by Casey, L. A.
He looked up at me, rose to his full height, which made me tilt my head back just so I could keep eye contact with him. He took my face in his hands and said, “You’ve made me the happiest man on the face of this earth, only one thing would make me happier than you having my baby.”
I froze. “What?”
“Being with you again. Waking up and seeing your face first thing in the morning, holding you when I fall asleep at night. I want you, Frankie. Now more than ever.”
Risk lowered my dress back down, but he never took his eyes off me.
“Not just because I’m pregnant?” I pressed. “You want me for me, right?”
“Of course, just for you. I’ve wanted you back since the moment you sent me away when I was eighteen.” He shook his head. “The only difference now is I’m fighting for you, for my family. I won’t walk away, not even if you send me away. I’ll fight for you, for us, until I’ve no breath left in my body.”
It was like I had been sucked into a recurring dream where I had heard Risk say all of this to me before. I was so scared I was going to wake up and find myself all alone again.
“I love you.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “D’you love me?”
“Yes,” I answered without hesitation. “So much. I love you.”
“Then be with me,” he said. “It’s as easy as that. Be mine again . . . we’ll figure everything else out along the way. As long as we’re together, we can figure everything out.”
“Okay,” I said, surprising us both with my quick acceptance.
“Yeah? Just like that?”
“Yeah,” I squeezed him. “I’ve wanted to be yours, and only yours, since I was fifteen. Nothing’s changed about that, rock star. I don’t think there will be a perfect time for us to get together but I’m not wasting any more time. I want to be with you. My mum’s passing has shown me I need to live my life to the fullest, I need to create my own happiness. I know that happiness is with you.”
“Thank God,” he took my face in his hands. “Because I was hoping you’d be living with me rather than being a neighbour when I have the new house built.”
A veil of confusion washed over me.
“I don’t understand.”
“A piece of land a few hundred of metres that way,” he pointed past the colourful beach huts, “has been for sale the last year,” Risk smiled. “I closed on it today. The land is just behind the beach so while the beach won’t be ours, the land will be. We can build on it whatever way we want, we can wake up every morning and see the ocean and the pier, two things we both love.”
I was so surprised that I was momentarily speechless.
“You . . . here in Southwold . . . but LA?”
“Cherry,” he chuckled. “I can live anywhere in the world. LA was easier because so much work took place there but also because it was far away from you. I needed to be far away from you if I couldn’t have you. Me and the guys have been talking it over and we want to split our time. Angel wants to continue to live in LA, his girlfriend just moved in with him. His mum and sister both live there so that was the obvious choice for him. Hayes and May will keep their homes in the Hills, as will I, but they’re both buying houses in London, too. May already owns his childhood home here in town which I’m sure he’ll continue to happily use.”
I felt as if I swallowed my tongue.
“Nolan is going to take care of our schedules, he’s our acting manager now that Chris is gone. He’s searching for a competent assistant in the meantime. When we want to record, we’ll schedule it. When we have to promote our music, play festivals, tour, go to award shows and do other work shit, we’ll know about everything in advance. That way you can decide whether you want to come along with me or stay here until I come back.”
This was all too wild to believe.
“It can’t be as simple as that . . . it can’t be.”
“It is now that we’re successful and earn good money. At the start this was never a possibility but it is now, Cherry.”
“Why does is sound like you knew that we’d get back together?” I quizzed. “This is all very well planned out, Risk.”
He brushed loose strands of hair from my face.
“Because I wasn’t going to walk away this time, Frankie. I was going to get on my knees and beg you if I had to. God, baby, you have no idea just how much I love you, d’you?”
If it was anywhere near as much as I loved him then yeah, I knew.
“I may have a vague idea.”
“Only a vague one?” His lips twitched. “I guess I better get a jump on letting you know just how much I love you.”
“I think you should.”
He lowered his face to mine. “What d’you propose?”
“Well,” I smiled. “I think a kiss would be a good place to start.”
“I’ve a question first.”
“Ask it.”
I sucked in a breath and flung my hands over my mouth when he dropped to one knee, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a drop-dead gorgeous diamond ring.
“I didn’t think I’d be doing this right now,” he said. “I bought this ring the day I got to LA and I kept in in my pocket my entire stint because I knew one day I would ask you to marry me with it. I went to see Michael this morning and I asked his permission to marry you when I earned your trust back. He gave me a bit of a hard time but he shook my hand and said yes. You’re my light, Frankie Fulton. You have been since I was thirteen. You would made me the happiest, and luckiest, man in the world if you would do me the honour of becoming my wife. Will you marry me, Cherry?”
“Yes!” I screamed as I burst into tears. “Yes, Risk.”
Risk put the ring on my band finger then shot to his feet and in the same moment, his lips were on mine, our forever was sealed the second his lips touched mine.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
FRANKIE
“What’re ye thinkin’ so hard about, kid?”
I looked up at Michael and shrugged.
“Everything,” I answered. “I can’t focus on one thing, it’s just a jumbled mess up there.”
“I know the feelin’,” he placed a cup of tea in front of me.
I was in the home Michael and my mum had shared. It looked the exact same as the last time it did when my mum was alive, but it didn’t feel the same anymore. It was as if her presence had vanished even though all of her things were still here. I thought coming here would make me feel close to her, but it didn’t.
“I want to ask how you’re doin’, but I know ye’ve gotten that question as much as I have.”
Wasn’t that the truth. The year-round residents of Southwold had gone above and beyond for my mum. They had sent flowers, cards, homemade dishes and offered to be on call for a chat 24/7 should either Michael or myself need it. I loved my town and I loved the people in it even more.
“Today is a good day,” I admitted. “But God, I miss her, Michael. I miss her so much.”
“So do I, kid. We always will.”
“It’s weird though,” I toyed with the handle on my cup. “The woman we knew left us a long time ago, but now that she’s gone completely, I feel like I’m grieving that part of her being gone all over again.”
“That’s the thing about grievin’, Frankie. None of it makes any sense. We know there are stages to grief, but no two people actually grieve the same. We’re human, we aren’t made to just accept the people we love most can be gone forever. It’s why we hurt for so long then eventually reach a place when we can smile when we think of them. Even smilin’ when you think of a passed loved one is grievin’. Don’t let anyone ever tell you different.”
“You’re right,” I said. “I know you are. I’m just trying to find a way to cope with this feeling. It hurts.”
Michael reached over and clasped my hand in his.
“I know it does, love.”
I looked up at my stepdad and my heart broke.
“Michael, have I ever truly told you how
much I love you?” I asked, squeezing his hand. “I know I call you by your name, but you’re very much my dad. You know that, don’t you?”
He smiled wide, tears glistening in his eyes.
“Of course I know you love me,” he said. “And you’re me baby girl. You’re nothin’ less than me daughter, Frankie.”
I got up at the same time as he did and we hugged tightly and cried. We both felt the same level of pain because we both missed one hell of an incredible woman.
“I have to speak to you about something.”
“Does it have anythin’ to do with that rock on your finger?”
“Risk is back,” I smiled. “But I guess you already know that, right?”
The way I peeked up at Michael made him laugh.
“Did he ask you down on one knee like he better have?”
“Yes,” I smiled, flushing. “You’re so sneaky.”
He reached for my hand when I held it out to him and rubbed his fingertips over my engagement ring. I stared down at it, still not being able to believe it was mine because Risk had asked me to marry him and I said yes. This morning when I woke up, I was at war with myself, wondering how I was going to tell him I was pregnant after everything we had been through and now I was engaged to the man and planning a future together for our family. Our family. Me, Risk and our son. It was all too good to be true and I thanked God for every second of it.
“He’s excited?” Michael asked. “About the baby?”
I had told Michael I was pregnant when I was twelve weeks and he was so excited to be a grandfather.
“Madly.” I shook my head. “You were right, I was scared over nothing.”
“Told you so.”
I snorted. “That you did.”
I looked at the man who was once nothing more than a GP to me but was now the only parent I had left on this earth and my spirit felt a little crushed.
“What’s wrong?”
I exhaled a breath. “Risk can’t permanently stay in Southwold year round. He has to travel a lot for work. He said we’re going to make it work so we’re here in Southwold the majority of every year but there will be times he is touring, or has to go back to the States and I want to be with him when he goes.”
“I’d expect nothin’ less than a wife wantin’ to be with her husband.” Michael smiled. “So what’s the issue?”
I looked down. “I . . . I don’t want to leave you and Mum.”
I felt horrible when I thought about it.
“Look at me, little.”
I lifted my eyes to Michael’s and the love he had for me shone bright within them.
“Your mam will be with you everywhere ye go.” He squeezed my hand. “She knew, more than anyone, how much ye loved Risk. I know she would want you to spend your life with him in happiness.”
I whimpered. “But how can I just leave her here . . . how can I leave you here all alone?”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Michael smiled. “I’m not alone. I have me friends nearby, and, just like you, I still have your mammy with me.”
“I just . . . I’m so scared. Southwold has been my life for so long.”
“Are you scared everything will change again if you leave?”
Wordlessly, I bobbed my head.
“I understand.” Michael’s thumb brushed over my knuckles. “Ye’ve been here for so long because of your mam. Ye’ve dedicated the last nine years of your life to her, but now, kid, it’s time for ye to live your life for you.”
I processed his words.
“And don’t be scared about not comin’ back,” he said. “Like ye said, ye’ll be here the majority of each year, other times will be like a holiday for you. Ye couldn’t stay away from Southwold even if ye tried and ye know it.”
Surprised laughter bubbled up my throat as tears slipped from my eyes. Michael smiled, then pulled me into his embrace. I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could and he returned it tenfold.
“I love you,” I told him. “You know that, don’t you?”
“I do.” He kissed my head. “And ye know I love you, right?”
“Right.”
I left Michael’s home feeling lighter and happier than I had in a very long time. I walked back in the direction of the pier and texted Risk where I was going. He went to Mary Well’s for food with the guys while I went to speak with Michael. I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to walk and breathe . . . I hadn’t been able to breathe this easily for as long as I could remember. When I once again reached my favourite point on the pier, it was dark out. The lights of the pier and shine of the lighthouse burning bright.
My phone pinged.
Risk: When I first came back to Southwold, I began writing a song that was, surprise, about you. I wrote different parts of it when I felt different things. When I was dreading seeing you again, when I was elated to have you as mine for a little while then when I was broken after things ended between us at Wembley and on the pier. I want this song to be the last one I ever write about you that had doubt in it, that has ‘should haves, would haves’ buried in it. I need to close the chapter on my life that had longing and indecisiveness about you. I only want to look to the future knowing that I’ll always see myself by your side and you by mine.
I wrote this for you.
You are the echoes of the heart for me.
You are my Never Enough.
I love you, Cherry.
I clicked into the MP3 link that was attached to the message and with shaking hands, I grabbed my earphones and plugged the pods into my ears. I clicked play, closed my eyes, and the guitar riffs and the beat of the drums surrounded me before Risk’s voice did.
I can’t get enough of your green eyes,
Your soft skin, your sweet smile.
You make my life so much better,
Just by being there, you’re my healer.
My protector, my lover, you know me like no other.
Then a storm rolls in, and you switch it up,
Just to suit when you really give a fuck.
I love you, I show it, you use it against me, and you know it.
I hate you, I don’t need you,
Those are white lies, I can’t breathe without you.
I walk in and you walk out,
You left me, what’s that about?
I begged you, I pleaded,
I laid it all on the line, you wouldn’t believe me.
Would’ve given my life for yours, no thinking necessary,
Would you have done the same for me, my pretty cherry?
But no matter what’s been said or done,
You’ll always be my never enough.
My never enough.
My never enough.
You’ll always be my never enough.
I should’ve told you that, when you trusted me,
When you looked at me, and saw the real me.
I wish everything turned out different,
I wish you had my last name, my children.
You ripped me apart, I came undone,
But if you called me now, you know I’d run.
This happened for a reason, that’s what you told me,
But I can’t justify this, it burns a hole in me.
I miss your red hair, your gentle laugh,
Your hell cat ways, the way you’ve got my back.
I know I fucked it up, but baby you did too,
We’re a match made in hell, I’m meant for you.
Maybe it’s too late, you’ve probably moved on,
But this is one song, I want your view on.
’Cause no matter what’s been said or done,
You’ll always be my never enough.
My never enough.
My never enough.
You’ll always be my never enough.
You’ll always be my never enough.
My never enough.
My never enough.
You’ll always be my never enough.
You’ll always be my never enough.
My never enough.
My never enough.
You’ll always be my never enough.
Tears fell from my eyes. I listened to the song from start to finish eight more times. I sobbed through each replaying. We had been through so much, so much necessary hurt, so much unnecessary hurt but it all brought us to right now. We had done what I always prayed for. We worked through our problems, we didn’t give up and we finally made it to the other side and we were stronger because of it. I lifted my hands, wiped my cheeks then took out my phone.
Frankie: You’re my never enough, too, rock star. You’re my always and forever.
I looked from my phone to the ocean and when I inhaled a breath, I felt like I could do anything. It felt good, really good. I looked down at my phone when it vibrated in my hand.
Risk: You like it?
Frankie: I love it. I’m honestly speechless. I don’t know what to say.
Risk: That’d be a first, I’ve a phone full of messages from you. You type essays.
Frankie: Smartarse.
Risk: A smartarse you’re marrying.
Frankie: Too bloody right I am. I can’t believe you’re going to be my husband, I want to kiss you so bad. Where are you?
Risk: About ten or so metres away from you.
Frankie: It’s going to be so creepy if I turn around and you’re there.
Risk: I was going for romantic.
Frankie: I can’t move.
Risk: I can.
I had just put my phone back into my dress pocket when arms came around my waist, settled on my stomach and a hard body pressed against my back, moulding itself to me.
“I should let you know, sir.” I leaned my head back. “My fiancée is pretty protective of me, he’d kick your arse for touching me. Maybe you should leave me alone.”
“Or maybe he’ll let me show his lady a good time at the end of the pier?”
I laughed and whacked Risk’s hip, making him chuckle as he kissed my head.
“‘Never Enough’ is beautiful,” I said. “It had everything in it. Our hurt, our anger, our confusion but most of all our love. I heard you. I love it, Risk. I love it. I love you, honey.”
He turned me to face him. His hands moved to my face.
“I’m marrying you,” he said, not able to hide his smile. “We’re having a baby. This is the life I’ve always wanted, Frankie. Making music with Blood Oath and having you by my side with our little family in tow. I know you always thought Blood Oath was my sole dream, but it’s not. This is my dream. You, me, our family, music, the guys, the band. All of it. I have my dream now.”