Until Next Weekend

by Rachel Marks

I’m not sure if it’s because Mimi notices the emotion in my voice, or whether she’s feeling bad for turning me down the other night, but she reaches out for my hand to hold me back. ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’

  I nod, desperate to get away, desperate to get home and drink myself into a mindless stupor.

  ‘OK. Well, I’ll see you soon, yeah? And thanks again, for everything.’

  I force a smile and then leave her snuggling in next to Harley.

  *

  On my way home, I make a misguided stop. I can smell the hand sanitizer all the way down the corridor. It’s bitter, but underneath it there’s something much worse. The smell of rotting, of misery. When the nurse, a ruddy and exceptionally smiley-faced lady, shows me into the room, Emma’s awake but drowsy and, perhaps I imagine it, but the first thing I see on her face when she notices me is a strange sort of fear. But then, although I can’t see my reflection, if any of the intense rage that is swirling inside of me is apparent on my face, it’s probably a perfectly natural reaction.

  ‘Noah.’

  ‘Emma.’

  ‘Apparently I have you to thank, or scream at, for not letting me die?’ She smiles weakly, but I don’t.

  ‘I read your note.’

  Emma looks confused and then it’s clear the penny drops. ‘The one for Harley?’

  I nod and then put my hand in my pocket and pull it out. Emma turns her head away, as if it hurts to look at it.

  ‘My mum committed suicide.’

  Emma looks up at me in surprise and a single tear slides down her face, as if someone had dropped it there with a pipette.

  ‘And do you know what?’ I continue. ‘If she hadn’t succeeded, if someone had got to her in time, like I did to you, do you know what I would’ve told her?’

  Emma focuses on her hands, one of which has a tube protruding from the top of it.

  ‘I’d have said, “ Don’t be so fucking selfish.” How dare you write that note to your son pretending you were doing him a favour? You think his life would be better if you killed yourself? Try living in my head. I wish you could, just for a second. Don’t you dare do that to Harley. Do you understand me?’

  More tears meander down her cheeks now and she wipes them with her knuckle then nods.

  ‘I want you to rip this up.’ I hand Emma her note, which she takes, her hand shaking.

  And then, slowly, she rips it into strips. ‘I’m so sorry, Noah.’

  She shouldn’t be apologizing to me. My outburst is completely unjustified and I loathe myself more than ever. But it feels like I’m possessed and I’ve got no control over myself.

  The nurse puts her head around the door and I realize I’ve been shouting. ‘Is everything OK in here? Emma, are you OK?’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m leaving.’

  Before I can do any more damage, I ignore Emma’s cries for me to stay and storm past the nurse, who eyes me with the disgust I deserve, and then march out to find my car. Before I start the engine, I call school and leave an answerphone message to tell them I have a sickness bug and won’t be in for the rest of the week. Then I drive home, stopping to get some alcohol, and then take it into the flat, drinking the Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle until I’m so off my face that I must fall asleep.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  The rest of the week is a blur of drinking, sleeping and calling in take-out food. I only leave the house to buy more alcohol. I don’t shower. I stream box set after box set from Netflix but don’t watch any of it, or if I do, I don’t remember what I’ve seen. The sofa becomes my bed, my cocoon, it takes on the scent of me, becomes like a second skin.

  For the first day or two, Mimi calls a lot. She sends several messages, some to tell me how Emma is, others asking if I’m OK as I’m not picking up. I don’t text her back, even though I should be writing messages to her that say the exact same thing. It’s been a couple of days since her last message now and, although I miss them, I’m glad she’s given up on me. It’s for the best, for her anyway.

  I’m supposed to be going back to work in two days’ time but it feels like an impossible feat. The thought of me wearing a shirt and tie, of not smelling like booze and sweat and shit food, of being able to string a coherent sentence together – it seems like that version of me is a very distant memory and I’m not sure how to find him again. If he even exists any more.

  My phone starts buzzing. I’m not sure where it is but I can feel the vibration somewhere nearby and run my hand along the back of the sofa. Sure enough, it’s there, pushed deep down at the back of the cushions. When I hold it up and squint to try to make out the name, the light of the screen causes the backs of my eyes to throb. It’s Kate.

  Reluctantly, I press answer and hold the phone to my ear. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Where are you, Noah? You promised you’d have the boys whilst we went to Sarah’s wedding. Please tell me you’re just running very late and not that you’ve forgotten?’

  I search my brain for the memory of the agreement and it’s there, but I hadn’t realized it was today.

  ‘There was an emergency. I’ll be there in half an hour.’

  ‘We’re going to miss the service, Noah. We don’t have half an hour. Can I just drop them off? It’s out of the way, but at least we’ll be on the move.’

  I look around the flat. ‘Well, uh, I’ll meet you outside then you don’t need to get out the car.’

  ‘OK. Fine. We’ll be there in ten.’

  ‘Sure.’

  I know I need to clear the flat of the rotting pizza boxes, the bottles of Jack Daniel’s thrown across the floor, the filthy quilt and pillows stained with tomato sauce and grease, but it feels insurmountable. So I go and throw some water on my face, slightly disturbed by the grey-faced man staring back at me from the mirror, and then throw on some joggers and a T-shirt before heading outside to meet Kate. I sit on the pavement whilst I wait for her, standing up feeling like a challenge too far, until I see Jerry’s car and force myself on to my feet and wave.

  Jerry pulls the car into a space a few doors down and I watch as Kate bundles the kids out the car before grabbing their rucksacks out the boot. When she reaches me, she looks red-faced and not at all happy.

  ‘What the hell is going on with you?’ she says in a lowered voice, the boys trailing behind her.

  ‘What?’ I shrug and then stand up tall, trying to disguise how terrible I’m feeling.

  Kate ushers the boys up the path to the flat. ‘You look a right mess. And you smell like a brewery.’

  ‘I had a fun night. Just because you don’t have them any more now you’re married to Mr Boring Pants, don’t take it out on me.’

  Kate opens her mouth and I prepare myself for the barrage of abuse, but then she closes it again and shakes her head. ‘I have to go. The sun is shining. Get the boys outside, please. And have a shower. I’ll collect them tomorrow around lunchtime.’

  ‘Have a good time.’

  ‘You’re not going to drive them anywhere, are you?’

  ‘Kate, I’m fine.’

  She runs her hand through her hair. ‘Please just promise me you won’t go out in the car. Please, Noah.’

  ‘Fine, whatever, I won’t go out. Now go, you’re going to miss the service.’

  ‘Thank you. Bye then, boys,’ she calls out to the boys who are nearly at my door and blows them both kisses. Adorably, they both blow her kisses back.

  Then Kate looks at them wistfully, as if she’s worried this is the last time she’ll see them as innocent beings before I corrupt and ruin them for good.

  ‘They’ll be fine. Relax and enjoy yourself.’

  Kate smiles, but looks less than convinced, then she heads off down the road to Jerry’s car.

  *

  ‘Can we go to the park, Daddy?’ Finn says, climbing on to the sofa to lay his body on top of mine.

  They’ve been watching TV for the past hour or so whilst I’ve lain on the sofa drifting in and out of sleep. When I force m
y eyes open, I can see they’ve both helped themselves to bowls overflowing with dry Coco Pops and numerous Fruit Shoots.

  ‘Daddy’s still tired, buddy. Why don’t you just watch another couple of episodes? We’ll go to the park tomorrow morning, yeah?’

  I attempt to close my eyes, but Finn holds them open by pushing up my eyebrows.

  ‘I’m bored of Spiderman, Daddy. I want to go to the park now.’

  ‘Just a bit longer, OK?’

  I gently move Finn off me and turn to face the back of the sofa, quickly drifting off again, but it’s not long before I’m awoken by him poking my eyelids.

  I move my head away. ‘Finn, stop.’

  Finn puts his hands on my cheeks and turns my face towards him. His palms feel clammy, like they did when he was a toddler, the skin still squidgy. ‘Why are you sleeping all the time, Daddy? Are you poorly? Do you want me to get my doctor’s kit and check you over?’

  ‘No, I just want you to let me sleep.’

  Finn climbs off the sofa and goes and sits beside his brother on the floor and then, just as I’m about to apologize for sending him away, there’s a thump on the front door. Who is it now?

  Before I can stop him, Finn runs over to the door, reaches up and opens the catch.

  ‘Hey, little monkey.’ It’s Ben’s voice and soon he’s in the flat – horrifyingly followed by Claudia. Just what I need.

  I sit up and run my fingers through my hair in a poor attempt to look more presentable. When Claudia surveys the state of the flat, I can see her nose physically turning upwards, like she’s just driven past a field where they’ve been muck-spreading.

  ‘Boys, get your shoes on. We’re going to the park.’ Claudia picks up the remote and turns the TV off, the boys staring at her in shock.

  ‘Hang on, who says we’re going to the park? They’re my kids, not yours, Claudia. Talking of which, where are the two little Miss Perfects?’

  ‘Don’t be an arse, Noah,’ Ben says. ‘Anyway, they’re with Claudia’s folks. We thought it’d be best to come on our own.’

  ‘Didn’t want to expose them to me, hey?’

  ‘Truthfully, no,’ Claudia says and then she ushers the boys over to find their shoes and starts helping them put them on.

  Then it suddenly dawns on me why they’re here. ‘Kate sent you, didn’t she?’

  ‘She’s worried about you,’ Ben says.

  ‘She doesn’t think I’m capable of looking after the boys, more like. I’m a good dad, you know? I don’t need help with them.’

  ‘You are a good dad. Don’t be mad at Kate. She just cares. Come on, let’s get out and blow off those cobwebs.’

  Part of me wants to shout, ‘I don’t bloody well need looking after’, but the other part wants to hand over complete control of myself – just tell me what to do. With a dramatic sigh, I go into my bedroom and change into a clean T-shirt and then locate my flip-flops by the door and follow them all out. On the walk to the park, my head feels heavy and my limbs ache, as if I’ve spent the past week over-exerting myself, when in reality I haven’t moved from my sofa. I don’t talk to Ben or Claudia and instead they focus on the boys, each holding one of the boys’ hands and chatting away merrily about something or other I can’t quite hear. I feel shivery even though it’s not cold and I wish I could have a drink to stop the throbbing in my head.

  When we arrive, I take up residence on a bench and Ben sits beside me, whilst Claudia follows the children closely as they traverse the climbing frame.

  ‘So, what’s up?’

  ‘Nothing. What is with everyone? Nothing’s up, OK?’

  Ben holds up his hands in surrender. ‘I’m just asking, Noah. You don’t need to bite my head off.’

  ‘I’m just sick of people always thinking the worst of me.’

  ‘People care about you. There’s a difference. And you stink of whisky, you look like shit and your flat looks like you’ve got squatters. What do you expect people to think?’

  I rub the sleep out of my eyes and then look directly at Ben. ‘Why did you get back in touch with Dad without talking to me about it first? I thought we had a pact. Us against him.’

  Ben sighs. ‘Not this again. Come on, Noah. We’re adults now. Surely after everything you’ve been through you can see it’s not that simple? That people make mistakes?’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  Ben shakes his head. ‘Let’s just talk about this when you’re in a better mood.’

  ‘You betrayed me, Ben.’

  It sounds sort of stupid as it exits my mouth, particularly as my voice is strained and almost whiny, like we’re kids again and he’s taken the opposition’s side in a playtime brawl.

  ‘I didn’t betray you, Noah. I just wanted a family. A proper family, like Claudia has. I wanted that for the girls.’

  ‘But he ruined that, don’t you see? He ruined our chance at a happy family.’

  ‘No, he didn’t. He made a mistake. He was heartbroken when Mum died. He didn’t know how to cope with it.’

  ‘He was heartbroken?’

  My voice must be raised more than I realize, as everyone in the park turns to look at me and I notice Claudia saying something to the boys before hurrying over.

  ‘Do you think maybe you should save this conversation for another time? A better place? I think you’re scaring some of the children.’

  I laugh bitterly. ‘I bet you love this, don’t you? Having to swoop in and rescue my boys from me?’

  Claudia looks at me and I’d like to say the look she gives me is patronizing, but actually she just looks sad. ‘I’m only trying to help, Noah. I’m not quite the bitch you think I am, you know?’

  Ben stands up and puts his arm around Claudia and it makes me feel crap that he thinks she needs protecting from me.

  ‘Do you want us to take the boys to ours for bit?’ Ben asks. ‘Just until you’re feeling a bit better?’

  ‘I’m fine. Thanks for checking on me. But you can go. I’d like some time alone with my boys.’

  Ben and Claudia turn to walk off, hand in hand, but I can tell they’re reluctant to leave. After a few seconds, Ben turns back. ‘Call us if you need us though, yeah? Don’t be too proud.’

  I nod, feeling shit that my loved ones no longer feel I can be trusted with my own children. But as I sit watching them clambering up the cargo nets, smiles spread across their faces, and yet all I can think about is when I can leave, go back to my flat and have a drink, I realize that everyone’s right. I am a terrible father and my amazing boys deserve someone so much better. Someone like Jerry. And for the first time in my life, I’m glad they’ve got him. I know he won’t let them down, won’t disappoint them, won’t damage them in ways that last a lifetime. He’s what they need and I am not.

  *

  When Kate arrives to pick the boys up the next day, they are playing on their tablets and stuffing themselves with Haribo.

  I put my arm across the open doorway to discourage Kate from coming in, but she ducks her head and steps under it.

  ‘Flat’s looking good,’ she says, surveying the chaos.

  ‘We can’t all live in a show home, Kate.’

  She storms over to the boys and grabs the nearly eaten packet of sweets from in between them.

  ‘Hey, we haven’t finished,’ Gabe says, indignant, looking up from his tablet briefly.

  ‘You have now.’

  Gabe begins to protest, but when Kate glares at him he soon stops.

  Kate heads towards the kitchen and, as she passes me, she takes my hand and pulls me along. Like a slightly confused child, I go with her.

  ‘Right, tell me what’s going on,’ she says, as her eyes flick around the room, and then she starts picking up various bits of debris and throwing them in the bin.

  ‘You don’t need to do that. I’ll tidy once the boys are gone. I just wanted to spend the time with them rather than sorting out the flat,’ I say, even though we both know it’s a lie.


  Kate shakes her head. ‘I can’t bear the thought of you living like this.’ She starts running a bowl full of water, squirting in the dregs of the Fairy liquid left in the bottle on the side.

  ‘Stop. I’m fine.’

  Kate begins to pile dirty plates and bowls into the soapy water, bubbles flying out as she throws the things in.

  ‘Please, Kate. Just stop.’ I don’t mean to shout it as loud as I do and feel guilty as I watch Kate’s shoulders jolt in shock.

  When she turns around, slowly, there are tears in her eyes. ‘I really don’t know what’s going on with you, Noah, but please don’t slip away from us again. The boys need you.’

  I look to the floor so that she can’t read what I’m thinking. ‘Work’s been full on. I’ve not had a chance to tidy. I’m not slipping anywhere.’

  ‘Then look me in the eye.’

  Slowly, I raise my head and look directly at her. ‘There’s nothing wrong. When you next come over, you won’t recognize the place. I’ll even buy some potpourri, how about that?’

  Kate smiles, but it’s just a fledgling smile, still unsure and not fully formed. ‘Please just let me do the washing-up for you?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because everybody needs looking after sometimes.’

  I have a sudden intense desire to fall into her arms and let her cradle me like a newborn.

  ‘I’ll do it as soon as you leave. Let’s go and get the boys’ stuff sorted. It’s your turn to do some parenting now, slack arse.’

  Kate nods, but I can tell she doesn’t really want to leave. ‘OK. You pack their bags and I’ll be bad cop and drag them off the tablets.’

  ‘Sounds like a good deal.’

  Once the boys are all packed up and ready to go, I give them both a cuddle and Kate ushers them out to wait by the car. They look so tiny walking down the path, their backpacks nearly sending them off-balance. And the fear I felt yesterday at the park comes rushing back, making me feel sick, and I know that my boys will be better off if I just let them go, slowly fade from their lives until I’m a distant memory.