Dona Perfecta
Page 30
CHAPTER XXVIII
FROM PEPE REY TO DON JUAN REY
"ORBAJOSA, April 12.
"MY DEAR FATHER:
"Forgive me if for the first time in my life I disobey you in refusingto leave this place or to renounce my project. Your advice and yourentreaty are what were to be expected from a kind, good father. Myobstinacy is natural in an insensate son; but something strange istaking place within me; obstinacy and honor have become so blended andconfounded in my mind that the bare idea of desisting from my purposemakes me ashamed. I have changed greatly. The fits of rage that agitateme now were formerly unknown to me. I regarded the violent acts, theexaggerated expressions of hot-tempered and impetuous men with thesame scorn as the brutal actions of the wicked. Nothing of this kindsurprises me any longer, for in myself I find at all times a certainterrible capacity for wickedness. I can speak to you as I would speak toGod and to my conscience; I can tell you that I am a wretch, for he is awretch who is wanting in that powerful moral force which enables himto chastise his passions and submit his life to the stern rule ofconscience. I have been wanting in the Christian fortitude which exaltsthe spirit of the man who is offended above the offences which hereceives and the enemies from whom he receives them. I have had theweakness to abandon myself to a mad fury, putting myself on a level withmy detractors, returning them blow for blow, and endeavoring to confoundthem by methods learned in their own base school. How deeply I regretthat you were not at my side to turn me from this path! It is now toolate. The passions will not brook delay. They are impatient, and demandtheir prey with cries and with the convulsive eagerness of a fiercemoral thirst. I have succumbed. I cannot forget what you so oftensaid to me, that anger may be called the worst of the passions, since,suddenly transforming the character, it engenders all the others, andlends to each its own infernal fire.
"But it is not anger alone that has brought me to the state of mindwhich I have described. A more expansive and noble sentiment--theprofound and ardent love which I have for my cousin, has alsocontributed to it, and this is the one thing that absolves me in my ownestimation. But if love had not done so, pity would have impelled meto brave the fury and the intrigues of your terrible sister; for poorRosario, placed between an irresistible affection and her mother, isat the present moment one of the most unhappy beings on the face of theearth. The love which she has for me, and which responds to mine--doesit not give me the right to open, in whatever way I can, the doors ofher house and take her out of it; employing the law, as far as the lawreaches, and using force at the point where the law ceases to supportme? I think that your rigid moral scrupulosity will not give anaffirmative answer to this question; but I have ceased to be the uprightand methodical character whose conscience was in exact conformity withthe dictates of the moral law. I am no longer the man whom an almostperfect education enabled to keep his emotions under strict control.To-day I am a man like other men; at a single step I have crossed theline which separates the just and the good from the unjust and thewicked. Prepare yourself to hear of some dreadful act committed by me. Iwill take care to notify you of all my misdeeds.
"But the confession of my faults will not relieve me from theresponsibility of the serious occurrences which have taken place andwhich are taking place, nor will this responsibility, no matter howmuch I may argue, fall altogether on your sister. Dona Perfecta'sresponsibility is certainly very great. What will be the extent of mine!Ah, dear father! believe nothing of what you hear about me; believeonly what I shall tell you. If they tell you that I have committed adeliberate piece of villany, answer that it is a lie. It is difficult,very difficult, for me to judge myself, in the state of disquietude inwhich I am, but I dare assure you that I have not deliberately givencause for scandal. You know well to what extremes passion can lead whencircumstances favor its fierce, its all-invading growth.
"What is most bitter to me is the thought of having employed artifice,deceit, and base concealments--I who was truth itself. I am humiliatedin my own estimation. But is this the greatest perversity into which thesoul can fall? Am I beginning now, or have I ended? I cannot tell. IfRosario with her angelic hand does not take me out of this hell ofmy conscience, I desire that you should come to take me out of it. Mycousin is an angel, and suffering, as she has done, for my sake, she hastaught me a great many things that I did not know before.
"Do not be surprised at the incoherence of what I write. Diverseemotions inflame me; thoughts at times assail me truly worthy of myimmortal soul; but at times also I fall into a lamentable state ofdejection, and I am reminded of the weak and degenerate characters whosebaseness you have painted to me in such strong colors, in order that Imight abhor them. In the state in which I am to-day I am ready for goodor for evil. God have pity upon me! I already know what prayer is--asolemn and reflexive supplication, so personal that it is not compatiblewith formulas learned by heart; an expansion of the soul which dares toreach out toward its source; the opposite of remorse, in which thesoul, at war with itself, seeks in vain to defend itself by sophismsand concealments. You have taught me many good things, but now I ampractising; as we engineers say, I am studying on the ground; and inthis way my knowledge will become broadened and confirmed. I begin toimagine now that I am not so wicked as I myself believe. Am I right?
"I end this letter in haste. I must send it with some soldiers whoare going in the direction of the station at Villahorrenda, for thepost-office of this place is not to be trusted."