Until Next Weekend

by Rachel Marks

  ‘So you’re mad at me?’

  Mimi extends her hand and touches my cheek. ‘Furiously.’ Then she smiles.

  Seeing her soften, I’m desperate to say all the things I’ve been keeping inside since I last saw her.

  ‘I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you what happened with Emma. I never ever wanted to hurt you, you have to know that.’

  ‘Actually, I need to talk to you about that.’

  There’s a flicker of emotion in my chest – hope? Fear?

  ‘Emma told me that she lied about what happened. That she kissed you and you told her you weren’t interested. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.’

  I can’t keep the excitement from my voice. ‘So is there a chance? For us?’

  Mimi shifts uncomfortably in her chair. ‘I booked the rest of my trip. I decided to go for four and a half months in the end.’

  Disappointment is a strange sensation. You can almost feel the tug downwards. Like all your organs are being pulled to the ground.

  ‘Sounds amazing.’ I manage to muster a little faux-enthusiasm. ‘I’m actually going away myself this summer. The head asked me to do this placement at a school in Africa. I figured it was about time I did something positive with my life.’

  ‘Wow, that sounds incredible, Noah. Good for you.’

  I hate the way the conversation is going – as if our lives are quite happily travelling in different directions when that’s not what I want. Not one bit. ‘I’ll be here when you get back, you know?’

  Mimi pushes my hair off my forehead and then stands up and kisses it. ‘I’d better get to work. I’m really glad to see you’re OK. Now get some rest.’

  She turns and heads for the door.

  ‘If you’d give me the chance, I’d spend my whole life trying to make you happy. You know that, don’t you?’

  When Mimi looks back, her smile is sad. ‘Try to get some sleep.’

  Kate appears to have pulled out all the stops for my leaving party. When Ben parks up in the driveway (on Kate’s request giving me a lift over), I see a huge clump of balloons attached to the front door, bunting draped down to the front gate, little solar-powered lamps lining the path. Inside, there’s more bunting leading through to the back of the house and towards the garden. As we pass the kitchen, there are bowls of salads and nibbles lining the worktop along with rows of glasses and copious bottles of soft drinks and cider. Through the patio doors, I can see the boys chasing around and Jerry stood at the barbecue whilst Kate appears to be setting up some games.

  It’s not until I’m outside that I notice him, standing in the corner of the garden as if he’s not sure whether he should hide, jump over the garden fence or come and greet me.

  When Kate notices us, she comes running over, hugging Claudia first and then Ben before lingering for longer on me.

  ‘Is it OK? Your dad?’ she whispers in my ear.

  I nod, my chin rubbing her shoulder. ‘It’s OK. Thanks for all this, Kate.’

  We move apart. ‘You’re very welcome.’

  The boys charge over, smashing into me. ‘Hey, Daddy. Come and play tag.’

  ‘I will. Just give me a minute, OK?’

  The others start chattering in a little circle and I go over to Dad, who is looking lost standing on the periphery on his own. It feels weird seeing him after the last time, when I broke down in his arms. I’m not sure how to act.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hey, son.’

  I nod to his nearly empty bottle. ‘Do you want me to get you another drink?’

  ‘No, I’m OK. I’m driving.’

  ‘Soft drink?’

  Dad puts his hand on my arm. ‘I’m fine. Enjoy your party, Noah. You deserve it. The Africa thing is amazing. I’m proud of you.’

  It’s funny how those words always mean the most coming from a parent, regardless of how disconnected you may have been.

  ‘Thanks. It’s just an excuse for a free holiday really.’

  Dad smiles. ‘Perhaps when you get back you could bring the boys over and I’ll cook for you. Don’t laugh but I’ve been taking cookery lessons. Sad really, but it gets me out the house.’

  I don’t like the thought of him being lonely, especially considering I may have contributed to it over the years. And to my surprise, I actually really want to see him.

  ‘Sounds good. I’d like that.’

  ‘Great. We’ll get a date in the diary.’

  The boys start calling me to catch them and then run away.

  ‘I’d better go and play tag for a bit or they’ll never stop going on at me.’

  ‘Of course. Go.’

  I wander off towards the boys and notice Ben going over to Dad, ushering him into the circle. I chase the boys for a bit until I’m out of breath and sweaty then go inside to get myself a drink. As I’m grabbing a cider out of the fridge, I sense someone in the room and look up to see Kate standing on the other side of the worktop.

  ‘Is this OK?’ She gestures to the food, the garden.

  ‘Are you kidding me? It’s amazing. Thank you so much. I really didn’t expect a leaving party.’

  ‘Well, I couldn’t just let you leave, could I?’ Kate takes some bags of crisps from the cupboard and empties them into bowls. ‘And you’re sure you’re OK with your dad being here? When Ben told him you were off on your travels, he really wanted to come and say goodbye.’

  ‘It’s fine. It’s nice. Thank you.’ I look at my watch and then glance across towards the hallway. ‘Did you invite Mimi?’

  Kate nods, her face falling. ‘She said she thought it was best as just a family thing. Sorry.’

  I shake my head. ‘No worries. It’s fine.’

  ‘I still think she’ll come round, you know? Give her time.’

  ‘It’s OK. She’s right. She’s better off without me anyway.’

  Kate holds her hand up. ‘No more of that.’

  I try my best to put on a brave face. ‘Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the boys.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘I was wondering if I could see them a bit more often once I’m back. Maybe have them stay on a weekday each week as well as every other weekend? I know it’ll mean booking them into breakfast club, but it’s only one morning a week and it might be a help when the baby comes. And I promise I won’t let them down any more. That I’ll always be there when I say I will.’

  ‘I know. And you don’t need an excuse, Noah. They’re your boys too. I mean, I’ll miss the little pains, but I think it’s a great idea. You can do some of the mundane stuff like the dreaded spelling homework and reading journals.’

  I smile. ‘I’d like that.’

  ‘So would they.’

  I look outside. ‘Right, come on, that barbecue smells like it’s almost ready. I expect old Jamie Oliver out there has made his own burgers, hasn’t he?’

  ‘Actually, he has. He won’t let me eat anything processed since being pregnant. I could murder a dirty hot dog.’

  ‘Glad to hear he’s looking after you.’

  ‘He is.’

  We go out to the garden and join the others. We play quoits (I win) and giant Jenga (I don’t, sending the whole thing toppling to the ground and nearly breaking the boys’ toes). We eat Jerry’s delicious food and drink cider (Kate swigging on a non-alcoholic one and the boys drinking Appletiser, all proud that they get to drink it out of a bottle). The sun shines and the birds sing and if it wasn’t for the Mimi-shaped hole, it would be a perfect afternoon. Even Claudia doesn’t irritate me too much for once.

  But all too soon, it’s time to leave. And saying goodbye to my boys for six weeks feels like a task I will never be ready for. But first it’s time for Dad to go, so I walk him to the front door, contemplating the awkward ‘do we hug or don’t we?’

  ‘Have an amazing trip. Take care of yourself.’ Dad puts his hands in his pockets and then takes them out and holds them in front of him, but then he drops them again, as if they’re heavy and he ca
n’t keep them up.

  So I hug him. And he hugs me back tight.

  ‘I’m so glad we’re back in touch,’ he says into my ear and the emotion in his voice hits me in the chest.

  ‘Me too.’

  I tap him on the back and then we separate and he leaves. And I go back outside to find the boys, noticing that the others head indoors to give us some space.

  We sit on the swings, Finn on my knee and Gabe on his own swing beside us.

  ‘Promise you’ll email me every day?’ Gabe asks.

  We recently set him up an account and he loves getting messages. (I’m well aware a huge part of it is giving him an excuse to go on his tablet, but it’s still nice, seeing his words written down, imagining them said in his voice, and whilst I’m away I’m going to need them more than ever.)

  ‘Every day. And I’ll put a message on there for Gabe to read to you too, buddy.’ I move Finn’s unruly fringe off his face and kiss his forehead.

  ‘I can read too now, you know, Daddy?’ Finn gives me an incredulous look.

  ‘I know. Sorry. You can read it yourself then.’

  Gabe sneaks me a smile, knowing as well as I do that Finn is still very much at the c-a-t level of reading, and it shows how much Gabe is growing up because not that long ago he would’ve tactlessly put his brother straight about it.

  ‘I’m going to miss you both every single day, you know that, don’t you?’

  ‘Do you have to go?’ Finn asks, turning his head and peering up at me with watery eyes.

  ‘He’s going to help other kids. Ones that don’t have as much as us. It’s important, Finn.’

  I smile at my eldest son and imagine Kate sitting down and explaining to them why I’m going away.

  ‘But we’re important,’ Finn says, his face screwed up at Gabe.

  I stroke his golden hair. ‘You two are the most important things in my entire life and always will be. The other children are just borrowing me for a few weeks, but you get to keep me forever, OK?’

  ‘I s’pose.’ Finn gives me a grumpy look and I kiss the top of his head then lift him off me and stand up.

  ‘And Mummy and I decided that me just seeing you every other weekend wasn’t enough. So when I get back, you’re going to stay with me for a night in the week too.’

  ‘Every week?’ Gabe asks.

  ‘Yeah, every week. Is that OK?’

  ‘Of course. It’s awesome.’

  I smile. ‘Good. Come on then. Give me a hug.’

  I crouch down and both boys wrap their arms around me and I wonder how long I can get away with staying here for because I’m not sure I can let go. But eventually both boys start wriggling and I know I need to get up and go home.

  I ruffle their hair. ‘I love you, boys. See you very soon.’

  ‘Bye, Daddy.’

  And then they both return to the swings as if it’s just another day and I force myself to turn and go inside.

  ‘Ready?’ Ben says, holding out his keys.

  ‘As I’ll ever be.’

  I say my goodbyes and thank yous to Jerry and Kate and then Ben drives me home. I sit in the back, quiet, watching as Ben and Claudia giggle about something one of the girls did. I’m not sure how I missed it before – how well they get on – maybe I was too busy seeing what I wanted to.

  When we pull up outside, I lean through the gap in the front seats and give Claudia a kiss on the cheek, trying not to laugh at the shock (fear?) on her face.

  ‘You’re a good couple.’

  Ben looks confused. ‘What’s got into you?’

  I shake my head. ‘Nothing. Just an observation. Thanks for the lift. And everything … you know?’

  Ben reaches down to undo his seatbelt.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ll see myself in. Now don’t do anything too crazy whilst I’m away, will you two?’

  ‘Sod off, Noah,’ Claudia says, but she’s smiling.

  ‘Take care of yourself out there, OK?’ Ben says.

  ‘I will.’ I tap him on the shoulder then get out and walk into the flat.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  I always find something sombre about airports. I don’t know what it is. In the main part, they’re full of people going on exciting trips, adventures, holidays, but they always feel like goodbye. Always make me sad for everything I’m leaving behind. And today, of course, they feel that way more than ever. The thought of not seeing the kids for six weeks feels like something’s lodged in my stomach. Constantly prodding me. And knowing Mimi’s flying off any day now in the opposite direction doesn’t help matters much.

  But, at the same time, I finally feel like I’m doing something important. That, in the tiniest of ways, I’m making a difference. A lot of times at work it feels like I’m going against the natural order of things, dragging kids who would rather be running around in the woods through a list of unrealistic and unnecessary requirements, trying to teach them about when to use a capital letter when they need to be learning which foot which shoe goes on, or making them stand in a straight line or sit with crossed legs when they should be charging around and jumping and climbing. But with the children in Africa, I might actually be able to make things a bit better for them.

  I sit in the airport bar, not wanting to go through security yet. Kate always used to tease me about it. She wanted to go through and get settled as soon as we’d checked in, but I always felt there was something final about it. Something claustrophobic. Like once you were through you couldn’t escape. You could never come back.

  It’s only ten o’clock in the morning but I’ve ordered a beer. I’m by no means the only one. Time doesn’t seem to apply in an airport. People eat burgers at five a.m, porridge at teatime, start drinking before it’s even got light. The alcohol goes to my head fairly quickly, which is a good thing, as I’m a bit of a nervous flyer (understatement), and I start to relax into the whole thing, allowing myself to look forward to the adventure ahead.

  Then, out of the corner of my eye, I spot them. At first, I think I’m hallucinating. But then Finn sees me and starts running towards me and soon he’s jumping up on my chair and nearly knocking over my beer.

  ‘Daddy !’ He wraps his arms around my neck and I hold him tight.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I position him on my knee so I can look at him, still not quite able to take in that he’s here.

  ‘We’ve come to say goodbye. We brought you a present.’

  Gabe comes up beside him, flicking his brother on the arm. ‘You weren’t supposed to tell him yet, Loserface.’

  Finn puts on his best frown.

  Then Kate sidles over, her skin glowing, her bump starting to show beneath her T-shirt. ‘See, I told you he wouldn’t have gone through,’ she says, putting her hand on Gabe’s shoulder. Then she turns to me. ‘He was worried you’d have gone through security and we wouldn’t get the chance to say goodbye, but I told him I knew you too well.’

  I smile. ‘And you were right. But you didn’t need to drive all this way. You already threw me a party.’

  ‘I know, but the kids said they had a present that they’d forgotten to give to you.’ Then she lowers her voice. ‘I wouldn’t get too excited.’

  Gabe shoves Kate in the side. ‘I heard that, Mummy. It’s actually really cool, thank you very much.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s to stop you getting eaten by a lion,’ Finn says.

  Kate bites back a smile. ‘I think they think because you’re going to Africa, you’re going on safari.’

  Gabe pulls Kate’s handbag off her shoulder and rummages inside, taking out his favourite orange purse he’s had since he was a toddler. Then he hands it to me.

  ‘You want me to take your purse?’

  ‘No, silly, look inside,’ Finn says, laughing.

  I open it up and pull out two one-pence pieces, shiny from rubbing around in the boys’ pockets all this time, and I feel my breath catch in my chest.

  ‘It’s our magic coins, Daddy,’ Gabe says. ‘To keep yo
u safe. Hopefully we’ll be all right without them for a few weeks.’ Gabe begins to look a little concerned, as if he’s only just considered this potential problem.

  I rub the coins with my thumb and then put one back into the purse. ‘You guys share that one and I’ll take the other. That way, we’ll all be safe.’

  Gabe crinkles his nose in contemplation. ‘Yes, I think that should work.’

  I laugh and pull Gabe into a hug, wrapping my other arm tighter around Finn, who is still sitting on my lap. ‘Thank you so much, boys. I’ll keep it with me the whole time.’

  Gabe shuffles away and looks up at his mum. ‘See, told you it was special.’

  Kate ruffles his hair. ‘You were right, as usual.’ Then she looks at her watch and I look at mine. ‘I suppose you’d better be going through.’

  I scan the airport, realizing from the disappointment in the pit of my stomach that I was hoping Mimi might turn up. That maybe she’d appear at the airport with a declaration of love like they do in the movies.

  I push the last of my pint across the table and lift Finn down off my knee. ‘Yep, I guess I better had.’

  As I stand up, Kate comes over and kisses me on the cheek, her firm bump grazing my side. ‘We’re really proud of you, Noah. Aren’t we, boys?’

  ‘Yeah. I told everyone at school that you were going to help children who didn’t have as much money as us and they said you should come and do an assembly when you get home. Will you do that, Daddy?’ Gabe asks.

  ‘Of course. I’d love to.’

  ‘And I’ll be able to see you because I’ll be in assembly too,’ Finn says.

  ‘That’d be awesome.’

  I pick up my case and start to go, but Kate stops me, wrapping her arms around me. Then the boys follow, grabbing on to a thigh each. I’m determined not to cry, but it’s not easy, especially as when I pull away, I can see tears in Kate’s eyes.

  ‘Take care of yourself and come back to us safe and sound, you hear me.’

  I nod. ‘I’ve got my magic coin to protect me now, so I’ll be fine.’

  The boys smile proudly and I crouch down so I can look them both in the eyes. ‘When I come back, as soon as I get off the plane, I’m going to drive straight to your house to see you both, OK?’