by Nia Lucas
Two warm sets of arms snake round me, kisses on my face and neck, muttered devotions, “Fuckin' hell Little Red, you’re a fuckin’ bad ass. I ain’t never pissin’ you off”, Shay chuckles into my neck.
“Shortie, you’re a boss”, Lee lifts my throbbing hand and kisses it as I wince.
I sigh, looking up at the ceiling and turn to them, hands on hips, “I blame you two, I really do. I remember a time when I'd go to parties and days out and nobody would get punched. I remember those days well. Then I'm with you for two months and not a day goes by without somebody getting a fucking punch. I blame you”, I poke them both in the chest, scowling as they snigger like school boys.
Lee looks up through his thick lashes, “Yeah Shortie but them days before were fuckin' boring though, yeah? We bring the fuckin' fun, innit?”, and he pulls me into a kiss.
I choose them.
Chapter Ten
Wednesday 21st June 1995
I’m expected at the D'Angelo's for Rosa's goodbye meal with Nico and his family tonight. Chuffed that Rosa included me and with the week booked off from the pub, I welcome the chance to spend some time with her and Nico. It dawns on me, my face draining of colour, that I must actually inform my parents that I’m going to a festival. Tomorrow. They’ll never give me permission to go so I’ve put off telling them until the last minute, delaying the explosion because there’s no way I’m not going. I leave the lads playing pool at the pub and I head home, less than five hours to pull off what I’ve got planned.
Festival packing done astonishingly fast given the entire lack of clue I have about what to take, I clean the whole house from top to bottom. Every bed stripped, four loads of washing done, floors mopped, skirting boards wiped and a casserole on a slow-cook in the oven. Pre-emptive penance. I sit at my desk, in my now immaculate bedroom and I write a letter to my Dad and Mum. I explain that I worked as hard as possible on my exams, that I am 100% motivated to do my A Levels. I tell them that I will be working full-time all summer, to save as much money as possible for Uni. I tell them that I love my boyfriend, that he is kind, protective and that he cares about me. I explain that he lives in London and that I want to spend time there with him. I tell them that I will be at the festival, that I don't want to lie to them, that I want things to be better. I want them to think better of me. In a moment of sheer lunacy, I go bold and write that I have been offered a job dancing on Saturday nights and that when I get back from the Festival, I would like to discuss this with them. I mentally convince myself that these A4 sheets of soul baring will solve all of the fractures in my parental relationships. I am clearly fucking high from all the cleaning products I've inhaled.
Mum is home first. I hear a derisory tut as she looks in the oven, my casserole clearly lacking. She goes straight upstairs, no greeting for me as she walks past the lounge, I hear her muttering as she calls me vile names, as she belittles the housework I've done. She knows I can hear her comments, she always does. She always looks to make me feel shit, to make me feel inadequate. As I sit there, wondering why the fuck I bother, I realise that my benchmark for emotional collapse is now so high that anything less than the terminal blood loss of a loved one in a car park, will not break me. Say what you like Linda because if Lee and Shay are in my life then I'm bombproof. I hear Dad chat to mum in the kitchen when he gets home, as she brings him up to speed on her day at work and my failings as a housekeeper and a consumer of oxygen. I hear Mum leave the house shortly afterwards, going Christ knows where but I take it as my cue to head downstairs
Dad smiles weakly when he sees me, “So Lorna love, what are your plans this week? Are you working at the pub as usual?”, he flops into his chair in the lounge.
With little preamble, I launch into a monologue of everything that I’ve put in the letter, startling him with my eagerness. Without waiting for his response, which frankly doesn't appear to be coming any time soon, I hand him my letter.
He looks suddenly weary and his tone is tired, “I don't think you should go to this Festival Lorna, you're too young and I think that it might be dangerous. That Shay and this other friend are not good for you. I don't want you to go”, defeat is already in his eyes.
I clutch his hand, “Dad, Gill trusts me to run her restaurant three nights a week, I have responsibilities that I live up to. I need you to trust me please. Shay and Lee, they keep me safe from getting hurt”, the implied slight against him is fierce and Dad flinches. He knows.
I whisper, “You can trust me”.
Dad leans forward, his head in his hands, huffing out a frustrated breath. I wait in agony as he looks up at me slowly and he nods. Assent.
I hug him and Dad whispers into my hair, “Be safe love, please be safe”, and with watery eyes I smile.
Dad looks at me, his eyes sad again, “Shay's at the pub at weekends, isn't he?”, Dad sounds sad.
I nod slowly, “Um, yeah, he and our mate Lee have been coming up at weekends to do building work for Gill. I love him so much, I really do”, I don't want my Dad to think badly of me.
He pats my back slowly, “Go, go on, it'll be better if you don't come back tonight to be honest love, let the dust settle, eh? Where will you stay? Hannah's?”, he looks hopeful.
I look Dad in the eye, “No, not at Han's. Dad, I'll be staying with Shay so we can head off early in the morning”, my jaw is painfully clenched as I await his response.
He nods again without looking at me, “Be safe darlin', be safe”, and with a kiss on the forehead and a crushing hug, my Dad heads out to the garden for a cig.
Dan trundles in and he and I talk about my weekend ahead and his excitement on my behalf makes me smile. We chat for ages, both of us a bit giddy leading me to tell him that I love him, making him hit me with a pillow. In the end, I have to beg for his help when it's clear that I cannot carry my festival bags unaided and Dan walks with me to Nico's. It's nice to spend time with my brother, we’ve done so little of it recently.
At Nico's, he answers the door with a wary smile, stowing my bags in his hallway and dragging me to the kitchen before Rosa even knows I’m there.
He toes at his mum’s immaculate floor tiles, “Davies, I want to....I mean, I didn’t want to leave it….”, he’s rubbing at his neck as he looks up at me sheepishly, “Sorry Lorn, y’know, for kicking off at that club. I...never wanted to, y’know, piss you off”, he grimaces.
I feel a weird sadness ripple through my chest as I smile, “Nah, you didn’t piss me off D’Angelo. It wasn’t just you that night and...and, it’s....it’s hard….y’know, for me too”, there’s a blush I can’t stop.
Nico spots it and a feral smirk makes his eyes glitter, “Yeah it is Davies, once you’ve had a taste of this”, he makes a sweeping gesture across his body, “... it’s hard to get over, eh?”, and with his cheeky-pirate wink, I snort really loudly and snot flies out my nose.
Nico bellows with laughter and calls me a 'Dickhead', I call him a twat and we hug but his proximity feels a bit dangerous and I quickly step back, kissing his cheek and heading into the dining room with his hand in mine. Maria sees our joined paws and her hopeful smile is blinding as Rosa sweeps into the room, loud and mouthy.
I have a really lovely time, eating great food and chatting about our futures in the sort of relaxed family meal that I’ve only seen before in films. Nico grins at stories I tell about life in the pub and Rosa beams from the praise she gets for her A Level achievements and her plans to upend the art world. As I leave, Rosa pulls me into a tight hug, one that we cling to for longer than we ordinarily would. I’ll see her this summer, whatever happens. If I work on Saturday nights in Farringdon, Rosa will be there. When she goes to Swansea, I’ll visit.
Rosa and her friendship is part of everything that I have with Shay and Lee and I tell her this, “You have no idea how grateful I am to you Rose, honestly. Without you, I'd never have gone to Mission and I'd never have seen them again. I feel so lucky that I walked into the shop that day. Thank you for being my
friend”, and I sniff into the shoulder of her impossibly cool outfit.
She winks, “You changed stuff for me too Jailbait. You're the reason that Ti agreed to fucking move with me to Swansea, y’know that? He saw what that night they got stabbed did to you. That night, he told me that he couldn't put me through what you went through stellina and that he wanted to move away with me. Without you, I'd probably be going to fucking Uni in London, living a small, shit life with Ti keeping it low. You changed my life too cara”, and she squeezes me.
The Escort pulls up and the boys beep at Rosa, who flips them the bird before turning to me, “Those two? Jesus, it's pretty fuckin' cute, them two Farm Boys ruled by a little ginge. Jailbait you gotta go places, get them out that life patatina, build something good, for all of you, yeah?”, she smiles and I nod obediently before trotting to the car.
On our mattress in the housekeepers flat that feels oddly like home, Shay is distracted by the TV as Lee and I lie in bed. I kiss every inch of Lee's damaged back, my lips caressing the evidence of the cruelty he’s faced. He makes love to me like he's promising me something, like he has a message for me that he can only give with his body and when we come together, we don't disentangle. Lee falls asleep half-lying on me, his face pressed against my breast, his breath puffing warm clouds across my skin, his heavy weight the most soothing sort of blanket. The dip of the mattress next to me tells me that Shay has joined us, finally too knackered to watch any more telly. I feel Shay lie in the crook of my outstretched arm where it's flung wide across the mattress, his head on my shoulder and his hand clasped on my other boob, claiming me.
Lying there like some sort of bedraggled, Madonna figurine with my boyfriends wrapped around me, I feel like this is the most perfect place in the world, like this is where I might finally belong.
Thursday 22nd June 1995
We are stupidly excited about the Festival. I’ve never been camping before and I’ve certainly never been ‘away’ with mates like this. Lee and Shay are leaping around like they’ve just mainlined Sherbert DibDabs. Panicking about my lack of knowledge, I’d consulted with Dan, who’d gone to Reading Festival for the day last year and who was a surprising source of useful advice (‘Take loo roll and wet wipes Lor, for Christ’s sake’). The boys are ridiculously hyped, asking me endless questions which I just can’t answer. In the end, I start making stuff up, just to appease Shay. After a couple of false starts (I forgot to pack loo roll, Shay forgot his sleeping bag), we eventually get on the road clutching a newly purchased AA Map from the newsagents.
Two hours of argument-filled navigation eventually leads us to narrow lanes and grassy car parks filled with glittering cars. As we explode out of the Escort, we stare in shocked gawps at the ocean of tents and humanity that lies in the valley below us. The sun is beating down and piling our stuff onto our shoulders, I express my worries about their scars and all this lifting but Shay rolls his eyes and lollops off down the hill at a wild pace, Lee taking my hand as we follow on. I'm smiling despite the weight of my bags as I try to keep up, sweating in my denim shorts and sleeveless plaid shirt.
Passing through security with the stuff Nath had given me at the weekend, I see the wary looks thrown Shay’s way by the guys in lanyards as his loud shouts make Lee growl, “Calm the fuck down you dickhead, you gotta calm the fuck down before I do you some fuckin’ harm Shay”
After lots of rows and yelling (mainly at Shay), we decide on a spot to put up the tent but the sniping continues as three clueless morons try to assemble the tent poles in the middle of a hot field. When we belatedly got our act together sorting this weekend, the absence of a tent was an issue. That was, until a chance mention to Jock during Sunday breakfast at the cafe led to him squeezing himself into the tiny loft hatch on his landing and retrieving an elderly tent from it's cobweb strewn depths, writing me assembly instructions while the boys sneered (“You’ll no go far wrong wi’ this beauty lads, she’s seen me an’ the boys through many a fishing trip”)
I huff with frustration, “Lee, just stick your pole in my hole, Shay'll never get it up if you don't stick it in”, I hear the words come out of my mouth and drop the piece of the tent that I was holding, closing my eyes and shaking my head in preparedness for the hassle I will doubtless receive.
Shay reacts instantly, his gorgeous smile already splitting his face as he advances on me with a sort of menace that makes me raise my hands in a gesture of surrender and back away.
With a growl he moves fast towards me, “Won't be able to 'get it up', is tha’ it Little Red?”
I yelp, “No, no, no, nooooooooo, Shay, no, I didn't mean it Shay, I didn't mean it”, I'm laughing now, my words garbled as I back away, tripping up slightly and landing in an undignified heap on the scorched, brown grass.
Shay's holding it together as he advances but his voice wobbles with suppressed laughter, “C'mon Lor, get your hole ready for my pole”, and with a whoop of sheer mischief, he gently launches himself at me and I am covered in warm, hard, sweaty boy, rolled onto my back in the grass as he tickles me without mercy, mock shagging me and making sex noises as I shriek.
Rescued, I'm hoisted in the air over Lee's shoulder as he slaps my denim-short-clad arse and walks back to our sorry pile of tent, my hair dangling somewhere near his knees from my upside down position, “C'mon smart arse, tell us again where I'm stickin' this pole?”, he laughs loudly.
Shay's overtaken us, his face wrinkled in disgust as he looks at the pile of elderly khaki canvas, “Where the fuck did Jock get this? Man, this smells like somethin' died...I ain't sleeping in this Lor, it's fuckin' rancid”, he kicks it with his toe and glares at me, like it's my fault.
We get the bloody thing up and Shay falls in, tripped by Lee as we kneel, laughing, snorting and swearing, in our stinky canvas cocoon.
Shay looks revolted, “Fuck this Little Red, get them passes and we're gone I gotta get out of this shitty tent”, and we all exit rapidly.
Exploring the festival site, there is madness and silliness everywhere you look, every turn you take shows you something new and intriguing and we explore endless fields of entertainment. When I see Shay's perma-tanned skin starting to get a bit pink, I make him stand still for twenty seconds and cover him in sun lotion, the feel of his strong muscles under his warm skin making me shiver.
He smirks down at me and mumbles, “You lookin' after me Little Red?”
I roll my eyes and tut at him, “Nope, just saving myself the embarrassment of people thinking that I've come to this place with a lad who's part-tomato”
He bends down as I rub lotion-covered fingers over his nose and he grins, “Nah, you fuckin' love me and you're lookin' after me”, his grin is lopsided and far too cute.
I press a kiss to his coconut scented face and whisper, “I fucking love you and I'm looking after you, you massive twat”, as he laughs like a drain.
He points at me as he runs off shouting, “You love me woman, YOU LOVE ME”, when I flip him the bird, he laughs louder.
As we walk around, I’m holding Lee’s hand with Shay always slightly ahead of us as we trail after him, both grinning at Shay's puppy-like excitement. I get Lee to come and help me browse one of the clothes stalls, purchasing 'techno punk' mini-dresses from the pretty, rainbow dread-locked vendor. They are neon coloured Lycra with large cut outs down the side and around the naval. I pair them with some thigh high striped socks to go under my fluffies, some neon hair accessories and body paint. Shay’s been watching circus performers a few hundred yards away. As Lee hands him a pint of cider in a plastic pint glass, Shay points at a pretty girl with a headscarf and a pair of tribal print trousers who’s spinning what look like flaming balls on chains a few feet away. It's mesmerising and both Shay and Lee are staring.
Lee mutters, “Shit Shortie, that's fuckin' cool'”, I'm nodding at Lee, unable to look away.
I ask a slightly built lad standing next to me, “'scuse me, what's she doing?”
He smiles, explaining, �
��They're fire poi, Clover's been doing it for a few years. Come up to the Circus area tonight if you're interested in having a go?”, he looks earnest and I smile, shaking my head in a polite decline.
He nods at Shay and Lee who are staring open mouthed, “Think about it, your mates seem interested”
I grimace and whisper, “If the big blond one asks for a go, for the love of God, run or at least have the fire engine nearby”, and the lad laughs.
I check my watch and shriek, “Shit, it's nearly four o'clock, we need to go. SHAY!! Lee, come on, Nath’s instructions said we need to meet Justin”, and with a wave and a grab of Shay's belt loops to hoik him along, we leg it towards the dance tent.
I'm showing the security guard on the gate our passes when there's a shout from inside the compound, “Lorna, you gorgeous little disco slut, what the fuck are you doing with these dickheads?”, Justin's voice makes me squeal with happiness, ignoring the scowls on the face of my accomplices as I fling myself at his slender frame.
Justin is very tanned but there is a fragility to him that concerns me. “Justin it's so good to see you, how's Ibiza? You enjoying it?”
He grimaces as he huffs out, “Lorn, it's fucking mental and I’m doing way too much shit. It's good to see some normal people”, and he pulls me into another hug that feels a bit desperate.
He turns slightly and whispers in my ear, “So you’re mates again with the Two Pricks, eh?”, he sniggers softly.
I whisper back, “Yeah, I'll tell you about it later, long story”
Shay and Lee are still scowling at Justin, making him laugh, “Oh stop glaring at me you massive tarts, people'll think I dumped you or something”, as he chuckles at their horrified expressions.