“I love you,” she continued. “I’m totally and completely in love with you. I know you’ve had a rough year, but if I learned anything from attending Joe’s celebration of life, it was that if I feel something I should say it. Before it’s too late. You want to live in the moment, Brannon. So do I.” She rested her hand over his and the watch and smiled. “This moment is real. It’s happening. What we have is bigger than sleepovers and shared Pestle & Pepper. And by the way, can we go there for dinner because I’m starving?”
Her smile shook, but she glowed with happiness. With surety. She was waiting for his answer.
God. He was being proposed to.
He’d never seen this coming. That explained the tightening of his gut. The feeling that something was lurking just outside of his peripheral vision. He’d been wrong about her thinking of him as a boyfriend. She’d been thinking of him as a husband.
“You seem surprised,” she said because he still hadn’t thought of how to say no.
And he had to say no.
She’d gotten the wrong impression and that was his fault. He’d assumed they were operating with the same game plan, not that she’d gone rogue and created one of her own. The night he’d spent at her house flashed in his mind. Before she’d fallen asleep, she’d kissed him on the side of the mouth, her arm wrapped around his waist, and murmured “goodnight” followed by...
You’re everything.
Which could mean literally anything...except not now. Not with a proposal engraved into the back of his watch. Now it could only mean one thing. He was everything to Addison, and while she was a lot of things to him, he simply couldn’t be everything to anyone.
Trying to be everything had nearly cost him his relationship with his brother. Had left him with one hell of an identity crisis. Had taught him to take life a day at a time without scheduling every one of them in advance.
He’d taken a chance on Addi. He’d been so sure she was on his side. Not on the side of...
God.
Marriage?
He set the watch aside and grasped her hands to help her stand. He couldn’t shoot her down while she was on her knees. He could barely do it now that she was standing, both her hands in his and raw hope in her expression. There wasn’t any way avoiding it, so he’d have to say it. Say the truest, fairest words he could think of and then offer her an escape hatch.
“You weren’t supposed to fall in love with me.”
Confusion crinkled her forehead before a new emotion sent her expression careening in another direction. Fear. Sadness. Maybe a combo of the two.
“I’m so sorry, Addi. I thought we were cool with the way things were. Right now I’m not looking for—”
“Oh, no.” She pulled her hands from his and rested them over her stomach.
“Listen, listen, it’s okay.” He rubbed his palms on her upper arms. “Here, sit in my chair.”
“I can’t sit. I have to leave.”
“You don’t have to leave, Ad.” He wasn’t sure how to fix this. But he had to. He needed her—here at work. And he liked her a whole hell of a lot after work, too. There was no reason to blow up everything they had just because she’d jumped the gun. “We can still go to P&P for dinner. Nothing has to change. This was a misstep, that’s all.” He pointed to the watch. “I’m sure they can remove the engraving.”
“A misstep,” she repeated, not sounding convinced.
“One I’m familiar with. I know how you feel—”
“You have no idea how I feel. Did you hear anything I said to you?”
“I heard every word.” She loved him. It was a gift. But the other thing... The proposal... “But, Addi, I can’t marry anyone right now.”
“Say what you mean, Bran. You can’t marry me.”
He didn’t know if he’d never marry Addison, but well, hell, he didn’t want to plan that far out.
“I’ve been off course for most of the year,” he said, attempting to explain. “Normally, I don’t get wrapped up in the thrill of the chase. I don’t want to win to say I won. And yet, CEO came up for grabs and that’s exactly what I did. Before our trip to Tahoe, I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do that again. Not ever. I’ve been free-falling with you, Addi. It wasn’t about landing you and letting you go. I was the one who asked to extend the trip, remember?”
As her eyes flooded with tears, he realized that this wasn’t mostly his fault. This was one hundred percent his fault. “And then I asked you to continue once we were home.” And then he’d invited her to stay the night again and again. “I didn’t mean for you to take this as me wanting more. I’m sorry.”
His apology lit her temper on fire. Anger reddened her face. “You never wanted more than sex.”
“No!” Hell, that wasn’t what he meant. Not really. “Well, sort of. It sounds bad when you say it.”
“I’ve been in love with you since I started working here,” she snapped, a fat tear perched on the edges of her eyelashes. “I was in the process of trying to fall out of love with you. But you wouldn’t let me compartmentalize after one night in Tahoe. You were the one who wanted more, Bran,” she added quietly. “You might not have made promises with your words, but your body painted a future with me in it. And now you’re telling me I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you? What is it you thought we were doing?”
“I thought I’d finally found someone who understood me.” His voice raised an octave. “I wasn’t promising you anything. I was living my life one day at a time, which, by the way, is the lesson you should have learned from Joe.”
Her head jerked on her neck. A quiet voice warned him not to keep talking. He ignored it.
“If your friend had lived his life to the fullest, he’d have kissed you long and hard, before you knew what was happening. And then you would have told him no and broken his heart. And then—” Bran sighed, hating hurting her. Hating watching that tear tumble out of her eye and knowing there was no way to undo this horrible situation. “You would’ve had to give him a similar speech to the one I’m giving you now.
“You mean a lot to me, Ad. We work together well here and we are incredible at home—at either of our homes. You’re not convenient. You’re not a pastime. I still want you. Just not like this.”
She shook off his hold, grabbed the watch off his desk and dropped it into his mug of coffee with a bloop.
“Fuck you,” she added before rushing out of his office.
Shocked and incensed, he grabbed the coffee mug and followed her. “What did you expect? What?”
Her eyes darted around behind him but he didn’t care who was overhearing him.
“For us to get married and live happily-ever-after?”
“What was your plan? For us to have sex and keep our hearts out of it?” she countered.
“I don’t want a plan.”
She lifted her chin with determination. “No problem. I won’t be here to make any plans for you or with you. I quit.”
She lifted her laptop and dropped it unceremoniously into the trash can next to her desk, then pulled her purse over her shoulder.
“Have fun running ThomKnox without a plan!” she shouted as she stormed by him.
He let her go, growling under his breath and not sure who he was more pissed off with—himself or Addison. Or maybe he could blame Joe. That’d been a good move.
“Dammit, Addi.”
He fished his watch from the coffee and dried it off with his tie. It was waterproof. She should have known that. She should’ve known a lot of things, but she didn’t. He’d talked her out of practical, and apparently had fully won her over to his way of thinking.
Because she was in love with him.
But he wasn’t denying who he was or what he wanted—not again. He’d followed someone else’s dreams before and where had that gotten him?
This wa
s Addi’s dream. She wanted him more than anything, or had before he’d turned her down. He was honored. He was floored. But he couldn’t say yes, even though saying no meant incinerating the best relationship of his life.
He took one last long look at the engraving on his watch before dropping it into the wastebasket on top of Addison’s laptop computer.
If she didn’t understand why he’d said no, or appreciate his honesty, then they were better off apart.
Twenty
Addison inhaled deeply, intent on appreciating the scent of her recent purchase. Nothing smelled as heavenly as “new car.” Unfortunately that scent also reminded her of Bran’s sports car and the trip to Tahoe.
But of course.
She’d spent the weekend car shopping, and while agreeing to a five-year loan wasn’t the most intelligent move now that she was jobless, purchasing the car had made her feel better. Or at least more independent.
Anyway, she wasn’t broke right away. She had a savings account and she’d been in this exact position before. Each time she’d been out of work, she’d found more work. Although she’d given notice at each of those places and in this case, there was no way she could work through a notice. There was no way she could face Brannon Knox again.
She loved him.
He’d used her.
Things hadn’t only ended, they’d ended very badly. There was no recovering from a botched proposal. Apparently, Bran was reserving the love he had to give for a special occasion. And him turning her down had made her feel very unspecial.
Not that it mattered. She was heading to the copy center to print her résumé since she didn’t own a printer. All her personal printing was previously done at work.
Soon she’d have a new job—a different job—and before she accepted the job, she was going to make sure her boss was a curmudgeonly, unattractive old guy with no sense of humor. She wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.
Yeah, right. Because you fall in love with all your bosses...
No. Just one.
One she’d wanted to build a life with. She’d talked herself into proposing, so sure that Bran would realize his dream from earlier in the year was meant to be with Addison instead of Taylor. He’d wanted a family—he’d said so himself. Addi wanted a family. They were compatible. They were right for each other.
But she hadn’t given him a single moment’s warning before she popped the question. What a disaster.
Her cell phone rang from her purse as she pulled onto the highway. Before she could dig through her bag to find it the screen on her dashboard announced the caller’s name: Brannon Knox.
She reached for the Decline button as a car nearly swerved into her. She gripped the wheel, moved safely out of the way...and accidentally hit the green Answer button instead.
Shit, shit, shit!
She tried to find the End Call button in between watching the road but didn’t succeed.
A second later Bran’s voice filled her car. “Addi?”
“Hi. You’re on speakerphone. I don’t know how to operate this thing.”
He offered a dry laugh. “I wondered why you picked up.”
She angled for the next exit with the office supply store logo on the sign.
“It’s Monday. You should be here. I pulled your laptop out of the trash.”
Coming into ThomKnox would only solve one problem. A monetary one.
“I’m not coming back, Brannon.”
“Why not?”
“Are you serious?” How could he ask her that? “Because... I mean. Honestly? I’m humiliated.”
“Yeah, I can relate. I’m also a member of the recently-rejected club.”
“You didn’t propose. And you didn’t love Taylor. She didn’t love you. Your heart wasn’t involved, Bran. You said so yourself.” Their situation was nothing like Bran and Addi’s. Hot tears pooled in her eyes as she pulled into the practically empty parking lot of the office supply store. She parked in the back, her eyes on the big red logo. Maybe they were hiring.
“Marriage is a big step,” was all he said.
“I know that. One you were willing to take in order to land a raise but not when the woman you’re sleeping with professes her feelings for you. I thought you loved me, too. Obviously, or I never would have asked.”
“I know.” He sounded miserable. “I’m sorry for bringing up Joe. I was out of line.”
“I’m sorry I proposed to you,” she said, frustrated by his clinical tone. “It wasn’t appropriate work behavior.”
“Don’t do this, Addison. You have a place here. You belong here. I can’t do this without you.”
She’d thought something similar when she stormed out on Friday. That she couldn’t live without him.
Know what she figured out? She could.
It hurt. It hurt like hell and she was going to love him for a long, long time, but pulling herself up by her proverbial bootstraps was nothing new for her. Her parents’ love came with strings, and she’d done without their manipulation for years.
“You know, I was fine with a one-night stand.” She swiped at the tears running down her cheeks, angry that she was so emotional.
“You were not.”
“Don’t be a pompous ass.”
“You tried to be someone you weren’t,” he argued. “I recognize that quality well. You were trying to pretend you were fine with a one-night stand.”
“And what were you doing?”
“Enjoying myself! What the hell is wrong with everyone? Why can’t we hang out and work together and have amazing sex?” He lowered his voice like someone might overhear. “Listen. This isn’t why I called. I called because I made a mistake.”
Her heart—her stupid heart—leaped with hope.
“Remember when I asked you what you were doing for the Fourth of July? I had a plan in mind, but I talked myself out of it. I didn’t want anyone to pressure us into becoming something we’re not. Come with me to my family’s cookout on Saturday. They’d love to see you and you could use the reminder of why you liked it here. Let’s fix this. You’re an integral part of ThomKnox. I don’t want you to work anywhere else.”
What a profession! He would love for her to come work with him and his family sure liked her, too. Her heart broke into a thousand pieces hearing the impassioned, incredible man she’d fallen for compartmentalize their relationship so thoroughly.
“And then what?” she asked with a sniff. “Am I allowed to kiss you? To come home with you? To sleep with you?”
“There are no rules. We’re taking this a day at a time, not crafting a future everyone else wants. I know why you proposed.”
Because she loved him. Duh.
“You feel alone and unloved,” he answered for her. “You are not alone. You have me, my family. You have your job. You don’t have to orchestrate a wedding to fulfill a need your family failed to supply.”
Her tears dried in the heat of her rage.
“You think this was about me not wanting to be alone?” As she said the words, she only grew angrier. “You think I was filling the hole in my heart with a marriage?”
There was a slight pause before Bran said, “Yeah. I do.”
“I proposed because I’m in love with you. Because I had a glimpse of a future with you in it.” Bran and her and their three children. “You have your head so far up your ass with this ‘live in the now’ credo that you don’t see what’s right in front of you! You said there were no rules, but you lied. I broke a very big one when I asked you for more. I won’t live another moment feeling way too much for someone who gives me so little. Goodbye, Brannon.”
She tapped the End Call button on the screen and stared straight ahead. Outside the window, the giant storefront blurred as she blinked away more tears. They’d probably never end at this rate.
“I
won’t be told how I feel or what I want. Not by anyone,” she said to herself. She refused to feel bad about being transparent. About being herself. She was a treasure. A prize. A goddamn rare find. If he couldn’t see that, then the only mistake she’d made was letting him talk her into bed in the first place.
He wanted to live in the now? Well, he was going to have to live with the consequences of not planning for his future.
As for her, she had her own future to plan for. One without him in it.
She blotted her face with a tissue and pressed on some powder. Before she stepped out of her new car, she smiled at her reflection in the rearview mirror. Not great, but it would do.
She was capable of being everything she needed in life. She’d practiced at it enough. This misstep wouldn’t slow her down.
Heavy, she trudged into the store, her “you go, girl” speech feeling more and more false with every step.
The truth of the matter was, she wasn’t angry at Brannon for not loving her any more than Joe wasn’t angry with her for not loving him. She was angry at herself for not reading the signs, for not proceeding with caution, for not making a plan.
She should have known better.
From now on, she would.
Twenty-One
Brannon’s temporary assistant was sweet, showed up on time and had neat handwriting. She’d also forgotten to remind him about his conference call on Wednesday and he’d missed it. She’d delayed in handing him his messages, and today he’d put off having lunch with an important client until next week to help wade through them.
He missed Addison.
For reasons that far outnumbered professional ones.
“See you, Peg,” he said to his new assistant. She was pulling on a light jacket and waved, her desk cluttered and disorganized.
“See you Monday, Mr. Knox.”
Not a chance.
He’d have to find another temp in the interim. He’d made attempts all week to woo Addi back to work. She must have figured out her Bluetooth because he was unsuccessful reaching her on the phone again. He’d had P&P delivered to her front door, had sent flowers and candy and fruit, every one of them arriving with a version of the same note: Come back to work. We need you.
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