Choices Shape, Losses Break

by Nia Lucas

  My mum says ‘yes’ with no hesitation according to Gill. I expect that the truth is that she’s more happy not to have me around, my presence more undesirable than ever. Later that evening I ring Lee, imparting the news of Gill's offer, making him whoop. When he tells Shay, the deafening noise at the end of the phone makes me chuckle.

  Lee tells him to ‘shut the fuck up bruv’ as he whispers, “Lor, tomorrow yeah? I've fuckin' miss you Shortie”.

  I glow from his words, still smiling even as I dig my washing out of the stinking wheelie bin in the dark. I’d left it in the washing machine by mistake before work and Mum ‘dealt with it’ in her usual manner.

  Friday 9th June 1995

  Whenever we’re in the house together, Dad does not speak much. He appears to not know what to say to the daughter who spends the night with boys and gets slapped. I similarly have nothing to say to the father who didn't and won't protect me. He looks pained when he looks at me. In the evenings when I’m not working, Dan and I now hang out in his room, which is bigger than mine. It’s just too uncomfortable to even contemplate being in my mother’s orbit, it’s like a fog of unease cloaks the house if we’re in the same room. Dan’s tiny black and white TV becomes our only entertainment.

  I’m giddy when I start my shift, Lee and Shay due to arrive later tonight. However, the restaurant is packed, I’m frazzled and at the end of the shift, Gill takes me aside and warns me that she'll be listening out for me coming back to little Room Five later, her steely tone brokering no discussion. I stomp up to the dreary (albeit clean) housekeepers flat tired and grumpy, sulking in front of the dilapidated TV as I wait for the boys to arrive. Feeling my eyes start to droop an hour after they were due, I’m startled into consciousness by a shout of “Shortie, Lor, where you at?” from the car park outside.

  As I fly down the stairs and out of the door, Shay rushes forward smelling of sweat and fabric softener in his grubby hoodie and jeans as I press urgent kisses to his face and neck. He grabs a handful of my arse before demanding directions to the loo and legging it into the flat as Lee swaggers towards me, his eyes dangerously hot. Without so much as a 'hello', he bends down and snogs the breath out of me, lifting me up to his eye-level as he smirks. Lee. We follow Shay up the stairs and into the flat, Lee’s hand stroking mine as he pulls me into a kiss on the sofa.

  There's a thud of boots on the carpet behind us, “Lor, you ain't gonna get another punch for bein' here are ya?”, Shay's tone is kind but Lee growls at him, making Shay laughs, “Whatever you miserable dickhead, you’re the one kickin' off at work coz you miss her, you big pussy”, Shay's chuckling as Lee scowls.

  I gabble away at them, telling them about the work that Gill needs them to do tomorrow and the plans I've got for the rest of the weekend. I show them around the flat and I chatter on, the promise of a full English breakfast courtesy of Gill making Shay whoop. The whooping turns into snogging which turns into groping, nakedness, gasps and further practice of our newly minted 'turn-taking' sexual choreography. The flat provides a much more comfy and private venue than a bloody cinema and I’m soothed by the feel of their bare skin against mine. As we lie in a panting, sweating pile of humanity on the floor, Shay high-fives me and laughs like a drain as Lee smirks dangerously and kisses my neck in gratitude. I bask in the security of my place between them. Seeing the time, I roll my eyes and reach for my clothes, dressing in a hurry as I need to head to my room to keep Gill sweet. I leave them bickering about Shay's BO as I head out of the door with a smile.

  Saturday 10th June 1995

  My alarm wakes me up at 6am so that I can give Gill a hand with the breakfast shift. I might not be paid for this but Gill has been so kind and I know she's battling her own moral compass in terms of the decision to let me stay here.

  The boys fall through the pub door just as I am plating up their breakfasts and Gill greets them warmly, “Well lads, I've got quite the list for you to crack on with today so eat up and come find me when you're done. Lorna love, thanks so much for your help, made the world of difference it did”, as she bustles off.

  We chat happily over our breakfast, the lads inhaling their food. They tell me that Jock was thrilled to learn they were coming to stay for the weekend. Jock believes that I’m Lee's girlfriend as a result of the hospital comments and as such, Lee got the 'talk' from Jock about treating me with respect, something that Shay finds hysterical. In hushed tones, the three of us give self-conscious voice to the complexity of our situation. Here, in my world, Shay is my boyfriend, Lee my friend. In their world, Lee is my boyfriend, Shay superseded. Han, Rosa and most probably Ti are the guardians of our actual situation.

  There is an unspoken understanding that none of us are prepared or desirous of enlightening anyone else to the reality of us. I suspect that each of our reasons are different. The incorrect perceptions that people may have of their sexuality as a result of sharing, too uncomfortable for the boys to even give voice to. For me, the risk is a label that would stick for a lifetime. Two dicks Lorna. Slut. Slag. We don't discuss it in detail because even the conversation about who knows what, results in Lee looking angry, Shay looking deeply uncomfortable and me rolling my eyes. We simply agree to keep it 'to ourselves' which means that we must play a cautious game of deception when we’re anywhere with other people. With a rapid change of topic, we start to discuss the Festival in two weeks time. We are missing three key things: tickets, tents and a fucking clue. Nath has asked to see us next Saturday night at the club in Farringdon to sort out the details, some planning needed to achieve this rendezvous.

  Trooping off to find Gill, Shay's puppy-like energy is overwhelming but it's something that I'm already getting used to. He doesn't have any concentration, he is perpetually looking for the next activity and he loses track of conversations too, a fact that seems to frustrate him at times. Lee responds to Shay with a skill that he has clearly honed over a near-lifetime together. They fight, take the piss and shout but in a situation where Shay loses track or gets too agitated, Lee seamlessly steps in and calms him and the situation carries on as if nothing has happened. It's reciprocated because Lee cannot engage with other people in the same way that Shay can. Lee's armour is always up and that armour is intimidating if you don't know him. Lee's body language radiates hostility even when I know he doesn't mean to. Shay's friendliness has to balance Lee’s prickly demeanor, acting as his social ambassador. Without each other, they would be pretty fucked and I wonder if I will ever be able to navigate our relationships with the same skill. After all, Lee and Shay nearly bled to death on a car park floor because each of them would protect the other with their lives. I have a lot of catching up to do, with that as the benchmark.

  Gill ushers the lads off and I’m sent away, labelled as a distraction. Han arrives at the pub and we hide away in the flat catching up and gossiping. She’s having a hard time, the exams really stressing her out and Han is weepy as she talks about the fact that she thinks that she might love Chris but fears she cannot face the shit her mum will throw her way if she thinks Han is happy. A good-natured bellow of pain from outside makes me jump up to the window, a shirtless Shay wrestling with a door on his workbench shouting loudly as Lee emerges from the skittle alley with a screwdriver in his hand, a black sleeveless vest showing off his amazing arms.

  Han peers over my shoulder to look out of the window, “Jesus Lor, that...They...Look...Chest...tattoo”, Han's jaw drops before gathering her thoughts and raising an eyebrow at me, “Yup, I have no idea what you see in those lads Lorna. I mean, really, is it some sort of community service you're doing?”, she snorts with laughter and looks at them again asking me, “You really love them Lor?”

  I grin soppily as I watch Lee lob a piece of wood at Shay’s head, “Yeah, I do”.

  At 4pm, Gill announces that they’re finished for the weekend, “Honestly Lorna, that stuff they've done today? That would have been hundreds of pounds if I'd got someone in”, Gill is very chuffed.

  Han and I
have managed some significant revision and despite the fact that so much has changed right now in our lives, Han always feels like home.

  Lee and Shay are loud as they thunder into the flat, Shay pulling me into a crushing hug that has me squealing before he heads to the shower, his very sweaty body in need of a bloody wash.

  Lee slides his arms around me, looking at the work that Han and I have spread on the table, “Fuck, Shortie”, he points at my quadratic equations and algebra papers.

  I wail, “It's shit, I don't get it and I'm going to fail”, Han rolls her eyes at my drama.

  Lee chuckles and pulls me out of my seat, lifting me effortlessly onto the worktop as he nuzzles my neck and murmurs, “Shortie, you're the smartest fuckin' person I ever met'”, kissing me with such tenderness that I whimper, stroking his cheek with my thumb.

  Han snorts, “Well, if you're going to do that, I'm bloody off”

  She startles slightly when Lee turns and shoots her his trademark scowl but then she grins and points, “Aha! So that's the terrifying face that has everyone so scared but see, I've just heard you say soppy things to my best mate so you can pack that nonsense in”, Han barges Lee out the way with her hip to hug me as I sit on the worktop.

  She turns and wiggles her fingers at Lee, “See ya soppy”, and she flounces off down the stairs and off home.

  Lee turns to me, his mouth open, “Are all girls round here mental like you two?”, he's only partially joking.

  I smile, pulling him by the t-shirt towards me, “You're just lucky bruv”, and with a wink, I kiss him.

  Three hours later, we're watching shit Saturday evening TV in the flat, contemplating the night's entertainment when there's a frantic knocking at the door. Puzzled, I go down to find a red faced, frazzled Gill at the door,

  “Lorna love, thank Christ you've not gone out. Would you bloody believe it, an actual coach party has just called. Their hotel has overbooked and they need rooms tonight for bloody twenty-four guests. Love, I need you to get Room Five turned over, they need it. I'll get the lads to put an extra bed in here. With your Lee here as a chaperone, I think I can trust you two to behave yourselves tonight? Just tonight, OK?”, Gill looked a bit agonised and it takes every piece of my GCSE drama training to look entirely conciliatory and trustworthy.

  Gill looks at me hopefully, “Any chance you can work tonight Lorna love?”

  Leaving the lads watching TV, I’m run ragged in the pub. The elderly coach party are grumpy due to their changed plans and with the usual Saturday crowd also in for their meals, it's fecking chaos but it provides a fantastic alibi for my weekends at the hotel. My Dad's mate Tim is in the pub and he comments on how busy things are and how lucky Gill is to have me here. He'll tell my dad that he saw me working. Result.

  Shift over, I fly back to the flat. Giddy in our own private world and with a huge mattress bed laid out on the floor, we take turns to mess about in ways which make us all cross-eyed and short of breath. There is much enthusiastic naked snogging in celebration of our new skills before we all collapse in a sweaty heap for sleep.

  In the dark, Shay whispers against my lips in the security of our little duvet-covered world of three, “Lor, is it weird that watchin' you fuck tha’ dickhead makes me so fuckin' hard?”, he moans and starts to fondle me as Lee's breathing relaxes into snores behind me.

  I ignore the voice screaming abusive slurs in my head as I whisper, “ It’s not weird really, I mean, it’s basically what porn is yeah? Watching people have sex?”, I shrug with fake nonchalance and he snorts, making Lee grumble and pull me closer.

  Shay whispers, “Fuck me, didn't think 'bout it like that. Live porn, eh? Shit Lor...”

  I chuckle and smile, “I love you Shay”.

  He kisses me deeply in response, pulling my leg over his hip and holding onto it all night.

  Monday 12th June 1995

  After tearfully waving the boys off yesterday, my Monday morning Maths exam drains me. Delaying my return home to an atmosphere too toxic to describe, I walk to a nearby phone box and call Rosa. Her A Levels nearly finished, Rosa plans to move back home briefly before heading to Swansea to start her Art Foundation course in August, my chest aching at the thought of her being gone. Rosa and I haven’t seen much of each other during the exams; long hours in her college art studio have meant she’s not around a lot but the biggest news has been that Ti has decided to move to Swansea with her, having found a job there. Rose is giddy at the prospect of a threat-free life with him.

  On the phone, I tell her that we plan to be in Farringdon to meet with Nath on Saturday night and Rosa sounds interested, embryonic plans to meet there formulated during our chat.

  She quietens suddenly, “I still think about that night Jailbait, all the fucking time. I still see the three of you on that floor, all that blood”, her voice wobbles.

  I let out a halting breath, “Me too Rose”. I’m getting used to waking up with a scream, sweat soaked sheets and tears on my face. I suspect that Lee had a nightmare on Saturday night, I found him shaky and drinking water in the flat’s kitchen at 4am when I went to the loo.

  I hang around in town, calling the lads at 5pm and laughing at the descriptions of their new job site, a very posh house build in Chelsea which has Shay dreaming of the high life. We make a plan for the lads to arrive on Friday night, work Saturday for Gill again and then drive us back to London on Saturday night. I'll stay Saturday night at their new flat, train home on Sunday. I am startled by my increasing lack of concern regarding potential discovery by my parents, limited shits given frankly about what they think. It’s been weeks since my mother spoke to me. My Dad just looks weary and makes robotic enquiries about how my exams are going.

  Wednesday 14th June 1995

  I'm in my PJ's getting ready for bed, as Dan knocks my door and shoves Nico in, making Nico snort and take the piss as he points at my penguin-print PJs. Nico's sneaked in Dan’s window again to tell me that he’s coming to London with Rosa at the weekend, excited about his first trip to a proper London club.

  I tell him about Shay and Lee staying at the pub and I feel his body tense, as he mumbles, “Isn't it fucking weird, y'know, that Lee hanging around all the time when you're with that other twat?”, I scowl as Nico takes sly pleasure in name-calling Shay.

  I fiddle with my fingers and shrug. Nico is close, so close and suddenly, this feels a bit dangerous. He's licking his lips and his soft breath moves my hair as he gets closer but I back away, looking apologetic.

  He thumps the duvet and throws his hands in the air in frustration, “All them years at Primary School together Lorn, I mean, you were at my fuckin' 7th birthday party but now, that dangerous twat swans in, all tattoos and fucking stabbings and you're with him. Stronzo”, Nico scowls.

  I reach for his hand, my smile sad, “I’m a pain in the arse, remember D’Angelo? You can do a lot better mate, a lot better”, I squeeze his hand, looking pleadingly.

  He huffs out a breath and rolls his eyes, muttering, “Right, Saturday night, I'll see you up town then Lorn yeah? I swear though, that wanker puts a foot out of line, I'm in there like fucking James Bond cara, you and them penguins had best brace yourself”, Nico points at my shorts winking and as I snort with laughter, we sneak him back into Dan's room and out the window.

  Friday 16th June 1995

  The boys have been invited to come down again by Gill. She’s not mentioned me returning to stay in Room Five this weekend and I don't bring it up as I work my shift. The boys arrive earlier than expected and I get hauled out of the back door of the pub, manhandled into the Skittles Alley and snogged into blissful dopiness forcing me to batter them away with the drinks tray I'm carrying. Surprisingly, it's Lee that drags me excitedly out to the car park at the end of my shift, Shay bounding about like a puppy behind him. Opening the boot of the Escort, Lee nods at the contents. Cautiously, I approach, wondering what on earth they can have brought to elicit such excitement, only to be greeted by holdalls.


  I’m boggled, “Eh? Why've you brought all that? You're only here for one night, we're not going to the festival until Thursday yeah?”, I gawp at them.

  Shay finally explodes, unable to contain his excitement any longer, “Brian give us a weeks holiday, the site's closed down coz of a wall collapsin'. Fuckin' holidays Lor, we're on 'em!”, and with a whoop, he spins me round like a windmill.

  Setting me down and planting a sloppy kiss on me, he watches nodding, as a grin slowly sweeps across my face.

  I turn to Lee, his shy smile unusually bold and his eyes sparkling,“You reckon your Gill’ll let us kip here?”, his smile is so sweet that with a squeak of happiness, I jump into his arms making Shay laugh.

  Pulling back, I beam at him, “Oh my GOD I’ll go and ask her now. I've got my last exam Monday morning but then that's it, I'm free. El's having an end of exam party on Tuesday night at her house? Maybe we could go together?”, a very giddy bunch, we roar into the flat, noise filling this rapidly familiar space.

  There is much messing around, kissing and fumbling in our giddy state. They have no problem with their hands and fingers colliding when they're fiddling with me. Other bits? Well, they are to be kept away from each other at all times. It all gets a bit heated, I'm naked, Lee’s in front of me almost starkers doing some devastating things with his lips. Shay has his fingers in wicked places and I have both of my hands full.

  Fifteen minutes later, as Shay collapses panting on the mattress behind me, slapping my bare bum and chuckling outrageously, Lee moves behind me, slipping into me with a groan that I match. He's bigger than Shay and his oil-on-water fluidity that I know so well on the dance floor, he's doing that now. Shay was enthusiastic but Lee is ruthless, undulating against me, making my synapses fire like dynamite as he pulls me up against his chest. I fall into a climax so intense that my limbs go limp as Lee's muffled roar announces his own release. My legs are too weak to hold me up and Shay laughs as I topple into him, Lee flops down onto his haunches, grinning shyly as he pulls his jockeys up. Shay chuckles and calls for Lee's help and between them, they tenderly manoeuvre me under the duvet and tuck me in, both of them clambering in beside me as they watch the TV from bed.