Until Next Weekend

by Rachel Marks

  ‘Look at the state of you lot.’ Kate’s voice travels across the lawn, but when I look up and see her face, she doesn’t look angry.

  I stand and pull each boy up, helping Kate to brush the grass off their suits.

  ‘Congratulations. You look beautiful.’

  Kate stands still for a moment, just looking at me. ‘Thank you for coming. And for not ruining the day.’ She smiles.

  ‘There’s still time.’

  ‘Seriously. Thank you.’

  I nod, any response frozen on my tongue.

  ‘Right, boys, I was coming to get you because we have little gifts for you, to say thank you for being such an awesome page boy and ring bearer.’

  ‘Yey !’ The boys charge past us back into the hall.

  ‘Right, I better go and help with the gifts. Jerry will probably give them the wrong ones, cue disaster.’

  I smile.

  ‘You coming in?’

  I shake my head. ‘I’m just going to take a walk around this amazing lake. I’ll come and take the boys off your hands in a bit.’

  ‘No problem. Take your time.’

  She gives me a sad smile and I know it’s an image I will always remember. Her in her wedding dress on the day she married someone else. She wore her mum’s dress for our wedding. It was very simple, very plain, the key detail being the cut-lace arms. Today, her dress is a little more extravagant, but still beautiful and classy, as Kate could only be.

  *

  By the time I go back inside, it’s Kate and Jerry’s first dance. The song they’ve gone for is ‘Better Together’ by Jack Johnson. It’s a bit of a cheesy selection if you ask me. Ours was this alternative song that no one at our wedding had ever heard of (which makes me ultimately cooler than Jerry and our relationship more authentic, of course). The basic premise was that we were both the luckiest people in the world to be born at a time and in a place that meant we would meet and end up together. That we were meant to be, for want of a better phrase.

  I guess second marriage first dance songs are tricky when you come to think of it. So many love songs are based on finding ‘the one’ and never feeling that way before, but Jerry’s not the one, he’s two, and, despite the fact it didn’t work out, I know what we had was a beautiful and intense love – that she has felt this way before, that it’s not one of a kind.

  I stand in the doorway and watch them for a bit, and then my eyes fall on Mimi, playing some sort of game with the boys and making them laugh. Then the DJ comes on the mic to invite everyone to join Kate and Jerry on the dance floor and, in dribs and drabs, couples wander over and start to dance self-consciously. I notice Mimi being dragged towards the dance floor by Finn and Gabe. When they get there, they stand in a circle, hands joined, and the boys pull Mimi around until she pretends to be so dizzy she can’t stand up and falls to the floor, the boys erupting in fits of giggles and pulling her back up. She’s so good with them and they’re so happy – it makes me smile.

  The song changes to Beyoncé’s ‘Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)’, met with much amusement from around the room. Gabe and Finn start swinging each other around and then flinging each other off to do body dives across the shiny floor and Mimi looks a little uncomfortable, wiggling her hips on her own, so I squeeze through the other people on the dance floor until I reach her.

  ‘Come on, let’s show them all how it’s done.’

  Mimi raises her eyebrows. ‘I’m not exactly a dancer.’

  ‘With that bum, I think you can give the rest of this lot a run for their money.’

  She laughs and I put my hand around her waist. We jig around for a little bit, Mimi chuckling at my snake hips, and then, somehow (I’d like to say I didn’t orchestrate it, but I’m not sure), we end up near Kate and Jerry and the atmosphere changes, suddenly feeling more charged and competitive. I’m not the world’s best dancer, but I feel like Justin Timberlake next to Jerry’s dad dancing, and to be fair to Mimi, she’s shaking her bum like a good ’un.

  We carry on this way for a little while, Kate and I occasionally catching each other’s eye, and then I don’t know why I do it, whether I’m trying to make Kate jealous or not, but I take Mimi’s face in my hands and kiss her. And for a moment, the music seems to slow and I forget where I am, I stop caring whether or not I’ve got Kate’s attention and just enjoy the feel of Mimi’s lips on mine, but before I know it she’s pushing me away and shouting in my ear.

  ‘What are you doing? The mission’s over, Noah. She chose him.’

  Mimi strides off the dance floor and I notice Kate whispering something in Jerry’s ear and then she’s making her way through the crowds too and Jerry and I are left, awkwardly dancing side by side. We look at each other, both bobbing our heads.

  ‘Think I need the toilet,’ I say.

  ‘Yeah, I’m going to check on my parents.’

  But neither of us moves, we just stand there like two pathetic nodding dogs, until he makes the first move and leaves the dance floor and I follow, feeling like I’m at a crossroads, being torn in multiple directions and not quite sure which route to choose. I find myself scouring the bar area but neither Kate nor Mimi are there, so I search the little room next door where lots of the guests are gathered but I can’t see either of them. I go outside on to the lawn – no luck – so I take a look around by the toilets and, just as I’m about to admit defeat, I spot Mimi, backpack on, heading out the front door of the hotel.

  I follow her outside and watch as she sits down on the pavement.

  ‘Where are you going?’ I call, and then catch up with her and sit down beside her.

  When she turns to look at me, she looks exasperated. ‘I’m going home. I don’t belong here. You need to sort stuff out with Kate on your own.’

  I know she’s probably right but I desperately don’t want her to go, especially knowing that I’ve clearly hurt her.

  ‘But I want you to stay.’

  Mimi runs her hands through her hair. ‘Why, Noah? So you can use me to make Kate jealous? I don’t want to play that part. I don’t want to be a pawn in your game.’

  ‘That’s not what you are. That’s not how I see you.’

  ‘Well, it’s how you make me feel. And I deserve better than that. I might not be like Kate, the type of woman that men would change their whole lives for, but I still deserve respect.’

  ‘That’s not true. You are that type of woman …’

  Mimi shakes her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. Look, I just feel that it’s run its course. Our friendship, I mean. I think maybe it’s best if we don’t see each other any more.’

  It’s like being slapped. ‘Is that really what you want?’

  Mimi sighs. ‘I know I don’t want to feel like this.’

  A taxi pulls in to the car park, kicking up gravel as it does.

  ‘Just stay a bit longer. Give us more time to talk.’

  Mimi stands up, opening the car door, throwing in her rucksack and then climbing in. ‘I just want to go home.’ She looks like a child, homesick on a school trip.

  I want to say more, to stop her from leaving, but I have no idea what to say, and besides, I can tell she’s desperate to go.

  ‘OK. Well, I’ll call you.’

  Mimi nods wearily but I get the sense that she doesn’t want me to and, as I watch the taxi drive off, I wonder whether I’ll always end up hurting anyone who’s stupid enough to get close to me.

  *

  When I walk around to the back of the hotel, I notice Kate sitting alone on a bench away from the crowd on the far side of the lake. I walk over and, as I sit down beside her, she looks up briefly and then back down at her wedding ring, which she twirls around her finger.

  I offer her my jacket, but she declines so I put it on myself. It’s starting to get cold, the sun sinking in the sky, emitting an orange light that seems to wrap around the world in bands.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m OK. Just needed a bit of a breather. Weddings can get
quite intense, especially your own.’ Kate laughs awkwardly. ‘Well, you know what it’s like.’

  I try to smile but my face feels tight.

  ‘It’s hard, isn’t it?’ Kate continues. ‘This whole “ moving on ” thing. I thought it would be easier.’

  I picture Kate saying her vows to Jerry, the thought of us doing the same all those years ago. ‘Do you think the fact it hurts so much tells us something? That we still love each other? That it’s not over between us?’

  I’m not asking to convince her this time. I’m asking because I genuinely don’t know the answers any more.

  Kate shakes her head decisively. ‘I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it. Worrying I was about to make a huge mistake. I still look at you and am stunned by how gorgeous you are. You still make me laugh. You know, every year, I look forward to our family day out. I mean, really look forward to it. And when it’s over, I always feel ridiculously bereft.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘So I know that if there was any way I could put our family back together, I would. This is never what I wanted for the boys. Separate houses. A step-dad.’ Kate’s eyes start to tear up and I hate to see how much this is hurting her, how conflicted she is, and how I’ve probably only made things worse. ‘But something died between us, Noah, a long time ago, and there’s no fixing it. God knows I tried.’

  The guilt feels all-consuming. I’ve made so many mistakes. ‘I’m so sorry. For ruining our beautiful family.’

  ‘It wasn’t just you, Noah. I should’ve tried harder to understand. I shut you out, busied myself with work and then the kids. I got angry instead of trying to delve deeper.’

  ‘You were a great wife, Kate.’

  Kate shrugs. ‘I could’ve been better. I don’t want you to go through life thinking it was all your fault. It wasn’t. But, either way, what I’m trying to say is, I love Jerry and I’m sure I want him to be my husband. But I want you too. I will always want you in my life. Sitting beside me when our babies graduate, when they get married, have kids. I don’t want to choose. I don’t want to lose you. Am I just being greedy? Is there a rule to say you’re only allowed to love one person?’

  I put my hand on top of hers. ‘You’ve always got me.’

  Kate looks me in the eyes. ‘Promise?’

  I nod, the lump in my throat preventing all speech.

  ‘What we had wasn’t a waste, you know?’ she continues, taking my hand in hers and squeezing it gently. ‘And this isn’t goodbye.’

  It hits me all of a sudden – the relief. Because that’s exactly what I’ve been so terrified about – that her marrying Jerry would make all the years we spent together pointless, that it would erase our past, that I was losing her forever, losing my family, just like I lost Mum. But it doesn’t mean that. And Kate’s still here.

  We don’t speak for a while, just sit there holding hands, until Kate lets go to straighten the skirt of her dress. ‘So are you going to tell Mimi that you like her?’

  I draw back my head in surprise and then shake it. ‘It’s not like that. We’re just friends.’

  ‘Oh, come off it. That kiss was not platonic.’

  She’s right. It didn’t feel platonic. But it’s a day of heightened emotions – things are bound to feel confusing.

  ‘Well, you might not believe it but, for the past couple of months, she’s been trying to help me derail your wedding.’

  ‘What? Really?’

  ‘She thought that if I became my best self, you might remember why you fell in love with me. Stupid, hey?’

  Kate furrows her brow as if coming to a deep realization. ‘So that’s why you sorted the flat?’

  ‘The flat, doing more stuff with the boys, cutting down the booze, my stunning new “ do ” …’ I ruffle my hair. ‘It was like in the films when they give the girl a makeover and then suddenly the dumb lead guy realizes how amazing she is.’

  ‘So I’m the dumb lead guy in this situation?’

  I smile. ‘If the shoe fits …’

  Kate looks out over the lake and then back at me. ‘Well, I’m flattered. A bit shocked, but flattered. But for what it’s worth, it wasn’t necessary. I didn’t need reminding.’

  ‘It was my rock-hard abs, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Of course. You know me, Mrs Superficial.’ Kate pauses, a wry smile forming on her lips. ‘But, seriously, I think she likes you more than she’s letting on. And I can tell you like her. She seems really great, Noah. And annoyingly beautiful. Is her bum even real? Surely it can’t be real.’

  I smile. ‘We’re just friends.’

  ‘If you say so. But I’d be happy for you, you know, if you met someone. It’d be weird, of course, but I’d like to think we could be friends.’

  ‘Like I’m friends with Jerry?’ I tease.

  ‘You know, if you got to know him, I think you’d quite like him really.’

  ‘Never going to happen. Our relationship will never be that healthy.’

  The song changes inside and I immediately recognize it. ‘Kodaline.’ It was one of Kate’s favourites. She used to play it over and over again. I remember one time she put it on once the kids were in bed and we danced around the kitchen to it.

  I stand up and hold out my hand. ‘It’s that bloody song again. Care to dance?’

  Kate looks up at me, unable to keep the emotion from her face, and then she takes my hand and I pull her up and put my hands on her waist and we dance, a butterfly circling us like it’s drawing an invisible rope before flying off towards the lake. And as I stand there, dancing with my ex-wife on her wedding day, I realize I’m surprisingly OK. The fight is up. Kate’s married someone else and I haven’t died. I don’t feel like lying down on a train track. I can still see a future for me and it’s not entirely black.

  The words sing out from inside. ‘A love like this won’t last forever …’

  How apt, but how untrue. Because I know that this one will. Not in the way I’d once thought, but it will definitely last forever.

  *

  ‘Let’s see who can get the most marshmallows on a stick,’ Gabe says, starting his off. ‘Daddy, are you playing?’

  ‘Of course.’

  We stuff marshmallows on to our sticks, pushing each other’s hands out the bowl to prevent each other from winning.

  ‘Hey,’ Finn says, giggling. ‘That’s mine.’

  He swoops over and takes a marshmallow off my stick.

  ‘Oh, we’re playing dirty, are we now?’ I tickle Finn so that he drops the marshmallow and falls to the floor.

  ‘No, Daddy, stop,’ he says through splutters of laughter.

  Gabe takes the opportunity to take the lead, squashing the marshmallows together so hard they scrunch up like an accordion. ‘Come on, you two, I’ve finished. One more minute and it’s time to count.’

  I pull Finn up off the floor and we fill our sticks the best we can then all start counting.

  ‘Ten,’ I say.

  ‘Oh, I’ve only got eight,’ Finn says, so I squeeze two more on for him. ‘There you go. Ten now, like me.’

  We both look over at Gabe, who has a smile spreading across his face.

  ‘How many?’

  ‘Fifteen.’

  ‘No way, let me see.’ I count each marshmallow. He’s alternated between pink and white for each one to make it easier to count. ‘He’s right. It’s fifteen.’

  ‘Yey,’ Gabe punches his fist into the air. ‘Come on, let’s dip them in the chocolate fountain.’

  So we do, repeatedly dipping back in as we eat the marshmallows, all of our faces covered in chocolate. When we’ve finished and I’m feeling sick, Kate comes over.

  ‘Look at you lot,’ she says, shaking her head but laughing. ‘Good luck getting them to sleep tonight.’

  ‘Oh, we’re going to have an all-night party in the hotel room, aren’t we, boys?’

  ‘Yeah,’ they both say together, their chocolate-covered faces beaming.

  ‘You’re go
ing to regret saying that. You know Gabe will hold you to it.’

  ‘Probably,’ I say. ‘It’s a lovely wedding, by the way.’

  ‘Thank you.’ She kisses me on the cheek. ‘Oh, and have you remembered about having the boys that extra Saturday, for Sarah’s wedding?’

  ‘Sure, it’s on the calendar. Must be wedding season.’

  Kate smiles and then I turn to the boys. ‘Come on, let’s go and tear up the dance floor.’

  So we do. And, somehow, it turns into the sort of day I’ll look back on with fondness when I’m old.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  ‘Is Mimi around?’

  The man at the door, who I deduce is Mimi’s dad, looks me up and down and, from the look on his face, I’m not sure he’s particularly impressed with what he sees.

  ‘Who’s asking?’

  I hold out my hand, my palms suddenly feeling clammy. ‘I’m Noah.’

  Reluctantly, he shakes my hand, nodding slowly. ‘I’ve heard a lot about you, Noah.’

  ‘Don’t believe a word of it.’

  He doesn’t laugh. ‘No, I’m not sure I do.’

  I think perhaps there’s an insult in there, but I’m not quite sharp enough to work it out.

  ‘Well, I suppose you’d better come in,’ he says, opening the door and taking a step back to let me through.

  As he shuts the door, Mimi appears from another doorway. She looks particularly cute in spotty shorts, a white T-shirt and flip-flops. ‘What are you doing here?’

  I look at Mimi’s dad, a hint that I want to speak to Mimi alone. He doesn’t take it, standing firmly in the hallway.

  ‘I just wanted to speak to you.’

  ‘You could’ve called me.’

  I look over at Mimi’s dad again, but it looks as if he’s determined to humiliate me as much as possible. ‘I thought you might not pick up.’

  Mimi nods and I’m fairly sure I was right. ‘Come in. I’ll get you a drink. Dad was just about to mow the lawn, weren’t you, Dad?’ Mimi smiles sweetly at her dad and reluctantly he stands down and heads back through the house.