by Nia Lucas
Scoffing, I call bullshit on that. Why did Shay reject me in the hospital after the worst had already happened? Where the fuck have they been for weeks? Why was he so cruel to me if he cares? Bullshit.
Han looks like she needs a lie down as she squawks, “Lorn, HAVE YOU SEEN THEM? Those aren't boys like you described, those are men Lorn. They are gorgeous men”, Han's incredulity makes me burst out laughing.
I smirk, “Yes Han, I have seen them, in fact, I have seen all of them, as well you know”, and I snort wryly.
Rosa jumps off the vanity counter, “I FUCKING KNEW IT!!”, she points at me accusingly, “Mates, my arse. You are a greedy bitch, Jailbait”, snorting I roll my eyes.
Reality bites once more and I sigh, “Look, I'll hear what they have to say but that’s it. Me and them are done, I don’t know what we thought we were playing at anyway. It was completely ridiculous and it’s over. The end”, I nod to convince them both but judging by the looks they give, I fail.
I take a deep breath, “Right, let me get this over and done with”, and we exit the loos like Charlie's Angels.
I know immediately where they are. All I have to do is follow the direction of stares of every girl in the vicinity. Taking another deep breath, I feel my hair tickle my bare back, I feel my fingers itch from the nerves, I feel their eyes on me. As the thumping music turns to white noise, I turn. Lee is wearing a sleeveless basketball shirt and even from here, I can see the fresh scars that now mar his arms and hands. His eyes are boring into me and his hair is shorter, making his twists more 'spiky'. Shay’s wearing his tight, short-sleeved mechanics shirt, his face a mask of uncertainty, his strong arms tense. His dirty-blond hair is falling into his eyes and I watch him push it back in irritation. They both look like an advert for a cool aftershave and they’re staring at me. With an unintentional sway in my hips bourne from nervousness, I walk towards them, eyes down. When I look up, they’re looming over me, their mixed scents making me want to cry.
I snap, “Why are you here?”, harsher than I intended.
Shay barks a laugh, “Jesus Little Red, it's fuckin' nice to see you too”
The laugh dies in his throat as I sneer at him, “Sorry Shay, I've been too busy 'fucking off' to practice my manners”, I snarl, the Scouse in my accent broad, taking satisfaction in Shay's shamefaced expression.
I turn to Lee with a kinder tone, “Lee, you better?”, he nods, his eyes sad and his face unreadable.
I nod at Shay, “And you, all healed?”, I mentally kick myself for the wobble in my voice.
Shay looks at me intensely, “Yeah Little Red, thanks to you and him, yeah I'm fuckin' sound. Lor, I wanna.....”,
I cut him off with my hand raised, “Don't Shay. Just. Don't. I'm so glad you're OK, I’ve never been so scared in my whole life, I thought...I thought that you two...”, I have to stop because my lip is trembling and I have no intention of crying now.
The boys look hopeful, their eyebrows are raised and they’ve each moved towards me slightly but I’m having none of it.
I bark, “Look, you made it clear how you felt, so you don't need to say anything else, yeah? It's OK, we’re over and that’s probably for the best, we were stupid to think it would work between us”. Lee's responding wince makes me actually feel sick, it’s painful to hurt him.
I start to back away, “I guess I won't see you guys again so take care, yeah? I’ve gotta go”, I turn on my heel, my heart thumping miserably.
Shay's voice rings out clearly over the loud music. “You said you loved me Little Red. I fuckin' heard you”, my blood runs cold.
He carries on, my back still turned to him, “And Lee, he says you told him the same, tha’ you loved him too. You mean it Little Red?”, his voice is tight, his words a higher pitch than normal.
I sag, I didn't expect this. I turn slowly and look at them both, their eyes wide and waiting. What’s the point in lying?
I take a step closer so that I don't have to shout, “Yeah, I meant it but what does it matter? You told me to 'Fuck Off'”, I shrug hopelessly.
It's Lee that speaks, “An’ now, Shortie? What you feelin' now?”, his words are soft, like a rumble.
I look at him, eyes blazing as my temper flares, “Now, I feel like somebody who got told to fuck off, I feel like somebody who has heard nothing for four weeks. I feel like somebody who was a bit stupid for saying those things to people that she didn't know very well. Look, I need to go”, and I turn away.
Lee steps closer, Shay too, their arms are brushing mine, their breath breezing against my bare shoulder.
Shay’s the one that speaks, “What if we told you tha' we... tha' we fuckin' miss you Little Red? Tha' we wanna make it righ’?”, Shay lifts his hands, his fingers tugging softly on my hair, my eyes closing at his touch.
I whimper but step away. I can't do this. No.
I turn and look directly at him, “I think I'd probably say that it's too late and that we were stupid to think that this thing with the three of us was going to work. I need to go. It was good to see you both, y'know, now you're not bleeding to death”, I smile through a sob and walk away, not looking back.
I join the girls on the dance floor, faking normalcy as we mess about. I’m managing to pretend, I think I’ve convinced myself I’m OK until Lee leans over the metal railing that surrounds the dance floor wall while Shay, bolder as always, comes onto the dance floor with arms folded. They watch me dance from a distance while I have to focus all my effort on ignoring them and not falling on the floor and crying.
Han, Nico and Chris head with Ti to the bar, leaving Rosa and I on our own dancing and that's when those bastards strike.
Shay's arm slips round my waist like it’s never been away, his big, warm, alive body up against mine. Lee, smooth like oil, is in front of me, gripping my hip and moving with me. It's like poetry, like magic and I’m lost in them, lost in how they make me feel. It feels like falling but then I land because Shay has started to kiss my neck and Lee is pressed against my hip and I burst into tears, an unexpected yet effective deterrent. They jump away from me as an irate Nico, who’s spotted my distress, storms back onto the dance floor like a prize fighter, squaring up to Shay and throwing a powerful punch. It's deflected but the bouncers have seen it and all hell breaks loose. Each lad is grabbed and roughly handled, my shouts about Shay and Lee's still-healing injuries ignored. Nico’s putting up the biggest fight, his protective response to Shay's attempt to seduce me giving him the greatest motivation and I see the bouncers take him out first, causing me to call for Han to get my coat as I follow him. Shay, who has a limp, and Lee hold their hands up and go quietly, no manhandling needed.
Outside, Nico and I have relocated down the side alley of this out-of-town shopping centre nightclub.
He's pacing, “That's them, Lorn yeah? That's the lads you know from London, the ones Rose told me about, the ones that got stabbed?”, I try and still him, my hand on his arm but he shrugs me off and keeps pacing, his voice tight, “The blond one, he's the one that you told me you liked, ages ago, isn't he? The one you said you could only be mates with? If that's him, I'd say he's pretty fucking into you now cara”, he stops pacing and leans against the wall, breathing deeply and looking fed up, his dark head bowed in defeat.
I touch his arm, “Nico, yes, er, Shay was the one but it’s over, finished”, I’m omitting Lee and it feels painful.
Nico looks up through his lashes, “'Lorn, I still mean it, y’know, about me and you. I want us to….we’d be good together, wouldn’t we?”, he kicks the brickwork of the exterior wall, staring at me.
I try to placate, “Nico it's late. Let’s just go back to Chris' and hang out there, please?”, I touch his arm.
Rolling his eyes, he nods slowly, as we walk back towards the taxi rank.
He mumbles grumpily, “Davies, just keep that fucker away from me or I'll fucking twat him. Again”, and with a chuckle, Nico and I walk hand in hand to look for the others.
The whole group is congre
gated in the car park by Ti's BMW, Han seems unable to stop staring at Shay and Lee which in turn has clearly rattled Chris.
Rosa approaches rapidly, “Cara, my IDIOT BOYFRIEND”, Rosa turns to Ti as she says this, “Has told those two that they can crash with us. At his house”, Rosa points at Chris who bristles and shakes his head, looking at Nico.
Rosa sighs, “They have nowhere to stay coz Ti is taking them home with me tomorrow, WHERE THEY WILL FUCKING STAY”, she glares at the boys, “but we have to sort something for tonight”, she cocks her eyebrows and I sag into a crouch, hugging my mini-skirt-bared legs in despair.
Looking up, I grimace at a pissed-off looking Nico. With a huff and an eye-roll, he turns to Chris and reluctantly, Chris agrees. Shay and Lee at least have the decency to look uncomfortable at the imposition as they follow Ti to his car. The rest of us get in taxis.
Back at Chris', I still can’t look at either of them, every nerve in my body on edge. Nico watches Shay like a hawk, something that Shay has realised and is playing up to, posturing and smirking as Nico stays glued to me. Lee’s silently scowling and watchful and I find myself physically unable to be near him. It hurts too much. In the chaos, Chris and Han make up the sofas into beds, Shay flirting and telling Han that he appreciates it. She goes red and giggles a lot as Chris scowls before steering her off to his room. Shay and Lee are here in my world and it’s too hard to handle. I have to do the sensible thing and walk away from them, from the sense of belonging that they let me taste before they snatched it away from me. I have to walk away from the ridiculous notion of us. With the sofas now taken, Nico and I actually do have to share Chris’ toddler brother’s room as I’m the only one small enough to fit in the mini-bed . I turn away from Lee and Shay and follow Nico upstairs, a soft, “'night”, whispered in their direction as I go. I see their stony faces in the stairway mirror and I have to swallow down a sob.
In the dark, there’s a tension between Nico and I that feels like static, his incredible green eyes are watching my every move and once settled, we listen to each other’s breathing, tingles making me unsettled.
With a gentle huff of breath, Nico reaches up from the floor by my bed and gently holds my hand. “Go to sleep Lorn, eh?”, his warm hand in mine oddly soothing.
Nico’s breathing relaxes as he falls asleep but I’m hyper alert because I can feel them downstairs, I can sense them. The pull of them is too strong to ignore. As Nico snores softly from the floor beneath I get a moment of startling clarity: Someone who’s done the things I have,I don’t deserve the goodness of Nico, I don’t deserve something whole. The inclusion I felt in Shay and Lee’s outsider status, that time with them in their scrutiny-free world; it evaporated for a short time the heaviness that I feel about being me. Nico, he’s anchored here, in a world that judges and will judge me. Kind, gorgeous Nico, with parents who love him, he deserves better than me. It’s three am and I’ve watched the Teletubbies clock on the wall tick through an entire sixty minutes. I know I can't stay here, I belong somewhere else.
As I descend the stairs, the street lamps outside illuminate the two watchful and awake figures currently lying on the sofas. I get to the bottom step and stand there, twisting my t-shirt in my fingers.
My voice is a whisper in the quiet room, “Did you mean it?”
Lee sits up slowly, Shay following on the other sofa. His bare chest now has new geography, the scars vivid despite the gloom although surprisingly small for the damage they caused.
Shay whispers, “Mean wha', Little Red?”
My voice wobbles, “That you missed me?”, I can't look at them.
Shay swings his legs round, his jockey shorts revealing more scars on his legs, I feel my knees buckle and I sit abruptly on the bottom step. Lee mirrors Shay's action and I see the full extent of his arm scars. Survival scars.
Shay croaks softly. “Yeah, we miss you Little Red, shit ain't the same wi'out you. I'm so fuckin' sorry Lor for wha’ I said, I never meant it, I just needed to get my head straigh’ but I know I fucked up. I'm so fuckin' sorry”, he's shaking his head and picking at the blanket, not looking at me.
My tears start to fall as Lee whispers, “You wiv that Nico kid Shortie?”, his tone is cautious.
I shake my head, looking up with a wet face as I mumble, “No, we’re just mates”, I look defiantly at Lee, his face blank.
Shay croaks out, “You missed us too, Little Red? Honest, it’s fucked up wi'out you”, Shay looks up, his eyes pleading.
Lee picks up, “That night? If you never come by when you did? Who the fuck would have helped me? Him”, Lee points at Shay, “He's only alive coz of you”, Lee stands and moves towards me, his strong body halts a few yards from where I’m sitting.
I’m crying now, snotty, wet sobs as I gasp, “I was so scared, I thought you'd die, Shay's blood was everywhere and I didn't know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about it”, my words are all lost in my hiccuping sobs as Shay and Lee stare, concern etched on their faces.
Shay's voice is soft, “Can we be together 'gain Lor, like we was?”. I look up, my face a blotchy horror show of mascara and snot.
Lee whispers, “You mean what you said, Shortie 'bout lovin' us?”.
I hear my Mum’s sneers, Charlie’s slurs and recall the nauseating shame of those seedy dates with faceless cafe boys. I remember the taunts of my peers at school, Han’s frowns of concern and Sister Mary-Thomas’ disgust. I look into the faces of the two people whose broken bits fit with mine.
I whisper-croak, “Yeah, I still mean it”, wiping my face in my t-shirt and looking at them boldly.
Shay's smile widens and Lee's lips quirk as he growls out, “Thank fuck”, and with that, Lee is on me.
His kiss makes me soar, he's kissing me like an apology, like renewal. My hands reach out and touch him, touch the skin so alive and warm and here. A hand gently pulls at my waist and I am slowly turned from Lee's lips, pulled into Shay, with his blue eyes looking at me like I'm precious.
Shay, tips my chin up and whispers against my skin, “I fuckin' mean it, I'm proper sorry Little Red”, as his lips cover mine.
When hands start to wonder and Lee groans in my ear, I realise that I need to set some boundaries.
I pull away, hands outstretched like a hostage negotiator, “Hold on, wait”, I hiss, gesturing into the dark, “Look, I've got exams starting and I've got to concentrate on them, I can't be coming up to London at weekends for a bit, I need to revise so are you sure you can handle that? Because if you can't, well, this is all pointless”, I cross my arms and nod with determination.
Shay’s smiling as he puts his hands back on my waist, his warm body making me shiver with its proximity, “Yeah Little Red, we'll come see you down here, we'll work shit out. Then when them exams are fuckin' done, we'll show you our new place”.
Lee presses a kiss to my neck as he mutters, “Anyways Shortie, I gotta keep them nuns under watch, they're scary motherfuckers”, and he runs his lips over my jaw as I smile.
Unable to ignore it much longer, sitting side-by-side on the sofa in the dark, we finally talk about what happened. They tell me how they honestly never imagined that the risk was so high and so immediate. Shay explains that after the left hospital, they’d tried to get in touch with me through Ti but that Ti was pretty protective of me. Lee mutters softly that he had contemplated getting on a train to come see me straight from hospital but was scared of rejection. Neither of them can drive yet due to their wounds. Shay is also still off work, his return much anticipated as he is “Goin' nuts wi' fuck all to do”. Lee is back on light duties, growling his frustration when he talks about, “Bein’ the fuckin' tea and lunch boy”.
Plans to meet up on Sunday sorted and their new phone number in my pocket, the boys scowl as I return to bed at nearly 5am, needing to maintain the deception. In the dawn light, Nico’s sleeping form makes me feel inexplicably sad as I climb into the bed. I stare down at him, mapping his kind, handsome face until sleep finally takes
me.
At 7am, I jump in Chris' shower and throw on my school uniform, ruffling Nico's hair as I go to leave. Telling him that I'll come to his Saturday night to hang out, he grumbles his assent into the pillow. Running downstairs, I take a moment to appreciate the view. T-shirt clad Lee is sprawled on his front, his strong legs stretched out. O'Driscoll looks ridiculously fit lying topless on his back, six-pack, scars and all on display, his hand above his head. I press a kiss to Lee's shoulder and one to Shay's lips, wrinkling my nose at his morning breath. I'm gone, running for the bus before they stir.
Saturday 20th May 1995
As we sit in his room watching evening TV, Nico doesn’t lift his gaze from the TV as he mutters,
“You’re with him Lorn, aren’t you?”. I see the tension in his strong arms, crossed over his chest as he stares at the screen. You’re too good for me Nico, I’m not worth it and you’d discover that soon enough.
I stare at a small rip in his Spurs duvet cover as I nod with an, “Uhuh”.
He looks down at his knees, swallowing thickly, “He’s...he’s not right for you Lorn, he’s dangerous. You’re gonna get hurt, like really hurt. The stuff they’re involved with? Getting stabbed? Why the fuck would you want to be mixed up with that stuff Davies?”, his voice is low and a bit accusing.
I shrug and we sit in loaded silence watching the TV and pretending to pay attention. I should leave but spending time with Nico, awkward though it is right now, is like a treat. He walks me home, it’s not uncomfortable but there’s a lot going unsaid.
As we hug goodbye, my mother glaring at us from the upstairs window, he mumbles into my curls, “Stay safe Davies. For fuck’s sake, keep yourself safe, yeah?” and with a baleful look, he slopes home. Bye Nico.
Sunday 21st May 1995
My parents at Mass, I head to the High Street to rendezvous with Lee and Shay, the latter of whom is finally OK to drive again. Giddy and excited, I take them to the Wildlife Park, one of my favourite places. It’s a sunny day and we mess around having proper fun. I love watching them together, the way they read each other, the jokes that come from nowhere because they can predict the other so well. Shay is loud and obnoxious, attracting disapproving tuts and stares and Lee is quietly hilarious with frowning sarcasm that makes Shay laugh. I push away the memories of Lee's frantic pleas in that car park because I cannot begin to imagine the loss of Shay from his life without tears falling. With time to kill before my parents expect me home from 'studying at Han's' today, I show Lee and Shay another part of my world.