Choices Shape, Losses Break

by Nia Lucas

  Lee takes me by the hand into the kitchen, his grip firm, “Why she crying bruv? What the fuck?”, Lee sounds angry as I look at the floor.

  Shay looks up at him, lip curled in a sneer, “She wouldn't fuckin' leave, y'know, Jock said she ain't safe here. Man, we got shit to sort and I ain't got time for this”, Shay tone is cold as he points at me dismissively.

  Lee however looks furious, his face rigid and his jaw jutting, “You ain't got time for this? Fuck off man, you been on 'bout her comin’ all week, don't chat shit. Is this coz me and her got close? Is that what this is?”

  Shay looks angry suddenly, “You know tha's not the deal, don't start tha' shit. This is 'bout us dealin' wi' them cunts. You know it Lee, you fuckin' know it. It's just me and you bruv gotta deal with this”, Shay looks at Lee, who is staring in clenched-jaw silence.

  Neither of them are looking at me and the silence is agonising.

  Lee’s voice is barely audible, “Shortie, you go stay wiv Ti's girl after the club tonight, 'kay? Me and him, we just gotta get this dealt wiv, yeah?”, he's holding my hand but the way that his gaze darts to and from Shay suggests that reassuring me is not his primary concern. Shay's hostile gaze when he looks my way makes my chest hurt.

  My voice is wobbly, “Are you both finishing with me then?”, I don't dare look up but I hear movement from across the room, footsteps leaving, door slamming and Shay is gone.

  Lee, in what feels like slow motion, drops my hand, “Shortie, I...it ain't...we gotta sort this shit out, I.....fuck this man, FUCK”, I jump when I hear Lee's foot connect repeatedly with one of the kitchen units, the sound of splintering particleboard filling the air.

  The tears are falling down my cheeks without any restraint and as I hear a final vicious kick to the kitchen door, Lee too is gone. Game over. I've been dumped. I haven’t felt a pain like this before. It’s like being unable to scream whilst burning alive. Slag, slut.

  With nowhere else to go, I sit alone in the kitchen until 8pm when we leave the flat in silence for the shift at the club. I walk ahead of them, out of the lobby and into the April chill without any hesitation, I don't care now about those marauding threats. I walk though the gloomy car park hidden beneath the flats like a zombie and wait for them by the car as Shay and Lee jog over, their nervousness evident. I'm too lost to register any concern. I don’t look their way once. Shay speeds through the streets in silence as I stare out the Escort window, willing this night to be over soon, willing Monday's lift home to come faster. I want Rosa, I don't want to be here now, it’s become yet another place where I’m not wanted. Where I don’t belong.

  We park in a run down side street near Kings Cross, exiting the car in silence. The massive Victorian warehouse buildings which make up the club are dark and menacing, the nervousness I feel offering little light relief from my misery as Lee leads us down towards the main door. Shifting my bag onto my shoulder, I realise that although I’ve got my dancing gear for tonight, I’ve left my main bag with all my stuff at theirs. I meant to bring it with me, to prevent me needing to go back to their flat. Shit. I hear Justin's voice as we enter the building and overtaking Lee and Shay, I run to him and hug him tight, his bony little frame offering me the comfort I've been looking for all afternoon.

  My tears reach Justin's neck and he gasps, “Hey Lonely Lorna, oh sweetheart, why the tears?”, his voice is kind but he's already looking accusingly at the boys, answering his own question.

  I shake my head, wiping my tears as I fake a smile, “Nothing, it's daft. Right, let’s do this, eh? This place is massive”, I put my arm through his and let him lead me in, the boys sloping behind us.

  A sheepish Nath greets us in the staff room and with a grimace of apology for being, “A fucking twat the other week” we re-establish cordial relations until he shows me the outfit that he wants me to wear; silver low-rise knickers and a silver Lycra crop top with a pretty, multiple spaghetti-strap shoulder design. I will be dancing in, quite literally, my pants. Brilliant. I scowl at Nath and he laughs, handing the silent twosome in the corner some coordinating silver jeans and black vests. From across the room, I can feel Lee's relief that he doesn't have to argue for a t-shirt and my tears threaten to return. The lads will be dancing in another room in this enormous club, causing a twinge of relief that I won't have to watch them or be near them all night and as I head off to get changed, Shay and Lee slope off God knows where.

  Thirty minutes later with my trainers and fluffies on, gauntlets on arms and my hair up in a high ponytail, I feel a bit like a warrior in my armour as I head to the office. The boys are not there which is a massive relief but Justin is.

  He walks over smiling, “Looking good girl! So, c'mon, what the fuck has happened between you three? You turn up in tears, and they're yelling at each other in the loos. They've pissed off Christ knows where. What's going on?”, Justin looks worried.

  Fighting a lip wobble, I shrug and whisper, “I might need some new plans if Luca was serious about the Festival Justin coz I won't have a lift now”, I ignore the sound of my heart shredding in my chest as Justin frowns, pulling me into a cuddle and forgoing further questions.

  When Shay and Lee walk back into the staff room an hour later, Lee's gaze is fierce as he slumps in a chair, his whole demeanour tense as I watch his fist clench and unclench. Propped against the wall, Shay looks bored, he looks like he'd rather be anywhere else. Neither of them look at me, the tension giving me a headache.

  I try to salvage friendship from this wreckage as I babble, “I can't believe that I have to wear a pair of silver knickers in front of all these people. Er, Lee I forgot my bag, can I swing by yours and get it on the way to Rosa's? You guys want a drink....?”, I trail off as Shay shakes his head in frustration.

  He looks up, sneering at me, his sapphire eyes cold and his lips turned up with derision as he spits out, “Girl, you need to go chat your shit someplace else. We're done, take a fuckin' hint. Just fuck off, yeah?”, and all the breath leaves my body as my blood turns to ice.

  I look frantically at Lee, hoping to see him defend and protect me, explain perhaps that Shay's joking. He doesn't. Lee stares at his knees, his jaw taut and his eyes shaded from my view. He'll never choose you, stupid girl. Slut, slag. I can't breathe, I actually can't breathe. Here in a pair of silver knickers and stupid fluffies, I feel so stung with rejection that I fully expect to look down and see my body covered in welts. I flee the room, running God knows where but just wanting to hide and to never see them again. I’m too mortified to even cry. My mother's voice is screaming insults in my head, Emelia Hunt's voice sneering in tandem, Charlie is taunting, every insecurity bubbling to the surface, reminding me that I don’t belong anywhere, that I am wanted nowhere. Slut, slag.

  I stand in a dark corner, legs slightly apart, arms outstretched and I start to roll my hips, trying to silence the voices. I imagine pieces of armour clamping to my body until I’m fully bonded. When I dance, I’m bullet-proof. Fuck them. Fuck every single one of them. I’m good at this.

  I manage to avoid Shay and Lee all night, I’ve no clue if they’re here or if they left and I ignore the sharp pain under my ribs. The music is OK albeit a bit heavier than I'm familiar with but I dance with total abandon, using the rails of the podium for some more athletic moves. Rosa arrives at about midnight with a group of her mates and they point at my outfit, making me smile. I do a mock courtesy in between flips and twists, my heartbreak masked with silliness. On a break, I find Rosa and drag her to a quiet corner to tell her that I need to stay at hers, that the boys and I have had a big row and that we are finished as mates. I reassure her that I’m fine and that it's just what it is, lying to mask my pain. Rosa could not look less convinced but to avoid crying on her, I wink and wiggle off back to my podium.

  The shift flies by and I end up chatting with Nath about the regular Saturday night gig at Luca’s residency in Farringdon. I agree to consider even though I can’t really picture how I’d make that happen.
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br />   “Right Lorna, you need me to sort a lift for you to that festival, eh? I’ve got some security lads working it too- want me to get them to pick you up?”, Nath’s over-gelled hair glints in the office lights.

  I feel my chest hurt as I plaster on a smile, “Uhuh, Nath, that’d be great actually”, he gives me an awkward wink.

  Justin’s stupidly excited about Ibiza, giddy as we chat. He’ll be back in the UK at the end of June just for the Festival, the two of us a bit hyped at the prospect of a weekend of festival fun. The whole time we’re chatting, I feel weirdly disconnected, the blood roaring in my ears. The floor feels like it’s wobbling under my feet as I try to act like I’ve not just lost my place in Lee and Shay’s world.

  Nath's handing me my money, his arm slung awkwardly over my shoulder when the door bangs behind us. I turn to see Shay and Lee, fresh from the club and sweaty, glaring at Nath from the doorway. I dampen down the wrench I feel in my chest as I give Nath a hug, feeling Lee and Shay's eyes on me as I walk over to the doorway.

  I mutter at the floor, “Rosa will come by yours in a bit to get my bag, you're heading back there yeah?”, my voice is wobbly, despite my bravado.

  I see Lee nodding from the corner of my eye and I can't stop myself saying the next thing, even as my feet are moving out of the door, “Take care yeah? Both of you. Be safe”, without waiting for a response I run for the loos, where I weep the top layer of tears that I can’t hold in, the pain too acute to suppress.

  Eventually I change, shake myself and go to find Rosa, taking her hand as she leads me to the taxi that she's found. We pull into The Farm with Rosa planning to go into the flat and get my bag. In the back seat, I’m silently praying that Rose won’t de-bollock the lads like she’s threatening to when I get a spike of fear run down my spine. I shiver and grip Rosa's hand because through the windscreen, I can see a group of big lads in hoods, face scarves and black clothing running up the road away from the flats past our taxi. They’re older than the group that scared me today, these are grown men. They’re shouting and noisy but they are running really fast. They seem giddy, jubilant, anxious, guilty. I whimper and panic sets in.

  I gabble, “Rose, did you see Shay and Lee leave the club? Were they gone before us?”, my voice is rising, fear crawling across my skin.

  Rose frowns, nodding, “Yeah they went about fifteen minutes ahead of us, moody fuckers never even said 'hi'”, she's looking baffled.

  Acid pumps through my veins, “Ohmygod, ohmygod, please sir, please drive faster”, I lean forward, begging the driver, who looks confused in the rear view.

  We pull up in front of the entrance and without a word, I fly out of the cab, making the driver and Rosa shout in alarm as I head for the car park to look for the Escort. I'm running because right now, I’m more scared than I’ve ever been in my whole life. I fly round the corner into the car park, my hair whipping around my face. I spot the Escort but my relief lasts less than a second because I hear Lee and my world crashes. Lee's kneeling on the oil-stained concrete floor by the side of the car, urging Shay to hold on, to keep breathing, to stay with him. He’s doing that because Shay is lying in a massive pool of blood.

  I scream and I run towards them, “SHAY!! Ohmygod! ROSE, ROSE get an ambulance, get the police, ROSE! Somebody help”, I’m begging, my panic screamed into the frosty air.

  I hear Rose’s confusion in the distance, I'm aware of the taxi driver shouting in shock and then Rosa’s hysterics as she sees what’s happened but as I throw myself onto the cold concrete next to Lee, his hands absolutely bathed in blood, I think that it might all be too late. I’m whimpering and screaming simultaneously, babbling nonsense because Shay is dying.

  Shay's eyes are rolling and he’s deathly pale, his breathing fast and shallow. The blood, oh Jesus, the blood. It's fucking everywhere, it's all over us. Shay’s covered in it, his T-shirt entirely red, his jeans the same. I'm screaming for Rosa to hurry with an ambulance. In my panic, I take in a few details. Shay’s got at least four holes in the thighs of his jeans and several in his t-shirt, one of which in the centre of his chest pulsing out blood. Recalling my first aid training from school, I push my hands against this wound, applying pressure. I wriggle out of my coat and my t-shirt, not caring that my bra is exposed, using the cloth to place pressure over the area that seems to contain what I’m pretty sure are stab wounds. I babble to him, I tell him he's going to be fine, that he has to hold the fuck on. Shay’s not obviously conscious, his breathing is shallow and the blood just keeps pouring from his beautiful body. I can't get it to stop, I can't fix this. I'm sobbing and shaking uncontrollably as I press harder on his chest while a horror-stricken Lee looks like his world is ending.

  Rosa's panting as she shouts, “The ambulance is coming, the taxi driver’s rung them. They're coming”, I can hear her crying as she approaches.

  Lee jerks into life, his voice croaky, “Ring them again, say he's been fuckin' shanked, if they think he's been shot, the don't come straight off, they wait for the Feds. Tell them it was a blade, FUCKIN' NOW”, Lee roars and Rosa runs off again, sobbing loudly.

  I look at him in desperation, “Lee, Lee what do we do? What do we do?”, I'm crying

  Lee's face is a mask of terror as he urges, “Push on them holes, just fuckin' push on them, try and keep his blood in”

  Lee's voice cracks and he starts to frantically beg, breaking my heart, “Bruv, you fuckin' hold on Shay, you don't fuckin' die, you hear me? I need you bruv, don't you leave me too, don't you leave me Shay” and as he pleads, I’m sobbing, shivering uncontrollably.

  I babble, “Shay it's all going to be OK, hold on Shay. I love you, I love you so much just hold on, please”, I feel his blood seeping between my fingers and my clothes, warm and sticky and I’m screaming as blood starts to bubble from his mouth, trickling from his full lips as his chest makes awful noises.

  As we watch his breathing slow, we gabble reassurance, we beg him to just keep living, pointlessly running our hands over his body trying to fix the carnage.

  Seconds or perhaps hours later- I can't tell- I hear the sirens and Lee's agonised pleas get more frantic. I take a second to look at Lee and cold terror sweeps through me as I see for the first time the slashes on his arms and his hands, I see that there is a slash down the bottom of his t-shirt. This blood that we are drowning in, it is not 100% O'Driscoll.

  I scream, “Oh FUCK, Lee you're hurt, you're hurt too. Oh GOD Lee”, my sobs are frantic now. Unable as I am to move my hands from Shay, I want to touch Lee, to know that he is still there, that he’s not dying too,

  “Where are you hurt Lee, TELL ME”, I'm panicking that there’s an as yet unseen menace waiting for us.

  He starts to slump on the floor, “My gut, they got my gut”, he whimpers, Rosa's running back to us and she’s hysterical.

  I’m screeching again, “Lee's hurt Rosa, Lee's hurt too, tell them, tell them there's two hurt people. NOW”, I'm sobbing now, Lee slumping further on his haunches as the sirens scream into the car park, the blue lights illuminating the true horror of what we’re dealing with.

  I’m screaming, “Lee, you fucking stay with me, you stay with me. I love you Lee, I love you so much, stay with me”, as Lee starts to lose consciousness, it seems to bring people faster and I’m surrounded by green-clad legs and equipment and soothing tones and hands.

  The boys are quickly surrounded by people and a firm pair of hands pull me away, wrapping me in a blanket and checking me over. There’s so much going on, so many people moving things, shouting rapid fire updates to each other as my sobs provide a background noise. Shay has wires in him, tubes in his mouth, he has needles in his arm, his shirt is gone and his trousers too. He'll be so cold. People are wiping Shay and pressing at him, his gorgeous perma-tanned skin coated in blood. Lee has a mask on his face, his shirt gone too and his jeans are being cut off. I suddenly feel sick and running to the edge of the car park, I throw up what little food I've eaten today, crying and wailing. Ros
a runs to me followed by a female police officer who strokes my back kindly. I hear walkie-talkies, “critical”, “two victims”, “Crash team”, “multiple stab wounds”, “cardio-thoracic puncture”, “cardiac arrest” and I cry more.

  There are trolleys and more ambulances and Shay is being shocked and I’m on my knees in agony as a roaring noise fills my head. The trolleys move and I don't know who is where, I can't see, they're under silver foil blankets.

  There’s a voice close to my ear, “Miss, can you confirm this is Seamus O'Driscoll and Leon Barrett?”, a police officer bends down to catch my eye.

  I nod and there is a volley of walkie talkie communication before he turns back to me, “Miss, what's your name”, I look at him, wondering for second if I should fake an identity, if I should try and avoid getting in any deeper but I'm passed caring.

  “Lorna, my name's Lorna but we need to call Jock, he's their Social Worker”, and I'm sobbing again, turning blindly in circles looking for my purse with Jock's number.

  The officer pats my arm, “OK Lorna, we'll call him and drive you to the hospital. You too Miss”, he nods at Rosa and I allow myself to be led to the police car, my bloodied and shaking hand clasping Rosa's.

  I’m unable to interact, it's like I’m under water. All I can smell is blood, all I can feel is blood. It makes my skin crawl. Rosa clings to my hand in the back of the police car, I feel her trembling but we sit in silence as tears stream down my face unchecked. At the hospital, we’re ushered into a side room, the curtains drawn around us as Rosa and I cling to each other sobbing. A kind nurse comes in and offers me a pair of scrubs to put on instead of my blood-soaked clothes, she also gives me a towel and points me towards a bathroom. I cannot let go of Rosa and she comes with me, not batting an eyelid when in a daze I strip naked in front of her and stand under the shower as the water runs red then pink .