by Nia Lucas
Cuddled against Shay, Lee eventually lumbers into the tent, smelling like burnt hair and kerosene and as pumped up as I've ever seen him. As he snuggles next to me, he reminds me of Han on our sleepovers as he quietly tells me, nose to nose, about the moves he's pulled and the positive comments of the crowd. I’m smiling so much that my cheeks hurt.
He leans forward and as we nibble gently at each other's lips, he whispers, “Shortie, I ain't never been nowhere like this. Glad I'm on your team girl, best fuckin' team in the world”, and he presses a few more kisses against my lips before it starts to heat up.
With fingers torturing me and my leg hitched up over his hip, Lee pushes slowly into me and the exquisite stretch of being slowly loved by Lee makes my skin tingle. His movements are shallow, as Lee, biting his lip and looking feral, watches me revel in the feel of him as he grips my thigh for purchase. I feel a naked Shay rubbing against my bum, like a bloody hot dog in a bun, the friction appearing to give Shay what he needs, judging by the stream of filth pouring from his mouth. With the finish line met by three sets of groans, I flop back down between the two of them, all of us chuckling.
A few seconds later, Lee whispers, “Shortie, that sweat stink, that's him yeah? If it's you girl, we're fuckin' finished”
I snort with hiccuping laughter and whisper, “Nope, that's all Shay. Stinky bastard”
Shay's voice is sleepy, “Lee bruv, you smell like a fuckin' bonfire, you can't talk shit man”
“You fuckin' stink bruv, you gotta shower tomorrow, I ain't living with this till Monday”, Lee tuts.
I smile and yawn, “Go sleep you two, I still love you, even though you both stink”
Shay winks and yawns, “I'm gonna find a new girl tha’ has less mouth Little Red”
“You like my mouth”
“I fuckin love your mouth Lor. Got something you can put in it if you like”.
Shaking my head, I mutter , “My mouth's going nowhere near it until it's had a wash, Shay”
Lee groans in frustration, “Go sleep you twats”
And we do.
Monday 26th June 1995
Two incredible days later, tear streaked and a bit wobbly, I wave the boys off from the end of my road. They’re back at work tomorrow and reality hit us hard during the drive home. This week spent together has been amazing but in real life we’re two hours and over a hundred miles apart. Without them by my side, I’m starting to feel lost. It’s like sometimes I don’t know who I am now without them, as if they anchor me in a world where I am starting to feel like I have a place. It’s unsettling.
Washing machine on and bag unpacked, I ring Han to catch up before I fall asleep on my bed, waiting for my family to return home from work and school. When I wake at 8pm, it's clear that tea has been eaten and life has carried on without much concern for my whereabouts. I sigh and head downstairs.
“Hello love, you've caught the sun. Was it good?”, Dad is unexpectedly chilled and affable as he smiles from his chair in the lounge.
I smile warily, “Yeah, it was amazing. I'm really grateful you let me go. Er, where's Dan and Mum?”
Dad smiles but it's tight and I can see the tension, “Oh, er, well Danny is staying at Al's tonight and your mum, well, she'll be back later”, he nods and looks at the paper again.
I swallow, “Dad, how was she um, y'know, about me going?”, my question almost inaudible.
Dad closes his eyes and rests the paper down, “Love, your mum isn’t best pleased. You'll need stay out of her way for a bit”, Dad looks almost apologetic.
I panic, “Dad, did you talk about the dancing job? I need to start this weekend, people are counting on me. Did she mention what I wrote in the letter?”, I sit on the sofa, leaning towards him.
Guilt floods my Dad's face and he looks shifty, “Oh, er, well, er, I, er...Lorna, I didn't give your mother your letter, I thought it best not to really. She was...she was annoyed enough when I told her where you'd gone. I think...”, Dad closes his eyes again before continuing, “Lorna, I think just carry on working at the pub over the summer, you're going to Sixth Form, I think we should just not rock the boat”, he’s nodding still, as if he’s convincing himself.
I’m so confused though, “Dad? What about...I need to see Shay, Dad? Him and Lee they...they're important to me. If I work at the club, I'll be in London at weekends? How will she...? How will I....?”
I jump, startled when my Dad thumps his hand down on the side table, making the lamp rock, “For God's Sake Lorna!!”, Dad fixes me with a meaningful stare, “You stay Friday night until Sunday at the pub as far as your mother is concerned. That should be enough”, and with a pointed glare, he gets up and walks out.
My Dad appears to be enacting the 'Don't ask, Don't tell' approach to parenting. Aces. Well, frankly, that will do me because, blind eye turned, I’ll be in London at weekends, getting the last train to Paddington late on Friday nights after my shift at the pub and coming back as late as possible on the Sunday, Mum remaining under the impression that I'm staying at the pub to help Gill out. I ring Lee and Shay that evening, letting them know I’ll be with them in London after I finish work on Friday nights.
Lee's voice sounds pained, “Two nights a week tho' Shortie, that's all we fuckin' get?”, I feel a twinge in my chest but with no other choice, it’s all we have.
At the pub, I explain to Gill that I won’t be available for much extra weekend work from now on because of the dancing job.
I buy her flowers to thank her for the weekends that she let the boys stay and she smiles, “Lorna, it’s been a pleasure love and I’m grateful for all they’ve done. So, your mother is letting you work in London now is she?”, Gill frowns, the rat smelled.
I grimace and Gill smiles sadly, “Young lady, I want you to take very great care please”, as she pats my hand.
You would not imagine that it’s possible to share the same square footage of living space without ever engaging but my mum hasn’t looked at me, acknowledged me or used my name in conversation since the day she slapped me. She’s never asked about my exams or my plans for the summer. If I’m in her way, she shoves me like a piece of furniture. Nothing of mine is safe anymore either, my toiletries now live in my room because otherwise anything of mine left elsewhere ends up in the bin. I save every penny that I can, anticipating a storm that could strike at any time. The summer holiday continues thus.
Monday 17th July 1995
I’m a Saturday night Podium Dancer at one of the biggest clubs in London and it is the fucking bomb. I stay every weekend with Lee and Shay, revelling in us for two nights and two days every week. I’ve seen Rosa every weekend, hanging out as a fivesome with her and Ti and my time in London becomes the highlight of my week. I try not to think too hard about the fact that my Dad hasn't ever asked how I get to London, if I'm safe, where I stay. On Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I’ve picked up a summer job as a receptionist at the Estate Agent on the High Street. I’m answering phones and endlessly photocopying but it pays a decent hourly rate. I squirrel away as much cash as I can from my three jobs and spend my free time with Dan, Han, Nico and my friends to distract me from missing Shay and Lee.
Drama is never far away though. Having indeed entered 'not guilty' pleas, the three men who stabbed Lee and Shay are going on trial this summer for the stabbings as well as drugs offences and possession of firearms (Jesus Christ). However, now that they’re witnesses in a trial, Lee and Shay have been summoned by the police to a meeting today to discuss the situation. My parents are mercifully on holiday, allowing me to extend my weekend in London to attend the meeting.
The police officer is middle-aged, pockmarked, jowly and bored-looking as he sits in the shabby meeting room, “Lads, you know that those boys aren't small fry, eh? Witness intimidation is nothing new with them and they've got enough history with you two to be motivated to up the ante”.
He sighs, disinterested rather than regretful, “So, I can't sit here and say that you're safe lad
s. They know you, they could find you easy enough. If I were you, I'd be far away for awhile. We got Witness support we can offer you, if you'd like?”, he looks less than keen to help.
It emerges that I’m also likely to be called as a witness, my protests that I was not there for the actual offence do nothing but I’m assured that should I be summoned, I will be protected during the hearing due to my age.
A solicitor talks Lee and Shay through their victim statements separately, advising them about being strong witnesses. There are chuckles exchanged, temporarily drawing Lee out of his scowl, about the fact that they're usually in the dock as defendants. The solicitor frowns and PC Useless rolls his eyes. In what feels like a revolting Deja Vu, Jock takes us all to a nearby café afterwards and we talk about options. Their tenancy agreement locks them into the ‘Old Lady’ flat until October at the earliest so the only ‘safe’ option is Police-funded temporary B&B accommodation out of the area, which the boys reject immediately. As we head back to the flat, we’re all a bit jumpy and agitated and boarding the train later that afternoon, I cry pathetically, scared to leave them. The pair of them look equally miserable as I wave them off from my train window, heading home for work.
My parents thankfully still away, I wake Dan up at 3am by screaming through a nightmare in which we’re all drowning in blood, sweeping me into hysterical tears. Dan, bless him, wraps me in a massive hug but wiggling loose, I fly down the stairs to ring them, needing to hear their voices despite the ridiculous hour. Lee answers, sounding sleepy and I burst into tears from the sheer relief of hearing his voice. He tries to calm me down but I can't catch my breath and then Shay gets on the phone and I howl my relief into the mouthpiece, making Shay swear and ask for Lee's advice. Their hopelessness is adorable and I manage to smile and pull myself together, ending the call with assertions of love, of my need for them to stay safe. Dan’s worried eyes follow me as I climb back up the stairs to my room.
Saturday 5th August 1995
Lee and Shay always come along to the club when I’m working and the summer club crowd tonight were lively and ready to party. We spent ages chatting with fresh-from-Ibiza-Nath and the security crew afterwards and by the time we crawl into our floor-bed in the old lady flat, it’s 5am and we’re all unconscious within minutes.
The noise that wakes me is astonishing, “GET UP, FUCKIN’ MOVE LOR, FIRE. FUCKIN’ MOVE!!”, Lee’s yells have me upright before I’m even conscious.
I’m belatedly aware that the air in the lounge is hot and weird and choking and the room is lit with an orange glow despite the darkness outside. Grabbing at each other, we’re swearing in panic as we run, dressed in pants and t-shirts, into the hallway.
“Oh fuck, OH FUCK the door”, Shay says what we’re all thinking.
The front door and hallway is engulfed in flames, blocking our escape. Lee’s grabbed his shoes and numb with shock, Shay and I copy him, escaping the heat of the hallway by running into the kitchen. It’s Lee who has the presence of mind to fling open the kitchen window, jumping out onto the corridor balcony as Shay lifts me out into Lee’s waiting arms.
Our shouts and noise wake up the neighbours, the smoke now pouring from the flat as Shay yells at someone further up the balcony to call 999. In my knickers and Lee's hoodie, I stand coughing with Shay and Lee as we read the graffiti scrawled on the wall by the front door.
“Snitches burn”
A distant fire engine siren and the growing flames draw us downstairs, following the other residents who are panicking about the fire spreading. It's as we get out to the front of the flats that we realise that some of the smoke swirling around the flats was coming from the Escort, which is now an inferno in the car park. As Shay’s indignant yells of fury echo through the smoke, I feel my chest compress with panic at the sirens, the noise, the fear. I start to lose my breath, I feel like the ground is wobbling, like I’m swooping in a fall but Lee and Shay, who are alive and not bleeding, hold me protectively close and I manage to shake it off.
Lee runs over to the fire-fighters who were alerted initially to the Escort fire by the ground-floor residents. Lee tells them that the flat is also ablaze and the second engine that turns up ensures that the flat fire doesn't get a chance to develop beyond the hallway. More police. More statements. Blue striped tape. To be honest, it was an impressive amount of damage achieved for such a shambolic approach to arson; petrol apparently poured through the letter box and flaming rags haphazardly thrust through as accelerators. They also smashed the windows of the Escort apparently, sprinkling the inside with more fuel and setting that alight too.
I hear muttered comments of “Arson”,“Reprisal” from a nearby police officer, as a fireman approaches us, “Guys, we can secure the flat tonight but is there somewhere else you can stay? The smoke and water damage is pretty bad and I wouldn't want you staying there if you were my kids”, the kindly, older fireman pats Shay on the shoulder as he talks to us.
Lee's holding me against his chest, pressing worried kisses into my smoke-choked hair. It's then that I realise that we’re completely alone. Jock’s on holiday in Scotland, Rose and Ti now in Swansea. All of my mates- Han, Chris and Nico- are on holiday with their families and without a car, Dan is as much use as a fart in a lift. And I’d crawl over broken glass before I’d ring my Dad. We have nobody we can call for help. This is what Lee and Shay have faced since they were small boys, this lack of safety net. We have to rescue our-fucking-selves, on our own at the grand ages of sixteen and nineteen.
The hallway is a waterlogged, oily, blackened mess as we pick our way through the smokey gloom but we manage to pack everything that the lads need, their lack of furniture making the job much easier. My stuff is already neatly stowed in my weekend holdall, which I grab, chucking on some combats.
“FUCK!!”, Shay's shout makes us all jump.
“Bruv, what the fuck?”, Lee sounds pissed off.
Shay’s shaking his head, “My new trainers was in tha’ car. Forty fucking quid. Cunts”, Shay punches the wall
Lee shoves him, “We got no place to sleep bruv and you're pissed 'bout trainers? You got messed up fuckin' priorities Shay”, Lee walks out of the flat with his bag slung over his shoulder and my hand in his, shaking his head and tutting.
A few calls by the police and we’re provided with a B&B room for the night by the Emergency Team at the Council. Dropped off, booked in and the shabby bedroom door shut, I pull them both into the cuddle that I've needed since I saw the flames in the hallway. I cry for the poor Escort that I loved, I cry because we have nobody to turn to right now, I cry because somebody wanted to kill them. Again. Shay leads me by the hand, Lee following, into the bathroom, where with a tenderness that makes me weep, Shay strips me as Lee kisses me and like a pet project, they help me wash my smoky hair and soothe me with their touch. Smoke free, we make a floor bed and the two of them wrap themselves around me, not caring that their hands and arms are touching the others chest. It’s like we each need to feel that the other two are safe.
Sunday 6th August 1995
The boys have already decided they’ll not go back to live at the flat now that they’ve been found. Upon hearing them explain what's happened when we ring him from the grubby B&B payphone, boss Brian immediately gives them time off so that they can sort stuff out, Shay muttering his thanks before hanging up.
Returning to the room, we plonk ourselves down on the shitty nylon bedspread as Shay mutters, “Wha’ the fuck we gonna do Lee?”, his lost and unsure expression scaring me.
We’re startled by a knock at the B&B door, the Police Liaison Officer announcing her arrival. With a watery smile, a bit too much makeup and a lot of false cheer , she offers the option of the lads staying in the B&B longer term, until things ‘calm down’.
The boys are silent and glaring as she stumbles on, “...it really is the only sensible option Seamus and Leon if you have no other safe lodgings and with stretched budgets, we have no properties that we can offer…”, she t
rails off as Lee’s sneer becomes more pronounced.
To make up for their belligerence, I gabble like a moron and ask if we can call her later with a decision.
With a huff, she leaves and Lee paces round the room, like a caged lion, “Nah Shortie, this ain't happenin'. We're gonna come back wiv you today, yeah Shay? I ain't stayin' here wiv'out Lor. Brian give us the week off man, we need to get the fuck out. Gill still got that empty flat?”, Lee's jaw is set in a manner which suggests he is not asking for Shay's opinion.
Then he groans, “Shit man, we got no fuckin' motor now”, kicking the base of the bed with real viciousness.
Pressing a kiss to Shay's forehead, I stand up and wrap my arms around Lee, kissing his back as he leans into the embrace. I’m not sure how I put into words the idea that has just struck me. It's big. It's huge.
I mutter into the broad expanse of Lee’s shoulders, “What about if you....if you lived at the pub, like you move there instead?”, I say it softly, almost not daring to give voice to the words for fear of absolute rejection.