Choices Shape, Losses Break

by Nia Lucas

  Before I know what I'm doing, I blurt out, “I don't want this to end!”, blushing furiously at my own desperation.

  Smiling, Justin simply leads me further into the crowd. I realise that perhaps I should be looking for Gary but frankly, I'm not sure I want to find him.

  Justin shouts over his shoulder, “I want to introduce you to someone” before turning and yelling, “Oi, Nath, Oi”, at a slim, dark haired man in jeans, trainers and a black shirt, as we enter a quieter part of the room.

  Smartly dressed ‘Nath’, leaning against a table, looks older than Justin and when he looks up with a sneer, I sense irritation which makes me anxious.

  Justin's smile doesn’t falter and he drags me forward, gesturing to the room at large, “This is going down OK, eh Nath?”

  ‘Nath’ responds with a tight smile. “You reckon? They're trying out new stuff for Mission. Not sure some of it's working to be honest. You seen those Two Pricks anywhere? Who's this eh?”, Nath points at me quizzically.

  Justin beams proudly, “This is Lorna. Nath, you should see her move, she's a banging dancer”, nodding at me as I squirm.

  Nath looks disinterestedly around the room, “Hmmm. Look, if you see those two pricks, come and get me, I'll be over here for a while getting some stuff sorted”, and with that, he walks off and Justin takes me by the hand through another door into a quieter, smokey back room.

  “Um, is he your mate?”, I ask, unsure of what I should say.

  Justin is looking around while he talks, “Nah, I work for him, Nath's a promoter, runs loads of nights. Look, I'd better go and find those two pricks, I need to stay in Nath's good books. You'll be OK now yeah love?”, he looks at me, nodding to prompt my agreement.

  I gabble, “Do you need a hand?”, I’m desperate to keep my door into this world open.

  Justin nods distractedly, “Er, yeah I guess so actually. Maybe I can see those moves again when we've found the Two Pricks?”, he winks. Relief sweeps me. I haven't lost this yet, I have a reprieve.

  As Justin drags me through the crowd, I ask, “So which pricks are we looking for?”

  He shakes his head ruefully with a smirk, “They're a couple of lads from London that Nath has working for him at gigs. They're dancers, Nath pays for them to come to stuff but they cause havoc. One is about six- two, blonde, fit as fuck with a big tattoo on his arm and chest”, Justin winks over his shoulder, “The other one is tall, mixed race and fucking hot but he's always pissed off, the moody bastard”, Justin leads me through another side room but my diminutive size and Justin's own lack of stature means that our line of sight is somewhat impeded.

  I'm focused more on following him than looking for anyone, when it happens. There are moments in life that stay with you, milliseconds that brand and burn and change the course of everything although you rarely know it at the time. Their significance is always retrospective. I'm following Justin when somebody coming across from the left of the room clatters into me with a force that makes me stumble dangerously, only saved when swift, restraining hands pull me upright. I look round to offer thanks and apologies and in that split second, I see tattoos and scowls. Teeth in the smile. Lips pursed in the frown. Eyes sapphire blue and open, eyes the deepest brown and wary. Blonde hair falling into spikes on a forehead, black afro hair twisted so that it looks like a crown of gentle peaks. Arms catching, frowns questioning. Milliseconds.

  The shock makes the words slip out before I can stop them,“Two Pricks”

  The mixed-race lad with a Death-Stare fixed on me growls, “I'll fuckin' let you fall next time bitch”

  His words have a venom that startles me into a screech, “JUSTIN!!”

  The big blond one with amazing blue eyes moves forward, his hands held up in surrender. Death-Stare looks at me with a scowl that makes me take a pace backwards.

  Justin scuttles into view, a grin spread across his face, “You little legend Lorna!”, placing a hand on my shoulder, Justin calls to Blue-Eyes, “Nath's looking for you two”.

  Beside me I hear Death-Stare growl, “Fuck this shit'”, and he makes to leave.

  Blue-Eyes pleads with him. “We gotta go see Nath 'bout the dough bruv”.

  Death-Stare turns around reluctantly, “Yeah well, that little bitch can fuck off”, he jerks his head at me.

  His words are like a body blow, there is proper malice in his tone and it immediately makes me feel sick, echos of Charlie Forsyth’s sneers in my head. Ignoring Death Stare, Justin grabs my hand and shooting a wary glance at the two lads behind us, I follow him like a subdued puppy as we quickly locate ‘Nath’.

  There's chatting and fist bumps between the group before Death Stare and Blue Eyes move over to the DJ booth where there’s a sudden shift in the music as a strong, syncopated bass fills the air and a chill runs from the top of my scalp to the tips of my toes. Every hair on my body stands on end as Blue-Eyes and Death-Stare slope into the crowd. Creating an arena for themselves, they start dancing and Death-Stare is the most mesmerizing thing I've ever seen. His feet do not stop moving for a second and he is radiating what feels like embarrassed fury as he stares intensely at the floor and the ceiling as his arms swing and reach out. Blue-Eyes is more measured, he seems more aware of the impact he's having. The plaid shirt he’s tied around his waist is flapping as he reaches with a set of arms that are just gobsmacking. The tattoo on his arm is part of a large design that reaches under the vest that he's wearing, across his chest and then tentacles up to just above his collar line. His dancing is like watching washing on the line ripple in the wind. He is incredible. I belatedly realise that Justin is talking to me, holding me by the shoulders and looking intense.

  “You need to go over there too, show Nath your dancing Lonely Lorna”, he nods furiously.

  Panic floods my body making me squawk, “Jesus no! I'd make a total knob of myself. Let's stay here”, I shut off any response he may have by closing my eyes, giving myself over to this music as the beat takes me higher.

  A few minutes in, I open my eyes and see that Justin isn't there in front of me, he’s moved to talk to Nath and whatever he's saying, Nath is nodding. Watching me. My blood starts to tickle in my veins and I’m squirming because I can't dance on my own again like some sort of saddo. Justin zooms back over and taking my arm, leads me closer to where the crowd is watching the two lads dance. A grin splitting his little elfin face, Justin dances with me, a more euphoric track making my skin tingle and my body move without any thought.

  Over the course of a few minutes, Justin manoeuvres us so that before I realise what’s happened, I’m inadvertently dancing with Blue-Eyes and Death-Stare who are the focus of a lot of attention. As I frantically gesticulate my desire to return to the neutrality of the crowd, Justin points back towards Nath who’s watching me, hissing,

  “Lorna, this could be something. C'mon move, stop looking gormless love”, Justin looks agitated.

  I’m clearly bolloxing up a plan to which I’m not privy so taking a deep breath, I dance. I convert the intimidation that I feel into something more. I want to show that frowning Death Stare prick what I can do, channelling the sass I’d been missing earlier and strapping it on like armour because right at this minute, Death-Stare is Charlie who scared and hurt me. He’s the ones at school who sneer at and isolate me. He’s my Mum who treats me like a disease, like she hates me. He’s those lads from the cafe who are only interested until they get what they want. He’s all the things that make me feel like I don’t belong anywhere all the fucking time. This anger, it feels good. It feels fucking powerful.

  I dip low, I rotate. I stretch my arms with a wider reach. I toss my hair and with my jaw clenched, I mean every movement. Death-Stare? He doesn't look at me once. About four tracks in the roaring red mist of fury starts to dissolve and I become aware of eyes watching me.

  I jolt as Blue-Eyes, unexpectedly close, shouts close to my ear, “Well aren't you a fuckin' surprise, you're a bangin' dancer Little Red”, he smirk and gestures at m
y copper hair before winking, “Come on, work it wi' me for a bit”

  This is the first conversation that we've had and heart thumping, I just smile like the village idiot and nod my agreement, dancing with him as we pitch and roll in sync with each other. I can't pay too much attention or I’d have to admit that I’m dancing with one of the best looking lads I’ve ever seen and my legs would stop working and I’d wet myself, most probably. So I don't think. I watch him move and I try to keep up.

  A few minutes in and Blue-Eyes suddenly breaks away. It stings like rejection. He taps Death-Stare on the shoulder, ending the intense staring competition Death-Stare was having with the ceiling as Blue Eyes shouts,

  “Bruv we gotta bounce, we gotta get back for Jock. Need to check wha's happenin' wi’ Nath”, he jerks his head.

  Death-Stare nods, “Uhuh, this place is fuckin' shit anyways”, flicking his eyes so briefly towards me that if I hadn't been staring too, I'd have missed it.

  Blue-eyes turns, “Little Red, you and him comin' too?”, he thumbs in Justin's direction.

  For a second, I pull an Oscar winning “Who, me?” face before grabbing Justin and following them through the crowd. I’ve allowed myself to be towed around tonight, without question, by several young men of very limited acquaintance and it has led me to assess that my “Stranger Danger” training at Junior school was inadequate.

  Blue-Eyes shouts over the music as he approaches Nath, “Nath, you good now? We gotta get outta here, got shit to do”, he turns to Death-Stare who shrugs. I can't figure these two out. Mates? Half-Brothers maybe?

  Nath nods, “Yeah, it's cool lads. As for you girl”, Nath turns to me and I’m shocked into paying attention, “You are unexpected. Gay Boy here”, he points at Justin, “said you were good but I figured he was chatting shit like usual. So I want you working at Mission but for fuck's sake, wear something decent yeah? He says you're eighteen, so look like it”, Nath turns away to talk to somebody else.

  I stare incredulously at Justin who doesn't even know my surname let alone how old I am. My birthday is next week. I will be sixteen.

  I'm too gobsmacked to be polite as I hiss out of Nath's earshot, “Justin, I'm fifteen, not eighteen. What's Mission? What job am I supposed to be doing?”

  I must look a bit freaked because he reaches out and grabs my hand, hissing, “Shiiiiiiiiiiiit girl, fifteen?! You serious?”Justin looks genuinely horrified.

  I nod and look at my feet as the music deafens me, my heart starting to race as the unexpected events of this evening render me jittery. I don't know how this is going to end in a way that sees me home without shit properly hitting fans. These hours in Justin's company have been amazing but now I have cool people telling me to be places that I don't know, in clothing I don't own and it's overwhelming.

  Justin pulls me away to one side, “Look, Mission is a big club venue in Milton Keynes and Nath has got a night there in March, promoting some new DJ's. They've been looking for dancers and HE. WANTS. YOU. Do you have any idea how cool that is? Are you really fucking fifteen?”, Justin looks incredulous.

  Eyes wide, I boggle, “Justin, how am I supposed to get to Milton Keynes?”, I shake my head, “I just don't have any way of making that happen. I need to find Gary and get home and OH MY GOD, what if he can't drive?! I need to get back to Han's before her mum wakes up. Shit Justin, I'm properly screwed”

  My voice starts to rise in panic as I scan my surroundings. “Fuck, I can't remember which door we came in or where the car is. I’ve no clue where Gary is and he was ill. I'm a terrible person, I've not even checked on him”, I can feel tears brewing and I start to move away.

  Justin grabs me, “Lorna, where do you live?”, his eyes are kind.

  I gabble a vague description of my M4-corridor town but I'm starting to really panic and my breathing has gone funny.

  Justin looks worried, telling me to “Wait here”

  He approaches Nath, Blue-Eyes and Death-Stare, the latter of whom is clearly looking to escape with furtive glances towards the door every few seconds. Justin gesticulates at Nath who shrugs and nods. I’m frantically looking around, hoping to spot stupidly-tall Gary in this strobe-lit gloom. In my panic I picture him dead in a loo, suffocated by his own vomit, me being returned home by the Police, my mum sending me to Confession from which I do not emerge until my 30th Birthday.

  Justin is back, hand on my shoulder, “Lorna, listen, Nath is driving us back. He says he can drop you on the way. That way we can chat more, yeah?”, he nods encouragingly.

  I nod, frankly, anything that might get me home in one piece is worth a shot, “OK but listen, can I get five minutes to find my er, boyfriend? I feel really crap for abandoning him all night”, I cringe

  Justin smiles, “Go on, go find him. Is he good looking by the way?”, Justin's eyebrows are raised.

  My face must say it all because Justin laughs loudly, “Ah love, we've all been there. We're going in ten minutes, meet me at the bar”, and with that, Justin heads back over to Nath.

  Fuelled by panic, the need to wee and a desire to not miss the only chance I’ve probably got to get home tonight, I weave in and out of the crowd like a complete loon. I grab somebody's wrist with a watch on it. It's 4am. Shit. I should have been back at Han's by now. I fly out of the fire-door into the dark field of the car park, spotting a tall figure lurching about.

  I shriek like a fishwife, “GARY!!!!!”.

  Even from this distance, he jumps with shock, “Lorna! Where the fuck have you been?”, he lollops towards me and hugs me tight, stinking of vomit, poppers and lager. Sexy beast.

  The familiarity of him makes me feel less wobbly but this is short lived because he looks as fried as he did four hours ago and the chance of him being able to drive the Metro is minimal.

  Gary winks sloppily, “Lorna, can we kip in the car for a bit? I feel a bit shit but I'll keep you warm”.

  I disguise my shudder as a shiver, “Gary, I’ve had such a good time and it was really cool of you to bring me but I need to get back for work so if it's OK, I've got a lift with some people”, my tone is pleading, my words rushed.

  He looks shocked, “Shit, I forgot you had work. Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. You be safe though yeah, this lift is safe?”, bless his heart, Gary genuinely is a nice boy.

  I smile guiltily, “Yeah. Ring me on Sunday, ‘kay?”, I kiss his cheek for the last time because Sunday's phone call will definitely see me end us.

  I run like a ginger whippet back through the warehouse to where I clocked the loos were earlier. After the fastest wee in the west, I’m back at Justin's side with about twenty seconds to spare.

  “Lonely Lorna, you ready to bounce?”, Justin looks behind me, “Found that boyfriend of yours?”.

  Blue-Eyes appears from nowhere, “Boyfriend? I thought she'd turned you for girls bruv?”, his smile is devastating.

  Blue Eyes smirks as he shouts over the music, “Look Little Red, dunno what happened before, wi' Lee. Don't take it to heart, yeah? Tha’ fucker gets pissed off wi' everyone. I'm Shay, wha's your name?”, he smiles at me again and I melt into goo.

  Being the focus of Shay's gaze and attention is overwhelming. In the lights, I get to look at him properly and there are too many parts to take in. He's built tall and slim: broad shoulders, long limbs, strong muscles. His accent is hard to place, a bit Irish I think. His eyes are bright sapphire-blue and cheeky looking. He's got a really wide cupid's bow which makes him look permanently on the edge of a smile and the flat mole on his cheek is cute. His short, messy hair is dirty blond, slightly longer at the front making it fall gently over his forehead. His slightly uneven teeth have a couple of chips at the front but Shay's gorgeous.

  I throw a wobbly smile and find my voice, “Er, I'm Lorna. Your mate is really scary, I think I said something that pissed him off”.

  Nath interrupts us, shouting, “Come on then if you're fucking coming”, before walking off towards the open door, Justin following him.

&nb
sp; I blurt out, “I'm not Justin's girlfriend you know”, as Shay and I walk side by side, his arm bumps me as he wobbles a bit on the uneven ground.

  He chuckles, “I know Little Red, I reckon Nath's more his type”, he looks down at me with a quirked eyebrow. Christ even his eyebrows are perfect.

  Shay turns his head towards a group of people hanging around the doorway “Oi, Leon, fuckin' shift it”, he shouts with a grin.

  Death-Stare, AKA Leon, has his hands thrust in his pockets and his head is cast down. He walks with a swagger and his glare, currently directed at the floor, is terrifying. It's hard to imagine Leon laughing and this makes me curious about his connection to friendly Shay.

  “Lee man, this is Lorna. You gotta drop wha'ever she did to piss you off bruv, you scared the shit out o' her”, there's no scold in Shay's lilting inflection, just matter of fact with a shoulder shrug but Lee scowls blankly at me, no indication that I’m forgiven. He makes me nervous.

  A bit rattled, I follow the lads to Nath's car and without any discussion. Shay gets in the front, a wave of disappointment hitting me because I quite fancied sitting next to Shay in the dark. Mind you, I'm likely to fall asleep and dribble so I'd rather dribble on Justin if it has to be anyone. Then it strikes me that Leon will be in the back with me and I get sudden and alarming butterflies from this revelation. As we all clamber in, I’m squished in between Leon and Justin, every goosebump on my body unexpectedly firing as Leon adjusts his big frame in the seat next to me.

  I’m jolted from my tingles by Nath asking, “So, where d’you live Lorna?”, it’s the first time he’s used my name and I'm bizarrely touched by it.