All I Want For Christmas

by Emily Forbes

  Despite pretending that their brief time together made the pain of saying goodbye worthwhile, Lexi knew she was lying to herself. She'd been praying for divine intervention of some sort, any sort, to keep Tom in town by her side. But Elena had put an end to that.

  He'd never been hers to keep and she'd have to accept that.

  She'd given herself a recovery period of one week.

  Ridiculously short, sure, but since even a lifetime wouldn't completely erase the pain, she'd made the decision to wallow in self-pity and then get on with things. Her time for wallowing was over and although she didn't feel ready, there were plans she had to start instigating. If she couldn't sleep, she may as well get moving.

  She was at the computer, surfing the internet, when she heard her mother's footsteps on the wooden floors, then saw her appear in her doorway.

  'What are you doing? It's the middle of the night.'

  'I couldn't sleep.'

  Her mum came and stood behind her, and couldn't miss the website that was displayed on the screen. 'Australian Orthopedic Association. What's all this about?'

  'I'm just looking at some options.'

  'What options? I thought you were enjoying working as a GP.'

  ' I am. '

  'But?'

  'But the practice has been sold and if things change dramatically I want to have other options up my sleeve.'

  Her mum dragged a chair over and sat beside her. 'Was it bought by Nightingale Clinics?' Lexi nodded. 'I thought they wanted you to apply for the Director of Medical Services position.'

  'They did and I have.'

  'Well, if you get that, wouldn't you have a lot of say in how the practice is run? You'd be able to make sure things didn't change dramatically.'

  'I'm not sure how much influence I'd have. I don't expect Pelican Beach would be high on their list of priorities.' She knew it wasn't high on Tom's. Knew, too, that he was a big reason for her seeking other options.

  'You might at least have a say in the way things are done, make sure that clients and staff are looked after. I really thought you enjoyed your work.'

  'I do and I know I need to provide for Mollie and this job lets me do that. But I want to do something for me as well, and I've been thinking more and more about specializing. This might be my last chance. If I can get a contract guaranteeing me work for the next few years, I'll be able to work and study. I haven't really looked into it yet.' Try not at all, she thought, due to the time she'd been devoting to wallowing. 'But I do know I'd need your help. My free time would be even more limited so you'd be caring for Mollie more. Would you be prepared to do that?'

  'Of course I would, if that's what you really want.'

  'I'd have to study for the entrance exam and I might not even be accepted.'

  Her mum was quiet for a moment. Lexi could feel her eyes watching her but she kept her gaze on the computer screen. 'Have you heard from Tom?'

  'No, I'm not expecting to. He's gone back to his own life. He was never going to stay here.'

  'Does your decision have anything to do with him?'

  Should she admit that the thought of working with Tom, even at a distance, scared her more than the other changes Nightingale Clinics might bring? Admit that she couldn't imagine working with him after he'd left her for a second time? That was only part of it, though. She'd missed out on specializing once before because of the way she'd handled her relationship with Tom. If she really wanted the position of Director of Medical Services, she wouldn't let having to deal with Tom put her off. She was a lot stronger than that now.

  She shook her head. 'Seeing him again brought back old memories and made me realize I still want to specialize. It's not too late but if I leave it any longer it could be. I'll regret it if I don't at least apply for the course.'

  ‘Ok, then. Find out more about it and whatever you decide, we’ll manage.'

  'Thanks, Mum.'

  Her mum stood to envelop her in a hug but she wasn't quite finished yet. 'I don't want to pry, I've been trying to give you space, but I've been wondering about the baby. Tom didn't phone you after the scan?'

  'No, and, again, I didn't expect him to. To be honest, I don't want to even think about it. It was hard enough watching Tom walk out of my life, without thinking about him fathering a child with someone else. Not when a child was the one thing he's wanted above all else.' The one thing I couldn't give him, she added silently to herself.

  'Your time will come.'

  'Will it?' She shrugged, tracing her fingers across the keyboard, the motion providing a tiny physical distraction from the thoughts she needed a break from. 'I'm not so sure about that now. And regardless of that, it won't be with Tom, will it? And that's the one thing I want more than anything.'

  'It's not too late.'

  'Yes, it is. I had my chance with Tom five years ago and I threw it away.' And as she said that, she knew she would withdraw her application to Nightingale Clinics. She just couldn't work with Tom, even if it wasn't going to be on a daily basis, and have a constant reminder of just what she'd lost dangled in front of her. She'd pin her hopes on specializing instead after all these years. That was one dream she still had a chance to salvage.

  Lexi's hand hovered over the phone for a second before she withdrew it for the tenth time in as many minutes.

  She'd posted her application for the position of Medical Director before she'd really thought things over, a knee-jerk reaction in the aftermath of Tom's departure. Now she had to ring to withdraw it.

  She tapped a nail on the first digit of Ross's number, not quite hard enough to engage it. What if Ross wasn't available and she ended up speaking to Tom? He'd push her for reasons and what on earth could say? Oh, I just can't cope with working with you. Why?

  Because my life fell to pieces when you walked out of it and if I don't take steps to take control of it again, I'll go quietly insane, thinking about what might have been. But don't feel bad on my account.

  She shook the thoughts from her head and steeled her nerves, lifting the receiver and dialing the number while she repeated her prepared speech in her head.

  Minutes later and it was all done. Ross hadn't been happy but he'd accepted the news with only the briefest of excuses from her— what else could he have done? So she hadn't had to go into details, hadn't had to lie. But that was the least of her problems.

  Three days.

  Three days since he'd left Pelican Beach. Three days since he'd seen Lexi. Tom's hand itched to call her, to hear 10 her voice, but what would he say? There was nothing left.

  Tom looked at his watch. Elena was due to arrive for her scan any minute. He had to admit he was nervous. Elena's pregnancy had forced him to reassess his desire for children. This wasn't how he'd imagined fatherhood—on his own from day one. Bringing up a child with an ex-wife was not his idea of ideal parenting, but he would do his best.

  It didn't help that the moment Elena had made her announcement, he'd been hit by the knowledge that it was still Lexi he wanted to be the mother of his children, despite his adamant stance that he wasn't going to get involved. Either way, that wouldn't happen now. He'd have to learn to cope with that, he had other commitments now.

  Elena entered the waiting room, stopping by the receptionist's desk before joining Tom.

  He stood to greet her, kissing her cheek, just as the receptionist called their names. 'Ready?'

  She nodded. 'Let's go see our baby.'

  Within moments Elena was gowned and on the table and the obstetrician had the ultrasound equipment in place.

  Tom stood to the side but kept his eyes on the screen. It didn't feel right to look at Elena, it was too personal, too intimate. This wasn't at all how he'd have wanted the first sight of his baby to happen.

  The obstetrician was moving the probe over Elena's stomach.

  Tom could see images starting to appear on the screen, flashes of white on black. He knew the doctor was checking the development of the baby's heart and spinal cord, check
ing the size and position of the placenta. He also knew that all Elena would be waiting for was the first recognizable glimpse of the baby. The doctor tapped a few buttons on the keyboard, widening the view.

  'Here's your baby. A perfect little person.'

  On the screen was a picture of the baby, curled into the fetal position, face in profile.

  'That's incredible.'

  Tom felt Elena's gaze on him. He met her eyes and couldn't help but smile. 'Look, he's sucking his thumb.'

  Elena laughed, then realized what he'd said. 'Is it a boy?'

  'Would you like to know?' The obstetrician asked them.

  'No. I think I'll keep it a surprise for a bit longer. Maybe wait until I'm used to the idea of being pregnant.'

  'Ok, I need to take some measurements. Let me show you what else we can see.'

  The doctor moved the probe around again, letting them count fingers and toes, before freezing the screen to take the measurements.

  'So, by your estimate, you're eighteen weeks pregnant, Elena?'

  Elena nodded.

  'What was the date of the start of your last menstrual cycle?'

  'August 16. Why?'

  'Did you have any light spotting in the first month or so?'

  'No. Is something wrong?'

  'The baby is on the small size for your dates. More like fourteen weeks.'

  'Fourteen, not eighteen? How can that be?'

  'Sometimes stress can disrupt your cycle. Make you miss a period. My guess would be that you missed a period but didn't actually fall pregnant until the next month. Were you under any stress at the time?'

  Elena nodded and looked at Tom, a tiny pucker between her eyebrows. She spoke to the doctor. 'I'm sorry, could you give us a minute?'

  'Certainly.'

  Tom waited until they were alone before he spoke. 'The baby's not mine.'

  Elena shook her head. 'I'm sorry Tom, I had no idea. It must be Antony's.'

  Tom felt sick. With nerves, disappointment or fear? He didn't know and didn't have time to think about it. 'Antony? The guy from your office, the one you started seeing when we separated?'

  She nodded. 'I started seeing him again after our reconciliation didn't work.'

  'I see.'

  'I'm so sorry, Tom. I really was sure my dates were right.'

  The baby wasn't his.

  'What will Antony say?'

  'He's already said he wants to get married.'

  Tom smiled at the irony of it. He hoped it turned out better for Elena than it had for him and Lexi.

  'Is that what you want?' She nodded in reply. 'Then congratulations.'

  'I guess it makes it a little less complicated.'

  That was an understatement. His path suddenly looked much clearer. 'I suppose we'd better get our divorce under way then,’ he said. ‘I'll be in touch.'

  He excused himself on the pretense of calling the obstetrician back, then strode from the waiting room, heading for the exit. He needed space. A heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders but instead seemed to have settled in his heart. He'd been miserable since he'd said goodbye to Lexi.

  He wanted to call her, give her the good news, but he knew he'd forfeited the right to confide in her when he'd left Pelican Beach. She'd kept a piece of his heart. He could feel where it was missing, and it hurt like hell.

  He dragged himself around for the next five days. He put on a brave face but it was all an act. His mind was consumed with thoughts of Lexi. Because she was on his mind so much it came as no surprise that when Ross called him in for a meeting, Lexi's name was on his lips, too. But the reason behind the discussion did surprise him.

  What was Lexi up to? Withdrawing her application for the medical director's position—why would she have done that? It wasn't like her to mess people about, to behave on a whim. What was going on?

  He'd scarcely been able to concentrate on his morning surgery before Ross had given him the news and since then, well, it was lucky that his work was so routine he could do it in his sleep. It didn't help that he himself had come in for a fair amount of Ross's displeasure. Lexi had been his recommendation after all.

  The change of ownership would take effect in a few weeks, leaving them back at square one in the search for a medical director, and the Christmas break was slowing things down as well.

  He should ring her, should have rung her days ago, before this latest development, but he'd been procrastinating.

  Ring her now, he thought. Why on earth don't you pick up the phone?

  'Because!' Tom spoke out loud, pushing his chair back from his desk with force and surprising both himself and Rachel, the practice secretary, who had just at that moment opened his door, carrying a stack of papers.

  She only took a second to overcome her apparent surprise. 'I haven't even asked you to do anything yet and you're already practicing your excuses. Although "because" doesn't really cut it as a reason.'

  'Why can't you be a normal secretary and be intimidated by the boss?' He resumed his mask of good humor.

  'Were they intimidated by you in the country?'

  He shook his head.

  'Didn't think so.' She dropped the papers on his desk. 'Can you sign these, please? They're the repeat prescriptions you authorized for various patients.'

  He sighed. 'Is that as exciting as it's going to get here today?'

  'You'd better believe it, unless you count four solid hours of nondescript colds and coughs this afternoon as thrilling.'

  'No autopsies? No sand-bagging? No emergency deliveries of twins?' He was only half joking—he was missing the pace of country practice more than he'd ever thought possible. And it had nothing to do with Lexi, he argued with himself. Medical work in the country was simply more...more fulfilling.

  'Just coughs and colds.'

  Groaning, he shoved his fingers through his hair before riffling through the stack of prescriptions.

  'But I will pop over to the café later for a proper coffee and a piece of cake for you and make sure you get a break.' Rachel sent him an indulgent smile.

  'I'd prefer an autopsy.'

  'You personally?'

  Tom smiled. His first unforced smile for some time. He could always count on Rachel to bring some cheer into his day.

  'Make sure you get some lunch in and I'll bring your coffee in a few hours.'

  'Yes, Mum.'

  Rachel left and he settled down to signing the scripts. At least he could do that mindlessly enough but that left him free to rehash the situation with Lexi. What was going on? This was ridiculous. You're being ridiculous, he admonished himself. It's time to make a decision and take some action.

  'Lexi, Lexi, wake up. He came!'

  Lexi sat up in bed, reaching out for Mollie, her mind a jumble. Tom was here?

  'Who came?'

  'Father Christmas. He brought heaps of presents. Come and see.'

  Lexi swallowed her disappointment, cuddling her niece as she listened to her excited chatter. 'Let me give you a big '"Merry Christmas" kiss, then I'll hop up.'

  From the lounge room they could hear Christmas carols starting on the CD player, their family signal for the start of present- giving. Last Christmas had been a pretty dismal affair, coming so soon after the deaths of Mollie's parents. Lexi was determined that this Christmas, broken heart notwithstanding, nothing would mar the magic for Mollie.

  'Come on, Lexi. Hurry!'

  'I don't think Gran will start without us.' Lexi laughed as she swung her legs out of bed, quickly throwing on some clothes as she followed Mollie to the Christmas tree.

  'Merry Christmas, Mum.' Lexi just had time to greet Trina before Mollie began distributing gifts. Somehow she managed to hand them all out without stopping to open any. By the time she had finished, there was an enormous pile of presents for her and somewhat smaller piles for the adults, but Mollie was still continuing to search in increasingly strange places around the room.

  'What are you looking for?' Lexi asked her.


  ‘Tom.' She popped hear head up from under the couch. ‘He's supposed to be here.'

  'Tom?' Lexi looked at her Mum who shrugged her shoulders, her expression as puzzled as Lexi's.

  'Yes.' Mollie was nodding vigorously. 'I specifically wrote a letter to Father Christmas asking him to bring Tom. I told him you were really sad and I wanted you to be happy, so he's got to be here somewhere.'

  'Mollie, that was a lovely idea.' Trina stepped into the breach, probably realizing Lexi was lost for words. 'But I don't think Father Christmas is allowed to bring people in his sleigh.'

  'Why not?'

  'What if they fell out and got hurt?'

  'He has seat belts, you know.'

  Lexi could see her mother biting back a smile. 'No, I didn't know that. Tell you what, why don't we start opening some of your presents and see what Father Christmas brought you?' Her mum had clearly had enough of thinking on her feet and was going for distraction instead. Lexi crossed her fingers, hoping the technique would work for both of them.

  Mollie was soon engrossed in her presents and Lexi focused on letting her niece's excitement flow onto her. Today was about Mollie, about family, not about her.

  Every now and again Mollie stopped and implored them to open their presents, but both women resisted, not wanting to miss a moment of Mollie's glee as she ripped into her gifts. The multicolored mound of wrapping paper was steadily growing and the moment Mollie was finished with unwrapping, she started rolling in it, crumpling it and generally having as much fun with it as with her gifts.

  'I'll just go put the kettle on, Mum,' Lexi said as she sidled out of the room, 'then we'll open our presents.'

  Standing in the kitchen, waiting for the kettle to boil, Lexi looked out the window at the gardens and paddocks and bush beyond. The heat of summer hadn't started in earnest as yet. The lawns were still green and right now there was a group of sparrows pecking away at the 'reindeer food' she and Mollie had sprinkled there the night before. Birdseed, really, but packaged in such a gorgeous little hessian bag labelled 'Reindeer Food, do not open until Christmas Eve' that she hadn't been able to resist. They'd had great fun sprinkling the seed in addition to the usual carrots left out for the reindeer.