Choices Shape, Losses Break

by Nia Lucas

  I turn and see the dark-haired lad from earlier as he moves to pull me tight against him again and we move to the music. Rosa gives me a comically big wink and struts off towards Ti, who pulls her into a heated kiss with a LOT of hands. Turn back to look at the lad I’m dancing with. Christ he looks like Nico. He's got nice eyes under his baseball cap and he's biting his lip as he touches his forehead to mine.

  His hands go to my bum and I don't move them, “Fuck, you're fine darlin”, his Cockney accent is thick and I get a little shiver as his breath tickles my ear.

  He leans in, closing the gap between our faces and I’m unsure what I should do, how far I should take this plan of Rosa’s. Our lips are within millimeters of contact when I’m ripped away by a hand around my wrist.

  With a fleeting glimpse of the startled lad I just abandoned, I swivel to face the furious face of Seamus O'Driscoll, flanked by an equally stoney looking Lee. I'm calling Shay's name, yelling at the back of his head as he moves to tow me off the dance floor. As he ignores my shouts and continues to drag me, his large hand round my wrist becomes painful and anger makes me wrench my mangled paw out from his grasp.

  I screech out my fury, “Shay, what the fuck? What are you doing?”, my indignation isn’t convincing, I know what’s happening here.

  His blue eyes are narrowed with fury, his jaw rigid as Shay spits back, “Wha' the fuck am I doin'? Wha' the fuck are you doin' Little Red, eh? Wha's wi'...HIM?!”, he's lost for words and points furiously back towards my thwarted suitor.

  He deflates, adding more softly, “I mean, Jesus, wha' the fuck Lor?”, he looks down at where I'm rubbing my sore, red wrist, his brow furrowing as he realises he's hurt me.

  With indignation hard to fake, I opt for rage, “YOU”, I point a small finger at both of them, “YOU said we could only be friends. You said that being mates was better than having nothing. Last time I looked, you were busy getting pretty friendly with some new mates of your own. So why the fuck is it different for me?”, I fling my arms wide.

  Shay looks me up and down shakily and his tongue darts out to lick his lips. I turn to Lee, his gaze wary as he watches the two of us.

  Something breaks in me and I sob out the words, “I don't know what to do. I don't want to be your mate, I want more and that can't happen so....I need to go, I’ve been so stupid”, shaking my head in mortification, I turn away and leg it, quickly disappearing in the crowd, tears rolling down my face as I head outside.

  Leaning against the wall around the corner, I sink to the floor with my hands over my face. I have no idea what to do. It’s too late to get a train and I don’t know anyone else in London apart from Rosa and I can’t face going back in there to find her. I’m shocked when it’s Nico that I find myself wishing for, the weird familiarity of him and his easy protection very appealing right now. I’m so out of my depth.

  Minutes pass and I tense when, from some distance away, I hear Rosa shouting,

  “D'you know what, you two need to stop fucking messing with her head. Fuck man, she can't be wandering this manor on her own”, I can picture Rosa's hands on her hips as she berates them, “Jesus, Ti, where you reckon she's at? Oi, mate, you seen a little redhead?”, Rosa shouts, presumably at the bouncer.

  There’s rapid footsteps and a sigh of, “Oh Jailbait, c’mere cara”, as with a sob, I'm pulled upright and into her arms as she strokes my back and mutters things about, “Pricks” and “Drama”.

  Patting my back, she turns slightly, “Ti, we'll take her back to ours yeah?”, Rosa goes to lead me away.

  From behind us comes Lee’s voice, soft but suprisingly firm,“Nah, Shortie's gotta come back to ours so we can fuckin’ sort this”.

  Rosa looks down at me, “Jailbait, what you wanna do cara?”, I glance from Lee to Shay, both looking a bit lost.

  My chest aching I whisper, “I want to sort this out”, my lip wobbles as Lee stares at me.

  Rosa huffs out a breath, “Right then, you lot come to The Beehive tomorrow for my Cousin's christening party with this shit sorted. Yeah?”, there are nods all round.

  Rosa shakes her head ruefully, “Right, this was actually a really fucking good night, until this Irish twat went caveman on Jailbait. Jesus, the fucking drama”, she points at Shay, who looks entirely miserable behind Lee.

  With a kiss to my head, Rosa and Ti head off. Shay looks a bit broken as he walks off towards the car, shoulders slumped. Lee takes me by the hand, his skin oddly comforting and he gently leads me, not a word spoken. I sit in the back seat of the Escort and let confusion and sadness drape over me in the dark, the boys silent in the front. After an interminable twenty minutes, we park up at the flat and enter the lift, in the painful silence Shay doesn't look up once, unlocking the flat and walking in before disappearing into his bedroom immediately.

  In the gloomy hallway, I turn to Lee desperate for some idea of what the fuck I should do now. In the dark, I see his hand move, like he’s going to reach out to me but he stops.

  I see his fist clench as his arm drops again, “You go chill in there Shortie, give me a minute wiv him, yeah?”, he nods towards the lounge.

  I trail miserably up the hallway, deciding to go for a quick shower before plotting my escape from the awkwardness. Emerging ten minutes later in my ‘Natural Born Killers’ shortie PJ's, there's still no sound. On wobbly legs, I pad towards the gloomy bedroom where, sitting side by side against the radiator in the midst of Shay's chaotic floor-drobe, are the two people that I spend all my time thinking about.

  Lee has his long legs bent, his forearms resting on his knees. Glancing up and down my pyjama clad form he turns and shoots a worried look at Shay, who's sat with his face buried in his folded arms, his mis-matched holey socks bright in the gloom. Shay’s dirty blond hair is flopping over the sleeve of his shirt, he's exuding misery and I can't bear it. Lee shifts to make space for me in between the two of them and I sit down nervously. In the awkward silence, I take a calming breath and reach out to hold Lee's hand before reaching to tentatively stroke Shay's bowed head, rubbing my thumb over his ear and gently pushing the hair off his forehead.

  I feel a tremor in his muscles and a muffled whisper of, “I'm sorry I fuckin' hurt you Little Red”, his voice cracks, his face still hidden in his knees.

  I gently nudge his shoulder, “You didn't really hurt me Shay. To be honest, you probably stopped me snogging a right muppet, did you see his hat?”, I hear him snort into his arm.

  I sigh and opt for honesty, “Look, I saw you both with those girls and, well, I nearly kissed him coz I was jealous. I'll try and be a better mate but it might just take a while for me to be OK with it, I mean, I've never seen you kiss anyone so it'll be a bit of a shock for me too when it happens”, I rub his arm and lean my head against his shoulder.

  With a low rumble, Shay speaks, “But ya have seen me kiss someone Little Red”

  I frown, “Eh?”, I'm baffled. Have I?

  Shay raises his head, his sapphire eyes soft, “Yeah, you seen me kiss you Lor”.

  I jolt, “Oh”, tripping over my words, “Er, well yeah, but y'know, that's not a kiss thing is it? Just a 'hello' thing, yeah? Mates... isn’t it?”, I trail off, confused.

  Shay’s vivid blue eyes hold my gaze like headlamps, “But you're the only person I wanna kiss Little Red. You're the only person he fuckin' wants as well. That righ’ bruv?”, Shay looks at Lee over my head.

  Lee nods as I glance at him, his eyes cast down as Shay whispers, “I really wanna kiss you Lor”, his words are husky as he licks his lips and I'm hypnotised. I don't know what to do. I turn to Lee whose deep brown eyes are wary. A tiny nod. Permission given.

  Time freezes, slowed motion in the ticking of Shay's bedroom clock, in the sound of the hot water tank refilling in the hallway cupboard. I turn to Shay, his big hand slowly reaches up, cupping my cheek as his eyes dart across my face. My heart is hammering in my chest painfully from the anticipatory adrenaline rush. Shay shifts on the floor, turning, the pulse
in his neck next to his tattoo throbbing under his skin as he gently pulls my head towards him.

  As his face draws close, he whispers, “I'm gonna kiss you proper Lor”

  Those soft full lips gently move against mine, it's like being zapped with electricity, every nerve firing. As his hand tightens slightly on my cheek, I feel the flick of his tongue and my lips part as we experience our first proper kiss. His hand clutches at my hair and my whole mouth tingles as the feel of him absorbs my concentration but it doesn’t distract me entirely from Lee's hand making it's way up my arm, stroking my hair as I feel his lips whisper on my bare shoulder.

  I pull back gently from Shay's kiss, reducing the intensity down to pecks before I separate and look at him, both of us heavy-eyed and breathing deeply. Lee’s stroking my shoulder, his hand reaching around my torso.

  Shay looks at me and whispers, “Both the same Little Red. Tha's the rules yeah”, Shay starts to stroke my arm, an eyebrow raised in challenge. Lee.

  Slowly, drunk on the electricity in this cesspit of a bedroom, I turn to look at Lee. Those gorgeous brown eyes are burning and I feel a warmth spreading all over me as his gaze sweeps my face. His hand cups my cheek and with no preamble, Lee presses into a kiss that’s so intense, I forget to breathe. He gasps into my mouth, absorbing me as my hand reaches for his waist and clutches the shirt there. At the first swipe of his tongue against my lips, I part them with no hesitation and Lee threads his hands into my hair as I squirm. I’ve never been this turned on by a kiss and as Lee groans against my lips, Shay starts to lick and kiss at my neck. I’m actually going to die, this is too much. Shay sneaks his large paw under my PJ top and the groan he lets out makes me dizzy, forcing me to gently break away from Lee's kiss. Lee’s shy smile makes me tingle as I stroke his face. I can’t believe I just kissed Lee.

  Absorbed in kissing my neck and fondling me, Shay realises that Lee and I have come up for air and he smirks, growling, “More”, as he pulls my face back to his again. Oh sweet baby Jesus, Shay O'Driscoll currently has his tongue in my mouth, one hand in my hair and the other on my boob. Encouraged by Shay's wilful boldness, I feel Lee's warm hand sneak under my PJ top, claiming his own handful and I’m rendered insensible. What the fuck are we doing? This nonsense continues for a few more seconds before the crick in my neck caused by being snogged at awkward angles, starts to bite.

  I detach myself from Shay's lips and whisper, “Guys, my neck is killing me”, mumbling and blushing.

  They both look a bit startled and guilty as Lee jumps to his feet, surreptitiously adjusting his jeans. Yup, me and my boobs, we did that to you. Both lads mutter something about 'back in a minute' before scarpering and I get up onto Bambi-level shaky legs to pad back down the hall, feeling full scale panic and needing a change of scene. What the hell just happened? What are they doing with me? I sit in wide-eyed darkness in the lounge, contemplating.

  Clutching at the duvet on the floor-bed, I don’t realise that Lee’s back until I feel the mattress beside me dip. I turn to him, panic engulfing me. He’s now just in a pair of black jockey shorts and the t-shirt that he wore to the club. His bare legs are strong, his skin a gorgeous shade of deep mocha.

  “Lee”, I whisper in a wobbly voice, “What are we doing?”

  He shrugs and picks at the carpet, “Shortie, I ain't got no idea but I don't wanna not fuckin' do it”.

  He whispers, “I've wanted to get wiv you since back at that rave in Nath's car. D'you, y'know, feel it too?”, he looks vulnerable suddenly.

  I nod but need to ask him something important, “Lee, have you two ever done anything like this before, y'know....”, I’m not sure what to label this as.

  Lee’s wide eyed, his hands raised, “Nah Shortie, fuck no, no way. I mean, we ain't never into the same girls, we ain't never even been in the same room when we've got wiv a girl, well, 'part from clubs and that. This, this is all fuckin' new”, he nods at me, trying to make sure that I’m convinced.

  His hand reaches up to cup my face, “Wanna kiss you 'gain Lor, yeah?”, he's whispering softly, as he leans closer and my heart stops.

  This kiss is slower, less explosive, his lips soft and warm and almost ticklish. I relish the feel of Lee's twists under my fingertips as my other arm wraps around his broad shoulders. As he rests more of his weight on me and we lean backwards, I feel his erection against the outer edge of my thigh and my breath hitches with shock, causing his grip in my hair to tighten and his kiss to become more pressured.

  “FUCKS SAKE”, Shay scares us both to death from the lounge doorway.

  Lee throws himself backwards off me, looking so comically guilty that a bubble of laughter bursts out from me and I clap my hands over my mouth, looking at Shay for the first time since the bedroom. Holy. Shit. Shay is wearing a pair of grey jockey shorts. That’s all he has on. Shay's chest is too perfect to look at for too long, lest you turn to stone, with the tattoo, a six pack, a v-shaped line pointing down to the danger zone and arms that would make angels weep.

  While I struggle to swallow or breathe, Shay swaggers towards the mattress, “Little Red, shift over”, he flops down next to me as a massive yawn sneaks across my face, tiredness suddenly upon me.

  Lee smiles, “You knackered Shortie? C'mon girl”, Lee starts to grab the pillows and arranges the duvet so that my legs and his are under the covers adding, “Get them lights bruv”.

  Grumbling, Shay gets up, plunging us into cozy darkness as I watch the light from the TV play across his muscles.

  He notices and smirks, “Y'know Little Red, Lee's fuckin' two-one up. You gonna put this right, eh?”, he's back on the mattress, pulling the second half of the covers over his legs as he turns on his side, facing me.

  Behind me, Lee’s wriggling down, his arms folded behind his head. Shay leans closer, his breath whispering across my face, smelling of mint and Fanta, wrapping his arm over my torso as he leans his almost-naked weight on me and snogs me silly on the mattress. The feel of his bare back muscles under my hand, his shaggy blonde hair in my fingers and blissful feel of being under his big, solid frame is overwhelming. He's groaning into the kiss, his hand gently squeezing my boob over the top of my clothing.

  Eventually, he pulls back, propping himself up on his arm, his other hand tracing patterns on my shoulder as he says, “This, I dunno wha'....I mean...fuckin' hell, Lee”, Shay looks over my shoulder at his best mate, like he's looking for help. I've not seen this look before, usually cocky Shay looks a bit lost and unsure.

  Lee, props himself up on his arm, facing us both, “Shay bruv, I ain't got no fuckin' clue what this is and so Shortie, me an’ you, we gotta work shit out, y'know, if this....yeah?”, Lee yawns loudly, “Fuck man, I'm beat”, he lies back down.

  Shay leans down and plants kisses on my face and neck as he whispers, “Thought I'd fucked this up tonight, y'know, when you was gone out tha’ club. You're our girl, yeah?”, he puts his arm around me, my back pressed against his warm, hard chest.

  Throwing my own arm over Lee, I breathe out, “Yeah Shay, I'm your girl too Lee”, and I press a kiss to Lee's t-shirt clad shoulder as his hand wraps over mine.

  Lee mumbles, “You're ours, girl. Go sleep”.

  Theirs.

  Chapter Six

  Sunday 2nd April 1995

  I wake, the curtainless windows allowing a view of grey-skied dawn, hotter than I have ever felt in my life. The cause of the heat is the two large bodies that are wrapped around me, paws placed on various parts of my torso. In sleep Shay looks much younger, a frown on his usually cheeky face as if he's having a hard time in his dream. Close up I can see the sprinkling of spots on his jaw, little marks of old scars scattered over his tanned forehead. I turn gently to the other side and have to suppress a snort as Lee, the coolest lad I've ever met, is slack jawed, his face pressed against my shoulder. Bursting for a wee, I manage to extricate myself pretty stealthily. Shay stirs but doesn't wake, Lee just turns over.

  On the way back to bed a few m
inutes later, I pause in the kitchen to grab a glass of water which I nearly drop as I turn and see Shay leaning against the kitchen door, a sleepy grin on his face.

  “Hey Little Red, give us a swig o' that”, he reaches for my glass, gulping down the rest of it.

  I smile- he's all sleepy and adorable, moving his long limbs lethargically. Even in his sweaty sloppiness, he is ridiculously fit. I can't believe I hold your attention. Taking my hand, he leads me back to the lounge where Lee is face down on his pillow, one arm curled around his head. Shay climbs in and pats the middle of the duvet with a cheeky grin. A bashful eye roll and I'm gently slipping in between them, facing Shay in our little cave of fabric, his arm around my waist.

  Up close, Shay's sapphire eyes are startling, even in the moody pre-dawn light. I trace his tattoo with my finger, intricate lines, wedges, shapes and black shading which cover his left pec, his shoulder and slightly down his arm. There are the parts where the pattern leaves the outline, making its way onto the base of his neck.

  I whisper, “When did you get this? What made you want to do it?”.

  He swallows thickly, “Er, we got them the day they buried Mal. Lee couldn't face goin' to his funeral so we figured we'd get tats instead. Jock fuckin' hit the roof, he'd give us cash from the Social to buy shit for our rooms. We was s'posed to buy pillows and a TV but we come back wi' these instead”, he smirks, entirely unrepentant it appears and his breath smells like malted milk biscuits.