a school girl. Jesse isn't a perv, just a major flirt.

  “I’d go anywhere with you, doc. I'm Miranda.” She holds out her hand to him, his smirk grows as he takes it and shakes her hand
.

  “Well Miranda, I'm Doctor Jesse Chipkin at your service.”

  “Jesse, huh? That’s a cute name.”

  “Oh my gosh! Stop flirting with him, he’s like twice your age.”

  “Ahhhh, so you’re the boyfriend.” Jesse loves stirring up trouble, he enjoys this way too much. Liam’s mouth opens and closes a few times.

  “He’s definitely not my boyfriend.”

  “Then he wants to be.”

  “I do not!” Liam finally finds his voice, but his cheeks are slightly pinkened.

  “Anyway, I'm twenty-two, darling. Graduated early and stuff.”

  “See, Liam, not old at all. I'm nineteen.”

  “How are you nineteen and still in high school?”

  Miranda’s body stiffens, she doesn’t say a word. Very unlike her. I wonder what happened to her. I’ll have to talk to her some time when no one else is around. I'm not sure if she’ll tell me but it can't hurt to ask, she knows all my dirty secrets.

  “Anyway, I think it’s time for everyone to go, except the lovely fiancé of course. I'm done work for the day, I’d be more than happy to walk you to your car, Miranda.” Jesse gives her a sympathetic look; he sees that she’s hiding something too. He’s trying to give her an out.

  “I’d love that, Jesse.”

  “You can't just go off with some stranger, Miranda. You don’t even know him.”

  “Sure I do, he’s Noah’s doctor.” She lifts her chin, squares her shoulders, a new confidence filling her. “Wanna give me a ride home, doc?”

  “I’d love to.”

  “See you love birds tomorrow!” Miranda waves goodbye to us, grabs Jesse’s hand and pulls him out of the room. Liam gives us a rushed bye before he races after her.

  “Miranda! You can't go with him! Let me take you home, I'm sorry...”

  Liam’s voice fades as they get further and further down the hall.

  “When’s he going to admit that he wants her?” Frankie asks softly.

  “I don’t know if he knows he wants her. I don’t think he’s admitted it to himself yet.”

  Frankie’s bottom lip trembles, her eyes filling with tears. The dam’s about to break but I’ll be here to catch the broken pieces of her. I’ll always be here.