by Nia Lucas
My heart pounding and still feeling a little weird about what’s just happened, I look between the two of them and I plaster on a smile, “Yeah, it's cool. It's good. We're good”, and with a whoop, Shay drags me down the corridor, back to the club.
Laughing and chatting with Justin and the crew after hours, Lee scowls as he holds me tight in his lap, using me as his buffer from having to engage with people. Shay’s being outrageous and making people laugh. I find myself falling harder for him, unclear why on earth this wild, incredible lad is not with somebody prettier, cooler, more.
Justin and I chat, he’s been offered a summer working in Ibiza which he plans to take, “You need to be there Lorn, honestly, bloody Ibiza! You gotta do it, I could help you sort a place to stay and a few starting shifts, c'mon, say yes, pleeeeaaaasseee”, Justin bats his lashes, looking hopeful.
Incredulous, I explain that I have more chance of becoming the Sixth Spice Girl than getting to Ibiza for an entire summer because GCSE's, parents and an entire lack of a clue render it impossible.
Justin pouts, “I’m gonna get you out there next summer Lonely Lorna, I promise you”
Back at the flat, wobbly and tired, we make the giant floor mattresses and pile on in the living room, a sleepy mass of humanity under a duvet. I fall asleep with my back against Shay's bare chest, my arms flung over Lee's t-shirt clad torso as he sleeps on his back.
Sunday 9th April 1995
Watching TV and chilling out in the morning, I pluck up the courage to ask the lads what their plan for managing the dealer's release is. Shay, with less bravado than I expected, explains that they don't feel they have much choice other than to sit tight and wait it out. They can't face a move into the temporary B&B accommodation offered by the Council.
“We done that B&B shit when we was kids, ‘fore we got this place. They're full of fuckin' smack-heads and street girls. It's shit, not doin’ that. It didn't.....it weren't.....it ain't good for us”, Shay looks at Lee with an intensity that makes me frown.
Shay continues, “Them boys? They'll fuck off yeah? They got other shit, me and him, we’re small order. We just got to sit it out”, Shay's looking at Lee like he wants his agreement, that he wants Lee to tell him he's right.
Lee just scowls as Shay keeps going, “We got the motor, them boys ain't gonna get in the block, gavvers on quick call. It'll be OK Lee, don't give me that fuckin' look bruv, you know it”, Shay pleads as Lee rolls his eyes.
I reach out and hold both of their hands, “You need to be so careful, please, please be careful. I really.....I care about you...if you got hurt...”, I break off, suddenly tearful.
The boys have spotted my watery eyes, “You care Shortie, 'bout us?”, Lee's head is cocked to one side.
I look at him and Shay in turn, “Yeah, I care about you two, a lot but you know that, yeah? The stuff we do together?”, I blush crimson, “You need to know that I wouldn't do that if it didn't y'know, mean something”
I look at my hands wrapped in theirs as I mumble, “I’m not like that”, I try and block out the flash of Nico’s face in my head.
Shay kisses me gently, “Little Red, you're our girl, yeah?”, his eyebrows raised in a question.
I nod tearfully, snuggling back into Lee as I waffle on, “But you know that if I'm your girl, then you can't do stupid crap that puts you in danger, 'kay?”, I squeeze their hands.
Two chests rumble either side of me, like bookends. “OK Little Red”. “'kay Shortie”.
At Paddington a few hours later, I tearfully mount the steps of my train home and look over to where they’re standing like two big, moody bookends on the other side of the barrier. Knowing that we’re supposed to be meeting next weekend for the club gig makes it easier to say goodbye but with no clue how on earth I will make it work, I’m on edge. I whisper into the noise of the station, unheard by the people for whom it's intended,
“I love you”
Chapter Seven
Sunday 9th April 1995
Back home long enough to rip the mick out of Dan for the amount of gel in his hair, I throw my coat on and head to Han's in the April evening rain and mist. Han knows I went to London but she remains under the impression that we’re all just ‘mates’, linked by the dancing. Arriving at Han’s house, she hugs me tight when she sees me, grounding me in the familiar. Catching up in her bedroom, it turns out that Chris and Han surprised themselves with a rapid descent into carnal knowledge, both virgins until a Saturday night on the sofa turned into heated fumbling and she and Chris sweetly (and somewhat skilfully by her account) unburdened each other of their virginity.
She sighs wistfully, “Lor, he was so sweet and lovely, he looked as shocked as I did when we realised where it was heading. He didn't pressure me, I wanted to and d'you know what, it was OK”, she smiles shyly.
It’s lovely to have Han so happy and I gratefully throw myself into the chat, keen to distract myself from my more complicated love life.
Han knows me too well though and as I offer a carefully edited account of my busy first week of Easter Holidays, she smells the rat, “OK Davies, cough it up. You're hiding something, what is it?”
I reach for her hand and whisper softly, “Han, I just need you to know that I know the risks, I know what I'm getting into”, I plead as Han frowns warily.
Taking a big breath, I proceed to tell my best friend that I am in a relationship with two lads, that I have been for over a week. To her credit, Han barely flinches.
She looks at me for the longest time and then very slowly leans over, straddling my lap on the bed as she pulls me into a fierce hug and mutters into my hair, “You can tell me anything Lor and I will always be there for you but you understand that the stuff you're describing? It doesn't sound exactly safe or straightforward and I won't let any twat take advantage of you, y'hear?”
Han pulls back, her hazel eyes glaring at me as she urges, “I mean it Lor, you tell me anything and everything. They say or do anything that you don't want, you walk away, 'kay? Lor, you’ve...you’ve had enough shit to handle and you...you deserve to be treated right”, her lip wobbles.
As my eyes water, I squeeze her hands, “OK Han”, I can't resist adding with a wink, “Good straddle skills, Chris is a lucky boy”.
We’re still collapsed on the floor laughing ten minutes later, when Chris throws one of our tennis balls at Han's window and sniggering as we go, we leave the house; Han to meet her boyfriend and me to call mine from the payphone. Both of them.
Monday 10th April 1995
I spend some time with Rosa, catching up on general life and anxiously practising some moves for the Nath’s club gig on Saturday. Rosa’s going home for Easter, Ti collecting her on Saturday and dropping her back on Monday, meaning that sheer dumb luck is on my side to get to London this weekend. Nico is in Italy with his parents for the holiday and I’m confused when the scent of his lemon shower gel in the D’Angelo’s bathroom makes me feel sad. Rosa does not make any overt reference to the nature of my relationship with Lee and Shay, her post-Christening teasing absent. I still refer to them as mates but I’m pretty certain she knows otherwise. Maybe she can’t find the words to ask me although with Rosa, I doubt that. I think it’s more likely she realises that I’ll tell her in my own time.
Back home, I tell my Dad that I'm invited to Rosa's house for Easter and I’m a model daughter for the entire second week of the holidays, keeping the house spotless and the meals coming as I diligently complete my revision, cloaking my deception. Dan takes the relentless piss about my ‘good behaviour’, fully aware that I’m up to no good. When I approach her about staying at Rosa’s, Mum vents a good ten minutes of vitriol about my shortcomings before telling me, “I don’t care what you do”. I get a sharp shove into the worktop as she passes me, her anger needing to be expressed somehow. In bed, I realise that Dad’s never asked me where Rosa actually lives, how I get there or how to contact me.
Saturday 15th April 1995
In my Le
vi's and Han’s Kappa jumper, I’m giddy and chatty in the back of Ti's BMW. Lee’s working today and the prospect of alone time with Shay is making me slightly hysterical as we pull up outside the flat. Rosa and I have plans to meet at the club tonight where I'll be working, nervous as I am about my first London gig.
Rose turns around to grin at me, “You’ll kill it cara, don’t have no worries about tonight. That little arse of yours can proper shake it now, you’ve got skills”, she cackles.
Now confident in their world, Ti drops me at the flats. Waving him and Rose goodbye, I head to the entrance and buzz their flat. I wait. And wait. As somebody comes out I zoom in through the open main door, scuttling up the stairs to their floor. The flat is dark as I look through the letterbox, a shout for Shay through the gap is met with silence. Shit.
Resigned to being perched on the corridor floor for some time, potentially until Lee comes home from work, I'm startled by the sound of a loud argument echoing as the lift doors open.
“Seamus, you heard wha' tha' officer said, the same as I did”, Jock's voice is tight and angry.
I hear Shay, “Jock, they're all fuckin' shit stirrin', it ain't...Little Red!”, Shay turns the corner and sees me, his smile weak and his blue eyes tired.
Conscious that Jock is here, we greet each other with a platonic hug but I'm aching to kiss him and find out what's going on.
Jock gruffs, “Sorry we kept yous waiting lassie, had a wee meeting at the Police Station tae attend”, Jock shoots daggers at the back of Shay's head as he fumbles with the key.
As we all walk into the flat, Jock roars his disapproval, “For the love o' mercy, do yous lanky streaks o' piss ever tidy this flat up? This wee lassie cannae stay here. Seamus, tha' kitchen is a fecking disgrace”,
Jock strides into the living room, swearing under his breath as I follow him, Shay left behind in the kitchen.
I whisper nervously, “Jock, is Shay OK? With the police station, I mean?”
Jock sighs deeply. “No darlin', no, he's no OK”, I nod with eyes wide and go to find Shay in the kitchen, he’s leaning with his elbows resting on the worktop, his hands clasped as if in prayer, his head bowed.
I walk slowly over to him, “Shay?”, he doesn't answer, he just shakes his head.
I wrap my arms around his waist, pressing my face into his jacket-clad back. His breathing is shallow and we stay like that as the kettle boils itself silly in the corner. I release him and make tea, remembering from the café that Jock takes an infeasible amount of sugar.
Shay looks defeated when he turns to me, his voice croaky, “Little Red, you need to go stay wi' Ti's girl. It ain't...it ain't safe here”, he looks at me with the saddest eyes.
I don't know what to say so I just take Jock his tea. Shay follows me into the lounge, flopping onto the sofa as I lean against the wall by the scuffed door frame.
Jock’s tone is soft, “Seamus, if they've got reason tae suspect that yous will be the victims of a retaliation attack, tha' thing”, Jock waves to the panic alarm on the flat wall, “is nae fucking use when yous are out there is it? Eh? Now I know wha' it means tae Leon tae move intae temporary B&B accommodation, I do understand tha' but Christ lad, you need tae be realistic”, Jock's tone is pleading but Shay's face is entirely closed down.
I see Jock slump in defeat as Shay grumbles, “Nah, Jock, it ain't happenin'. We'll be cool here, we keep it low”. Shay carries on in the face of Jock's head-shaking disapproval, “Lee can't fuckin' handle goin' to one of them places again Jock, you know it, you know wha’ happened. We're gonna be cool here Jock, don't fuckin' stress”, Shay nods affirmatively.
Jock huffs a few breaths, looking at me then back at Shay, “This wee lassie shouldnae be here, you got somewhere else you can stay young lady?”, Jock looks at me.
I shake my head but Shay jumps in, “Yeah you fuckin' do Little Red”, he glares at my mulish expression.
“Right”, Jock stands up, “Here's what you will do, you stubborn wee bastard, you will tidy this place up, you will carry ma number wi' you at all fucking times and you willnae take unnecessary risks. OK?”, Jock glares at Shay, who reluctantly nods and looks back down at his knees.
Jock turns to me, “And you, ma wee darlin', you will take yoursel' tae stay someplace else and see these wallopers away from this estate for the time being. OK?”, I nod, no intention at all of complying.
The silence after Jock leaves is painful. I don't know what to say and Shay clearly doesn’t want to talk as he slopes off to his room. I spot Shay's house keys on the side and with a shout of “I'll be back in a minute”, I head off to the shop.
As I walk the streets around the flat, my anxiety grows, terrified by the seriousness of what Jock has said. This is not a game, this is very, very real. Shay's emotional retreat scares me and I am wounded by his plans to turf me out, it feels as if my welcome is overstayed. At the corner shop, I fill two carrier bags with shopping, thankful that my wages cash flow is still healthy and my tips from the pub generous. Jolted from my thoughts, my walk back to the flat is interrupted by a large group of lads their faces obscured with hoods and dark scarves zooming past me on bikes. On foot, one of them circles me on the pavement, silent but menacing as he looks me up and down. To my dismay, they congregate outside the entrance to the flats, their voices sharp with hostility, their sinister laughs putting every nerve in my body on alert as they start to cat call and shout, directing their attention at me. I push through the group, the token on Shay’s key letting me into the lobby as the doors thankfully click shut behind me. In the lift, my breathing is ragged and my heart is still racing as I dump the shopping in the kitchen.
The club gig tonight is now so far down on my list of priorities, despite the nerves that I feel, that I start to panic and before I can stop it a sob leaves my mouth and I’m blinded by tears.
“Lor, you cryin'?”, Shay's voice from the doorway is soft and gentle, the first affection he’s shown since I arrived and this makes me further dissolve.
He swears under his breath before moving to hold me tight as I sniffle, “I'm scared Shay, I'm so scared for you and Lee. I...these boys outside, they...I want to be here with you. Please don't send me away, please”, I sob pathetically into his chest.
Shay slowly pulls back from the hug, kissing my face, brushing my salty lips with his and pulling me into a kiss that feels empty, there's no Shay in it. This isn’t a real kiss, this is solace, an attempt to mask despair.
He sighs, resting his forehead against mine as he murmurs, “You can't stay here Little Red, them boys been plannin' somethin'. This week, there's been shit gone down, somethin's fuckin' comin'. You stay here, you're gonna get hurt”, he presses another sad kiss to my lips.
My face hardens, “I won't go Shay, I need to know that you're OK. I'm not going to Rosa's”, my voice is wobbly.
Shay stands back, his blue-eyes suddenly narrowed and cold, “Girl, me an’ him can’t be worried ‘bout you when we got shit to handle. If I say I can't be doin' with this no more, that this here with us is finished, you’d best fuckin’ go then, eh?”, my heart stops and I stare at him, stunned.
He just stares and then turns away, swearing under his breath, his fists balled.
I whisper to his back, “Shay, do you mean that? I'll go... if you mean it?”, I can't look at him, I can't watch him deliver the blow.
Not turning to look at me, he grinds out, “Yeah, I fuckin' mean it, we're done”, and he walks away without looking back, slamming his bedroom door as I gasp down the bile that floods my stomach, my whole body shaking.
I stumble to the lounge and ring Rosa's house but the phone rings out. With those boys potentially outside, I’m stuck here for the time being. Shay has finally come to his senses. I’m not worth the trouble. In my distress, I copy out the phone numbers that are taped on the lounge wall, slipping them into my purse. I write down my number and the pub’s main number, stuffing them in Shay's wallet, hoping that somehow, this might keep me linked
to him. Two hours later, despite repeated attempts to get hold of Rosa, I'm sitting in the lounge staring into space when the sound of a key in the front door makes my heart race.
Lee's voice is frantic from the hallway, “Shay, SHAY you here bruv?”, I hear Shay's bedroom door fly open as Lee laughs nervously.
Gasping for breath Lee pants out, “Bruv, them boys are down the road again, scoping the fuckin' place. I ain't seen that many ‘fore. I had to duck round the back, couldn't see the car. Shit Shay, I ain't run like that since the Feds at Christmas”, they’re both laughing and I feel anger prickle at their cavalier attitude to their own safety.
I hear them go into the kitchen as Shay fills Lee in on the police station visit, he and Lee convincing themselves that they are invincible if they keep a low profile. It's total bollocks. Shay makes it sound like he’d just had a casual conversation about the weather with the police.
Lee asks, “Where's Shortie at? She not here yet then?”
Shay mumbles and Lee's voice changes, “What? She's here? Lor? You hidin' girl?”, Lee's laugh trails off and I can almost hear the confused looks being exchanged in the kitchen.
“What the FUCK you done now Shay?”, Lee sounds angry and I hear his footsteps coming down the hallway.
I smile up at him weakly from the sofa, “Hey Lee, you had a good day?”, before my lip wobbles and I have to stare at the TV to calm down as tears track down my face.
He's wearing a black hoodie, blue baggy jeans and a baseball cap with NYC on the front and he looks tired. Lee hisses under his breath and he reaches down and scoops me into a massive hug, squashing my wobbly lips into the sort of kiss that would normally melt me. Right now, I'm just seeking reassurance that somebody still wants me here.