Britches Get Stitches

by Elicia Hyder

  “It’s fine. I can open that one with the code. Good grief, why didn’t I get a coat?”

  “Or your keys.”

  I shoved his arm.

  “Think we can jimmy the other lock with a credit card?” he asked.

  I blinked. “Breaking and entering advice from the police?”

  “It’s worth a try.”

  “My dad installed one of those you can’t easily open.”

  “Does Clay have a key? Should I call him?”

  “Hell no! I’d rather lose my face to frostbite and die of hypothermia.”

  He chuckled and unclipped his phone from his utility belt. “How about a locksmith?”

  “If I can borrow your phone, I’ll call my dad. He can be here in about five minutes without traffic.” Jason handed me the phone as Bodhi dragged me around the side of the building to the only patch of grass in three blocks. I dialed my parents’ house phone. They’d had the same phone number as long as I could remember.

  Confused and groggy, Mom answered after a few rings. “Hello?”

  “Mom, it’s Grace.”

  “Grace, honey, is everything OK?”

  “Yes, I’m fine. Just stupid. I’m sorry to wake you, but I’ve locked myself out of my apartment. Think Dad could come let me in?”

  The speaker crackled with static as Mom obviously held her hand over the microphone. After that, her voice sounded a lot like the teacher from a Peanuts cartoon. I couldn’t understand her. “Wah wah, wah wah wah. Wah, wah wah wah. Wah wah.”

  Bodhi squatted, and his paws teetered as he pooped beside the fire hydrant. I grimaced toward Jason, who was now leaning against his patrol car, watching with amusement. “I don’t have any bags. Are you going to arrest me if I don’t pick that up?”

  He grinned wider. “I’m considering it.”

  “Who are you talking to?” my mother asked in my ear.

  “Jason Bradley.”

  “Who?”

  “He’s a police officer.”

  “A police officer?” Her voice jumped up an octave.

  “Calm down. He’s here to help. And he’s an old friend from college. I’m safe and, so far, not under arrest.”

  Jason laughed.

  Mom sighed with relief. “Thank God. Your father’s getting dressed. He’ll be there soon.”

  “Thanks, Mom. Sorry again for waking you up.”

  “It’s OK, honey. Accidents happen. How did you lock yourself out in the middle of the night?”

  “Bodhi needed to go out, and I shut the door behind me without grabbing my keys.” I left out the part about how I’d stolen my dog and we were awakened by the police. “Try to go back to sleep, Mom. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “All right. I love you, Grace.”

  “I love you too.” I disconnected the call about the time Bodhi was wiping his paws on the grass. “Dad’s coming.” Bodhi and I walked back to the sidewalk in front of my building.

  Jason motioned me over. “Come on. My car’s warm,” he said as I handed him his phone.

  “That’s OK. I don’t want to leave Bodhi out in the cold.”

  Jason opened the back door of the cruiser. “Then I guess I’ll have to detain him for defecating in public.” He clicked his tongue. “Come on, Bodhi.”

  I released the leash, and my dog happily bounded into the back seat of the car. When he closed the door, I laughed, looking at my dog under arrest. “I wish I had my phone. That deserves a picture.”

  “I’ve got this.” He tapped his phone’s screen a few times and snapped a picture just as Bodhi licked the back window. Jason turned the screen around to show me the image. It was hilarious. “I’ll send it to you. What’s your phone number?”

  I rattled off the digits, and he tapped them into his phone. When he finished sending the picture, he walked around and opened the passenger-side door. I followed. He leaned inside, pushed a mounted laptop out of the way, and picked up the Red Bull cans from the seat. “Sorry it’s kind of a mess.”

  “It’s perfect. Thank you,” I said, sitting down.

  He closed the door and walked around to get in behind the wheel. When he closed the door behind him, he slid open the window in the safety glass that barricaded the back seat. Bodhi immediately stuck his wet snout through it.

  “I’m sorry. Again. You must think I’m totally ridiculous. What kind of idiot locks themself out on the street?”

  “I’ve seen worse. Got a call once about a girl who’d locked herself out on her apartment’s balcony wearing only a towel. It was snowing.”

  “Why was she in a towel?”

  “I think she was getting out of the shower when her phone rang. She didn’t have good cell service in her apartment and went outside to answer it.”

  I laughed as I looked around the car. There were more buttons and gadgets than I could count. “This is like being inside a spaceship. I wish you could turn on the lights and siren.”

  “I don’t think the neighbors would appreciate that. You’ve never been inside a patrol car before?”

  “Never. I haven’t exactly lived a life of crime. I’ve never even had a speeding ticket.”

  He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “What about Bodhi? How’s his criminal record these days?”

  Bodhi licked the side of Jason’s face.

  I laughed. “I almost forgot about that? Did Clay tell you?”

  “Yeah. He dug up a flower bed, right?”

  “Mrs. Livingston’s begonias next door. Twelve plants. He was covered in all sorts of evidence. Flower petals and dirt all over his face and paws.”

  “She really called the cops?”

  I nodded. “To be fair, it wasn’t the first time he’d done it. We put up a privacy fence after that. How’s Brady?”

  His face fell. “I had to put him down in the spring. He had lymphoma, and treatment didn’t work.”

  “Jason, I had no idea.”

  “You guys have had a lot going on this year.”

  “Does Clay know?”

  He laughed, but there was no joy in it. “Honestly, I have no idea. I told him, but I think it went right over his head.”

  If Brady had died in the spring, Clay would have been very preoccupied.

  “I’m really sorry. Brady was the best dog ever.”

  He looked out his side window. “Yeah. What about you? How’s the shop?”

  “It’s frilly.”

  “Looks like it. Lots of ribbons and shit, from the looks of it. Is it going well?”

  My head bobbed from side to side. “It’s still open, which some days is quite the miracle. I’m hoping it picks up around the holidays.”

  “You make all that stuff yourself?”

  “A lot of it. The dresses for sure.”

  “Do you enjoy it?”

  I sighed. “I enjoy the process. Not so much the product anymore.”

  Jason didn’t comment. He didn’t have to. I was sure he was well-aware of my struggle to conceive.

  “Ever think of making other stuff? Everybody needs clothes, not just kids, right?”

  “I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know what I’d do. And I’ve invested so much to make this place what it is, it’d be really expensive to change it.”

  “I hear ya. I just remodeled my house. It was crazy expensive.”

  “Are you still in Crieve Hall?”

  “Yep. Still taking care of Mom.”

  “How is she?”

  He shrugged. “Same old, same old.”

  Our senior year of college, Jason’s mother had been beaten almost to death by his stepfather. We’d all known there had been abuse, but not that it was so severe until that night.

  His mother was in a coma for three weeks and was completely unresponsive for over two months. Her head had been bashed repeatedly into the family’s stone fireplace. She would never regain the ability to walk or fully speak. And as far as I knew, his stepdad was still in prison for attempted murder.

  Jason had given u
p a baseball scholarship to drop out and take care of her full-time. He became a police officer instead of pursuing a very real shot at the major league. It was hard to believe that was a decade ago.

  “How long has it been since you’ve talked to Clay?” I asked.

  He thought for a moment. “Before tonight, he texted me to let me know about the divorce when he first filed. I offered to take him out for a beer and never heard back.”

  “Typical.”

  Again, Jason kept his mouth shut.

  “Did you know?”

  He shook his head. “I kinda suspected something might be up, but he denied it when I asked. Then it blew up really quickly after that. I don’t think they were together together for very long before you found out.”

  “He says they weren’t, but he says a lot of things.”

  “If I had known, I would’ve told you.”

  Sure, he would’ve. I was internally rolling my eyes.

  “What else have you been up to?” He was obviously ready to steer the conversation away from his best friend. Bros before hoes, and all that.

  “I play roller derby now,” I said.

  He turned toward me in his seat. “No shit?”

  I nodded. “For the Music City Rollers. Have you heard of them?”

  “I’ve worked security at a few of their games. Those chicks are intense. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

  “Me either. A lot has changed over the years.”

  “You can say that again.”

  We exchanged gossip on all the mutual people we’d known over the years until Jason’s eye darted to the rearview mirror. “There’s a truck pulling up behind me. Your dad?”

  I turned in my seat to look just as my father shut off his headlights. “Yeah, that’s him.”

  Dad was dressed in blue striped pajama pants, loafer shoes, and a winter coat when I met him on the curb. Jason opened the back door and grabbed Bodhi’s leash before he jumped out.

  “Thanks, Daddy.”

  “Are you OK?” he asked, looking at the police cruiser.

  “I’m fine. You remember Clay’s friend, Jason Bradley, right? He was in our wedding.”

  Dad stretched out his hand toward Jason. “Of course. Good to see you again, Officer Bradley.”

  Jason smiled at me as he shook it. “You too, sir.”

  “Are you on duty tonight?” Dad asked.

  “Yes, sir. I was in the area when Grace locked herself outside.”

  Dad’s eyes narrowed. He obviously wasn’t buying the story. “Well, she’s very fortunate you were here.”

  Jason handed me Bodhi’s leash.

  “Grace, what’s Bodhi doing here?” Dad asked.

  Jason and I exchanged a glance. “He’s just visiting. Clay’s coming to pick him up tomorrow.”

  “Today,” Jason said, looking down at his tactical watch.

  Dad cocked an eyebrow. “Grace, did you steal the dog?”

  I didn’t answer.

  Dad sighed and shook his head. “Thanks for not hauling her off to the slammer, officer.”

  Jason chuckled. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  With a yawn, Dad turned and walked to the door. “Is it the inside or outside door you’re locked out of?”

  “Inside.”

  “All right. Thanks again, Jason.”

  “You’re welcome, sir.”

  When Dad had gone inside, I smiled up at Jason. “Again, I’m really sorry you got dragged into this.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll check in with you tomorrow.”

  “That’s really not necessary. I’ve inconvenienced you enough.”

  “It’s no trouble. I can even come in the morning for the exchange if you’re at all worried about it.”

  “I’m not afraid of Clay. It’ll be fine. Unless you feel like just arresting him for being a total assworm.”

  Jason laughed. “I wonder what the ten code for that would be.” He bent and scratched Bodhi behind the ears. “It’s good to see you again, Bodhi.”

  It was evident from the tail wagging that the feeling was mutual.

  Jason straightened and opened his arms for a hug. I stepped into the embrace and awkwardly smushed myself against his body armor. “Take care of yourself, Grace.”

  “You too, Jason. Tell your mother I said hello.”

  “Will do.”

  I stepped back but not before noting that he smelled like alpine aftershave and peppermint.

  He waved before turning back to his patrol car. I stood there with Bodhi until he pulled away from the curb. And as he did, Jason flipped on the flashing blue lights.

  I smiled.

  ENNNGGGG! ENNNGGGG! ENNNGGGGGGGGGG!

  The front-door buzzer was like a warning bell just a few short hours later, but it was worth it though to wake up with Bodhi’s wet nose on the pillow beside me. For the first time in months, I hadn’t slept alone. And it was glorious.

  Bodhi started to spring from the bed, but I rolled over and curled my arm around his fluffy neck. He whimpered and wriggled, wanting desperately to run to the door.

  ENNNGGGG! ENNNGGGG!

  With a groan, I released my dog and he bounded off the bed.

  Clay banged on the door downstairs.

  I took my sweet time. Brushed my teeth. Pulled my hair up in a pile on top of my head. Put on a bra. Then I started a cup of coffee in the Keurig before inching my way to the intercom on the wall.

  My finger was almost on the buzzer to let Clay into the building when he yelled outside. “Grace, open the door!”

  Hmm. I turned and walked back to my bedroom where I carefully, and slowly, chose a Music City Rollers hoodie to put over my tank top. My cellphone was ringing on my nightstand, and his hateful voice was echoing off the brick outside.

  “Grace! I know you’re in there! Your car’s in the lot!”

  I finally walked back to the call box and pressed the button. “Hello? May I help you?”

  “Let me in the damn building!”

  “Who is this?”

  Clay swore.

  I laughed and pressed the button to release the lock on the front door. His angry feet pounded up the stairs to my apartment. When I finally opened the door, Clay was red faced from the cold and probably his fury. He was wearing the gray peacoat I’d bought him for Christmas and the shoes I’d gotten on sale at Off Broadway. His dirty blond hair needed to be cut and was beginning to curl around his collar.

  “Good morning, douchewaffle.” Bodhi darted between my legs and the door and pummeled Clay’s chest with both paws.

  He pushed our dog down without so much as a hello. “Ginny said I should’ve called the police and let them deal with this.”

  I shrugged. “You did call the police.”

  “I could have had Jason arrest you.”

  “You should have. I’d much rather be in jail than looking at your stupid face right now.”

  “I mean it, Grace.”

  “Trust me, I do too.” I leaned against the door. “Tell me, Clayton, how long did it take you to realize he wasn’t home? We were gone for hours before you started calling.”

  He snapped a leash onto Bodhi’s collar. “I was trying to calm down before I decided how to handle it. So you’re welcome.”

  “How did you know he didn’t run away? Or that he wasn’t dognapped?”

  Clay’s hazel eyes narrowed, and an angry vein throbbed in his forehead. “Really? A dognapper who takes his food bowl and his rubber chicken?”

  “Yes. You couldn’t have been sure.”

  “Shut up, Grace.”

  I stormed out of the apartment with my finger aimed right at his eyeballs. “Tell me to shut up one more time.”

  He caught my wrist. “If you pull this dognapping shit again, I’m going to press charges. Do you understand?”

  I wanted to punch him. It would feel so good to slam my fist into his infuriatingly handsome face. Mess it all up for the home wrecker no doubt asleep in my egg-infested bed.
>
  “Say goodbye to Grace, Bodhi.”

  With a huff, I took a knee beside my dog. I hugged his neck and kissed his scruffy face. “It’s OK if you pee on their stuff when they’re at work,” I whispered loud enough for Clay to hear as I scratched behind both of Bodhi’s ears one more time. “I love you.”

  Clay tugged the leash toward the stairs. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

  “You need to get his stuff!”

  “I’ll buy new stuff.”

  “At least take his chicken—”

  “Goodbye, Grace.”

  I glared at his back, then slammed the door. “I hope we’re doing hits at practice today.”

  Three

  “I’m judging from your glower that the exchange with Clayton didn’t go so well this morning.” Monica was approaching my car when I got out at roller derby practice later that morning.

  “He actually called the police on me.”

  Her eyes doubled. “Really?”

  “Yeah, but it was a friend of ours we’ve known for years. He just told me to give the dog back this morning. It was so worth it though.” I opened the trunk and lifted out the heavy skates’ bag before slamming the trunk’s lid with a little more force than necessary. “Clay was such an ass this morning. I thought about hip checking him right off the staircase.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I sighed and fell into step beside her as we crossed the parking lot to the Music City Rollers’ Sweatshop, the practice space for our team. “I wish someone had told me all those months ago to prepare for the waves that come with a divorce. Just when you think you’re over it, you sign the papers and get sucked into the undertow all over again.”

  She linked her arm through mine. “I’m here for whatever you need.”

  I smiled at her. “On a brighter note, look at this.” I pulled out my phone and showed her the picture Jason took of Bodhi in the back seat of his car.

  Her head fell to the side. “Why is the dog under arrest?”

  “Pooping in public.”

  “What?”

  “It was a joke. I actually locked myself out of my apartment, and Jason let us wait for my dad in his car.”

  “Who’s Jason?”

  “Our friend, the cop. Really nice guy.”