Cutting Cords (Cutting Cords Series Book 1)

by Mickie B. Ashling

  It was ironic I couldn’t share my own secret. I didn’t think he’d be interested or care enough to deal with my cutting issues. It would be another problem he didn’t need to face at this time. It was best to minimize his stress as much as possible.

  Dr. Butterman had insisted I act normal. My usual behavior—snarky and disrespectful—wasn’t the norm by any means, but apparently it appealed to Cole. Nonetheless, I would endeavor to be nicer and more solicitous without smothering him.

  And on the heels of that decision, fate knocked on our door via two phone calls, one after the other. Juliana was on her way, and so was Max. Cole and I scrambled to get ready.

  Chapter 29

  Max was giddy with excitement when he picked me up in the limo and insisted on going to the studio. Blown-up pictures of my face at different angles were hanging on every available wall. He still hadn’t heard back from Klas regarding an offer, but he was confident the e-mail would arrive within twenty-four hours. I was totally skeptical, baffled by the notion that anyone would be willing to pay good money to put me on a billboard. Even if his prediction came true, I would never look in a mirror and see anything extraordinary, but I was grateful for the opportunity to earn big bucks.

  Right then, my thoughts were on Cole and our conversation when he learned Juliana was dropping by the apartment with hardly any notice.

  “I can’t see her now,” he’d panicked.

  “You have to. It would be weird if you turned her away.”

  “But I want to stay in bed with you for the rest of the night.”

  “I want that too.”

  “Are you going to have sex with Max?”

  “How can you possibly think I’d jump into his arms after what we shared?”

  Cole frowned. “I’m feeling very possessive suddenly.”

  “Unfortunately, we’re not there yet. You can’t pretend Juliana doesn’t exist because it’s inconvenient. For all I know, you’ll end up in bed with her, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”

  “Do you have to be so goddamn blunt?”

  “I won’t sugarcoat our issues to keep the peace. She’s your fiancée and there’s no getting around it. Until you decide otherwise we’re both stuck.”

  He clenched his jaw, gave a brisk nod, and left the room.

  I knocked on his bedroom door before leaving. “I’m going, Cole.”

  He yanked it open, and for a few seconds, we stared at each other, at a loss for words. Finally, he broke the silence. “Thank you for a memorable evening. I’ll never forget it.”

  I should have been gracious and accepted the compliment, but I was suddenly furious. His hetero mask was firmly back in place, and I was reduced to a moment in time. Provoked by his constant waffling, I snarled, “You can have this every night if you’d only make the right decision.”

  The flash of shame on his pale face had been worth it, but that was earlier, and now I was with Max, drowning in regret.

  “Hey.” Max interrupted my train of thought. “What’s going on in your gorgeous head?”

  “Not much.”

  Max didn’t look convinced. “Why so grim?” he probed. “You should be ecstatic over the upcoming contract.”

  “I can’t get excited about something that might not pan out.”

  “When are you going to learn to trust me?” Max soothed. “Have I steered you wrong at any time?”

  “No, you’ve been pretty honest so far.”

  “Exactly, and I expect the same frankness from you. What’s troubling you?”

  “I have a lot on my mind.”

  “You’re lying, but I won’t press. Tell me when you’re ready.”

  I nodded, grateful for the reprieve. He really was a nice guy, and I might have fallen for him if I weren’t so crazy about Cole. Max was worldly and talented, possessed mad skills in bed, and had a deviant side that piqued my curiosity.

  Which brought another disturbing thought. What would Max do if I rejected him? Would he get pissed and cancel my contract? Tell the entire modeling world I was an insecure cutter? I had no idea how he would react. Caught between a rock and a hard place, I realized there was no good outcome. Choosing Max was tantamount to admitting Cole and I didn’t stand a chance. But if I gambled in Cole’s favor and he decided on Juliana, I’d end up without a lover and a modeling career that tanked before it got off the ground. If Cole suddenly grew a backbone and defied convention, there would be no contest, but it was as improbable as my signing a million dollar contract.

  “I know just the thing to take your mind off your troubles,” Max said, invading my thoughts again.

  “What?”

  “A session with my flogger might do the trick.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “Don’t you remember how good you felt after the spanking?”

  “Um, yeah, but I wasn’t planning on having a scene tonight.”

  “Why not? You’re preoccupied, and I can fix it.”

  “I don’t know, Max. I’m not one hundred percent on board with your version of pain management.”

  He massaged my groin and kissed me on the neck. When I began to respond, he pulled away with a smirk. “Tell that to your cock. It appears to be in complete disagreement with your mouth.”

  “Bastard,” I huffed.

  He laughed, tickled by my body’s betrayal.

  “Come on, Beauty. We’re off to my place.”

  I followed albeit reluctantly. I’d been insulted when Cole asked me earlier if I planned to have sex with Max, and here I was, trotting behind him like a puppy. It made Cole’s situation with Juliana much more understandable. He was probably fucking her right then to keep the peace.

  Max’s apartment was exactly the way I remembered it. This time we didn’t stop at his bedroom, but he took my hand and led me down a short flight of stairs to his “playroom.” The connotation was a far cry from the various instruments of torture lining one wall. My skin prickled as I scanned the unfamiliar surroundings.

  “What the fuck is this?” I asked, latching on to the closest object at hand. Pointy clamps were held together by a delicate silver chain.

  “They hook on to your nipples.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Some people find it very stimulating.”

  I shuddered, revolted by the idea. “Don’t put me in the same category.”

  He gazed into my eyes momentarily, and I suspected he’d end the scene right then, but he took in a deep breath instead, reaching deep inside for the patience he would undoubtedly need to deal with a newbie like me and said with gentle remonstrance, “Don’t knock it until you try it.”

  Feeling like a fool, I nodded. “Fair enough.”

  He stood off to the side while I continued to pick up one object after another, marveling at the wide variety of toys. Some were simply window dressing, colorful feather boas and fancy Venetian masks, while other tools, such as strips of leather attached to wooden handles, and an old-fashioned pillory probably used during the Inquisition gave me the creeps. There was a table with iron hooks on all four corners, and a leather apparatus hanging from the ceiling. Was this the infamous sling I’d read about but never seen? I picked up a black leather glove covered with metal spikes and I dropped it after I imagined the sharp bits shredding my ass cheeks.

  My attention was drawn to a metal jockstrap. It looked like something a baseball catcher would use to protect his junk. “What’s this, Max?”

  “It’s a cock cage, Sloan. It prevents you from coming.”

  “How barbaric.”

  “It enhances the pleasure.”

  “You’re joking, right?”

  He shrugged, crossed his arms over his chest, and patiently leaned against the wall as I continued to browse.

  “How about that?” I pointed to a narrow block of wood in the middle of the room. It had a heavy metal O-ring on top.

  “It’s a whipping pole.”

  I grimaced with distaste.

  “You’
re not very adventurous for someone who likes to cut,” Max noted.

  “I don’t cut because it’s fun.”

  “Right,” he drawled.

  “Weren’t you the one who claimed to understand why I self-harm?”

  “Apparently more than you.”

  “What makes you an authority?”

  “Experience,” Max maintained. “You’re delusional if you think pain isn’t a motivating factor. You need it the way other people itch for drugs.”

  “That’s not true,” I insisted, shocked by his remark.

  “You’d prefer to believe you cut because of your insecurities, not because you’re a little pain slut.”

  I shook my head.

  “Let me prove it to you.”

  “How?”

  “Spend some time at the whipping post. If you’re not hard and ready to have the most amazing orgasm of your life by the time we’re done, I’ll never bring this up again.”

  “And you get off on this?” I’d read about the dynamic between Dominant and submissive. I just didn’t get the concept.

  “Your trust and complete surrender will be more than enough for now. Let me guide you to a place where you’ll experience unimaginable sexual heights and you’ll never think about cutting again.”

  “What if I say no?”

  “We turn around and leave this room,” Max said simply. “I would never force you to do anything uncomfortable. A safe and consensual environment has to be established before we even begin. First thing you need to do is choose a safeword.”

  “Why?”

  “Think of it like a traffic light. Whatever word you decide on will mean full stop. No matter how far along we’re into a session, all you need to do is say the word, and it comes to a screeching halt.”

  “What’s wrong with stop?”

  Max smiled. “Sometimes stop can mean go.”

  “Should I pick a word?”

  “Please.”

  “How about red?”

  “That’s a pretty common safeword.”

  “And if I turn out to be a pain slut, as you so suggested, then what?”

  “We’ll sit down and talk about options.”

  “What can you offer someone like me?”

  “The possibilities are endless, my darling. If pain is your jam, I’m your guy.”

  “Jeez, Max. This is perverted as hell.”

  “Not at all. One man’s anguish is another’s pleasure.”

  “Christ.”

  “Take off your clothes, Sloan.”

  “I haven’t said I’d do it.”

  “True,” Max said, staring at my crotch, “but that bulge says it all.”

  Busted. I stripped, still not wholly convinced this was what I wanted. Then again, he might be right, and I was completely wrong about the psychology behind my cutting. Maybe the torment was part of the relief. Voluntary torture seemed rather extreme, even for me, but I was willing to try anything once.

  “When does the pain shift to pleasure?”

  Max moved closer and answered my question with a command. “Take off your boxers.” His demanding tone was supposed to be a turn-on, according to the book, but I was merely annoyed. Not a good sign. I stripped and stood silently as Max circled me like a panther. In spite of my aggravation, my traitorous dick was enjoying the attention.

  “I think I’ll put a cock ring on you, Sloan. I don’t want you coming too soon.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’d like you to address me as Sir when we’re in this environment.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me.”

  “Sir.”

  His eyes crinkled with glee as I complied and his pants tented rather obscenely. He palmed my distended cock, drawing out an involuntary moan.

  Excited by my reaction, Max kissed me and murmured, “You really are something else. I’m almost tempted to suck you to knock the edge off.”

  “Please do,” I whimpered.

  “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  He let go of me and backed away, ignoring my protest. When he returned, there was a large metal ring in his hand and he slid it over my aching cock down to the base. Satisfied, he muttered, “That should keep your little monster out of mischief for a while.”

  I wanted to protest but realized there was no point. This is how the game was played. Controlling my orgasm was Max’s first step to dominate me.

  At the whipping pole, he attached my wrists to the leather restraints hooked onto the O-ring. He rubbed my ass and back tenderly, all the while praising my efforts to please him. His tone was hypnotic, soothing me into a compliant state. “Are you ready for the next phase, my darling boy?”

  I nodded.

  “Speak the words out loud.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “And you’ll remember to use your safeword whenever you want me to stop.”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes, what?”

  “Sir… yes, Sir.”

  “We begin then.” He picked up a short stick, wrapped in dark brown leather with three strips of suede hanging from it. It had knots on the end, which would probably sting after a certain point. I was apprehensive suddenly, and I felt my heart rate pick up. What the fuck was I thinking? I was completely at his mercy, but he must have sensed my unease, because he lowered his arm and sidled closer, whispering words of reassurance. “Don’t be afraid, darling. Trust me to do the right thing by you.”

  I nodded mutely, eager to get on with it. The sooner we started, the faster I’d leave the premises. Regardless of what Max said, I knew I’d be using my safeword shortly. I kept saying it over and over in my head as the panic built. Red… red… red.

  Chapter 30

  The engulfing silence was a blessing after the loud argument that had ensued when he’d turned down Juliana’s offer to blow him. She’d left the apartment with a dramatic slamming of doors and a litany of vile insults trailing in her wake. Cole was still trying to process everything she’d dredged up during their confrontation.

  Humiliated by his rejection, she immediately assumed he was cheating. “You must be seeing someone else,” she fumed. “This explains your irrational behavior in the past weeks.”

  Nonplussed, Cole asked, “What are you talking about?”

  “Your sudden need to be independent when you know damn well you never will be. Why take public transport when you can afford a taxi or Lyft? Did you meet someone new on one of your sporadic trips?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Juliana. I have to learn to navigate the subway system on my own so I can qualify to receive a guide dog.”

  “What dog?”

  “The fucking dog I’ve been talking about for days,” Cole blurted. “Maybe if you listened more closely to what I really want, instead of assuming you know what’s best for me, things might be different between us.”

  Her eyes widened at his unapologetic tone and unvarnished truth. “I must have tuned it out because you don’t need a dog.”

  “Says you,” Cole continued to rail. “You are selfish and insensitive.”

  “Why? Because I don’t want people to feel sorry for you? Anyone with a guide dog is a target for random acts of violence, not to mention pity or scorn. Why put yourself in that position when it’s not necessary. You’re not blind.”

  “Not yet, but there will come a day when I’ll be completely blind and I need to prepare,” Cole said. “Don’t you understand how important this is?”

  “I refuse to discuss it,” Juliana said dismissively. “You have to fight this, Cole. You’re giving in too easily.”

  “This is not a cold, Juliana. RP isn’t a game I’ll ever win. Why won’t you admit it?”

  “I don’t believe you’ve done everything possible to reverse this. Isn’t there some sort of transplant surgery?”

  “There’s no such thing,” Cole said bitterly. “We’ve already had this discussion.”

  “I don’t remember.”

/>   “Because you didn’t get the right answers.”

  “This is so unfair,” she remarked petulantly.

  “I agree. It sucks in the worst possible way, but no one said life was fair.”

  “Stop being so philosophical,” Juliana snapped. “You going blind wasn’t part of the deal when I fell in love with you. My heart was set on a professional ballplayer. I wanted to travel with you and eventually have kids. Now, all we talk about is your health and all it entails.”

  “So it finally comes out,” Cole said sadly. “You were never in love with me. It was my career all along.”

  “That’s not true,” she protested. “I was crazy in love with you, but you’ve changed since your diagnosis.”

  “It’s called adapting.”

  “I can’t keep up with this new version,” she whined.

  “My general outlook on life has changed, but I’m basically the same person.”

  “No, you’re not. The new you is argumentative and pig-headed. It’s all about you and never about me anymore.”

  Cole shook his head in disbelief. “Seriously?”

  “We don’t talk about anything fun, Cole. Our conversations are so dreary and serious. You weren’t always like this.”

  “The trajectory of my life took a downward turn no one expected, least of all me. I am sorry you’ve been given a raw deal, but the good news is that no papers have been signed and no vows exchanged. You are free to go, Juliana.”

  Stunned by the unexpected break-up, Juliana lashed out, accusing him of cheating again. “You wouldn’t be so quick to get rid of me if you didn’t have someone on the side.”

  “There is no other woman.”

  “You can’t do this, Cole. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship.”

  “So have I, but we should have terminated this as soon as I found out I was going blind. You’re too young and beautiful to be saddled with my issues for the rest of your life.”

  “I don’t mind….”

  “Let’s stick to reality, Juliana.”

  “There you go again,” she threw out, “making me feel guilty.”

  “I’m trying to keep this real, not pile on the guilt. We’re not a good match anymore. We haven’t been for a long time.”