by Lola Gabriel
He had been looking at the countertop the whole time, just trying to get this monologue out, but now he looked up and met Easton’s gaze.
“I just mean, it wasn’t the be all and end all, perfect romance you might assume. And yes, I’m still sad sometimes, but I think there’s someone else… out there for me. I haven’t given up. And the most important thing is Penelope being happy and… and please just tell me about this date so I stop talking!”
Easton could hardly breathe. Her mouth was dry. He was being so vulnerable, and it felt like there was something hanging between them. That energy was back, the electric charge from the other morning. But he’d just been talking about his dead wife. Easton was a monster. She took a sip of wine to dampen her mouth.
“Well,” she said, “he thought it was just so cool that I’m a girl and yet I drink beer. That was the first red flag.”
“Well,” Ash said, “I have a few in the fridge, if you want to impress me.”
Easton laughed, almost giggling, and gently punched his upper arm.
“Shut up,” she said. “You know what’s really impressive? A man who drinks rosé!”
“You think Simon would?” Ash asked. Now Easton practically snorted into her wine glass.
“I do not,” she said. “He gave off strong misogynist vibes. God, he didn’t ask me a single question about myself, and then he basically fat-shamed some woman he’d previously been on a date with. Fat and cat shamed, in fact.”
“Cat shamed?” Ash asked. “I’m intrigued.”
Easton shook her head. God, that date had been beyond absurd.
“Yeah, he said he picked her up and she’d gained twenty pounds since her photos were taken, and her house smelled of cats!”
“He didn’t even meet the cats before he shamed them? That’s such poor form.” Ash refilled their glasses. Easton couldn’t stop grinning; a big, goofy grin.
“Thanks, Ash,” she said.
“What for? The wine?”
“For listening, you dodo. For making me laugh. Believe it or not, that date really upset me. I walked out after one beer, but it just… You know when an interaction just leaves you feeling like maybe you should give up and go and live in a cave? That humanity isn’t worth it? That trying isn’t worth it?” On the counter, their fingers were almost touching. It was filling Easton with nervous energy.
Ash looked down and then up at her again. His curls were a little unkempt, falling across his forehead.
“I do, yeah,” he said. “But you know, Easton, you make me feel the opposite of that. You remind me that there are brilliant people out there. Because you are one, I mean. And you make me laugh, and you love my daughter.”
Easton so wanted to slide her hand a couple of inches over to brush his fingers. She took a steadying breath.
“Thank you. I mean, you make me feel those things, too. I mean, I don’t have a daughter, but you make me feel the rest of those things. I’m not lonely when I’m here, or, I forget that I am. Does that make sense?”
Ash nodded. “It really does.”
Easton was shaking. She had to press her hand down onto the granite to hide it.
“Maybe you should do my swiping for me,” she said in a lame attempt to cut the tension in the room. “You seem perceptive, unlike Hannah.”
Ash smiled. “I could give it a go, I guess. Never used a dating app before. But if I find you the perfect guy, you’ll want to be around him all the time and won’t be lonely enough to stay and drink wine with your boring old boss. I might be tempted to sabotage.”
Easton scoffed. “Are you just fishing for compliments? How much older than me can you be? Six years? Eight? And you know I don’t think you’re boring, I told you!”
Ash shifted in his seat, looking a little uncomfortable. He pulled his hand away from where it had been almost touching hers. So he had been aware of it, too, Easton thought. And now he wanted to make sure nothing untoward happened? Fair enough. She could respect that, as much as her body was screaming for him. Boundaries. Professional boundaries.
Then Ash said, “I guess… I guess I’m older than I look.”
Easton looked at him quizzically, her head turned to the side. “I mean, how old—”
Very suddenly, Ash threw back his wine.
“Well,” he said, “that’s me done for the night, I think.”
“Oh,” Easton said, looking at her half full glass. “I’ll be done in just a minute. I mean, I can let myself out…” Ash had stood up, and he was taking his glass to the sink.
“Sure,” he said, “take your time.” And then he was gone from the room.
Okay. That had been very weird. Was it the obvious tension? It surely couldn’t be her asking his age. What, was he going to admit to being in his mid or late thirties? Did he think she would care?
Easton finished her wine and put her glass in the sink. She snapped off the lights on her way to the door and slipped out quietly. Ash was turning out to be a deeply confusing man. But if anything, that just made her want him more.
Unlocking her door, Easton didn’t hear the usual meowing. Maybe Hannah had fed Pickles already, and he was asleep on the bed. She drank a quick glass of water and headed into her bedroom. No Pickles. And no Pickles on her reading chair, in the bathroom, or in the closet. Hot worry was rising in her.
“Pickles?” she called, and then she called his name louder. He wasn’t under the bed, and there were no boxes he could be hiding in. But he was an indoor cat, where could he be?
The only thing that calmed Easton down was telling herself that maybe Hannah had him. She wouldn’t usually take him to her place, but she’d skyped her boyfriend earlier, and maybe she’d been feeling lonely and needed the furry company?
Easton crossed the hall and knocked on Hannah’s door. She answered quickly.
“Do you have Mr. Pickles?” Easton asked.
“What? No,” Hannah said. “And what were you playing at—?” Easton’s face had crumpled, and she was beginning to cry. “Oh. Oh, no, Easty, what’s wrong?”
Through sobs, Easton managed, “Can’t—find—Pickles!”
Hannah wrapped her arms around her friend. “Hey, he’ll just be hiding! Let me help you look. He can’t possibly have gotten out. He’ll be in your apartment. I’ll help you look, okay? Okay, Easty?”
11
Ash
Ash looked in on Penelope, who was sleeping in her sea of cuddly toys, a hand in her mouth. He went over to kiss her on the forehead and push back her hair, slightly sweaty with hot sleep.
Then he did something he hadn’t done for a long time. He picked Penelope up and placed her carefully, still asleep, in her crib. He took out the board books and some of the cuddly toys, and then he walked out of the room, turning off the main light so that only Penelope’s star-shaped night light glowed. He left the door half open so he would hear if she called out for him.
Ash brushed his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror. He wondered how old he looked; late twenties, early thirties? There were a few lines on his forehead, and he occasionally found a gray hair. But those were the only signs of aging. He found it easy to stay slim, muscular. Just his time shifted was enough, really, and anyway, shifters tended toward his build. When he was done with his teeth, Ash took a deep breath. He was looking himself in the eyes in the mirror. He almost nodded at himself, but that felt silly. He’d freaked out and been rude to Easton. It had felt like… well, it had felt like a lot.
He left the bathroom and pushed open his bedroom door—or his and Rebecca’s, he supposed. It was chilly in there, but the sheets were clean, and the bed was soft. He could spread out, and so he did, stretching as he lay there.
He’d been rude to Easton. He felt terrible about it. And today was Friday, and he wouldn’t see her until Monday, and he’d be feeling bad all weekend, and… Maybe this was him just imagining his actions had weight to her, but maybe so would she.
Easton was human. He couldn’t get away from it. She was s
o breakable; she would be here for such a short time.
Ash rolled over, hiding his face in the fluffy pillows he was just realizing he’d missed. He wanted her so, so badly. Could he tell her? Could he let her make her own choice? It wasn’t something they were supposed to do, but this was his pack. This was his mate. How would he ever know if he didn’t try? One of her best friends was a shifter, for goodness’ sake. Didn’t she deserve to know that, too?
Or was he just trying to justify the thing he wanted to do? He was trying to convince himself that being so madly, stupidly, blindly in love with Easton was okay. He was. He couldn’t help it. And he felt terrible for earlier, and wonderful about their day together, and horribly confused. His brain was like scrambled eggs. He was an alpha! He was supposed to be able to handle things. But there was very little training for being an alpha, and even less for love.
Ash knew he was unlikely to sleep that night. He was more comfortable than he had been in eighteen months, stretched out in the big bed. Easton had reminded him he was an adult, at home as well as at work. And sometimes adults had to make difficult decisions. And tonight, he had to make his.
Ash wasn’t wrong. He was woken by his alarm, which he’d set early to be up before Penelope, who would no doubt be confused and upset about waking alone in her crib rather than beside him, after only a couple of hours of sleep. He dragged himself out of bed, one mission on his mind, and immediately texted his sister.
Sure, Avery replied in minutes, I’d love to watch her. She had always been an early riser.
As Ash had known would happen, he heard Penelope’s cries. He hated to hear her upset, but it seemed necessary. It felt like a part of letting her grow. Of course he went to her immediately, picking her up out her crib and saying, “Pen! You’re such a big girl, sleeping by yourself. I’m so proud of you!”
Penelope looked up at him with her wet eyes. “Big girl?”
“Very big girl. So brave!”
She nodded. “Brave. Brave.”
It would almost be painful if it was this easy, Ash thought. Surely, she would be upset for a week or two, at least. But it was day now, the sun was almost up, and all the monsters had retreated into the most shadowed parts of the house and of their minds.
He walked downstairs with Penelope on his hip. She blew a kiss to the picture of Rebecca when they were on the third step. “Mommy!”
“Yeah,” Ash said. “Morning, Mommy!”
Avery turned up after breakfast, when Penelope was playing with her toy kitchen and Ash was worrying about his hair.
“Hey, bro!” she called after knocking, loud enough to be heard in the living room, where Ash was staring at himself in the mirror above the fireplace, trying to coax his curls into a sustainable style. Avery was wearing a 1950s style dress covered in polka dots and a pair of sunglasses.
“Ave,” Ash said, “you are ridiculous. You look great, but is that what you think of as a babysitting outfit?” Avery shrugged.
“Someone has to make sure your daughter ends up with style!” she said and pushed past him. “Where’s she at?”
“Livingroom,” he told her. “She’s playing. Look, I won’t be all day. You know the drill. Don’t feed her rat poison or let her near sharp things.”
Avery pulled her sunglasses down her nose and looked over them at her brother. “Yeah, I won’t kill my niece. Anything else?”
Ash shook his head. “I think that covers it. Have fun, yeah?”
“We will.” Avery smiled. “You have fun, too, on whatever secret mission this is.”
“Maybe,” Ash said, “but the spy life is a tough life.” He gave his sister a one-armed hug and kissed Penelope as she threw plastic eggs into a plastic bowl of plastic cake. “Have a good day, sweetheart. Make your auntie breakfast!”
“Bye, bye, Daddy,” Penelope said without looking up. This lack of concern at his leaving made Ash feel a little inadequate as a parent. She was so used to him being gone. All the same, he left the house and was soon in his car, taking a deep steadying breath before he headed over to Art’s. On the ride to the cafe, he was running lines in his head.
“So, you know we were talking about me being older last night…” or, “How do you feel about bears? Yeah, the big furry animals.” Nothing was going to make it easier. He was just going to have to show her, something he was uncomfortable with, because it would be scary. Of course it would. And he’d have to ask her to come with him to some secluded location… It all felt suspect, and she would see it that way too, even though she seemed to trust him.
There was a line in the cafe, and Hannah looked rushed off her feet. Ash felt bad when he was finally at the counter and asked, “Hey, Hannah, I need to see Easton. Can I get her address?”
She shot him a look that could have melted steel. “Why?”
“Because… just work stuff. Can I get the address?” Hannah was still trying to melt him, but she got out her pad of paper, and wrote an address on it.
“Here,” she said. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Ash.”
There was nothing Ash could say to this. He had no idea what he was doing.
The apartment block was on the edge of town, a squat brick building surrounded by trees and a large field out back, so wilderness wouldn’t be too hard to find. The front door buzzer was broken, so it just swung open.
Ash started along the lengthy hallway, looking for apartment 12.
12
Easton
Easton’s eyes were all stuck together from crying about Pickles. She had to rub them hard when she woke up, and she woke up late and to a knock on the door. At first, she was going to ignore it, and then she thought of her cat and how her address was on the tag on his collar, so she jumped out of bed and headed to the door, despite the fact that she was wearing only a large t-shirt and her underwear.
She almost stopped breathing when she opened the door to Ash. “Oh!”
“Hi,” Ash replied. “Can I come in?” Still in shock, Easton stood aside, letting Ash into her tiny apartment.
“What are you…?”
“I wanted to say sorry,” Ash said, “for last night. I… Well, there’s some things I wanted to talk to you about. To tell you.” Easton was very aware of her bare legs and the fact that she hadn’t yet showered. Ash was looking at her with an intensity she found, well, intense. “I’m sorry I got weird, firstly.”
“That’s okay,” Easton said. “I mean, we talked about, you know, some serious stuff. I don’t expect you to just be fine about that. And you don’t need to tell me things you don’t want to. I’m just the nanny.”
He smiled and shook his head. “Easton, you know you’re more than just the nanny. Far more.”
She pulled on the bottom edge of her t-shirt, feeling the blood rush to her face.
“Right,” she said. “Maybe.”
Ash was looking her up and down, not lingering anywhere but taking her all in. She wanted to hide from him and bare herself to him at the same time. She had never been so confused. Then, suddenly, Ash pulled her toward him. He kissed her once and then pulled back.
“Is this…?” Easton nodded, though he was so close he couldn’t see that.
“Yes,” she said, “yes, please.” She pulled off his jacket, and her hands were under his shirt immediately. He was soft and warm and real and exactly what she wanted—what she needed.
She undressed him right there in the kitchen, and he murmured into her ear, “I’ve wanted to do this since the moment I met you…”
“Me too,” Easton said as she unbuckled his belt. “So much.” She pushed him toward her bedroom, the bed still warm from her sleep. Ash let her, totally acquiescing to her, following her lead. They tumbled onto the bed, their bodies tangling immediately together. Easton laughed and pushed herself up, sat, and pulled off the t-shirt she’d slept in.
“You’re so beautiful,” Ash said, running his hands up her naked torso, to her breasts.
“So are you,” she said, and she le
aned down and kissed his neck, along his collar bone, down his chest and stomach until she reached the thatch of his pubic hair and could take him into her mouth.
Ash groaned her name like a man drowning. Easton clutched at his thigh, stroking his stomach, and then when he sounded like he almost couldn’t take it anymore, she stopped what she was doing and moved back up to kiss him, letting him calm down for a moment.
“You’re so good at that,” he breathed into her neck.
“Are you surprised?” she asked, letting him flip her over, kiss, and nibble her now.
“Maybe just out of practice,” he said. Easton laughed.
“Way to turn a girl on,” she said, but he had slipped his fingers down her body, between her thighs, and he knew how turned on she was.
“Can I…?” Easton nodded, biting her bottom lip.
“Please,” she mumbled. “I need you…” And Ash slipped himself inside her, taking excited breaths as he did so.
“Jesus, you feel so good,” he said into her ear. “I love this.” She couldn’t stop smiling.
“Of course you do,” Easton replied. “It’s sex.” She could almost feel Ash rolling his eyes, and then he lifted himself on his elbows and looked at her.
“With you,” he said. “I love this with you.”
Easton laid a finger over his lips to shush him. Ash kissed it. But he also shut up, just moving in her, with her, until the waves of pleasure became intense enough that they had to be noisy again. She nudged him to roll over and pinned his arms down above his head. She pushed her hips down on him, taking him as deep as she could, until he moaned her name and she bent to kiss him, nibbling his neck. She stayed as still as she could, just enjoying how he filled her. Then, once again, Ash rolled her over, unable to take any more, and she was laughing, and he was laughing, too, and gasping, and it was all kinds of joy all at once.