by Nia Lucas
Baldy snorts loudly, “That Justin kid will come and tell you when it's your breaks”, he shouts at somebody across the room and barks back at us, “Okay you lot, get in position, we'll test the lights and the sound system so you know what you're dealing with”, Baldy spends a few seconds looking me up and down and it makes me uncomfortable.
I see Shay approach us from the corner of my eye and his arms wrap round me again, making me tremble, “Mate, keep lookin’ at my girl like tha’ an’ I’ll fuckin’ knock ya out ya dirty old fucker”, there's steel in Shay's voice.
I look away, embarrassed but put my hand over Shay's in a silent 'thank you', blushing from his use of 'my girl', warmed by such unfamiliar and unexpected protection.
Baldy spits, “Whatever dickhead”, as he walks away.
I feel a bit disappointed when Shay lets go of me as the three of us clamber onto the stage. I turn nervously to Leon who holds my gaze and nods with a jerk. I nod back, soothed by his unexpected attention but then the lights drop and ohmygod. I feel a bit stiff to start with but a familiar track allows me to relax, to give myself over to the pulse as I start to move. Dips, turns, spins- I give in and let the music guide my body, instructing me with the beat as my limbs sizzle and my muscles take me into the beat. Abruptly, the music stops, the lights go up and I scuttle self-consciously over to Leon, who’s closest to me. We’re both a bit out of breath.
My gaze meets his my heart thumping as I mumble, “Leon, was that OK? I mean, did it look like it was OK?”.
He swallows thickly and then softly his voice rumbles, “Yeah, yeah you was really fuckin' good, mint and that”, it's the most he’s ever said to me.
I feel myself melt as he carries on, “It's cool you got it sorted, y'know, getting' here, I'm....it's good you're here, yeah”, he’s talking to his feet again.
In a moment of sheer boldness, I reach out and grab Leon's hand, “I'm glad you're here Leon, I'm so scared”, my voice is wobbly but those dark brown eyes meet mine, framed with impossibly thick lashes and I see surprising nervousness.
“Oi,wha’ we fuckin’ doin’ now then?”, Shay's loud shout makes Leon drop my hand like it's on fire, turning away from me.
Baldy shouts from the other side of the stage, “It's all set up now, be back here at fucking 9.30”, before walking off.
My jitters return with a vengeance and I’m desperate to find Rosa and the familiarity she provides. With no real discussion between us, the boys silently follow me through the corridors as I head back to reception, the awkwardness muting me. Upon arrival I spot Ti, lounging in a chair.
Ti turns and looks astonished at my outfit, “Fuck menina”, he quickly recovers his cool, “You've been through some changes girl, eh?”, he chuckles softly.
I wiggle my fingers at a seated Rosa who salutes and pats the chair next to her. Ti's gaze however is caught by Shay and Leon behind me.
Ti glances at me, “Hey, I know them boys”, before shouting at Leon and Shay, “Oi, I know you”, catching their attention.
I see Shay and Leon looking quizzically at Ti until Shay's confusion turns to a grin of recognition, “Yeah man, you was wiv us in Exclusion years back, yeah? Shit, I forgot your name”, Shay gives Ti a complex hand greeting so cool, I dissolve in wonder at knowing these boys.
Ti nods, “It's Ti, yeah man it was the Unit. The Farm though- that was your manor? Fuck man, you're Mal's brother”, Ti greets Leon who has approached more slowly with more fist bumps.
Shay nods, “Yeah I'm Shay and this is Lee, you was in class with Mal?”, I see Shay shoot an anxious glance at Leon, who’s staring at the floor his jaw clenched.
Rosa is currently slack jawed, pointing at Shay and Leon as she hisses at me, “Is that them?”, her eyes wide. I nod furiously and her resulting cackle is deep and incredulous.
Shay suddenly moves to sit down on the floor in front of my chair, his broad shoulders resting against my spread knees. The shock on my face from his unexpected proximity makes Rosa snort with laughter. Leon moves closer, silkily taking a seat against the wall next to my chair, his long legs stretched out in front of him and those cheekbones sharp in the shadows.
“Christo Santo”, I hear Rosa whisper as she watches him move.
The five of us fall into a surprisingly comfortable chat and the information I glean is incredible, it's like a NATO Summit's worth of info and data on the subject that I am most interested in: Shay and Leon. It transpires that Leon and Shay’s friendship is a lengthy one, Shay casually refers to being 'in Care' with Leon in a 'Kid's Home' where they met when they were both seven. There are oddly stilted references to Leon having an older brother called ‘Mal’.
I learn that 'The Farm' is the Broadwater Farm Estate in Tottenham, where Shay and Leon grew up. Ti lives a couple of streets away, rendering him not quite a 'Farm Boy'. I learn that the Exclusion Unit was the place where kids who have been expelled from school are sent and the stories that the three boys share of their school days conjure a mental picture that sits somewhere between the Bash Street Kids and Lord of the Flies. Shay and Leon never say what they did to get expelled in the first place.
Shay's full name is Seamus O'Driscoll and that the pronounced lilt in his hybrid accent is indeed Irish. Leon's surname is Barrett and his Dad was Jamaican. It's not clear where ‘Mal’ is and Lee doesn't mention his parents whilst Shay never mentions any family at all. The boys anecdotes indicate a whole lifetime of working with people like Social Workers, Youth Offending and Probation officers, with throwaway comments that even as a naïve sixteen-year-old, tell me that their lives have been fraught with challenge. For somebody who's sometimes intimidated by bus drivers, their antagonistic attitude towards authority is alien to me. The boys both work as labourers on a building site but Leon is apparently ‘on probation’ at work for calling their boss, Brian, a 'fucking cunt' last week. Shay does not smile at this and I notice Leon shoot him a sheepish look.
Having been silently listening for the best part of an hour, it makes me physically jump when Leon, who has been looking at me intensely for a few seconds, asks in a husky voice, “Girl, what's your story eh?”, his head cocked, his dark eyes are searching.
I blush under his scrutiny, “Er, my story? Um, I don't have one, I'm just, y'know, boring”, I shrug.
Next to me Rosa snorts loudly, “Ragazza, you got this job at fucking fifteen after going to raves and you're dressed like that? Bitch, you 'ain’t boring”, Rosa rolls her eyes and smiles.
Shay, upon hearing this, shoots forward, turning his whole body to stare at me agog, “Fuckin' hell Little Red, you're fifteen?!”, he's shouting now and I 'shhhhhhhh' him, suddenly scared that Nath will hear.
I whisper frantically, “No, no, I turned sixteen last month”,
Rosa shoulder nudges me, “Yeah, she's proper Jailbait this one, she's got my wankstain of a cousin after her. You don't go to his school though do ya Jailbait?”, she looks confused.
I shake my head, “Um, no”, my gaze drops to the floor, reluctant to reveal the education that will set me apart as so very different.
Shay looks at me with misplaced admiration, “Eh, Little Red, you at an Exclusion Unit too?”.
I laugh nervously, “Er, no. I got sent to a Catholic school, the priest and my mum thought I was going off the rails. I wasn't but y'know, that's where I am”, I grimace and fiddle with the luminous Mammoths.
Rosa hisses, “Fuuuuuuck Jailbait, that's hardcore. Are there nuns?”
I laugh, “Yeah, loads of them”, rolling my eyes.
Shay stands up, stretching, “Lee bruv, we need to check this school out man, we gotta mess tha’ nun shit up!”, he's looking down at me with a crooked smile that gives me butterflies.
A quick time-check shows that the doors will open in ten minutes so we decide to move and avoid the crowds. My blood runs cold,
“I'm scared Rosa”, there's a wobble in my voice.
Leon walks slowly over, “You 'kay Shortie?”, his deep voice is gentle an
d I smile at his use of an endearment.
Rosa pushes me towards Leon, “Jailbait, you're gonna be cool, this one will look after you, yeah? Give her a hug man, she's scared”, Rosa nods at Leon who’s holding my gaze.
As Leon moves hesitantly forwards, my heart actually stops beating but with some magical bravery, I snake my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest. Initially, his hands hover awkwardly on my shoulders but after a few painful seconds, they too shift and he wraps his arms around, pulling me in tighter. His scent is the most comforting thing, fabric softener, cocoa butter and a hint of Lynx. His chest is rock hard and I take a deep breath in through my nose and nestle closer gently.
Shay's distant shout jolts us apart, “Oi, c’mon ya twats, we need to bounce. This place will be fuckin' mental in a minute”.
Looking at his feet, Leon mutters, “I'll be there y'know Lorna, if anythin' fuckin' kicks off, I'll be there”, my breath hitches from his use of my name.
I whisper, “Thanks Leon”, he nods, still looking down but his lips are quirked up like he's pleased.
Suddenly, there’s a wall of noise from reception as the main doors open. Leon grabs my hand and we’re running back to the locker room, the music getting louder and louder until I can't hear our footsteps any more. Nervous laughter bubbles out of my mouth and the feel of his hand in mine is just glorious. Shay is nowhere to be seen and as we burst into the locker room, that too is empty.
I lean against the locker, laughing and catching my breath. Leon has his hands on his knees, bent double as he looks at me, dark heavy-lashed eyes never leaving mine. He slowly standing, licking his lips and drawing my eyes to his mouth. His hand rests against the locker above my head, the dark hair under his arms soft looking, his bare biceps bulging with the action and we look at each other, panting. Right now I think I want Leon Barrett to kiss me more than anything I've ever wanted and that includes the Rainbow Brite Doll of Christmas 1986 but Shay bursts through the door, an unguarded frown crossing his face when he sees the two of us in our current position. With his arrival, the wall of noise from the music through the opened door hits us like a truck. Leon shoots backwards, as if he's received an electric shock as Shay's narrowed eyes dart between the two of us.
Without my buffer of Rosa and Ti, I squirm under pressure to fill the silence as we stand around awkwardly.
I blurt out, “So how did you get here?”, clutching at straws.
Leon smirks and points at Shay, “His shit-bag motor. We're sleepin' in it later, fuckin' thing smells like cat piss”
With an indignant shout from Shay, the boys start wrestling and I find myself proper belly laughing at their antics.
Justin bursts in bringing the noise of the main room beyond with him, “Oooh, I love a boy-on-boy tussle! Look, Nath is going mental, he’s asking if you can get out there early, what do you reckon?”, Justin raises an eyebrow at us.
As the icy wave of terror floods my body, I realise that Shay and Leon are now flanking me. Shay reaches for my hand, making my skin tingle and a few seconds after, Leon hesitantly does the same. I feel giddy and safe between them, a novel experience for me.
Shay shouts, “Yeah, lets fuckin' 'AVE THIS”, making us all laugh.
He drops my hand and in a fluid move, strips off his t-shirt, revealing an incredible torso as Lee shrugs off his jacket, leaving his white vest top on. For a second, all I see are muscles, sandy-tanned skin and sharp lines. Shaking myself out of a momentary stupor, I pat myself down, checking that everything is where it should be, hot pants secure.
Leaving the room, the wall of noise hits us and with a gasp I re-grab their hands, feeling their strength either side of me and an unfamiliar sense of safety soothing me with their hands in mine. Security guards guide us through the already heaving crowd, like boxers entering an arena. People are staring at us and instead of feeling the expected embarrassment at the attention, I discover that I bloody love it. Shay turns to grin at me and I feel Lee’s grip on my hand tighten as we weave through the crowds. Reluctantly releasing them, we climb on stage, my heart pounding with nerves, which spike when I finally look up and see the enormous crowd before us. I start to spiral into a panic until I focus on the beat. I feel the waves of it wash over me from my toes to my finger-tips and as we start our set, I let go of everything except this.
I am a Lycra-clad evangelist of this music, as I preach to the crowd in this massive building with every sweep of my arm and twitch of my hips. I catch sight of the boys in the strobe lights, their bodies moving with ease next to me. We make eye contact every few seconds, seeming to be seeking reassurance that this is real. I never want to get down from this stage. I never want to lose this feeling, this sense that I belong here, this feeling that this is my place. It's a total shock when I look down as see Justin making a gesture for us to leave the stage, our first forty-five minute shift done. The boys reach out to help me down as the bouncers guide us through the crowd and with a tap of a door code, we’re in the backstage room.
I can’t stop smiling and Shay seems similarly giddy as he bounces about grinning, “Lee, this is the fuckin' BOMB!”, he turns to me, “Little Red, you are the shit! Where you learn to move like tha’, eh?”.
Without giving me a chance to even register that he’s moved closer, Shay leans forward and kisses me, pressing his soft, full lips against mine for the length of a heartbeat before stepping back and talking with Lee as if nothing has happened while I stand in shock, pressing my fingers to my lips.
Justin, stood in the corner, has a knowing look on his face as he smirks at me, “You OK there Lonely Lorna?”, he laughs at my blush, “ look, there's water, food and some energy drink stuff in that cupboard. Don't do anything I wouldn’t do”, he winks lasciviously and heads off.
Leon hands Shay food and drink without any words exchanged before coming over to me.
Two bottles in his hand he mutters, “Which one Lorna?”, I point shakily at the water and smile as he holds my gaze before walking back to get his own snacks.
We’ve just finished our food and drink when Justin flies back in, gabbling, “Guys, the next DJ, Luca, is a big deal. Nath's asking if you can do longer shifts on stage”, Justin sounds a bit apologetic.
Leon frowns as he gruff voice rumbles, “Nath is pushin' his fuckin' luck tonight”, but with no particular objection from any of us, Justin beams and back out the door we go.
As we weave through the crowd, a grabbing hand snakes unexpectedly across my bum making me yelp. I hear Leon shout in anger and see the security guys manhandle a random bloke away from us. Leon closes in at my side and it's his hand that wraps protectively around my waist, his fingers stroking the bare skin as we jump up onto the stage. The DJ drops a Van Dyk track that I love and I’m immediately back in the game. God I love this, the power coursing through me feels incredible. I’ve never felt this in control, I’ve never felt this invincible.
As the current DJ is joined at the decks by the next DJ who I presume is Luca, I try something different, my moves bigger, engaging with the crowd. Shay and Leon mirror me so that as Luca steps behind the deck, we have a crowd whipped up ready for his first drop. In a move you couldn't have scripted, he drops my absolute favourite track and it's like electricity through my soul. I’m moving because I have to, because if I do not express the emotion of this track in the medium of dance, I might actually die. Justin eventually comes to take us for our break and I shake my head at him. I tell him 'no', I cannot leave because Luca is making magic and I want to be a part of it. Shay and Leon seem to feel the same because they too wave Justin away.
We dance for Christ knows how long, numerous shifts melding into one until we eventually need to retreat to rest.
“Fuuuuuuck, that matey can drop some fuckin’ beats”, Shay’s in reverential awe as we lean against the counter in the backstage room.
Leon looks at me, his face sheened with sweat and his voice soft, “Never seen no-one move like you Shortie”, he smiles shyly and
I go bright red, uncomfortable with praise. He moves to stand in front of me, putting his hands on my bare waist and pulling me closer.
His lips graze my ear as he whispers in a low rumble, “So fuckin' glad you came”, with a puff of warm breath across my skin, he gently releases me and walks over to the cupboard for more drinks, throwing Shay one as if nothing just happened while I'm rooted to the spot in tingle-riddled shock.
Shay stretches and groans, “C'mon Little Red, you and me gotta get on that stage. You havin' your now break bruv?”, Shay moves closer, placing his arm over my shoulder as Lee nods.
Shay’s proximity is overwhelming and I let him lead me off like an obedient puppy. As we approach the stage, Shay turns and his hand reaches out to stroke the thick rope of my ponytail, affectionately tugging at the curls as I smile. On stage I scan the room and to my delight, finally see a blue fluffy bra in the crowd. Rosa, Ti and a couple of lads I don't recognise, come closer to the stage, waving and pointing and I’m spurred on to impress by their proximity. Flicks, twists, spins, drops, I pull the entire menu out of the bag and in a flush of cocky confidence, I also strut about a bit more on the stage, leading Shay to 'whoop' in encouragement as I laugh.
Our set eventually over, we’re all sat in the backstage room when the door opens and noise fills the space. Expecting Justin, I’m surprised to see a flustered looking Nath accompanied by a polished, cool-looking bloke.
Nath sounds impatient, “Guys, I want you to meet Luca. Lorna, Luca has got a proposal for you”, my smile of greeting turns into a slightly gormless gawp.
I try to look more intelligent as Luca smiles, “Hi, what Nathan says, it is true”, Luca’s European accent is hard to place, “So I was watching you in my set, I like the way you help me with the build up. It is Lorna, yes? I wonder Lorna if you would work for me as dancer at a music festival this summer?”