Always On His Mind

by Shanae Johnson

  “I’m fine.” Reece knew he said the expected thing when Corporal Lucas nodded.

  "You're not fine," said Brandon. "But what else could you say?"

  Reece had been taken from the bombed out structure where he'd been hidden. Apparently, the women had protected him at great peril to themselves after he had tried to protect them from insurgents. Reece and his four-man fire team had been stationed in the area on a surveil and reconnaissance mission. They were tasked with gathering intel on some structures thought to be in use by an anti-coalition militia.

  From what they could gather, Reece had seen the women headed toward the area. There was some uncertainty of whether the women were in the wrong place at the wrong time or if they were a part of the militia. Reece was the only member of the team who spoke the language. With his team covering him, he approached the women. And then fire rained down on all of them.

  Reece remembered none of it. Only waking up. Even though the two weeks that he’d been awake were a blur. It was difficult for him to hold anything, especially names and faces. His mind felt like it was rebooting and installing a new systems update, all while crashing at the same time.

  Reece pressed his thumbs to his temples. The move didn’t offer much relief. The pain was inside his head. He needed a way to let it out.

  He closed his eyes, shutting out the bright light of the day. That helped. Darkness was the only thing that soothed him. A large hand clapped down on his shoulder, causing him to wrench his eyes open.

  “Don’t stress yourself, Cartwright.”

  Corporal Lucas sat beside him in the moving vehicle. The worry was gone from the other man’s gaze. In its place was certainty. Reece wished he felt some of that.

  “The doctor said the amnesia is likely temporary," said Corporal Lucas. "It'll all come back when you're ready.”

  Reece dropped his hands from his temple. The Polaroid was still on his lap. He looked again at the family, his family. They looked happy, without a care in the world other than the care for each other. He wished he could remember how to feel that way.

  “You've been through a lot. We're all just glad to have you home."

  Home. Reece was home. He looked out the window of the moving vehicle to see mountains and a blue sky. It looked somewhat like the valley that he'd been pulled out of. But the buildings were all erect and sturdy. Still, none of it looked familiar.

  "Reegan is going to maul you when she sees you."

  Reegan. His twin sister. Reece pressed his thumb and forefinger into the snapshot of the life he couldn’t remember. He ached for something, anything familiar.

  "She insisted you were still alive. She never gave up. She demanded we go back for you."

  Reece felt gratitude toward the woman but still no familiarity. He reached for the duffle bag of his belongings and put the picture back inside. His fingers grazed a leather-bound book inside. He peered inside the dark bag and pulled out a small Devotional Bible.

  The pages were worn. The spine broken. It looked well used and well cared for. Was he a religious man?

  He thumbed through the pages. Many of the corners were dog-eared. There were highlights in yellow, pink, and blue. The margins were filled with notes in black and blue ink. In the Book of John, with the highlighted verse about friendship, there was a letter. Before he unfolded the letter, Reece read the verse.

  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13.

  That felt familiar. But even more familiar was the handwriting inside the letter. A spark of recognition hit him. He knew this handwriting. It was familiar.

  A warmth spread through his chest as his gaze slid over the carefully written script. The T’s all had loops. The L’s slanted to the right. The small case S’s had fat bellies that made them resemble hearts.

  I need to tell you what's in my heart. I love you. I've always loved you.

  Reece's first instinct was to put the letter away. He felt as though he were intruding. It was obviously a love note. Then he scanned up and saw his name at the top.

  My dearest Reece.

  It's easier to write to you than it is to speak to you. We've been in each other’s lives for so long, but my feelings for you have only deepened through the years. There has never been anyone else for me. There never will be. You are my best friend. I'd like to offer you my heart. I know that you care for me, but I'm asking if you could ever love me?

  It was signed Beth.

  Reece tried to picture Beth in his mind. He didn't get a face. But he did get a feeling. It was warm and cozy. Was that love? Did he love Beth?

  He jolted forward as the truck came to a stop. The letter tumbled out of his hands, fluttering in the air. Reece caught it before it could hit the ground.

  "We’re here,” said Corporal Lucas.

  Whoever Beth was, and what she might be to him, Reece was about to find out.

  Chapter Four

  Beth frowned down at the rich earth below her. Part of her was happy for the plants thriving in such nutrient-dense soil. Another part of her knew that it wasn’t just little seedlings ready to poke their heads out of the fertile ground.

  An earthworm slithered between a rock causing her to gag. She cringed and shuddered when a beetle lumbered over a long blade of grass. Beth forced herself to lower the gardening spade and pray for patience and compassion for all God’s creatures.

  “You know it’s more afraid of you than you’re afraid of it.”

  Beth wasn’t afraid. She was grossed out and uncomfortable and wishing for hardwood floors and air conditioning. Clearly, gardening wasn't her favorite activity. She didn't like getting dirty. The picnic blanket she knelt on kept her yellow dress from getting messy. She’d switched out of heels and changed into running shoes. Unfortunately, her nails would suffer the consequences of girl time.

  Reegan Lucas’s smile was brighter than the sun. The tan on Reegan’s left hand showed a visible band line where the ring should go. Beth’s best friend wore a diamond ring around her neck as she dug her bare hands into the dirt. Reegan had been married for just over a month. It clearly agreed with her.

  A lovely hum rose as Reegan sang a hymn. The sound of her voice wafting on the light wind made butterflies flutter. Butterflies Beth could handle. It was the slimy baby caterpillars that made her skin crawl.

  "Any word from Brandon?" asked Beth.

  Reegan’s smile fell a bit, but only slightly. "Not for two weeks."

  Reegan’s husband, Corporal Brandon Lucas, had been on the original mission where Reece had gone missing. When the army announced they were putting together a retrieval operation, he stepped up. Beth had gotten the sense that Brandon felt responsible for losing Reece. The honorable man that he was, she hadn’t been surprised when he’d stepped up in the effort to get his fellow soldier back.

  The cold metal of the gardening utensil wasn’t what made Beth shiver. It was the thought of seeing Reece alive and breathing and fine. No matter how awkward things might be between them, she wanted that more than anything in the world. She’d had trouble fathoming a world where Reece wasn’t in it. She would happily live in a world where he was alive and well, even if their friendship didn’t survive.

  "Brandon prepared for the mission,” said Reegan. “And he prepared me. He said there was a possibility of three dark weeks where I wouldn’t hear from him. So, it should be just another six more days, then I should hear something.”

  Six days. They’d know something in six days.

  Beth placed her palms in the dirt, needing something solid and warm to quell the jitters shimmying over her skin. With her right hand, she cleared a path for the string beans struggling to take root. She pushed the white roots back into the earth to give them purchase with her left hand.

  "Let's talk about something else," said Reegan. "Let's talk wedding plans.”

  Beth’s shudders were replaced with a rumbling in her tummy.

  “Mine was quick but still perfect. I got my dre
am man." Reegan pressed her hand to her ring over her heart.

  Beth carefully averted her gaze from her best friend. If Reegan looked in her eyes, she might see that she was dreaming of another man. Her own engagement ring caught the light. The small, colorless rock felt heavy on her hand. That had to mean it would sink deep into the foundation and make sturdy roots.

  “But it’s the marriage that counts, not the wedding,” Reegan continued. “Just know that since we have time to plan, I will be living out my dream wedding through yours."

  It wouldn’t be the wedding Beth had dreamed about. That dream had featured another man. Beth had never told Reegan about her infatuation with Reece. The three of them had been as thick as thieves since they were in the cradle. Both Reegan and Reece were her best friends. Since they were girls, Beth had relied on Reegan for all things boy band, fashion, and feelings.

  Reece was more of an academic. He loved all things scholarly, especially when it came to scripture. He’d even taken to learning the ancient languages like Arabic and Hebrew, which was a prized skill in the military.

  When they were younger, the two of them would talk well into the night on a myriad of Biblical and spiritual topics. Beth had cherished those times as some of the most enlightening moments and enriching experiences in her life. Reece had always made her feel heard and important. He just hadn’t known he’d also made her feel something more, something in her heart.

  "Have you two set a date yet?” said Reegan.

  "Not yet. I was thinking winter."

  Beth looked up at the mountains and the sunny skies. The bare branches were just beginning to sprout new leaves.

  “Winter? That's months away," protested Reegan. "At least we’ll have time to plan."

  “Reegan, Walter is only a youth pastor. We're just going to do something small."

  "You might think you're just going to do something small, but you’re this town’s favorite daughter. And, thanks to the Purple Heart Ranch and its zoning, this town hasn't had anything except quickie weddings in months."

  When the soldiers had moved onto the ranch and converted it into a place of rehabilitation for veterans, they hadn’t read the fine print. A zoning regulation had stipulated that all permanent residents had to be families. That meant the men who’d been living there for a year and getting the much-needed care they required had to either fight through a wad of red tape or get married. Surprisingly, they all chose marriage.

  “Beth?”

  Beth looked up to Reegan, meeting her gaze for the first time that morning. There was concern in her best friend’s clear blue gaze. Beth gasped a little. Sometimes it shook her how alike Reegan and Reece looked.

  “Are you sure about this?" Reegan asked.

  Beth set her mouth to assure her oldest friend, but her throat went dry. At the same time, she felt a desperate need to swallow down bile. Before she could give an answer, a golf cart pulled up with Private Mark Ortega behind the wheel. He hopped out of the cart looking very serious. His perpetual dimples were at ease today.

  "Reegan, we need you to come to the medical center."

  "Is something wrong?” Reegan asked as she stood, brushing the dirt from her hands.

  Mark shook his head. But the corner of his lips tugged up, and his dimples gave it away.

  "He's back,” Reegan breathed.

  The dimples went on full assault as Mark grinned his answer.

  “And Reece?"

  Mark’s smile wavered, the dimples dimming.

  Beth felt nauseous. Why a half smile? Either Reece was back. Or he wasn’t. Or he was back but not alive.

  "He's here,” Mark confirmed.

  Beth sagged down to the ground. Her fingers took root in the soil. Her rear came to the grass, staining her dress. She didn’t care.

  He was here. He was back. He was alive.

  "Come on, Beth.”

  Beth looked up. Reegan was beckoning her into the cart. Neither her legs nor her hands would move. She’d taken root into the earth. A beetle crawled over her knuckles, and still, she didn’t move.

  "Beth, get in this car."

  Beth shook the dirt and the bug off her hands. As she rose, she noted that her knees and the front of her dress had spots of dirt on them. On unsteady feet, she walked to the cart and slid in next to Reegan. They held onto each other as the small, unwieldy cart rolled over the green pastures.

  Beth wasn't ready to see Reece. It was enough to know that he was alive. But she knew she needed to see him, to confirm it. But also, that would be exactly what she needed to truly let go and move forward.

  In no time, they pulled up to the medical building. Reegan leaped out, hitting the ground at a running pace. Beth’s unathletic friend took the stairs three at a time and bounded through the glass doors.

  Beth walked slowly up the stairs beside Mark. "Is he injured?"

  "In a manner of speaking, yes.” Mark took a deep breath in that way when someone had bad news to deliver. He let it all out in a gush. “He has amnesia."

  Beth stopped in her tracks. She ran those three words over in her mind, again and again, making sure she understood them. Amnesia?

  Reece had amnesia.

  She said the words again and again in her head, as though she were trying to be certain that she remembered them.

  Reece had amnesia.

  That would mean he wouldn’t remember anything. Including her. Including the letter.

  As she came closer to the door, she heard the sounds of Reegan's sobs. And then she heard his voice.

  "I'm sorry."

  Beth stopped in her tracks. He sounded exactly like himself. His soft, deep voice reached her from the hall. She’d always marveled that someone with a resonant baritone could also speak so softly.

  "It's okay," said Reegan. “I don’t care that you don’t remember. You're alive and whole. I remember everything. I can tell you your entire life story."

  Beth stopped at the threshold. Reece sat in a chair. He wore a T-shirt and khakis, looking like his old self. His hair was cut close to his scalp as he preferred it. His chin was cleanly shaven. His bright blue eyes were clear, but there were bags beneath them.

  He was smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He was thin and gaunt. He looked defeated and lost.

  And then his gaze rose and found her. Beth braced herself for her heart to shatter when he didn’t recognize her. Instead, she felt her heart sink. Not from breaking. It felt like a house settling into its foundation.

  It didn't matter whether he remembered her or not. It didn’t matter how long they spent apart. It didn’t matter who came between them. She would always love this man.

  She was thankful he wouldn't remember her letter. She was thankful he wouldn’t know what would have never been. She could go on loving him in secret. And best of all, they could start anew and be just friends.

  And then recognition lit his blue eyes. He reached out his hand. He reached out for her.

  "Beth?"

  Chapter Five

  Reece had long lost count how many different rooms he’d been in over the past two weeks. It wasn’t that he couldn’t remember them all. His brain worked fine at recording the details of everything he encountered from the moment he opened his eyes back in that cave. It was just that he was too exhausted and disinterested to keep track of what was going on around him.

  His disinterest extended to more than just the rooms. He hadn’t made much effort to remember the multitude of names and faces that paraded around him. There was an endless sea of people. They moved in and out of his vision. They asked him the same questions over and over again. Over and over again, Reece gave the same answers; he couldn't remember.

  He had tried at first. However, every time he got close to the light of old memories, a blinding pain seared his mind. The backs of his eyelids burned. The smell of smoke choked his throat. His palms sweated, and his legs began to bounce. The only salve was to retreat.

  He knew that retreat was not in his character. H
e admitted to being a weakened man right now. He was no longer in physical pain. All aches had left him before he’d left the base in Afghanistan. He didn’t have a single bruise on his body. But his mind was weary. And that's what was asked of him day in and out: remember, think, consider.

  That light of remembrance was far too powerful in his present state. He knew he’d have to face it. But later.

  Now he just wanted to shut his eyes. Shut them all out and get lost in the darkness. That was until he saw her …

  Sergeant Chase—Colin, his superior had insisted Reece call him—had driven them into town from the airport. Reece had caught flashes of some memories from his time in this town. Having an ice cream at the shop with the pink trim. He knew there was a cozy spot in the library he preferred. He had the strongest reaction to the church that sat at the end of the main street. That place called to him as though it were a second home.

  None of the town memories were painful. But trying to pull them closer to him, trying to delve deeper into the flashbacks, brought on the threat of the bright, hot light. He’d backed off, slunk down in the rear seat of the truck, and closed his eyes.

  Corporal Lucas—Brandon, he’d insisted Reece call him—and Colin had let him rest in the car. Though Reece had no memories of either man, he trusted them both immediately.

  Reece knew he liked the ranch nurse and doctor as well. The pretty, brown-skinned nurse named Ruhi took his vitals. She spoke like they knew each other, but she hadn't pressed him to remember.

  An older, male version of her appeared in the door next. Reece knew it was Nurse Ruhi’s father. The connection was clear. Reece had no visual memories of Dr. Patel either, but he felt at peace around the psychologist.

  Dr. Patel hadn't asked questions about the mission or his memory. He asked questions about Reece's health and wellbeing. The doctor’s voice was familiar to Reece. It was soft and calm like his words could have been a lullaby. Reece was content to simply listen while the man spoke.