“This is insane,” I said with a sigh.
“I know right?” he said with a grin. “I gotta go Sam. I’ve got golf in ten minutes.”
“Yeah, alright. Talk to you later.”
“And Sam,” he said, looking directly at the camera that was likely attached to a hovering little drone.
“Yeah?”
“Way to go buddy.”
I swiped his icon to the side angrily and glanced at a sympathetic looking Nanaya.
“Let’s go get a fucking drink,” I said and started toward the city proper.
“Oh, can we get one of those ‘It’s a Boy’ cigars?” She giggled at her own joke, and I offered her a scowl.
“Don’t start,” I warned.
We found the guild sitting in our usual booth at Cecilia’s place, and I accepted a tankard of IPA from Tweak with a grunt.
“What is she doing here?” Trinity asked, blocking me and the chair that I was pulling over for Nanaya.
“It’s a long story,” I mumbled.
“I’m here to help you bitches win the Guild Wars,” said Nanaya, before altering her appearance to look just like Trinity.
“I told you I don’t like it when you do that,” said the warrior, backing away from her doppelganger.
“I told you I don’t like it when you do that,” the succubus mocked in a perfect impersonation of Trinity’s voice and mannerisms.
Trinity unsheathed her enchanted blade, and Nanaya unsheathed an identical sword. All of my guild mates had one, having been gifted them by none other than Megulla herself. By now the entire bar was watching the exchange with a mix of confusion and intrigue, and I knew that if I didn’t step in, the girls would probably try to kill each other.
“Hey, ladies, no fighting in Aeorock. It’s neutral ground.”
“I don’t give a shit,” said Trinity. “I’m sick of this bitch.”
“Get over yourself,” said Nanaya.
Just then a group of about twenty huge orcs pushed through the crowd led by a tall warlock wearing black dragonhide robes. I knew the guild from studying the Guild Wars competition bracket. They were the Orc Chieftains, one of the highest rated guilds around. Their leader, who went by the name Bogrum, glanced at me, then at the two Trinity’s, and finally looked to the crowd.
“Looks like Polly Anna and his guild Heavy Metal Blunder are even practicing PVP in their off time,” Bogrum said with a laugh, and his guildmates joined in a little too enthusiastically. Some in the crowd laughed as well.
The two Trinity’s turned to Bogrum, and said in unison, “Go fuck yourself!” Then glanced at each other with surprised smiles.
“I heard about your guild getting dumped by Horizon Corp,” said Bogrum with a grin that showed off his large tusks. “And all the while I thought that you were the corporation’s golden boy.”
“I guess not,” I told him with a shrug. I wasn’t in the mood for his schoolyard bully bullshit.
“Going to hide behind your girls?” Bogrum teased. “Or your purple monkey boyfriend?”
I turned around and found that the Orc Chieftains had fanned out and were basically blocking us into the corner that our booth was in. The other patrons watched on with anticipation.
I was going to just buy Bogrum and his guild a drink and hope that made the dude more civil, but I didn’t get a chance before Nanaya stepped forward and changed into Bogrum’s form.
“Take a walk, Boggy, before I show everyone why you’re such an angry asshole,” she said in his voice.
He dismissed her with a wave. “Piss off bitch. I was talking to Polly Anna.”
“Have it your way,” said Nanaya. She climbed up on our table and spread her green arms wide. “You all want to know why Bogrum is such a little prick?”
“Yeah!” the women in my guild cheered. Half the crowd copied them.
I glanced at Bogrum and shrugged when he scowled at me questioningly.
“Because he’s got a tiny little dick!” Nanaya yelled in Bogrum’s voice. Then she yanked open her matching robes, and everyone laughed when they saw the little micro-penis, which was presumably the same size as the orc chieftain’s.
The real Bogrum’s green face grew dark and menacing, and he raised his gnarled staff into the air. He snarled a string of spell words, and a black, snaking spell shot out of the end of his staff and hit Nanaya in the chest. She flew backward, smashed through the window, and landed amidst a surprised crowd.
Rage surged in me and I retaliated with an uppercut that took him in the chin and snapped his head back. Tweak flew over me and collided with three of the orcs, and all hell broke loose. Spells flew in every direction as Bogrum slammed into me, and I managed to twist and redirect his momentum, sending him careening into the wall beside the booth. Arms wrapped around my neck from behind, but then my assailant let out a cry of alarm as Ember appeared next to me and stabbed him in the ribs.
I conjured a fireball and shot it at Bogrum, but he too had fired a spell, and they collided between us in a shower of sparks. The orc chieftain came leaping through the explosion and landed a big right hook to the side of my head. Luckily my enchanted armor took the brunt of the blow, but it was still disorienting as all hell. The next thing I knew, Bogrum was on top of me raining down hammer fists, but I managed to go through the hand gestures to produce a Magic Bolt that exploded between us and blasted him into the ceiling. I rolled away as he fell and came up on my feet, and that’s when the entire pub went silent.
Someone had cast a spell on me that left me frozen like a statue. My eyes still moved, however, and I realized that everyone in the pub was frozen stiff.
“Alright, you’ve had your fun,” came a gruff voice with a Scottish accent. “Maybe after a few days in jail ye’ll understand what neutral ground means!”
About a hundred dwarven NPC guards rushed into the room and cuffed us all, and Bogrum glared at me as he was dragged out of the pub by four strong dwarves.
“This isn’t over, Polly Anna,” said the orc chieftain. “Not by a longshot!”
Chapter 5
“Well this is just fucking great,” I said as I paced the cell and glared at Nanaya. “You couldn’t just leave it alone, could you?”
“I told you that girl ain’t nothin’ but trouble,” said Tweak, and Trinity high-fived him.
“What’s the big deal?” the succubus asked. “So we got in a little brawl in Aeorock, whoopty fucking do.”
“Our first guild war is in three days,” said Anna, “and we need to practice. But thanks to you, we’re going to be in here for twenty-four hours.”
“Who the hell asked you to come back anyway?” Trinity asked Nanaya. “Don’t you have any shame?”
“You sold us out to Kincaid in the Underworld,” Kit added. “And you just waltz back into our lives like nothing happened.”
“Trust me,” said Nanaya. “I’d still be in the Underworld if Megulla and her army of demon children hadn’t taken over the 7th level and dethroned my ass.”
“Demon children?” said Ember, cocking an eyebrow my way.
“Oh yeah, didn’t he tell you?” said Nanaya. “Sam’s the proud father of about a thousand demons.”
“What?” Trinity sat up on the cot she had been lounging on and looked to me with confusion. “How is that even possible.”
“It was announced that NPC’s can get pregnant by players in the last update,” said Kit.
“Oh shit!” said Tweak.
“Oh shit is right,” I said with a sigh.
“This is really screwed up,” Ember said in disgust. “I can’t believe you had kids with a demon.”
“It’s not like I did it on purpose,” I said. “I mean come on, it’s not like they’re really my children. We’re in a virtual reality game for Christ’s sake.”
“Whatever,” said Ember. “I’ve got better shit to do. See you tomorrow.”
With that she tapped her interface a few times and then began to fade until she had vanished completely.
“I’ve got to log off too,” said Trinity. “Some shit I’ve got to deal with in the real world.”
“Come on,” I said as Trinity vanished. “You guys can’t really be mad at me about this.”
“I don’t know whether to be mad, sad, or just plain disgusted, Sam,” Anna told me. Then she too logged off.
“You’re our Big Daddy,” Kit told me. “Of course we’re angry that you have kids with someone else.”
“It’s not real!” I reminded her, perhaps a bit too angrily.
“It’s real for us, Sam. It’s real for us,” Kit said with a bowed head.
“Kit…” I began, but then she disappeared as well. I turned to Cecilia. “I suppose you’re pissed too.”
“I couldn’t give less of a shit, Sam. But I’m a business woman, and I don’t have time to sit around in a cell with you for 24 hours. Not while the stock market is still open. See you tomorrow babe.”
I watched her disappear and stood there staring at the cots that they had been sitting on.
“I guess it’s just you and me,” Nanaya told me with a sigh.
“Uh, I’m still here,” Tweak informed her.
“This fucking day just keeps getting better,” I said and plopped down on an empty cot. “First, I find out that I can’t get the surgery to repair my spinal cord, next I find out that I’ve lost a multi-million-dollar marketing deal with Horizon Corporation, and to top it all off, I’m now the father of a thousand bouncing baby demons!”
In my anger, I instinctively made the hand gestures to conjure a Fireball, but due to the anti-magic forcefield surrounding the cell, nothing happened. But that didn’t stop me from completely losing my shit and trying to cast the spell about a dozen times in five seconds, which must have left me looking like I was cursing someone out in sign language.
“Would you please stop doing that?” Nanaya asked as she lay on the cot rubbing her temples.
“You losing your shit bro?” Tweak asked, his ape face full of sincere concern.
Since I couldn’t cast any spells, I kicked the glowing bars instead.
And that ended up being a really bad idea.
As soon as my foot connected with the glowing bars an electrical charge surged through me and my boot exploded. The next thing I knew I was lying on a cot with Nanaya and Tweak looking down at me.
“What happened?” I asked, noticing the smoke slowly wafting up from my robes.
“You were just losing your shit,” said Tweak. He grinned and held up my destroyed leather boot. “You tried to take on enchanted prison bars.”
I sat up and tried to clear my head. My foot was throbbing from the electric shock, and the stink of burnt leather was making me nauseous. I was still pissed about being thrown in jail, but the incident with the enchanted cell bars had taken the bluster out of my sails.
“Listen bro,” said Tweak. “I’ve got some shit to take care of in the real world too. But I’ll be back in time for training tomorrow.”
“Yeah, man, no problem,” I told him, and once he had disappeared, Nanaya glanced at me with a wry grin.
“I’ve seen that look before,” I said with a laugh.
“Looks like we’ve got some time to kill,” she said seductively, but then realization sparked, and she frowned. “Shit, your cooldown.”
“Sorry babe,” I said as I tapped on my interface. “I’ve got eleven hours left until the magic stick works.”
“That’s so dumb,” she pouted.
“Tell me about Megulla’s children,” I said. “Do they really look like me?”
“I mean, yeah, aside from being winged, horned, golden demons. They’re all like twins or something. All male. They’ve got your eyes, your hair color, and your devilish good looks.” She was trying to take the edge off with her levity, but it wasn’t working.
I didn’t have any children in the real world. I had never wanted any, not at my age. There had been a few girls that I might have wanted to have kids with. But I was still in my early twenties, and I had barely begun to figure out my own life let alone be responsible for someone else’s. Now I had 1,000 demon kids, and by the sound of it they were already full grown.
“Nanaya, what made them so powerful anyway. I mean, you had the 7th level Underworld army at your command.”
She bit her lip and offered me a sympathetic look. “Well, they inherited your abilities too. They could cast Fireballs, Scorched Earth, Arcane Lightning, and what’s that other one?”
“Magic Bolt?”
“Yeah, that’s it. But that’s not all.”
“Don’t even tell me that they can level through sex,” I said as I rubbed my temples.
“It seems so. They must have only been a few days old, but they were already like level 50.”
“Great…” I stood up and began pacing around the cell. I didn’t want to believe it, but the news that they possessed not only my mage abilities, but also my special ability, left no room for doubt.
“It’s not really that big of a deal, is it?” Nanaya asked.
“Not a big deal? When I was in the Underworld, the cooldown on my special ability disappeared. My interface said it was some kind of Underworld bonus. You said that they were already level 50. Without a cooldown, they’ll hit like level 1,000 in a few days at the pace they seem to be going.”
“So?”
“So?” I said with disbelief. “They’re going to become the most powerful beings in the game. I mean, there’s no friggin level cap. What’s to stop them from hitting like level one million in a year and totally invading the surface world?”
“Well,” she said thoughtfully. “Maybe if we get them to the surface world, they’ll have a cooldown. That would slow them down.”
“Are you nuts? We can’t bring them to the surface, they’ll wreak havoc.”
“Yeah but what if you can control them? You are their father after all.”
I imagined commanding such an army. With 1,000 demon children at my beck and call, I could conquer any land that I wanted in Rebirth Online. I could become the most powerful player in the world.
“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head. “It’s not like Megulla is going to hand over her army. But this could get out of hand pretty quick at the rate they’re leveling. Maybe the programmers will step in and do something. I mean it was their brilliant idea to let players have kids with NPC’s.”
Nanaya shrugged. “I doubt that they’ll delete them. NPC’s think they’re real. It would be like murder.”
“Are you serious?”
“Sam, can you really tell me that you would want your NPC kids to be deleted, to be killed?”
“I…I don’t know,” I said. My head was throbbing from the electrocution and the impossible scenario that I was contemplating. Rebirth Online was supposed to be fun. But it had been a big pain in the ass from the beginning. All I wanted to do was play the game, raid dungeons, grow my guild, blow shit up, but so far my gaming experience had been anything but simple and fun.
“I think that it’s a waste not to try and use them,” Nanaya said. “And you said it yourself, maybe if they’re on the surface, they’ll get a cooldown.”
“I need to talk to Megulla,” I admitted. I knew that it was crazy, but I felt guilty for not having been around when they were born.
“I can help you with that once we get out of here,” Nanaya offered with a smile. “I believe that I can contact her through Frig.”
“Oh yeah, where is that little shit anyway?”
“He’s Megulla’s jester now. The bitch even stole my sidekick.”
“I’m sorry, Nanaya. I feel like this is partially my fault.”
“She kidnapped you Sam. Then she basically raped you to get your digital seed.”
“I wouldn’t exactly call it rape,” I told her. “I was pretty willing.”
“Yeah well she knew what she was doing. She got pregnant by you on purpose.”
“Maybe I can sue for visitation rights,” I said st
raight-faced as she stared at me blankly, then we both burst out laughing.
“Maybe you can get custody if you prove that she’s an unfit mother,” Nanaya said through fits of laughter.
I was practically rolling on the floor after that one, and by the time we finally settled down my cheeks were cramped from laughing.
“I’m glad at least you didn’t leave me here to rot,” I told the beautiful succubus.
“They’re just upset,” she said reassuringly. “And if you ask me, they’re being a little selfish. I mean, you just found out that you can’t get the surgery you need, AND you lost a big marketing deal with—”
“That’s it!” I shot to my feet and began pacing again.
“What’s what?” she asked.
I tapped on my emergency medical contact tab and chose Dr. Marks. I half expected him to not answer, but the video feed opened up on the third ring.
“What’s up Sam?” he said glancing at the camera. He did a double take and looked closer. “Are you in jail again?”
“Did corporate drop my guild from the marketing deal because I’ve got 1,000 demon kids?” I blurted.
He turned from whatever he had been doing on his computer and furled his brow. “It’s complicated.”
“I knew it!” I yelled. “What the fuck doc? You guys made it possible for players to have children with NPC’s in game, and then you penalize me when it happens to me?”
“I’m sorry Sam. But I didn’t have anything to do with the decision to let players have kids with NPCs, and I didn’t have anything to do with the decision to drop your guild. Corporate does what corporate wants to do.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” I said vehemently.
“Sam,” he said with a deep sigh. “I’m not your personal tech support guy. I’m your doctor. You’ve got to stop expecting me to fix every problem you have.”
“I expect you to solve my problems?” I said with mirth-filled irony. “I’ve saved corporate’s ass more than once, and this is the fucking thanks that I get?”
“I’ve got to go, Sam. Try and enjoy the game…”
“Marks? Doctor!” I screamed at the interface video feed as it went black. “Fuck!”
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