Choices Shape, Losses Break

by Nia Lucas

  With both our hands shoved in our coats, our elbows bang against each other and he starts to joke 'shove' me, resulting in mutual chuckles and 'oi's'.

  He looks at me sideways, a cheeky grin on his face, “Davies, what is it that you do, y'know, with the dancing stuff,? I mean, when you're not stripping”, he snorts.

  I figure that a controlled disclosure is permissible in the circumstances as I mutter, “Um, well I did some podium dancing work at a rave and Rosa and Ti gave me a lift”.

  I feel a little surge of pride when Nico’s jaw drops, “Fucking hell Davies, you did that? Really? Fucking hardcore!”, he’s wide eyed.

  I grimace, “Look, if my mum finds out, I'm a dead woman. Please keep it a secret Nico?”.

  He nods his assent, “Yeah, sure, whatever”.

  We keep walking as I chat, “So, the football thing is impressive, I remember you walloped me in the face once at school with a bloody great leather football and Mrs. Hurst gave you a bollocking”.

  He grins, “Yeah, I was a little shit to be honest. Sorry for the face-ball. Um, you're still best mates with Hannah Warren, yeah?”, he's looking a bit shy again.

  I smile remembering Han’s comments, “Yup, my best mate has always been Han, she's the person I see the most, every day normally. Sorry to hear about Vanessa by the way. Were you together long?”, I’m starting to genuinely enjoy this chat.

  He shakes his head furiously, “Oh shit, no. We were only together a few weeks, Ma makes out like it was some sort of marriage or something”, he mumbles, clearly embarrassed.

  He looks up at me sideways, “How 'bout you Davies? You going out with anyone?”, he's looking at his feet again.

  I shake my head, “Um, no, I'm not going out with anyone. There is somebody that I really like but it’s complicated and we’re just going to be mates”, I shrug and he nods, that pretty dreamy half-smile flashed my way.

  As we approach the end of my road, I feel I've banished the ghost of my childhood dislike of Nico.

  I turn and look at him, “Nico D'Angelo, I think you might be alright y'know”, I grin broadly and give him a shoulder nudge.

  He nudges back, taller than me by a long way, “Y'know Lorna Davies, I think you might be alright too”, without his frown, his laugh is a nice, warm sound.

  I walk backwards, waving, “See you around D’Angelo, cheers for walking me back”.

  As he turns to walk away, mock-saluting, “See you Davies. Keep safe with that stripping!”, and I hear his laugh echo down the road.

  The familiar sense of dread sweeps me as I walk into my house. My mum is in the middle of the kitchen, her hands on her hips, tapping her foot on the floor; her face puce with fury, steel-grey eyes narrowed, radiating malice.

  “Who is 'Shay' and why will he be seeing you tomorrow?”, her eyebrows are entirely lost in her hairline, so far are they raised. Dig for bullshit Davies, dig for bullshit.

  Taking a deep breath, I plunge in, “Er, Shay is the guy from the Instrument loan place, y'know, where school get instruments? Well, I'm borrowing a, er, bassoon and Shay was supposed to drop it into school today but the van broke down. He said he'd ring to confirm the delivery day”, I am now officially terrified of myself. How do I brew this crap?

  I watch her lip raise in a snarl, “I don’t know why anyone wastes their time with you, girl”, she turns away.

  Her words bounce off me, I’m immune and entirely giddy with the prospect of seeing them tomorrow. I float my way through a shower and Biology homework before heading to bed.

  Friday 24th March 1995

  I’m up at 6am, showered and hopelessly trying to 'glam up' my uniform. With no idea about what, if any, time the boys will magically appear in my world, I spend all my morning lessons on edge, every noise and voice making me glance anxiously around. At 11.50, I'm on my umpteenth loo break when I hear a wall of noise from the car park, a noise that is not indicative of a vehicle driven by an elderly nun or an upstanding member of the faculty. It's The Prodigy and it's loud. Every drop of blood draining from my face, I hear the music cease and the sound of doors opening and, oh Sweet Mother of Christ, the sound of lads exiting the vehicle and swearing. A lot.

  With a speed not seen from me since the spider-on-the-pillow incident of 1993, I drop my bag and sprint, my once-immaculately brushed hair whipped around into a tangle. As I round the corner, I spot them, taking a millisecond to appreciate the view. Shay is wearing a plaid shirt with his low slung jeans and his Adidas trainers. His blond hair’s in rumpled spikes up from his forehead giving him a ‘just shagged’ look. The shirt is undone, with a vest underneath that shows off his tattoo, a Levi's Sherpa jacket on top. Lee, oh Jesus, Lee. He's wearing a black bomber jacket with a tight grey t-shirt underneath, the tightness of which shows off every muscle in his chest. His jeans are riding low and he is smiling, a proper, teeth-showing smile. Lee. Looking at me. Smiling. My legs wobble beneath me from sheer, giddy, teenage lust.

  Shay yells out, arms victoriously in the air, “Little Red, we fuckin' made it!”, with a wide smile, which immediately shifts to confusion as I 'shhhhhh' him frantically.

  Lee rolls his eyes and punches Shay in the arm as I run towards them, beaming. Lee intercepts me, scooping me into a hug. God he smells amazing. With a kiss to the top of my head and a “Hey Shortie”, he releases me just as Shay picks me up and swings me around, laughing like a loon.

  I gasp, “I didn't think you'd make it! I need to lamp you for ringing my mum by the way. If anyone asks you, you're delivering a bloody bassoon”, I play-wallop Shay's arm

  He stares at me, eyebrows creased, “Little Red, wha' the fuck is a bassoon?”, he looks comically baffled.

  Lee slings his arm over my shoulder, “So Shortie, what we doing? Where them nuns at, girl?”

  I’m about to herd them in a safer direction when I’m halted by Ellie shouting, “Lorna!”, across the quad. I turn to see Emelia Hunt and her bitch-squad stood behind Ellie, gawking like lemmings. Yeah, look all you like ladies.

  Ellie comes flying over the grass, Lee whispering in my ear, “She cool?”, as I nod earnestly.

  Glamorous Ellie, all delicate Thai looks and expensive perfume, holds her hand out to Shay, “Hi, you guys must be Lorna's mates, I'm Ellie”, Shay looks startled and hesitantly shakes her hand.

  I don't blame the boys for being a bit stunned. Petite Ellie is so confident, it's a lot to take in.

  Recovering himself, Shay twinkles with charm, “Hey darlin, I'm Shay and this is Lee”,

  I see Ellie visibly melt at the face and the accent but she suddenly gasps, “Oh shit Lorna, look, scary penguin, 3 O'clock”.

  I turn to see my nemesis, Sister Mary-Thomas, storming over. The teacher who unfailingly catches me out and deals with my misdemeanors, she hates me with a passion. Shit. In her traditional habit, she provides the lads with the nun-quota that they were after but might also spell the end of their visit.

  “Miss Davies”, her shrill French-accented voice pierces the air. “I must insist that all visitors sign in at the office. Who, young man, are you and your friend?”, she points a croney finger at Shay, who cocks an eyebrow and stares at her defiantly. Lee's face is passive, no emotion visible.

  I step in, “Sister Mary-Thomas, this is my, er, cousin Shay and his friend Lee, they're visiting from London. I was just about to come and find you, to let you know. Do you mind if I show them around before they head off?”, I smile winningly and ignore the boys’ smirks.

  Looking as sceptical as she probably should given the whiff of bullshit that surrounds us, she appraises Lee and Shay individually before nodding curtly,

  “On this occasion Miss. Davies, I will permit the visitors but I must insist that they stay only for the lunch hour and that they depart before your study afternoon. Do we have an agreement?”, I nod in a perfect imitation of obedience.

  Satisfied, she stalks off. I turn to the boys, my eyes wide and mouthing 'FUCK' at them. Lee smiles and Shay shakes his head,


  “Man, she’s fuckin' hardcore Little Red. I figured nuns was sweet old ladies. Shit man, she's a BOSS”

  I chuckle at Shay's astonishment.

  El lets out a long breath, “Christ Lorna, that was close. Look, I'd better go for lunch. Nice to meet you two”, El turns to me and winks, her dark eyes twinkling with mischief.

  Lee is distracted, looking at the gaggle of my whispering classmates in the background as he clearly picks up the not-so-friendly looks and sniggers being thrown my way.

  He stares at them, “You get shit off those bitches Shortie?”, his tone is tight, grabbing Shay's attention.

  I sigh, reluctant to draw them into petty school-girl crap but there's no missing the hissed 'slut' and 'slag' that I suspect come from Emelia Hunt and Lucinda Matlock. I hear other insults, including something that sounds like a racial slur.

  Lee hisses, “Fuck this shit”, and he storms over to the group.

  Grabbing Shay's hand, I follow him hissing, “Lee, don't....”, but it's too late.

  Like a bloody homing pigeon, Lee targets Emelia, “You got fuckin' somethin' to say to me and my girl, eh bitch?”, Emelia looks like she just shat a brick and I actually feel a stab of pity, an angry Lee is fucking terrifying,

  He carries on, “You not so chatty now, yeah bitch? You got a sudden case of the fuckin' silents now?”, I feel a surge of affection for Lee because Emelia Hunt looks like she’s going to cry and it's beautiful.

  Lee stands next to me, “Any of you bitches give my girl shit from now on and me and this boy’ll be back yeah”, he thumbs at Shay, who slings his arm around my waist and sneers at them.

  Feeling like I have just faced down Goliath with my two David's, I lead them off towards the main building managing to make it around the corner before I clap my hands over my mouth, not sure if I'm going to cry or laugh.

  Turning to the lads, I squeak out, “You didn't have to do that y’know. I mean, it's amazing but you didn't have to stand up for me like that”

  The boys look at me like I'm mental, “Little Red, you're our girl innit? ‘Course we're gonna look out for ya”, Shay's face looks confused.

  I don’t want to tell these amazing boys, that this is new to me. That nobody ‘looks out’ or ‘stands up’ apart from my Han and Dan. Nobody ever has. I don’t have the words so I just do a weird smile that probably makes me look like I have wind.

  As I take them on a little tour, Lee surprises me by moving close and rumbling in my ear, “It's shit we're off doing our thing and you stay here Shortie, wiv' them bitches. That club gig next month will be time, weeks yeah?”, I nod at him.

  The club gig that Nath said he wants me to work at is some time next month, if indeed I can pull off getting there and then it’s even more weeks until the festival at the end of June. Ignoring the butterflies caused by Lee’s touch, I sneak us past the staff room as we head to the Escort.

  With little clue how to fill the time, I direct them first to the chip shop before deciding to take them to my favourite place on earth. Located a few miles outside of my home town, the Mill Pond is a seventeenth-century Mill set in gently rolling meadows. Dad used to bring me and Dan here as kids and now I come here when I need to escape. It always calms me, it makes me feel like the shit stuff on in my life isn’t really that big a deal. In the moody March weather, the rain is too heavy to linger so I lead them to shelter in the empty medieval barn that sits next door.

  Scanning the view, Shay shakes his head in wonder, “Man, I never knew places like this was real. Bruv, listen to tha’ eh, fuckin' nothin' but the rain. When was the last time you heard nothin’ but the rain Lee, eh? Fuckin' never man”, Shay’s astonished.

  Sat on wooden benches in the barn and munching chips, we chat, learning about each other. I tell them that I think going to Uni is the easiest way to escape my mum and all the things that weigh me down, although I don't know what I'd study or where. The boys have no fixed future plans, happy it seems to stay working as labourers for Brian. I'm suddenly reminded of a comment that I filed away on Saturday.

  Shovelling in a chip I ask, “Shay, what was the trouble you had when you lived at a Hostel? Lee said you got raided?”, I sense immediate tension and swivel round to see Shay sitting on the bench, head down looking horribly lost and uncomfortable.

  I panic, “Oh shit, Shay I'm really sorry, forget I asked”, I put my chips down and reach for his hand, “Sorry Shay”.

  After swallowing his chips, I watch as he looks at Lee, seemingly seeking permission. Lee looks very interested in his food but shrugs.

  Shay continues, “It's OK, it's just, fuck, you surprised me”, he looks uncomfortable and regret sweeps me. Good work Lorn.

  Shay mumbles, “See, when we was sixteen Jock told us we had to get out of the kids’ home so we went to this shithole hostel. There was some boys livin' there who was dealin' wi’ Lee's brother, Mal. He was in deep shit so they chased Lee for dough, sayin' there was a fuckin' family debt”, Shay nods at Lee who's stopped eating and is running his fingers distractedly over the woodgrain of the bench.

  Shay swallows and carries on, “See Mal, he was usin' the shit he was s'posed to be dealin' only one day, he got some pure shit an'...”, Shay swallows and looks down, his breathing uneven.

  He stares at the floor, hands rubbing his knees, “Mal passed owin' big money and them boys tried gettin’ Lee to be a pusher to clear the debt. They messed Lee up bad so many times, Jock tried gettin’ Feds to help but nothin'. So I started runnin’ stuff for them so they'd leave Lee the fuck alone”, Shay pauses, darting worried looks at Lee.

  Lee growls, “You never told me what you was doin', you never fuckin' told me Shay”, Lee's voice is raw, his whole body tense.

  Shay placates, “Nah man, you was wrecked 'bout Mal and that shit wi' them lads was gonna end you, thought I was gonna fuckin' lose you too”, Shay's voice cracks and I’m torn between which one to comfort.

  Shay looks at me, urgency in his eyes, “I only pushed shit for them few weeks but the Feds done a raid on my room at the hostel. I got remanded for a couple o' months coz o’ the quantities. Jock was the one who sorted it, he fuckin' proved Lee an’ me was being got at by them boys an’ that we was, what was the word he said bruv?”

  Shay looks at Lee who croaks out, “Vulnerable, he said we was vulnerable”.

  Shay thumbs at Lee nodding , “Yeah, tha’ was it. Them boys, they got sent down. I got off. They come out soon, so it's a bit fuckin' tense. There ain’t been no bother since coz we keep it low but we dunno wha's gonna happen when they get out”, Shay shrugs, his broad shoulders hunched in misery. I shift closer to his big, tall frame, boldly reaching for his hand and squeezing gently, feeling his work-roughened hands.

  Silence falls for a few seconds and I belatedly realise that Lee is gone. Pulling back from Shay, I head outside and find him hunkered down by the Mill Pond bank, his head bowed. I can see his jaw muscles clenching. His breathing is ragged and he looks so broken that I feel tearful. I crouch next to him on the pond bank.

  He looks over the rain-popping water as he grinds out, “Them boys gonna fuckin' kill him y'know, when they get out. He lost them big y’know, lost them crazy dough, got them sent down. We ain't never talked 'bout it but he's a fuckin' dead man walkin’”, Lee punches the ground, standing suddenly.

  With his hands shoved deep in his pockets, the rain is dripping through his hair like glass beads. I step closer, nervously reaching for his arm as he glances down at my hand before looking confused as I slowly go up on tiptoe, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek.

  As I pull back, he stares at me for seconds before suddenly swooping down and pressing his lips to mine. Startled, I step back jerkily, predictably slipping and necessitating Lee's timely intervention to prevent us both ending up in the pond. This breaks the tension and we both let out puffed chuckles. Rolling my eyes, I grab his hand and not wanting to discuss what just happened, start to walk back to the Barn and the shelter it affords. Without lett
ing go of Lee, I approach Shay and wrap my arm around his waist, pulling him into an awkward hug with my head against his shoulder. I pull Lee closer, wrapping my other arm around his waist and there, in a cold, draughty barn, I try and make it all OK with the world’s weirdest cuddle. By the way they are leaning into it, I figure it's having the desired comforting affect.

  I mumble into Shay's firm shoulder, “The next time I look like I'm going to ask a question, stick a chip in my mouth and tell me to shut up, yeah?”, and a warm glow fills my chest as I feel matching sets of rumbling chuckles against my hair.

  Sat eating chips again, I ask, “So, where do you normally go out? You’ve got mates near where you live?”, I'm curious as their stories seem quite insular.

  Shay shrugs, “Nah, there ain’t nobody on The Farm we chill wi'. We try keep low, stay out o' the madness”, Shay frowns, pointing at Lee, “Me and him, tha's it Little Red. Mates you can trust to not screw you over? Nah, we got none of them, not there”

  He looks at me, challenge in his eyes and I swallow, trying to sound casual as I pick at my nails,

  “What about girlfriends?”

  Lee kisses his teeth and thumbs at Shay, “There's always girls 'round him but when they work out that he's a shit stirrin' prick, all we get are tears and fuckin' drama”, Shay flips Lee the bird.

  Lee's smirking as he continues, “Nah, no girlfriends, we keep it chilled. What 'bout you Shortie? You, y'know, you wiv anyone?”, Shay looks up, suddenly interested in the gossip it appears.

  I shake my head, “Um, no, I'm not going out with anyone. At that rave, I was with this guy Gary but we broke up”, I blush, suddenly fascinated by the bloody cobwebs, standing and dusting myself down.

  Groaning at the persisting rain I turn to them, “There's a pub near here, you want to go get a drink?”, I grimace nervously and get shrugs and nods in response.