by Nia Lucas
Justin leads me, Lee and Shay following at a swaggering distance, weaving between the white vans that seem to fill the space in this backstage compound. Justin grabs a large messenger bag from a trailer and settles us at a plastic picnic table. Rubbing his face in his hands, Justin looks suddenly weary and I rest my head against his bony shoulder in solidarity as he assigns us our jobs, the boys nodding reluctant acceptance at their crewing and promotions duties. When Justin leans back against the trailer side, wincing and looking pretty sick, I glance at Shay who looks concerned too.
I reach out and touch his arm, “Justin, you OK mate?”
I gasp when I see his eyes are watery, “No Lor”, and his lip wobbles.
I pull him into a hug and feel him start to sob against me, my eyes wide and panicked.
The lads discreetly wander off for a cig against the van across the way, while I hold Justin and rub his bony back while he sobs into my bare, slightly sunburnt shoulder.
“Dude, hey, what's brought this on? What's going on?”, I whisper into his cheek.
After a few seconds, he pulls back, wiping his face and rolling his eyes self-deprecatingly.
Holding his gaze, I raise an eyebrow and shoulder nudge him, “C'mon you, talk to the friendly neighbourhood disco slut, tell her what's wrong”
Justin laughs before confessing that the occasional dabble with coke in London has turned into a nightly event in Ibiza. When he mixes this with a crazy 'party all night, work all day' Balearic lifestyle, poor little elfin Justin is collapsing.
Contemplative, I ask, “If the only job you’ve got here is meeting us and getting us sorted, why don’t you bail and go home for the week? You could just chill out at yours and get yourself rested. I can sort the other stuff out”, I nod encouragingly at him.
He looks relieved, “Could you, y'know, cover for me Lorn, if anyone asks?”, I beam at him and nod, pleased so see the hopeful smile on his face.
He looks over at the lads and back to me, “Lorn, what the fuck is the deal with you and them? C'mon, spill it, which one are you shagging?”, he winks and it's my turn to roll my eyes, shaking my head.
He starts suddenly, “OH FUCK, I forgot, I've got some stilts I need to give you. The promotions work, they want one of you up on stilts. I didn't think fuckin' moody knickers”, he points at Lee, “would be up for it and you're such a short-ass that stilts would only make you look normal height”, he yelps as I slap his arm.
Laughing he carries on, “So that leaves big 'n' gorgeous, d'you reckon he'd be up for it?”
I snigger, “Yeah, Shay loves being the centre of attention and he bounces pretty good when he falls”, we both chuckle.
Justin produces a set of stable looking metal stilts with knee straps and foot plates from the trailer. They will add about a foot and a half to Shay's already considerable height and come with hilarious silver trousers which cover the stilts completely.
I’m pulled into Justin’s boney embrace, “Stay cool Lor, I really appreciate this, yeah? You are the only disco slut I love”, and Justin kisses me goodbye as I head off, brandishing Shay's new toys.
Lee and I, when we eventually stop laughing, have to concede that Shay gets the hang of the stilts really fast. In the early evening sunshine, with the noise and the laughter of people all around us, I feel unbelievably happy. Released from the stilts, Shay rushes over and hoists me into the air but as I laugh and peer down at him from my elevated status, I see that look again, the one I can't read. He's pulled this look a few times in recent days, it's like he has something he wants to say but he can't find the words.
As he lowers me, he swallows thickly, “ Stilts Lor, at a fuckin' festival and it's coz o’ you. You’re like fuckin’ magic Little Red, I ain't never met nobody like you. I...”, he stops as he looks like he's struggling.
Lee shouts, “Oi, fucks sake, you two comin' or what?”, and I watch as Shay throws his head back, closing his eyes in what seems to be frustration as Lee's interruption breaks whatever train of thought he was having.
Shay sighs and collects his stilts before landing a pretty nasty punch to Lee's shoulder which makes Lee swear and punch him back. Shay storms off and Lee looks a bit baffled, throwing me a questioning look as I shrug.
Shay's mood quickly improves and with burgers and drinks in hand, we sit on the grass in the evening sunshine watching the entire world go past us. I manage to convince the lads to grab hoodies, darkening skies bringing with them a chill and they both give me good natured hassle for 'caring 'bout them', causing me a pang when I realise just what a novelty this must be for them to keep repeating it. It makes me hold their hands tighter, kiss them more often. Make them feel loved. As darkness falls, the world becomes a neon and camp-fire glowing landscape of fairy-lit, smoky adventure. As we aimlessly wander around, my hand in Shay's and Lee's arm around my shoulder, we find ourselves back at the circus skills area where Clover and her fire-poi are still very impressive. Lee is transfixed by the flames and I chuckle softly, remembering the open fire in the pub when they first visited me at school.
Clover, instantly falling under the spell of the gorgeous, brooding Mr. Barrett, starts animatedly chatting to him, offering him the chance to have a closer look at her tools. Astonishingly, she gets Lee to start swinging them. Both Shay and I stand with our mouths gaping, neither of us expecting the very introverted Lee to do anything so new in public. His face stony in concentration, he follows Clover's instructions and as Shay and I settle down on a random straw bale at the edge of the field to watch, he gets the hang of it even faster than Shay mastered the bloody stilts. I feel Shay take my hand and then move closer to me, his breath on my neck making me shiver. With the firelight from Clover's poi and the camp-fires, his eyes are beautiful pools of turquoise and as I lean forward and press a kiss against his lips, the voice in my head is squealing, “Can you BELIEVE you get to kiss this lad? LOOK at him!”
Shay returns my kiss with an urgency that takes my breath away. He moves his legs so that he’s straddling the hay bale and with a strength that compromises my knickers, he lifts me one handed into his lap and we sit there, oblivious to everyone as Shay O'Driscoll kisses me like he needs me to breathe. It's so intense and so breathtaking, literally, that I have to wrench my lips from his to grab some much needed oxygen.
I grin sheepishly at him, “Shay, wow! That was some kiss”, I smile but his eyes have that unreadable look again
He palms my cheek and breathes out, “I ain't NEVER seen Lee do shit like tha' Lor”. I nod slowly in response as he carries on, “It's you, y'know tha'? You tell me tha' you love me, tha' you love him too. D'you know what tha' means, you sayin' tha'? You got any idea Little Red wha' it fuckin' means?”
I find myself gaping, I can't work out what the best response is, what it is that Shay needs to hear. Shay however, has plenty of words, as he continues to hold my face in his hands, his eyes burning,
“No fucker never told me they loved me Lor and meant it, you know tha'? I've been wi' girls who said it but they didn't mean shit but then you said it. The shit you done for us, the shit you went through wi' your Ma for me? You mean it? You really love me?”, he looks agonised as his voice cracks.
I'm nodding frantically but Shay's tone is scaring me a bit, it sounds accusing as he carries on, “An’ then these last few weeks happen' an' it's so fuckin' good Lor”, his voice cracks and a sob leaves my mouth as I see his lip tremble and his eyes fill with tears.
He's staring at me, it's that look from earlier but I know what it is now, I know what words he's looking for and I feel my heart swoop right out of my chest.
As a tear falls down Shay's gorgeous face, he looks right at me and with a trembling voice, he whispers, “I proper fuckin' love you Little Red an’ I'm scared fuckin' shitless”, and with that, he buries his head in my shoulder.
The wetness on my shoulder breaks my heart and I pull him tightly to me, his fingers digging into my hoodie-clad back as I kiss any part of him that I can, whisper
ing how much I love him. The darkness protects us and with my arms and legs wrapped around him like some sort of vine, I hold him tight because love doesn't really cover what I feel right now. I thought I loved Shay O’Driscoll before but now, Jesus Christ, there is now a whole new depth of feeling available to me.
Shay eventually pulls away, radiating embarrassment and vulnerability. He viciously punches the straw bale, swearing under his breath, his jaw grinding.
I gently turn him to face me, even though he won't look me in the eye, “I love you Shay, I love you so much, you're everything to me, you and Lee, you're everything to me”, and there's a groan in his throat as he pulls me into another deep kiss.
This time, the kiss is a balm, a soothing oil on such raw emotions. We stay there for what feels like forever, my thumbs wiping his tears away as our tongues stroke languidly against each other.
Eventually, he rests his forehead against mine, his eyes closed, “Lor, fuck, I feel like a prick”, his breath puffs against my face.
I grin, my head against his as I whisper cheekily, “It's OK bruv, I've got you”, and I kiss him again
Turning my head eventually, I’m astonished to see Leon, clad only in a vest and incredible looking, swinging a pair of flaming poi a few hundred feet away. He looks astonishing, he looks like a fucking God.
Shay gasps beside me, “Lor, is that Lee? Fuck, c'mon”, and Shay drags me towards him.
We stand there, with the other crowd members, watching Lee swinging bloody flaming balls at high speed in front of strangers. Clover is stood watching him, adoration radiating from her in waves. I’m so grateful to her for giving Lee this opportunity that I’m able to swallow the jealousy that bubbles away as Clover looks at Lee with gooey eyes, stroking his arm and oblivious to the slight twitch that he gives in reaction. If you didn't know him, you wouldn't realise that the clenched jaw and tense posture means that he's anxious.
Shay yells, “Lee ya cunt, always knew you was a fuckin' pyro”, and I see Lee's lips twitch in what I know to be relief, as we both grin at him.
Handing the poi back to Clover, Lee walks towards us shaking his head, “You're such a prick Shay. Hey Shortie, you 'kay?”, Lee smirks as I nod dumbly at him.
I’m gabbling, “Lee, you were.....you were incredible. Holy shit Lee, you were AMAZING”
I gulp as he walks closer to me, his body pressing against mine as he bends down and whispers, “Amazin' hey Shortie? I fuckin' love them poi things but right now, I wanna be back in that shithole tent wiv you”, and he dips his head and kisses me like a movie star.
I feel Shay at my side and he whispers, “No more pissin' ‘bout you fuckers, tent, NOW” and Lee pulls away from my lips with a rumbling chuckle.
We don't make it to the tent. In one of the numerous little hideaways within this vast site, Shay, his lips frantic on mine, strips me with Lee's urgent help. Shay fumbles with his pocket and slips a condom on, his pants and jeans round his thighs and takes me from behind as Lee’s mouth covers my skin before I pull him into a deep kiss. I feel their love, I feel both of them. I feel Shay's lips on my back, his hands all over me, as his thrusts take me higher.
As Shay groans out, “I fuckin' love you Little Red”, I throw my head back onto his shoulder as he comes.
Still panting, I sense Shay make eye contact with Lee over my shoulder as he croaks out, “I love her bruv”. Lee's gentle nod in response makes Shay's tense body relax as I lean against him, he pulls away and I feel him pull up his jeans, although Christ knows what he does with the condom.
I lift one of my knees up and Lee slips into me from the front, facing me on his knees, groaning loudly.
As he comes, he makes his own declaration, “Fuckin' love you Shortie, fuuuuuuuuuuuck”, panting into my neck.
I flop onto Lee, one arm around his shoulder, the other one reaching behind me, lacing my fingers into Shay's shaggy hair.
As I pant, I whisper out, “I love you both so much”
Shay snorts behind us, “This shit is easier in a fuckin' bed, eh? Jaysus, my knees are bolloxed”, making us all snigger.
With soppy looks on our faces, we wend our way back to our tent via the long-drop loos, which result in horror and hilarity in equal measure. That night, we sleep in our stinky tent, huddled together with massive smiles on our faces. Love.
Friday 23rd June 1995
Shay revels in the attention that his stilt-wearing, body- paint-splattered, bare torso-ed festival persona attracts. In a pair of more substantial silver hot-pants than the club ones, thigh-high striped socks, fluffies, silver bra top and neon splattered skin and hair, I make quite a spectacle myself. Shay and I walk around the site to promo the ‘new-this-year’ Dance Tent. Shay was born to do stuff like this, corralling large groups, hilarious in his Irish-toned silliness. Lee's been crewing for a couple of big name dance acts and has actually had a really decent couple of hours so far. As we sit on the grass in the boiling sunshine, chatting and laughing, it feels pretty magic. I blag my way into one of the larger trailers and use a tiny little shower to rinse my paint-splattered body, getting ready for Luca’s set by changing into a pair of small black low rise pants and a silver bra-top with ties that wrap around my body all the way to my waist. I match it with some green and black thigh socks and my new black fluffies.
Backstage at the dance tent in terrified anticipation for Luca’s set, a stylishly groomed figure with dark hair looks familiar. We do that slightly uncomfortable thing when two people who aren't really sure if they recognise each other smile warily until one of them says something.
This time, it’s me, “Luca?”
He nods with a wide smile, “Lorna! Oh it is so good that you are here!”, and with lots of smiles, Luca tells me that he wants me to focus on whipping the crowd up to respond to the music. He asks me about Ibiza, encouraging me to come out for the summer but I have to explain that I am only sixteen, causing Luca's eyes to widen comically.
In the massive tent, Luca's Trance set is so good that I fight tears at one point. It's incredible and the crowd is happy and responsive. I move easily to Luca's music, it's like it flows in me and as he skilfully builds the set for a drop, I look around the crowd and spot Lee and Shay grinning in their jeans and vest tops. Luca also spots them and beckons them to join me. Luca has the room in the palm of his hand and the three of us work as a team to keep them there. Lee and Shay, buoyed up from their fun day, are incredible. We haven't really danced properly together since Mission and things have changed so much since then but right now, Holy Shit, we nail it. Lee's cool, slick moves are mesmerising and Shay's more energetic and big-scale ones hold people's attention and as a three, we work in unison without actually physically touching. As we whip the crowd up to its peak and Luca's drop lifts the roof, I feel like we've paid off our ticket debts as we draw out the hyped up atmosphere for as long as Luca needs us to.
As the crew prepare for the next act, we follow an ecstatic Luca backstage where he hugs and high-fives us, buzzing from his set and clearly chuffed with our work, “Lorna, I will see you at my residency in Farringdon yes? You will be working there also Nath said?”, he beams and hugs me before heading off, a wave and salute as he disappears.
Sweating and buzzing, we wander to the circus field again where Lee finds Clover and Shay and I settle to watch him, both of us smiling at the poi skills Lee's demonstrating.
When Shay pulls me into a kiss, he laughs as my lips chatter against his, “Little Red, you're fuckin' freezin'. You wanna go get warm, eh?”, he winks cheekily and I laugh through my shivers, nodding. He whoops, getting me to climb on his back so that our chilly skin is pressed together.
Shay shouts, “Lee! BRUV, me and Little Red are gonna bounce. You comin'?”, his voice carries over the crowd.
Lee slows his arms and jogs over, smirking, “Nah man, I'm gonna chill here for a bit. Later, yeah?”, Lee looks at me and I nod happily from atop Shay's back.
Lee swaggers away and Shay, glancing back a coupl
e of times, is oddly subdued as we walk through the neon lit parades of stalls and entertainment. Frowning, he lights up a cig outside the tent as I tuck myself into his strong arms, looking up at him quizzically. Pressing gentle kisses to his tanned, salty skin I shiver and I wait.
He snaps out the words as he looks across the dark sea of tents, “It's fuckin' weird innit, him not comin' back, I mean, he don't know them hippy-fire fuckers, wha’ the fuck's he stayin' down there for Lor?”, he looks at me, scowling.
These lads, they do everything together, no other meaningful friendships, no regular name drops, passing acquaintances in clubs are introduced but never discussed again. This uncharacteristic independent socialising by Lee is clearly unsettling Shay so I opt for immediate distraction, the exploitation of his total lack of concentration. Right now, I figure my tits might do it.
As he stares out over the tents, I undo my top, removing it completely without him realising. He throws his butt on the floor and turns, his frown evaporating into eye-wide shock when he spots what I’ve done. I pretend not to have noticed as I scan the field myself, feigning nonchalance as my bare nipples go perky in the firelight.
He gasps, “Jesus Little Red, what the fuck....?”, he's gasping and as I turn to look at him, I shrug and smirk.
He growls and with a 'whoomph', he's on me and we're stumbling into the tent, tongues tangling and hands fumbling. Our clothes seem to just disappear and we are a writhing mass of naked flesh, stroking and grasping as our mouths lick and tease together (“Oh Lor, Lor, FUCK yeah, stroke me, oh fuckin' hell, like that, yeah, c'mere”) and we're tangled up as he fingers me into a slippery mess.
He looks down at me, that gorgeous face and strong body filling my view before he kisses me, sliding his legs between mine and slowly slipping into me. His mouth is slack as a groan is wrenched from him at the sensation of us being joined, the incredible feeling of slip, push, grind, squeeze running through us both. As he pulls his arms around my shoulders to get a closer purchase on his thrusts, I’m hit with a wave of BO but Shay's sweaty smell? It's like catnip to me now. He thrusts deep and his gasping litany of filth makes me cross eyed with arousal, I'm gasping, dragging my nails down his back. I feel his muscles tense and as I get the familiar swooping sensation, we both groan. He collapses on me, drowning me in sweaty boy-flesh as he presses kisses to my neck, both of us laughing as he rips the piss out of me for flashing him.