Choices Shape, Losses Break

by Nia Lucas

  I'm still distracted by how much that sense of connection with Nico has unsettled me and so I mumble, “Er, I just wondered what you're doing next weekend?”, my weak smile looks like a facial tick.

  Frowning, Rosa sits on the bed next to me, “You OK Jailbait? You look a bit fried”.

  I look at her, my panic bubbling to the surface, “Rosa, you ever forgotten to use something, y'know, when you've had sex?”, I desperately want reassurance.

  Her mouth drops, “Cazzo, which one of those two did you shag? Please let it be that Leon. Oh no, on second thoughts, fuck, let it be Shay, Jesus he's fit. Oh actually, no, Leon”, I've lost her in her own little fantasy.

  I look at my knees, “Oh, er no, it wasn't either of them. I saw them yesterday but we're just mates”

  Frowning, she nods, “Oh, OK. Well, you'll need the morning after pill. Go to the doctor cara, quick as you can”, she looks concerned.

  I mumble, “OK, I'll go Monday I guess”, wondering how I'll pull that out of the bag.

  Shaking myself, I remember what it is I need to ask, “Anyway, Rosa, are you going to London next weekend?”, I smile brightly, looking a bit demented judging by Rosa's startled expression,

  “Actually Jailbait, I am as it happens, I've got my cousin’s Christening on Sunday and Ti's picking me up Saturday. Why?”, she's intrigued and I try to sound nonchalant,

  “Er, well Lee and Shay have asked me to come see them for the weekend. I wondered if Ti would mind giving me a lift too. I'll pay him petrol money”.

  A grin splits her face, “Ti'll be cool Jailbait, no hassle. A weekend with them boys eh?”, she winks, “You might want to get a couple more of those pills cara”, and she laughs like a drain.

  I suddenly feel a bit sick, shame engulfing me. I've let Nico D’Angelo lose his virginity to me under false pretences. I can't be his girlfriend, he's not the one I really want and he’s a nice lad with a nice, kind family and I’m a terrible person. Slag, Slut. Subdued by my regrets, I hug Rosa goodbye and thanking her for the offer of the lift, I leg it down the stairs, hugely grateful that the door to the lounge is shut preventing me from having to engage either Maria or Father Michael in conversation. Nico is nowhere to be seen either which is a massive relief all round really.

  I’m out the door and halfway down the road when, with a sense of Deja Vu, Nico calls my name and comes running down the tarmac after me. He's frowning and smiling at the same time, clearly not sure what’s going on as he catches up and pulls me close, bending his head and pressing into a kiss which, in the absence of any clue how to handle this situation, I allow to deepen. It's so lovely and Nico really is proper fit, he's nice and a good laugh but even though Lee told me that we could only be friends, I want…

  Pulling back from the kiss, Nico looks dazed, “Fuck Lorn, can you believe that we just, y'know...?”, he grins broadly, “I can't believe we're together cara, I never thought when I got up this morning, that I'd end it knowing what you look like naked Davies!”, as his dark head dips in for another kiss, I manage a peck before stepping back as I look down at my feet, shame colouring my cheeks.

  I get a flash of inspiration and look up at him, “Um, Nico, maybe we shouldn't rush it, y'know, with GCSE's and stuff? I've got that new job at the pub so I'll be busy a lot and you've got football training. I really like you, you're really lovely and honestly, doing it with you was so much better than, y’know, anyone else...”, I'm awkwardly gabbling now because Nico's smile has dropped off his face. Shit.

  He looks really hurt. He's actually really kind-looking when he's not frowning or snarling.

  I plead softly, “Nico, what do you think?”, I want him to be OK.

  He shrugs, his tall frame hunched and defensive as he mumbles, “We could still be together and just not see each other much during the fucking exams. You could still be, y'know, my girlfriend”, he’s whispering now, his green eyes sad and vulnerable.

  I could cry in contrition. You are a terrible person Lorna Davies, what the fuck is wrong with you? I need to deal with this mess I made and get my arse home because my mother will lose it when she hears about Gill's job and lateness will only compound my bollocking.

  I take a breath, “Nico, I'd be a shit girlfriend right now and you deserve better than that. Can we just see how it goes after the exams? I’ve gotta go, see you soon, yeah?”, before he has a chance to respond, I peck him on the cheek and peg it off up the road.

  I don't look back. I can feel his hurt all the way home, where my choice to take up week-night employment at a pub, during GCSEs is sufficient to push my mother into the Seventh Level of acid. She lists my shortcomings, failures and disappointments for an impressive forty minutes before reminding me of her keenly felt shame that I am her offspring and that as such, I never fail to sicken her. I nod, mutely, throughout her ranting, agreeing with everything she says. After all, look what I did with Nico. Slut, slag.

  I stare in the mirror after my shower, looking at my reflection. The girl in the mirror, her face is changing, the cheeks sleeker, the eyes with a glint of challenge. She looks...different. I stare at her, rolling the decisions from the last twelve hours over and over in my head. What the very actual fuck was I thinking? The guilt over my treatment of Nico makes me squirm, unable to look my reflection in the eye. In bed, I have visions of my being dragged to church, resplendent in a frothy white meringue nightmare of a bridal gown by my mother who has Nico by the ear whilst I waddle towards the altar with a huge belly. Exactly One week ago to the second, I was at Mission feeling happier than I have ever felt before, doing something I never imagined I would do with two boys who are becoming so important to me. A week on, I’m a miserable, guilty and potentially pregnant mess. I don’t sleep.

  Sunday 26th March 1995

  Stirring in the pit of my bed, I feel wetness in my PJ's. I have a momentary horrified scold of my previously exemplary pelvic floor before drawing my hand out from the duvet to see it smeared with blood. Ahhhhhhhh. I don’t have a 'menstrual cycle' (a phrase that makes me squirm), prone as I am to months of period-free bliss. It would appear that some inadvisable shagging has seen my poor innards prompted into action and here we are: messy but not pregnant. The relief wipes out any frustration regarding the clear-up tasks I must now undertake and I get cracking without so much as a grumble.

  At 3pm I’m doing coursework at the dining table when the phone rings twice. I hear Mum answer but both calls seem to end abruptly in seconds. Curious, I answer the third time it rings.

  There’s a whoop at the other end, “Little Red! Jeez, your Ma makes 'hello' sound like a fuckin' threat”

  I beam at the familiar lilt of Shay's North London hybrid Brogue, whispering, “How’ve you been Shay?”

  He scoffs, “Yeah, work yesterday was a fuckin’ mission. Mind you, got overtime so the rent’s sorted”,

  I’m giddy that he wants to speak to me, “ Shay that’s brilliant and d’you know what, I've got a new job so now I'll be free at weekends!”, Shay whoops and recants my news to Lee, who shouts “Yeah bruv!” in the background.

  Shay is giddy,“So Little Red, c'mon then, you comin' at the weekend yeah?”, his enthusiasm makes me warm.

  I smile, “I spoke to Rosa and yeah, if you can put up with me still, I'll be there on Saturday and I’ll try and stay Saturday night”, I'm grinning as I speak, giddy bubbles rising.

  Shay's whooping and when he tells Lee the news, Lee starts shouting things in the background about “Farm Boys Keepin’ it Real” and both of them, daft as a brush, make me laugh.

  Dad enters the kitchen, misguidedly shouting 'Hello Hannah' as he passes and I launch into a fresh deception, hamming it up down the phone, “Yeah Han, Rosa D’Angelo's invited me to a family Christening in London but I don't know if I'll be allowed to stay over on the Saturday and it starts early on the Sunday”, I sigh, trying to transmit my fictional dilemma to my Dad who's listening.

  At the other end of the line, Lee takes the phone, a soft “Yo Short
ie, it's me”, giving me flutters from his rumbling bass. Lee.

  I try and keep my tone light, “I miss you, I want to see you”.

  There’s a little chuckle, “Wanna see you too Shortie”, Lee's voice makes pinpricks erupt all over my skin.

  I hear a scuffle at the other end as Shay takes the phone, “Look Little Red, we gotta go, Ahmed wants his fuckin' phone back”

  I hear an accented voice in the background calling Shay a 'devil' as Shay shouts, “Little Red, we'll get word to Ti 'bout meetin’ you when you get here on Saturday. Righ’, gotta bounce, FUCKIN' OK AHMED”, and with that, the phone dies.

  Dad's voice from the sink jolts me, “Lorna, I don’t see why you can’t go to that Christening. Go love, I’ll talk to your Mum”, Dad winks and heads out, biscuit in mouth. I suspect he just wants me out of the way.

  Han arrives at my house an hour later, looking pale with smudges under her eyes, She looks really fragile. After her Dad left, Han’s Mum used alcohol and dodgy blokes from the social club to ease the pain. Unfortunately, these days she’s more likely to just dump all her pain on Han. Han has to prop her up after each bloke leaves her or each boss fires her and it’s exhausting. Up in my room I gently brush her hair waiting for her to talk, heartbroken when her tears start. I lie down on the bed next to her, her face buried in my pillow, her sobs rhythmic and controlled. I stroke the hair back from her forehead, my arm across her back, soothing her with strokes of her hair. We lie like that for ten minutes, well versed in this scenario.

  I eventually whisper into her hair, “Han, do you want a laugh coz I've done something really, really stupid”.

  Han slowly turns on the bed, her face a teary-frown as I tell her, “Mate, I shagged Nico D’Angelo last night”

  Han does not react or flinch and it’s an awkward silence before she speaks, “Lorn, I say this with love but what in the name of God possessed you to go within fifteen yards of him, let alone his knob?”, she starts to shake her head.

  Gabbling justification, I fill Han in on Nico's improvements and how he has grown on me in, I admit, a startlingly short period of time. Han acknowledges this but she can't shake off disbelief that I went from “You're a moody pain in the arse”, to, “Let’s bump uglies” within a week. if I'm honest, it makes me feel a bit disconcerted too.

  When I get to the part about him asking me to be his girlfriend, she looks a bit starry eyed before she frowns again, “Lorn, what’s going on mate, eh? What’s going on up here?”, she taps my head with her finger, her expression concerned.

  I sigh and shrug, feeling a bit weird suddenly. We lie back in silence again and I tell her about the weekend and my plans.

  Han rolls her eyes and looks at me, “Lorn, you be careful, you hear me? This Lee and Shay, they sound...er, complicated. If you’re mates with them, just be careful yeah? Let me know where you’re staying?”, she raises an eyebrow and I nod.

  After a few minutes of silent ceiling watching, Han sniggers, “So, fight-starter D'Angelo has a nice dick and knows how to use it, eh?”, she chuckles softly.

  I snort, muttering, “Bet he'd have been nicer to me in the playground if he known I'd give him a knob-gobble in the future”, and with that, we fall off the bed laughing.

  Recovered and calmer, Han stretches and yawns, “Right, the drunken cow will be unconscious now, she was at the slurring stage when I legged it. You walking me home then woman?”, she pats my knee and hauls me up.

  Walking along the main road chatting crap, I see a group of lads about a hundred yards ahead.

  I clock a familiar Kappa jacket and I grab Han's arm cringing, “Oh shit Han, that's Nico”, I'm suddenly swamped with the guilt sweats.

  The boys approach, swaggers exaggerated when they see Han and I, bravado escalating. Stephen, my-first-boyfriend-ex, is the first one I recognise causing a shudder of revulsion, followed by Han’s crush Chris and Neil and Simon from Primary school. Stephen leers as I approach and I'm suddenly aware that I’m wearing my tight black Lycra trousers and a crop top under a flannel shirt, the result of a slobby study day in the house. Han, gorgeous as always, blushes as she spots Chris while Nico looks uncomfortable, stepping to the side of the group and kicking stones.

  I can't help glancing at his tall, hunched form repeatedly which is something that Stephen, the bastard, picks up on judging by the way he's smirking at me and Nico in turn.

  Stephen leers, “Lorna Davies, not seen you in ages, you're looking good, isn't she lads?”, he sends a challenging look Nico's way.

  Nico scowls, “Fuck off Ste”

  Stephen sneers, “Oooh, touched a nerve I reckon. Interesting”, Stephen is really not a nice boy, I can’t believe I ever went out with him.

  Chris speaks up, “Hey Hannah, it's good to see you”, he has a really cute smile which is currently being directed entirely at Han, who smiles stiffly like an Austen heroine at a ball as they start awkwardly chatting.

  Stephen's malicious grin has his back up crew chuckling as he shouts, “Nico, you seem a bit out of sorts mate, I didn't know you and Davies had beef”.

  Nico growls, “Ste. Fuck. Off”.

  On impulse, I step towards him, “Nico....”, but Nico scowls and steps away further, staring at the floor.

  Stephen cackles evilly, “Jesus D'Angelo, Davies? Shit man, we've all been there”, and he laughs as Neil and Simon bray like donkeys

  As my angry response gets stuck in my throat, Nico flies forward and lands a punch on Stephen’s jaw, following it with a solid upper cut. Stephen goes down like a sack of potatoes and the other lads flank him as he furiously rubs his battered face.

  Chris is at Nico's side, a restraining hand on his arm, “Nic, that's enough mate. C’mon, leave it, Ste isn’t worth it”

  Stephen spits blood onto the floor, “Fuck it, that slag 'ain’t worth it and nor are you, prick”, Stephen sneers at Nico who lunges forward but Chris holds him firm.

  Stephen mutters, “C'mon lads, lets go. We're done with these twats”, he walks off, shoving Nico as he goes, followed by his posse of prats.

  Nico turns, a frustrated growl leaving his mouth and he punches the wall that he was just leaning on, the sound of flesh on brick painful and jarring.

  I move forward, “Shit Nico”, I grab his hand, surveying the damage. He looks down at me, dazed and suddenly meek.

  Chris coughs, “Nic, look man. They're not worth it. Ste's a prick and we should have dropped him and those other dickheads years back”, he's pleading with Nico, who nods eventually, still darting glances at me.

  I hear Chris sigh, “Look, why don't you walk Lorna home?”, Chris looks down at his feet, shuffling, “I'll walk Hannah back, she lives near mine and then I'll meet you later Nic yeah? Meet you at Dave's?”, Nico nods, still looking at me.

  I look over at Han, who’s smiling shyly, catching her eye and asking a non-verbal 'this OK?'. She nods so quickly that I have to tuck away a smirk. I give Han a hug, whispering 'call me tomorrow' in her ear and with a little wave, she and Chris head off up the road. Nico’s still leaning against the wall and I stand there like an uncomfortable spare part.

  After a few seconds, he mutters, “Ste’s a prick Lorn, don't listen to what he said, y'know, about you”, he looks up now, his dark hair tousled and his earring glinting, making him look a bit Pirate-like.

  Guilt sweeps me, “Nico, I'm so sorry about your hand and about, well, everything really. I think, prick though he is, Stephen’s right about me”, I feel shame engulf me because Nico’s just stood up for me, causing aggravation for himself and he’s done it because I slept with him under false pretences and it turns out he's actually a really nice boy. Nice girls wouldn't do what I did. Slut, slag.

  Nico moves quickly, fingers of his good hand under my chin, “Don't say that Lorn, don't”, and he leans in and kisses me very softly for the length of a heartbeat before he pulls back.

  Shocked I watch him nod, as if an unspoken question has been answered and shaking his battered hand and
wincing, he takes my hand and starts to lead me down the road.

  Nico breaks the silence, “I remember what you said, y'know”, so quietly, I almost miss it.

  I near-whisper back, “What did I say?”

  Nico stops and looks straight at me, “You told me when I walked you home that first time, that there was somebody that you really liked but that you were just mates. Lorn, the reason you won't be my girlfriend is because you like somebody else, isn’t it?”, there's no anger or unkindness in his tone, he's matter of fact.

  He starts walking again, his warm hand still holding mine but I pull him to a stop, looking at him face on, “Nico, sleeping with you is not something I regret. It was really nice and you might have changed my mind about sex, it's not shit”, I waggle my eyebrows, urging him to smile back.

  I get a reluctant smirk and I squeeze his big warm hand, “Nico I'm sorry I wasn't straight with you and if I've hurt your feelings, I regret that so much but yeah, I do like somebody else and even though it’s not going to happen with them, I can't go out with you right now, even though I really do like you”, I look at him, apology hopefully written on my face.

  Nico shrugs, “It's OK Lorn, y'know. I mean, it's shit that you don't wanna be together coz I guess you worked out, that, y'know....”, Nico's suddenly looking mortified, not wanting to verbally acknowledge his recently-disposed-of virgin status and he carries on hastily, “...but I'd rather be your mate Lorn than not see you at all and maybe, if this twat that you really like pisses you off and you see sense, you might decide to give us a try, eh?”, his wink is cheeky and I smile.

  Nico smirks, “Cool, we're good yeah Davies?”, I nod energetically, so relieved at the way this has resolved itself.

  Nico closes the gap between us, his hands on my waist as I look up at him, “Davies, can I get a goodbye kiss though? I mean, I'll see you again but we won't be...I just want to...I just need to do this one more time”, he's looking at my lips as he whispers, licking his own.