by Nia Lucas
On Sunday night, when I walk in the door, my mother speaks directly to me for the first time in over nine weeks. I say speaks, actually she screams, she shouts, she calls me vile names and screeches venom at me. I stare blankly as she spits her rage filled vitriol. My Dad comes into the room, perhaps as my protector, perhaps as my mother's supporter. Who knows? I nod, as she calls me a whore, a tramp, a slut, a disgrace. She tells me that she cannot stand to look at me, that I am nothing. I brace myself for a slap but it doesn't come. She walks out. Dad follows her. I find myself without any shits to give.
Monday 21st August 1995
In preparation for the trial, the boys stayed with Jock in London last night and I spent my first night alone in my own bed in what feels like years. I’ve been told to be at court on Wednesday, my Dad’s taken the day off to come with me. I’d held them tight and wept like a Mills and Boon character before waving them off yesterday. I’m cleaning the flat in their absence, bemoaning their inability to maintain even basic hygiene, when Lee rings the pub.
He’s subdued and weird sounding. “They changed their fuckin' plea. The Feds have gone GBH instead of Attempted Murder and them boys said they’ll go guilty on that. Guess we ain’t gotta do shit now, eh?”, he sounds flat and I’m stunned by this news.
The Witness Liaison Officer leaves a message at the pub with similar startling information, dismissing me from witness duty with what sounds like relief. It’s a numbers game apparently and the Prosecution wants to secure a serious conviction even if it’s for a lesser charge and with the guilty plea, they’ve got it. I tell Dad who deflates like a balloon, nodding with his eyes shut. Relief is not the emotion he transmits. It's weariness.
Shay’s vibrating with bravado when the car pulls into the pub late afternoon and I pull them into a hug that makes my muscles shake from the ferocity. Sitting on the sofa an hour later, I realise that Shay's vibrating body is not calming. His shakes are not caused by giddiness. Shay is in shock. With work booked off for the trial that never was, we leave each other's side only for two hours, as I make a brief appearance at home each night to maintain peace, before climbing out Dan's window to go back to them, protecting what is precious to me. Shay holds me so tight that he leaves finger marks on my arms.
Thursday 24th August 1995
Today is GCSE results day. Nico got home from Italy late yesterday, Han is home from Corfu today and I'm giddy at the prospect of seeing them both. I get up early from the flat and sneak home, pretending to my Dad that I’m in the kitchen at 5am because I'm nervous about the results. He pretends to believe me and after breakfast drives me to the school to collect my exam results, a comfortable atmosphere sitting over us for the first time in months as the radio fills the silence
Upon arrival I spot Ellie and Jenny, running towards each other as we grip hands, “Oh fuck Lorna, Sister Scary is manning the results table”, Ellie hisses as we head towards the results office, Sister Mary-Thomas’ disdain as she spots me barely disguised.
Hands shaking, knees wobbling we open up the envelopes and scream like banshees. I’ve got 6 A’s, 5 B’s and a sodding D (bloody IT). El has got a similar clutch and Jenny has trumped us both with an entire galaxy of new A*s.
Dad whoops with delight when I show him my results, pulling me into a lovely hug, “I’m so proud of you sweetheart, so proud”, he shakes Ellie and Jenny's parents hands, my recent transgressions seemingly forgotten and it feels genuinely lovely to be so approved of.
However, in that convivial atmosphere, it’s unfortunate that Sister Mary-Thomas comes over to offer her own words of congratulations, “Oh what clever girls you have ladies and gentlemen, what clever girls. Such wonderful pupils these three”, she simpers at the assembled parents who beam.
It's out before I stop it; a soft, menacing voice that doesn't sound like mine whose bold-faced sass has its roots in my new life, “But Sister, you said that I was destined to meet a very sad and fulfilling future? You told my Mum that I was all sorts of things but I’m pretty sure that none of them mentioned me being ‘a clever girl’. A few results seem to have brought on a significant change of opinion, haven't they? I think Sister, that maybe, just maybe, you can fuck right off, you two-faced, patronising bitch”, and with a two-finger salute, I stride off, leaving the school behind forever.
I was told later by Ellie and Jenny that my Dad smiled before rearranging his features into fake indignation, apologising half-heartedly to a purple-faced nun and leaving pronto. What I know is that when my Dad caught up with me, he winked at me and asked me what I wanted for lunch, no reference made to my outburst.
At Han’s house for the first time in weeks, we dance like loons celebrating the GCSE results that will see us attend the same Sixth Form, reunited at last. Calming and scoffing celebratory chocolate, I fill her in on all that has occurred and she holds me tight, her voice wobbly after I tell her about the fire.
“Lorn, this whole thing with Lee and Shay...it’s all going to fast, isn’t it?”, her worried eyes are scanning me as if for injury.
Dismissing her concern with a wave of my hand, I change the subject quickly, asking about her Mum who apparently pulled a bartender in Corfu and left Han alone by the pool for the entire holiday, which suited her no end.
I pop into Nico's on the way home. He got four GCSEs at C grade, a few D's and he failed the others. He's happy to have got what he did, his entire lack of study rendering him fortunate to have achieved even those, teasing me with a cheeky grin about my ‘swotty’ grades. We agree to meet up next week for a celebration of some kind because I've missed him, it's been weeks since we spent time together properly. I ask him about his plans and his training stuff and in turn, he makes me laugh (“Davies, don’t even try and talk football, it’s embarrassing for both of us. Stick to stripping, eh?!”) and we chat nonsense for ages. After such a chilled, lovely couple of hours with him, the hug he gives me as I go to leave, gives me weird butterflies.
Shay, Lee and I go to Ellie's results party, their second one at her house. It's a good night but we don't stay at Ellie's like I told my Dad I would. Instead, pumped up from a good night and ramped up on hormones, we go home to the flat instead of staying over. I'm grateful frankly because if my mates had heard the noises coming from our bedroom, I might have died of shame.
Friday 25th August 1995
We're sat eating chips in the beer garden when the Police Victim Liaison Officer rings at teatime.
Gill puts the call on speaker, “So Seamus and Leon, I can confirm that all three defendants have been found guilty of two counts of Grievous Bodily Harm with Intent. They have also been found guilty of multiple drugs and weapon possession offences. They'll be sentenced next month and the Judge told them all to expect very lengthy prison terms. It’s a good resolution boys, I’m pleased that you can put it all behind you now, they’re off the streets”, her chirpy tone falls flat in the shocked office atmosphere as we all mutter our thanks and hang up.
Returning to the flat, a pale Shay disappears to the loo, leaving a subdued Lee holding me close in the lounge as we process this information. When Shay doesn't come back for ages, I go looking for him, finding him shaking in angry, embarrassed, self-conscious tears in the bathroom that smells of the fresh vomit that also stains his t-shirt. I wrap myself around him and hold him, vomit ignored, as he breaks down in raw, choking sobs, hiding his face from me as his body shakes. I hear Lee come thundering down the hallway and he stands in the doorway, watching me soothe Shay, his face a mask of shock and concern.
My chest aches from his pain, “Shhhhhh, Shay, I'm right here, it's OK. I'm right here. I love you, I love you so much Shay. It's OK now, it's all over”, as he stays turned away from me, his big body shaking.
I press kisses into any part of him that I can reach. Lee joins us on the floor, he hugs me but his hands are grasping Shay's t-shirt. We stay there for ages, moving only a few yards to the sofa where we stay huddled together. I work my shift at the restaurant but I'm to
o worried about Shay to concentrate fully and I make silly mistakes with the orders, making Pete yell. At 10pm, I find Shay still pale and shaky on the sofa, staring sightlessly at the TV. Lee whispers that he's never seen Shay like this, a comment that panics me more.
I curl around Shay, quietly stroking his hair and telling him that I love him. Shay's only response is to nuzzle slightly into my hand. I can't gauge what it is that he’s feeling. I suspect that it's some sort of delayed shock but the truth is that at sixteen, I have neither the experience nor the emotional insight to make any decent attempt at diagnosis. I just know that I love him and that right now, he’s hurting. I have to leave though, I have to be home by 11pm to keep the peace.
I whisper, “Look after him” against Lee's lips.
Lee rumbles back, “Fuckin' always Shortie”
As I walk into the kitchen at home, Dad’s unloading the dishwasher, “Hello love, good day at work? Good time at the party last night?”, it’s such a jolt to come into this house and be greeted like old times, that I burst into tears, my Dad looking visibly panicked.
He hugs me and pats me and I tell him about the verdict, I tell him about Shay's reaction and that I’m worried about him.
I feel my Dad sigh, “Love, I'm glad those boys have got some justice, I'm pleased. Me and your Mum are in Cardiff this weekend for our anniversary so make sure you look after the house, OK love?”, he smiles and I wince as I've forgotten to get them a card. Shit.
I hug my Dad and tell him to have a great weekend. Dad smiles kindly and, kissing me on the head, reaches something from the worktop.
He presses an envelope into my hand, “For you sweetheart, for those wonderful results”, he smiles and shutting the dishwasher, he leaves the room.
There's £400 in the envelope, my gasp of shock is overly dramatic in the empty kitchen. I don't analyse the fact that instead of thinking of the plethora of teenage spending I could indulge in, my first thought is 'rent'. I run to the lounge and stop short when I realise that my mum’s sat there too, scowling at the TV.
I stutter out, “Er, er thank you. Thank you so much for the money. That's.....that's really kind, I'm really grateful. Thank you”, Dad winks, Mum doesn’t move.
I go up to my room, I have a shower, I change and when I hear my parents come up and go to bed, I sneak into Dan's empty bedroom and shimmy out the window, heading to the pub.
In our bed, I cling to Shay like I can't let him go. For the first time ever, we don't have any sort of sex, we just cuddle. Lee's warm, scarred arms wrapped around me and the back of his hands resting against Shay's chest. Shay doesn't say anything. When I wake up screaming, tasting blood in my mouth and feeling it drip down through my fingers from my dream, Shay clings to me so tightly that I’m not certain that he can sleep in the position we’re in. His arms shake for a long time. Lee's breathing behind me suggests that he too is awake.
Saturday 26th August 1995
As the morning sunlight fills the flat, Lee rolls over to try and get more sleep while a subdued Shay leads me by the hand, large and silent and takes me into the shower. Under the water, naked and cuddled close, he lets me gently wash his summer-tanned body, bowing his tall frame so that I can tenderly wash his hair. Although our hands are wandering like drunken spiders over each other's skin, this is not sexual. I stroke his back, his strong arms, his pecs, I kiss his scars and we stand under the water for ages just holding tight. I love him.
I need to somehow get my carcass to London ready for work tonight but judging by the lads' yawns and the quietness, I think I might need to fork out some cash for a last minute coach ticket.
I mumble, “Er, I'm gonna head to the coach station OK?”, the pair of them look up from the on-screen zombie slaughter as I clutch my rucksack
Their matching confused looks are endearing, “Eh? What shit you chattin' Shortie?”, Lee yawns and stretches.
I shrug, “Well, you two are knackered and I figured that I'd get the coach to work tonight, I'll maybe ask Nath if I can stay at his, he's popping by this weekend apparently”
Lee's exaggerated frown is almost funny, “Nah, I'm drivin' Shortie, you ain't staying wiv that sleazy fucker”
Sleeping bags and pillows chucked in, we head off with Lee behind the wheel, Shay curled up asleep in the back seat as I fiddle with the BMW's knackered stereo. Lee checks the rear view mirror, noting Shay's snores.
He whispers to me, “I'm gonna take him to Jock, I reckon he needs to have a word. Jock'll sort him, he always gets it, y'know?”, Lee looks anxious, his jaw clenching.
I nod and squeeze Lee's leg, resting my head on his shoulder.
After a few minutes, Lee's low rumbling voice whispers again, “I ain't never seen that fucker bawl Lor, not in twelve years”
I don't tell Lee that this is the second time I've seen Shay's tears, that both times it has made me want to do anything to make him feel better.
Two hours later, we arrive at Jock's house, no warning given to him that we’re coming and with Shay still asleep, I sit with him, watching him dream as Lee jogs down the road. Minutes later, I jolt as Lee opens the door with Jock standing behind him.
I'm swept into a Jock-hug which smells of Old Spice, cigs and coffee, “Well hello there my wee darlin'! For future reference Leon, I prefer gifts tae come in glass bottles wi' the word whisky on the front but instead, you bring me the gift o' him”, Jock smirks as he thumbs at Shay in the car.
Shay stirs, stretching and trying to wake himself up by scrubbing at his face. Jock pulls him into a firm hug, holding him close for far longer than usual and allowing Shay to imperceptibly lean on the man that has looked after him since he was a child.
Jock looks sombre, “It's good tae see you lad. C'mon, come keep me company for a bit, eh?”, with his arm slung over Shay's shoulder, Jock leads him off as Lee and I grab his bags.
It doesn't take long for Jock to look as worried about Shay as Lee is. Shay is too quiet and it shows how distracted we all are that Shay walks over to me in the kitchen and pulls me into a hug, resting his head on my shoulder and holding me close, in full view of a confused looking Jock. We agree that Shay will stay with Jock, he's offered no choice in this. Jock will drive Shay back on Bank Holiday Monday, keen as he is to see where the lads are now living. Lee and I however will head back to the pub after my shift tonight, giving Shay some much needed alone time with Jock and his wise advice.
As Lee and Jock go off to look at some problem with Jock's TV, Shay speaks for the first time in hours, “Don' wan' you to go Little Red. Wan' you here wi' me”, mumbled into my hair.
I turn and cup his cheek as he avoids looking at me, “I want to be with you too but right now, you need to spend some time talking to Jock and me and Lee, we'll just be in the way. I promise, it'll make you feel better. I love you Shay”, I try to catch his eye, with no luck.
So instead, I capture his lips in a soft tea-flavoured kiss and feel a rush of relief as he nods against me, kissing me more deeply as his arms pull me close both forgetting that we have a secret to hide, that I’m Lee’s girlfriend as far as Jock’s concerned.
“Ahem”, there’s a deep cough behind us and we pull apart like polarised magnets, eyes wide and red faced.
I can't look at Jock as he gasps, “Wha' on earth is going on...”, but then I hear footsteps and I see Lee through my lowered lashes as he moves to stand next to me, pressing a kiss into my hair as his tense hands grip the worktop edge.
To my side, I feel Shay move closer, slipping his hand in mine as there's a sigh from the doorway. We all finally look at Jock, his eyes closed, his head shaking as he looks to the ceiling.
There’s a harsh sigh before Jock rumbles, “I dinnae want tae know. God's honest truth, I dinnae need the information in ma brain because what I know, I have tae fucking worry about”, Jock sounds tired.
Shaking his head as he scrubs at his beard with his hand he tuts, “Go Leon, take this lassie tae work as it's near on eight. Me and this eejit will sor
t us some chips. You come back here when you've dropped her off and we'll talk. Lorna ma wee darlin', yous be safe tonight please at tha’ dance club o’yours”, Jock heads out of the room shaking his head and muttering, “Jesus, thank Christ our Moira only gave me fuckin' nephews, I cannae bear the stress o’ girls........”
Shay snorts beside us, making both of us swivel towards him, “Well, Jock fuckin' knows then?”, and with that lovely grin, he dips his head and kisses me again, pulling me to him as Lee nestles into my back, shifting my plait and pressing kisses to my neck as he strokes my back.
The kiss gets hotter, with Lee’s tongue exploring my mouth as Shay's hands go under my top. I cup both of them over their jeans, my hands full as I return Lee's kiss with enthusiasm.
“PUT THA’ LASSIE DOWN AND TAKE HER TAE WORK!”, an irate shout from the distant living room makes us all jump apart and laugh nervously.
With a lingering hug, kiss and promises that I will make up for lost time when I see him on Monday, I wave goodbye to Shay. In the hallway I hug Jock and whisper in his ear, “Please make him feel better”, and I smile as he pats my shoulder.