Choices Shape, Losses Break

by Nia Lucas

  Luca carries on, “My management, they would pay for your ticket. Nath says that it is in your agreement, the amount that you are paid, yes?”

  I frown in confusion at Luca's words and Nath at least has the good grace to grimace. 'Agreement' my arse.

  Oblivious, Luca smiles, “So, I think you would be very good for this and I would like to talk about more work if this is good? Yes Lorna?”, he smiles kindly at me, his handsome face gentle-looking.

  I find my voice, “It's an amazing offer, thank you and I'd love to do it. I just need to check some date stuff”, I try to pull off a confident smile but I fear I just look pained. I have GCSE's to sit Luca because I’m actually a toddler.

  The devil that lives in me gives me the confidence to blurt out, “Er Luca, could the job offer include Shay and Leon? We work as a team, see”, I glance anxiously at the boys, Shay's face an open book of astonishment, Leon looking stunned.

  “Oh, er….”, Luca's on the spot now and Nath looks like he's taken a mouthful of dog shit.

  Luca looks thoughtful, “If you as this team to do some other work for my management, that would perhaps be OK?”, Luca turns to a furious-looking Nath.

  I carry on pleasantly, “Thanks Luca. I'll still need to check the dates if that's OK?”.

  Nath mutters, “Let Justin know on Monday Lorna. The festival is end of June yeah Luca?”

  Luca nods, “Yes! Right, I must now go. I look forward to seeing you again Lorna, I hope. Ciao”, with that, Luca leaves the room, the door shutting behind him.

  Spinning to face me, Nath spits out, “What the fuck Lorna? You nearly fucked that right up girl, with that shit about these two”, he looks angry.

  From that reckless place in me where the fucks I give are diminishing daily, I snap, “'A fucking agreement is it Nath? I must have amnesia because I don't remember agreeing anything with you!”, I’m giving lip to an authority figure and my legs feel wobbly with adrenaline.

  With Shay and Leon smiling in my peripheral vision, I carry on, “Nath, I appreciate the gig tonight, I'm having an amazing time but I don't know you, I've agreed to nothing with you and I won't take any shit from you, okay?”, Christ my heart is racing but when I look at Leon and Shay, their faces shining with pride and awe, my confidence is boosted.

  A slightly rueful Nath grins wryly, rubbing his neck, “Fuck Lorna, you've got some balls love”

  I take a moment to appraise him. Nath's in his mid to late twenties, slim, stylish cropped hair but there's nothing particularly remarkable about him for somebody who seems to have a lot of power.

  He holds his hands up and carries on in a conciliatory tone, “Look love, I took a gamble on you. You didn't fucking look like, y'know, THIS”, he waves his hands at me, “that night I met you. I'm a promoter, I make my money from the cut. You’re part of what I'm promoting now”, he looks at me searchingly.

  I nod, starting to understand, “Ok Nath but if I work any more after this, I do it because I want to, yeah?”, I huff out a breath, folding my arms across my chest.

  Nath looks me in the eye and nods firmly, “So, a festival eh? Fuck me, you up for it?”, he winks.

  Shay jumps in loudly, “I ain't never been to no festival before, you’re the shit Little Red”.

  I smile but reality forces a hesitant confession from me as I take a deep breath, “Nath, I er, need to tell you something, before any of this goes any further...” I grimace, “Um, I'm sixteen Nath, not eighteen”, I wince and look at my feet, waiting for the explosion and my immediate dismissal.

  Greeted with silence, I tentatively look up, shocked to see Nath's face split in a wide grin.

  He snorts, “Sixteen?! Jesus Christ where were girls like you when I was sixteen?”. Nath laughs into the palms of his hands, “OK, just don't tell nobody else, you're eighteen if anyone asks. I've got some dancing work starting in the summer at a club in Farringdon, a regular thing. We'll talk about that yeah?”, Nath points at the three of us and we nod, smirking.

  With an ushering motion by Nath, Leon and I head out for a shift as Shay has his break. Another DJ takes to the decks and the roar of the crowd as he raises his hands in the air suggests that I need to find some fecking energy and fast. Leon's face is rigid in a scowl but much like with Shay, I’m drawn closer to him, dancing in a responsive symbiotic manner which warms me through. For all my reservations, I’m relieved to find that my body can move to this harder set. I grin at him and our eyes connect, causing a sudden shock of electricity between us which makes my whole body tingle. Justin's eventual appearance marks the end of this shift and Leon's hands are on my waist as he lifts me down. My whole body rubs against the length of him as my feet approach the floor. I gasp as I feel a bulge in his jeans, His arms are around me, his body pressed against mine as I see unexpected heat in his eyes and my breath hitches. I want you.

  Frowning and slowly letting his grip on me loosen, Leon takes my hand and leads me through the crowd, my heart and my shocked body throbbing. Thankful for my break, I head straight for locker room on wobbly legs, as I hear Shay ask, “You look well shady Lee, wha’ the fuck you done now man?”, before the door closes and I miss Leon's response.

  Freshened up, I slope back, relieved to see that Shay and Leon are both gone as their presence is required on stage. Flopping into a chair, I’m shell-shocked by the events of the evening. I can’t believe I’m here. Blocking out the panic by closing my eyes, I’ve barely time to doze before the door is thrown open to the main room and the boys fly in, laughing and pushing each other around.

  Throwing themselves into chairs, Shay asks, “You gettin' a ride home wi' tha’ Ti and his girl, Little Red?”, I nod my head in affirmation, explaining that we’ll be sleeping in the car.

  Shay, now chewing messily, shouts, “Fuck tha’ shit, come kip wi' us. You don't wanna be stuck wi' them shaggin'”, he grins broadly, cheeks full like a hamster.

  Leon snorts and addresses me for the first time since the incident at the end of our set, “Yeah Shortie, chill wiv us in his fuckin' shitty motor”, he snorts and Shay lobs a cereal bar at him.

  “Okay”, I shrug nonchalantly, belying my inner excitement at the thought of spending time in such close proximity to them.

  Shay shouts, “C'mon then Little Red, let's do this”, as he and Leon start whooping and punching the air, I chuckle at their silliness.

  For the final shifts, the three of us dance like complete lunatics. We abandon the taped squares and instead roam free on the stage. Leon approaches me, dancing in much closer proximity that we have previously and for a moment, I forget that we’re on the stage. I imagine that we’re on a dance floor, having a wordless flirtation in the dark. Leon's body just moves so fluidly while Shay's pulling out some bigger moves which elicit whoops from the crowd. I'm unable to even compete with the moves they're pulling off. Jumping down from the stage for the final time, we find a space in the crowd and carry on dancing. Shay comes up behind me, his arm around my waist and we dance together, closer than we've been before. I see Leon watch us through narrowed eyes before he moves forward, standing directly in front of me as his hand reaches out to my hip.

  My entire body turns to mush, Shay's breath whispering across my neck and Leon's breath puffing against my forehead. For ages, we move in this way. I stare at Leon the entire time, challenging him to explain to me what we’re doing. Shay’s hands move until his fingertips tickle my bare ribs, stroking gently and I am itchy-skinned with want. I’ve never felt this. Furtive dates with near-strangers from the cafe, touches from people whose names I can barely recall. Gary, Stephen, Charlie. Nothing has ever felt like this. Shay and Leon are…different.

  Shay whispers in my ear, “Fuck, Little Red”, making me shiver.

  They’re both so much taller than me and as I tilt my head back to look at Leon's face, the top of my head brushes the edge of Shay's chin behind me and I move so that I am leaning slightly against him. Leon licks his lips as he watches Shay's fingers on the exposed skin
of my hips and Shay nudges my ponytail to one side with his chin as sensations course through my body. In a move that takes what little breath I have left away, Leon bites his lip and his fingers reach for my bare waist. This is too much, it's just too much and I don't have the experience to know how to handle this. I take a step to the side, away from Shay and Leon's fingers and I focus on dancing by myself, with my eyes closed hoping to calm things down.

  When I open them, people are surrounding us and two gorgeous girls, in tight black trousers and sports bra style tops, start to dance next to the boys. I see the girls snake their hands around Shay and Leon's waists as the boys respond with interest. I turn away, swallowing down the sudden, sharp pain in my chest. From behind me, a set of hands grab my arse roughly and I turn to see a leering ginger lad in a sweatshirt. With an outraged shove, I push him away but he sneers and steps forward again. This time, he grabs me swiftly with one hand, making me stumble before a large, sweaty paw covers my boob and squeezes.

  I shove him again, screaming “Fuck off”.

  Initially, he only moves slightly but I must have some sort of delayed power because suddenly he’s gone from view, slumped on the floor to my left. It takes me a few milliseconds to realise that the source of his collapse is the fist attached to a furious looking Leon, Shay beside him with his face flushed with anger. I watch Shay in horror as he goes to land a boot in the ribs of my assailant.

  “I'll fuckin' end ya, cunt”, he shouts and lands his kick with crunch that makes the lad on the floor shout out in pain.

  I'm shocked at the violence yelling, “Shay, NO”, getting his attention.

  He looks at me as he moves to land another kick and I shout, “NO, don't”, before my voice cracks and tears threaten.

  Leon behind me growls, “I'm gonna end that fuckin' piece of shit”, but with a restraining arm, Shay stops him, seeing my tears.

  I back away from them all, “I need to go, I'm going to go”

  I'm shaking as I turn away, flashes of Charlie Forsyth’s face in my head making me feel sick. Shay spits at the figure on the floor and points a warning finger at the guys two friends. The girls that Leon and Shay were dancing with are open-mouthed, one of them goes to touch Leon on the shoulder but he snarls, “Fuck off bitch” and I see her stunned face as I head for the exit. Catching up me with me and grabbing my hand, Leon leads me away with Shay flanking us as he keeps an eye on his victim. I'm shaking now, unable to contain my tiredness and my shock any more. As we enter the quieter space of the break room, I leg it to the loo, too mortified to face a conversation.

  In the cubicle, I calm myself down and mop up my embarrassing tears, shaken by the fact that without Leon's timely fist, a boob-grab might have been the least of my worries. I’m a sixteen year old short-ass, with the street-smarts of a toddler and an overinflated sense of her own invincibility. Total moron. I’m also rattled by the flashbacks of Charlie that my brain is firing on a loop, making the floor feel wobbly. I hear the locker room door open and I hear the sound of whispering, Shay and Leon clearly have no clue I can hear them through the toilet door.

  “She alrigh' you reckon?”, Shay’s voice is a mumble

  Lee growls, “I dunno, we should been lookin' out for her better though yeah?”.

  There's a pause, “Lee, you into her bruv? Before, y'know, when we was dancin’...?”, Shay sounds anxious.

  Leon's voice quietly rumbles, “Yeah, she's, y'know, she's cool”, and the silence falls again, my heart beating loudly in my ears.

  Leon’s voice is quiet, “Shay you into her? Be straight wiv' me yeah?”, he sounds anxious.

  A sigh and an almost inaudible, “Little Red, she's...I dunno bruv, Yeah, I'm into her”. There’s a pause.

  “Fuck man”, Leon sounds a bit broken.

  Shay sighs,“Yeah”

  The rest of the conversation is too muffled to hear and then the door slams, suggesting that they've left. There is nothing, nothing on this earth more likely to make a teenage girl giddy than hearing that a boy might like them and at this moment, I am unable to quantify the degree of giddy that I have attained because it is so immense, that it renders me unable to walk and I painfully collide with the door frame of the loo. Smiling like a moron, I strip and change quickly, a wary eye on the door. With fitted T-shirt and jeans back on, hair brushed and my bag stuffed with the fluffies, I tuck my parka over my arm and head into the break room.

  A knackered-looking Justin is slumped in a chair, eyes closed as he slurs, “Well, Nath tells me that I am now your official 'fixer’, he wants you for that Farringdon club next month if you're up for it? You're letting me know about a festival too, yeah?”, he looks over.

  I stand in front of him as he stares up at me, “Justin, how am I going to do this stuff? I'm sixteen and I live in the middle of bloody nowhere. I can't work in London and the festival. Shit!”, I'm panicking like I did at the rave.

  Justin looks passive, the tiredness clearly numbing his reactions as he sighs, “Look love, these two pricks”, he waves at the boys who flip him the bird without looking up, “have got a car. There's your lift. You only live once so grab it love, fucking grab it. You want this? You make it work. Simple”, he nods at me firmly as he hands over an envelope, “Here y'are, your money with extra thrown in for the longer hours. Nath's number is in there too”, I smile gratefully.

  Justin turns to the boys, “And here's yours lads. Right, I gotta bounce. You be safe Little Lorna, you got a ride home yeah?”, the boys nod, even though they’re not my assigned drivers.

  He stands up, “Good. Right love, call me tomorrow about whatever shit you've agreed. Jesus, a festival, you lucky twats”, and with that, he hugs me tight, blows mock kisses at the boys and heads off again.

  A roar of, “I'm fuckin' knackered”, from Shay makes me jump as he stands and stretches.

  I turn to Leon who has his head lowered, his eyes looking bruised from tiredness. He cautiously steps forward, wordlessly taking my bag from my shoulder as I quietly glow from the familiarity that we’ve built in just ten short hours. As we exit the oddly subdued post-rave atmosphere in the lobby, Leon leads us past the hundreds of milling, weary clubbers towards the far corner of the car park. In the distance I can see a battered looking blue Ford Escort, smiling as I recall Leon's scathing reviews of this particular vehicle. I look over and vaguely note that a black BMW is sort of where I remember Ti parking.

  “You sure you wanna sleep in this Shortie?”, Leon’s smirking as we approach the car.

  I chuckle as Shay shouts, “Oi fucker! I got them pillows an' shit tha' I nicked from tha' club gig in the back”, Shay's grinning as he unlocks the car.

  Lee reaches into the boot and pulls out a pink, glittery blanket, “I 'aint...oh nah man, no fuckin' way”, Lee looks horrified.

  Shay starts to chuckle, “Shut up ya dick and get in”.

  Shay throws the pink blanket in and gestures for me to climb in, taking my rucksack from Leon and putting it in the boot. Expecting them to sit in the front seats, I'm shocked when Shay folds his big frame into the back seat, slamming the door shut behind him as he positions a gaudy leopard-print pillow against the window. Shay grabs my legs, causing me to spin and slump against Leon, who’s jumped in the other side effectively sandwiching me. My heart thumps from their proximity. I spread the blanket out over us as best I can.

  Slumping down, Leon slowly puts his arm around me and I can feel his muscles tense. Shay murmurs, his voice thick with sleepiness, “You had fun tonigh’ Little Red, y'know, 'part from tha' fucker at the end?”

  Similarly sleepy, I yawn, “Yeah, Shay, this was the best night. I can't believe it was real to be honest”. I smile to myself, “I'm really glad I got to see you again”

  Leon's fingers start to stroke my side, over the blanket and I feel Shay make similar movements on my ankles. I feel fizzy.

  After a couple of seconds, Shay mumbles, “Been cool hangin' yeah?”, he sounds a bit uncertain.

  I smile, “
Yeah, it really was”, and I yawn again, my eyes fluttering shut.

  Safe in their arms and dreamy from their proximity, I fall asleep.

  Sunday 19th March 1995

  Opening my eyes in the grey, frosty morning, I feel Leon shift and groan beneath my head.

  I whisper nervously, “Hey”, and catching a whiff of my breath it's clear, to my horror, that I’m not exactly minty-fresh.

  I root around in the pocket of my parka for chewing gum as Leon stretches beside me, “Hit me up too Shortie”

  Smiling, I hand him a piece as I quickly check my face for sleep dust and dribble. I move my legs off Shay, trying not to disturb him.

  Leon chuckles, “Don't worry Shortie, Feds raided his room at the hostel we lived in an’ he never fuckin' moved when the door went in. The dickhead sleeps like the dead”, there's affection in his words.

  I pause and find courage from somewhere to ask the question that I want answered.

  I whisper, “Lee, last night, er, y'know when we danced and before that, with the, er touching...?”, I feel myself blushing furiously and stumble on, “Is that, y'know, how you are with girl mates? I just, y’know, wondered”, I blurt this out fast, on fire from embarrassment and using the contraction of his name for the first time.

  Lee looks uncomfortable and for a few painful seconds, I anticipate a sharp rebuff.

  He takes a breath, darting his eyes over to a still-sleeping Shay, “Yeah, I mean, nah, it ain't a....it ain't a mate thing. It's...I'm...Shortie….FUCK! Lee huffs in frustration and jabs his thumb at Shay, “That fucker’s blood and I won't never play him. He....he's y'know, into you so it can't never be more, you and me. We can be mates, y'know but we can't be nothin' more”, he looks deeply uncomfortable and my heart sinks at his words.