Until Next Weekend

by Rachel Marks

  ‘Honestly, Kate. I’m fine. You don’t need to explain.’

  ‘I know it would feel odd if it was the other way around. I didn’t want you to find out like this. I wanted to tell you.’

  ‘So how far along are you?’

  ‘Thirteen weeks. We wanted to wait until we’d had the scan. We were going to tell you tonight. That’s one of the reasons we invited you over.’

  It did seem a little out of the blue. I should’ve guessed she didn’t just want to play happy families.

  ‘Have you got a picture?’

  ‘Of the scan?’

  I nod.

  ‘Yeah. Do you want to see it?’

  I nod again, momentarily lost for words. I do want to see it, but I’m not sure why.

  Kate goes inside and comes back out with the small rectangular image in her hand. When I look at it, I feel my heart constrict, as it takes me back to us cuddling on the sofa, poring over the scan pictures of Gabe and Finn. It’s strange to think of her and Jerry doing the same.

  ‘I expect you’re hoping it’s a girl?’ I force a laugh.

  ‘Actually, yes. But only because I can’t imagine a boy that’s not part of you, like Gabe and Finn. It sounds silly, but I just think I’d find it easier if it was a girl.’

  I’m not sure which would be worse for me. A couple of years after we had Finn, I suggested trying for a third. I always wondered what it would be like to have a daughter, a ‘daddy’s girl’ to balance out our two boys who would clearly push me into the path of an oncoming car if it meant saving their mum. But Kate kept avoiding the conversation and continued to religiously take her contraceptive pill. I guess she knew earlier than I realized that our marriage wasn’t going to stand the test of time. And now she may be having a daughter. But it won’t be mine.

  ‘Congratulations.’ I don’t mean for it to sound so sad, but it does.

  ‘Would you have any more?’ Kate asks, cutting through my thoughts.

  ‘I don’t think so. I’m not exactly great at all this relationship stuff, am I?’

  ‘I don’t know. You and Mimi seem great to me. I really like her, you know? I’m glad you’ve found her. For a while there, I worried you’d always be hung up on me.’ A slow smile spreads across Kate’s face.

  ‘Oh, because it’s such a hardship having a hot thing like me pining over you?’

  ‘You can’t imagine how horrible it’s been.’

  For a while, we sit and swing, Kate pulling a blanket from her outdoor storage box and draping it across our legs – the gentle rhythm strangely soothing, probably tapping into some subconscious infantile memory.

  Whilst she’s not looking at me, I feel confident enough to approach the subject that is never far from my mind. ‘Can I tell you something and you promise you won’t hate me?’

  I feel Kate turn her head towards me but I continue looking straight ahead. ‘Of course. You know you can always tell me anything.’

  I pause, take a deep breath and then say it. ‘Mimi’s sister kissed me.’ I feel better the second it shoots out of my mouth, but then the guilt seeps back in.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Shh. She might hear us.’

  ‘What did you do?’ Kate sits up straight.

  ‘I stopped her, but not straight away. I was pissed. Depressed. For a moment, I felt she understood, about Mum, I don’t know. It was just before Mimi came over and told me she wanted to give things a go, so we weren’t together, but even still …’ I lean my head back and look up at the sky. ‘It’s such a mess. I finally find someone I want a future with and I fuck it up. Why do I always do that?’

  ‘Is her sister going to tell her?’

  ‘I don’t think so, but she’s hard to predict.’

  ‘Well, I would’ve thought as she kissed you, she wouldn’t want Mimi to know.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s what I’m hoping. But maybe I should tell her anyway. Like you said, a relationship needs honesty.’

  Kate shakes her head like she’s trying to create enough momentum to take off. ‘Ignore what I said in there. That does not apply to this situation. You’ll lose her and it’d be for nothing.’

  ‘So you’re encouraging me to be a lying bastard?’

  ‘No. You weren’t together at the time. Your head was all over the place. You’re a lot of things, Noah, but you’re not dishonest.’ Then she pauses, and looks at me quizzically. ‘Did you ever cheat on me? All those times you stayed out all night and I didn’t hear from you? You know, you could tell me now and I’d forgive you.’

  I look her straight in the eyes. ‘Never. I swear on my life.’

  Kate nods slowly, her eyes appearing to contemplate something deeply. ‘Don’t tell her, Noah. You’ve got something good there. A chance to be happy. You deserve that.’ She taps me gently on the leg and I feel faintly reassured, like Kate giving me permission not to tell Mimi makes my dishonesty somehow acceptable. ‘Right, we’d better get back inside before they start to think we’re up to something.’

  ‘Thank you. For still being my best friend.’ I take Kate’s hand in my own, linking our fingers together.

  She lifts my hand to her mouth and kisses it. ‘Always.’

  ‘And congratulations about the baby. He or she is one very lucky little thing to have you as a mother.’

  Kate smiles, her eyes welling up. ‘Thank you.’

  *

  In the car on the way home, Mimi is particularly quiet and I wonder if, in her eyes, I’ve failed some sort of am-I-still-in-love-with-my-ex test. Because I no longer see Kate in that way, I forget that it might still be strange for Mimi. But she needn’t worry. I never thought it would happen again, and she’s definitely the only woman I want to be with right now and, if it didn’t sound so dramatic, I’d say ‘ever’.

  ‘You OK?’

  She looks wistfully out of the window, making patterns on the glass with her finger. ‘Are you?’

  ‘Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?’

  ‘Oh, I dunno. The fact your ex-wife is having somebody else’s baby?’

  I place my hand on her thigh. ‘It was a bit of a shock, I’ll be honest. It’s strange to think of the boys having a sibling that shares no more with me than a stranger on the street. But it’s not because I’m still in love with her, if that’s what you’re worried about?’

  Mimi shrugs, twiddling her hair around her finger – the picture of someone who is trying to pretend that’s not exactly what they’re worried about. ‘I’d understand if you were. She’s stunning, and lovely, and makes a cheesecake like Nigella.’

  I smile. ‘Trust me, that’s the best she has ever cooked. It wouldn’t surprise me if she bought it and then just bashed the edges a bit to make it look homemade. And you are stunning too, and lovely, so you have nothing to worry about.’

  As I say it, Emma’s face flashes through my brain. Mimi and I weren’t together. She’d be hurt, but she’d understand, wouldn’t she? And I’d be rid of this guilt. It could make us stronger, couldn’t it?

  ‘Actually, there’s something I wanted to tell you.’ The words stumble out of my mouth without me having prepared what to say. I flick the indicator to pull into my road and the tick-tock is like a woodpecker hammering into my skull, preventing me from thinking straight.

  When I don’t continue, Mimi says, ‘What is it?’ Her voice is a mixture of concern and anticipation.

  ‘Well, the thing is …’ I manoeuvre the car into a space and pull the handbrake on, turning the ignition off.

  Then I look at her, her beautiful face, her kind, expressive eyes. And I just say what I’m feeling. ‘I think I’ve fallen in love with you.’

  She looks back at me and I expect to see surprise, perhaps even a stray tear meandering down her cheek, but instead she’s smiling. ‘About bloody time. I’ve known that you’re in love with me for a long time, Noah. I was just waiting for you to realize it so that I could tell you that I love you too.’

  ‘Oh, is that so?’

  �
�You didn’t keep coming back to the scuzziest pub in town for the atmosphere now, did you?’ Mimi reaches for my hand and then leans across the handbrake and kisses me. ‘But, thank you, it’s really lovely to hear.’

  ‘It’s OK. I mean it. I never thought I would, but I do.’

  Mimi pulls back. ‘So you never thought you’d fall in love with me? Should I be offended about that?’

  ‘No. I don’t mean that you’re not amazing.’

  ‘Irresistible?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Inspiring?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Beautiful in an almost other-worldly sense?’

  I give her my best I’m-well-aware-you’re-taking-the-piss glare. ‘What I mean is, I just didn’t think I’d ever love anyone again. I know that sounds dramatic. I’m only thirty. But it just felt so impossible. And then you came along and everything seems possible again.’

  Mimi pinches my cheeks. ‘Who knew you could be so adorable? Right, come on. I think you’ve earned a shag with all that.’ She opens her car door.

  ‘Glad to hear it,’ I laugh, getting out of the car and meeting her on the other side. Then I pick her up, struggle with the front door key and carry her to the bedroom, knowing that the time for me to tell her about Emma has passed and that, if I want to be happy, I need to stop letting it eat me up and just move on.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  It’s the morning of my class assembly. Although I’m trying to hide it behind a laissez-faire demeanour, I’m shitting myself. I attempt a little bit of joviality with the parents, laughing and rolling my eyes when two of the children walk in having a fight over a drumstick, one trying to grab it off the other and getting a swift smack over the head with it.

  ‘Save that for the performance,’ I joke, loudly enough for everyone to hear, even though the two children involved are not acting in it and the play doesn’t involve any fighting.

  Once they’re seated along the benches at the front of the hall, some of the children start waving to their parents, but most of them haven’t turned up despite the fact they don’t work and have been sent multiple reminders. Harley’s waving like a madman and I search the crowd to see both Emma and Mimi sitting together, Emma giving him the thumbs up and Mimi blowing him kisses. I wink at Mimi, who gives me a cheeky wink back, and Emma gives me this look – I can’t really work out what she’s trying to say, but it makes me feel unsettled. Like she’s holding a detonator in her hand and if I do or say anything that she doesn’t approve of, she’s going to press it. I smile at her, trying to win her favour, but she just drops her eyes to the floor.

  The head appears beside me and whispers in my ear, ‘I’ve been really looking forward to seeing this.’ She says it in such a way that I sense it’s a warning, more Your job is on the line than It’ll be so lovely to see what the children have been up to. I smile, but don’t say anything, keeping my hands gripped behind my back, my nails digging into my skin, my eyes facing out towards the rest of the school lined up neatly in rows, with the smattering of parents on chairs behind.

  Once everyone’s in, the head claps her hands, and like robots, all the children clap back, sitting up straight then putting a forefinger to their lips. My class, sitting behind her, wriggle and whisper and I try to give them the evil eye, but it doesn’t work. When the head turns around with a face like thunder though, they all fall silent. Creeps.

  ‘Right, today, we have the wonderful reception children. I can’t believe their first year with us is nearly coming to an end. Well, I can’t wait to see what the children have been learning. I’ll hand over to you, Mr Carlton, and the reception class.’

  I stand up, giving a sickly smile. ‘Thank you, Mrs Jackson. Well, I know the children are a little bit nervous (get the excuses in early) but I hope you enjoy our performance, as they’ve worked so hard on it and I’m really proud of them (guilt-trip everyone into thinking it’s better than it is). Take it away, class R.’

  Nothing happens and I feel myself breaking into a cold sweat.

  ‘Darcy, remember what we practised?’

  Darcy stares at me blankly. I gave her the ‘welcome to our assembly’ line as I figured it was fairly impossible to forget it. It seems I was wrong.

  I creep along the line of children and take her hand, pulling her up off the bench and over to the microphone. I whisper ‘Welcome to our assembly’ in her ear, but she says nothing. So I say the words, feeling like I should be putting my hand in the back of her head and moving her mouth like a puppet. I smile at her and gesture for her to sit down, but she doesn’t. I’m not sure if she’s realized that she suddenly likes the limelight or whether she has no idea why there is a man stood next to her waving his hand, but in the end I have to manoeuvre her back to the bench, at which point luckily she sits down.

  With a bit of off-stage prompting, the next few children manage their lines and then the full production kicks off. It’s going well; the first little wolf builds her house using the bales of straw I managed to cadge off one of the parents who happens to be in the farming industry. The audience look impressed. And then Harley comes bounding in, shouting his lines so loud the rest of the children cover their ears and then, rather than huffing and puffing and gently pushing the straw bales over as he’s supposed to, he blows in the first wolf’s (Annabelle’s) face, smattering her cheeks with spittle, making her cry, and then karate-kicks the straw bales so that one falls off the other and knocks into her, causing her to topple over like a domino. Of course it had to happen to Annabelle (why did I choose her to be a wolf?) and her mum comes rushing down the side of the hall and picks her up, cradling her in her arms like she’s been shot. She carries her offstage and I whisper in Harley’s ear, pleading with him to try to stick to what we practised. He looks at me and I can’t quite tell if the smile he gives me is one of agreement, or one that says I-am-in-control-here-and-no-one-can-stop-me. He charges off towards the second wolf (James) and, after taking a quick glance at me, launches into ‘Little Wolf, Little Wolf, let me come in.’ And, thank the Lord, this time, after James has said his line, Harley starts huffing and puffing and kicks the stick house (made of painted wrapping paper rolls) a little over-zealously but not enough to cause harm or upset.

  The play continues without further incident and ends on a high with an out-of-tune but fun song (with dancing or at least something that resembles dancing) and soon, much to my relief, the ordeal is over and the parents start clapping. Mimi gives me a great beaming smile, blows a kiss to Harley and then to me, and I smile back. But then I notice Emma just watching us with a face that doesn’t say ‘happy’ and then she whispers something in Mimi’s ear and all of a sudden Mimi’s face falls too and she stares at her sister and then at me, and my whole world turns black, as I have a pretty good idea what Emma’s just said.

  *

  Once all the other classes and their teachers have returned to their classrooms, the parents are welcomed up to take photographs of their children. Mimi heads over to Harley, avoiding any eye contact with me, and I try to get over to her, but parents keep stopping me to pat me on the back and congratulate me for such an ‘entertaining’ assembly. I can’t focus, my brain working overtime to think up a way I can escape from school long enough to talk things over with Mimi, but I know there’s no way I can get out before the end of the day.

  As Mimi walks past me, head down, I try to hurry the conversation I’m having with another parent along, but by the time I get away, Mimi and Emma have gone.

  *

  I try calling Mimi what feels like a thousand times but she doesn’t answer the phone. I know she’s working at the pub tonight so I wait until the end of her shift and then stand outside waiting for her to come out. I watch the last few punters leave and then open the door.

  ‘Sorry, we’re closed,’ Mimi shouts, her back to me. And then when I don’t respond, she turns around, her face falling as soon as she sees it’s me. ‘Please leave, Noah. I have nothing to say to you.’

/>   ‘So let me speak. You don’t have to say a word. And then I’ll go if you want me to.’

  ‘I want you to go now.’

  I take one of the stools down off the table and sit down.

  ‘Noah, I’m serious. Leave, or I’m going to call the police.’

  ‘What did she say to you? She might not be telling the truth, you know.’

  ‘So you didn’t kiss her?’

  ‘She kissed me. There’s a difference.’

  ‘And you stopped her straight away?’

  I let my head hang, unable to hold it up, unable to look at her. ‘I was drunk, my head was all over the place with the whole suicide thing.’ Then I look up at her. ‘We weren’t together. It was before you came over to say you wanted to give things a go, did she tell you that? I didn’t cheat on you. I’d never cheat on you.’

  I mean it as a reassurance, but it comes out like I’m excusing what I did.

  ‘So you spend the evening getting it on with her and the following morning fucking me? That makes me feel much better.’

  ‘It wasn’t like that. I realized it was a mistake and stopped it.’

  ‘And how long did it take for you to realize that, Noah? Once you were almost in the bedroom?’

  An image of Emma grabbing the button on my jeans flashes into my head. ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘And you’re sure about that? You weren’t too off your face? Because there’s no coming back from this if you lie to me. You do realize that?’

  I rack my brain for the memory of that night. I know I was drunk but I’m sure about what happened.

  ‘What did she tell you?’

  ‘You tell me what happened.’

  ‘She kissed me, but I stopped her. I have no interest in Emma. I wanted to help her, that’s all.’

  ‘So why didn’t you tell me? If you’re so innocent, why didn’t you just tell me when I came over?’

  I run my hands through my hair. ‘I wish I had. I’ve thought about it so many times since, but I just didn’t want to hurt you, or ruin things between you and Emma.’