by Nia Lucas
Heading to the club, Lee drives through London like a hot knife through butter and I turn to him, astonished, “Why do you always let Shay drive when you can drive like this? Seriously? He's a fucking menace, you're brilliant”, my mouth hangs open. Lee smirks and shrugs. Bastard.
My shift is amazing. Nath is back from Ibiza, allowing us to catch up during my breaks.
“Nath, how's Justin getting on? I haven't heard from him since the festival. He's OK?”, I try to sound nonchalant.
Nath scowls, “Hmmmm, sneaky little fucker screwed us over, took a job out there as the promoter at one of the big clubs, reckons that he ain't coming back...shacked up with some hippy bloke. I dunno, dodgy”, Nath looks genuinely put out while I try and mask a smile, pleased for Justin that he's got a new adventure but sad that he may not return in September.
Lee’s waiting for me by the door at the end of the night. Leaning against the wall, the sight of him and the shy smile he throws my way make me run at him, giddy and daft as he pulls me into a lush snog. Despite it being 4am, he tells me that he wants to drive us home. I grin at his use of that word and he smirks at me, rolling his eyes but I know that he secretly loves it too.
Nuzzling my hair, he asks, “Shortie, how 'bout we stay at yours, y'know, if it's empty? That bitch is away yeah? It'll be like we was creepin'? Just me an’ you, like a normal thing”, He whispers that last bit and my heart clenches. Normal. Just me.
I nod, “Yeah, yeah, that'd be lovely”, my voice is thick and I hold his hand in between gear changes.
Sunday 27th August 1995
It's 6.30am when we get to my house. I grab a shower while Lee downs a pint of water and when I come back into my room, the morning light screaming through the curtains reveals the delicious sight of a topless Lee lying in my childhood bed. With a tongue in my cheek, I drop the towel and despite my significant tiredness, I chuckle as Lee pulls me into bed and spends far longer than my poor patience can bear just kissing and licking my contours and curves, stroking my skin. He kicks off the cover and his jockeys and I have the luxury of having a naked Lee to play with at my leisure. I lick and kiss that boy until he is swearing and writhing, exacting blissful revenge on him, squealing as he flips me on my back and thrusts into me with such invention and skill that I’m senseless by the end of it. Knackered and smiling, I throw on a t-shirt and my knickers and a jockey-clad Lee draws me back into his warm embrace where with a few sleepy snogs, we cuddle up and sleep like the dead. For five straight hours.
With the stupid fucking door ajar.
27th August 1995
I guess Dan was owed a misdemeanor, I mean, he's fifteen and a half, he looks older than I do and he's in a band. I just wish he's chosen a better time to drink himself into unconsciousness in his mate Al's garage. To be honest, I wish for a lot of things. I wish that Al's mum hadn't rung my parents at their Cardiff hotel at 2am, I wish that they had not gone straight to the hospital, that they hadn't waited for Dan to be discharged, that they had not come straight home. I wish that Lee's hand was not oddly placed over my ear as I slept, my other ear stuffed against his shoulder rendering me deaf. I wish that Lee did not sleep so deeply. I wish we'd closed the fucking door.
The removal of the duvet made me stir in Lee's arms, groggily wondering if it had fallen off.
“GET OUT!!! You little whore, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW! You dirty little bitch, get OUT”, my mother's shrill, spitting shriek makes us both jump up like we've been shot, Lee athletically springing out of bed using one arm, towering over my mother.
Before either Lee or I can decide the best course of action, she raises a curled fist and swings it back. This is to be no slap this time, this is going to be a proper punch.
My Dad calls out frantically, as he runs up the stairs having heard the noise, “Linda, NO!”, but she takes a step and her fist comes towards me. I close my eyes, not even registering that perhaps I should put my hands over my face in defence. And then nothing.
“Bitch, I will FUCKIN’ END YOU, right the fuck now. You don't FUCKIN' touch her”, Lee's voice sounds like venom, it sounds like the most sinister, threatening thing I've ever heard and my eyes fly open.
Lee’s got his hand around Mum's throat, the contrast of mocha on pale pink. He has caught her swinging hand in his other one but his hand around her throat is firm and his face is snarling fury. Mum looks startled.
I’m terrified about what this is, “Lee, no, no, let her go, please Lee”, I am pulling at his scarred arms.
My Dad has come into the room, his eyes wide and pleading, “Let GO Lee, NOW BOY! Let her go”, Dad's voice is commanding, despite the wobble in it and Lee immediately backs away, his whole body shaking.
I stand between Lee and Mum, holding his scarred arms and trying to process what has just happened while Lee's eyes are wild, his whole body vibrating. I'm shocked by the extent to which this is affecting him.
My mum’s voice, shaky and deadly comes from where she stands with Dad's arm around her, “I want you gone NOW. The filth that you bring, you're poison, just like her. I see through you. I’ve always seen what you are. This is no longer your home, I will not have you in this house. How dare you bring him into my house”, she points at Lee with a shaking finger before she spits on, “I should call the police and have them arrest this scum for assault. You will never be allowed back in this house, either of you. You have an hour, get your things and get out”, and with a look of pure hatred, she turns and walks out and down the stairs. I hear the back door slam before I even move.
I don't really analyse the odd comments Mum made because it feels like the floor beneath my feet is moving, shifting. I feel like I might pass out, everything has gone very surreal and sharp and there is a ringing sound in my ears and I can't catch my breath. I panic and grab at Lee, who pulls me into his arms, his body still vibrating with tension.
My Dad's voice is wobbly and cautious from behind me, as I stand shaking in my t-shirt and knickers, “Lorna, I don't understand why Lee is here but I think you should do what she asks. Your mum is too angry right now. I am...I am so disappointed in you Lorna. I gave you the rules. I told you what they were”, I sob pathetically as Dad's words flood over me.
He carries on as I feel my world collapse on itself, “Where can you stay...for a while?”, Dad sounds desperate. I look at him blankly, tears blinding me as I shrug hopelessly.
Lee’s voice is harsh and low, “Lor's gonna stay wiv us. You ain't no fuckin' use”, Lee is sneering at my Dad, his face twisted with scorn for the man that has let me down. Again.
Dad looks wounded but he nods, the bastard nods and looks at his feet. There’s no fight forthcoming for me, for my life here, for my place in this family. I don’t mean enough.
He nods, “I think that's best. I think...if Lorna can stay with you at the pub then...then that will be better, safer. With Gill and with you...I’ll trust you boys to look after her, keep her safe”, Dad sounds broken.
Dad walks towards me but I turn away from him, I turn my sobs into Lee's chest as he rubs my back and kisses my hair.
I’m startled by a shout from behind him, “Dad, what the FUCK? You're chucking Lor out? No! No! You can't...you can't fucking do this to her”, I hadn’t even realised that Dan was there until now, witnessing this horror show.
My Dad jolts into sudden defence, “DANIEL! That’s enough. Your sister needs to spend some time staying...staying somewhere else while this blows over. It's...it's safer that way”, Dad sounds so defeated that my sobs start anew.
Dan barges past to stand next to me, a matching bookend to Lee, “NO!! NO!! You can't throw Lorn out. This isn’t a joke Dad, this is too fucked up, you can’t do this to her”, Dan angry-crying now and I feel myself collapse as I turn and bury my face in Dan’s shoulder.
It's Lee's voice that soothes both of us, “Dan, bruv, it's OK. Come see her at the flat, me and Shay'll be lookin' out for her. You come any time bruv, it's cool”, Lee's voice is kind and warm and sincere and
my love for him gives me the strength I need to get this dealt with.
I take a deep breath as I hold Dan's hand, his other one frantically wiping his eyes, “Dan, it's OK, honestly. I'll be fine and I'll be at school with you now, you can come any time to the pub too. It'll be OK mate, I promise. You look like shit Dan, what's going on? Why’s everyone home so early?”, I turn to Dad, realising that the cause of this disaster was an early return.
Dan gives me a quick run down of his drunken escapades. “Danny Boy, you totally owe me for taking the heat off your little crime, eh?”, as I shoulder nudge Dan and make him chuckle softly.
His smile fades and he looks at me sadly, a tear dripping off his nose, “She's really throwing you out Lorn, this is really happening?”, his lip wobbles, my own lip matching his as I nod.
Dan looks across and snarls at Dad, “I'll never fucking forgive you and her for this, I’ll never fucking forgive you for what you’ve done to Lorn”, and with a final glare at him, Dan storms into his bedroom and slams the door.
Dad puts his hands in his pockets and leaves the room, head bowed. Lee holds me in his strong arms as I sob, whispering his love into my hair. He tells me gently that we need to get packing, get moving. Judging by the car’s absence from the drive, my parents have left the scene of the crime. While a red-eyed Dan and silently-furious Lee nick every box, suitcase and bag that they can find, I empty drawers, wardrobes and shelves. My mum will, I am sure, throw out anything of mine that I leave behind. The shock is still making me feel dizzy, I feel disconnected. I feel like I've just jumped off a cliff, like I'm swooping in a fall.
Packing done, Dan and I stand like shocked lemmings in the kitchen as Lee loads the car, “Lorn, I can't...I can't fucking believe she's throwing you out. It's not for a few days is it?”, Dan's lip wobbles as I shrug noncommittally.
He sighs and looks at the floor, “Lorn...it's...it's both of them, isn't it? I know that sounds proper messed up but it's true isn't it? I saw you at the pool that day, I see how you three are together and well, now this, with Lee. It's both of them that you're with?”. Dan is bright red.
I decide to repay his bravery with honesty as I whisper, “Yeah. It's fucked up but it's us. Dan, only Han and Rosa know so I need you to keep it y’know, to yourself. The boys and I, we're not comfortable with….people knowing. Is that ok?”, my question is a loaded one, multiple requests being made of him.
He looks at me, my little brother who now towers over me, who I love so much, “I'll always have your back Lorn. I mean, this is proper mental but 'course I will. Jesus midget, you never take the easy path, eh?”, Dan rolls his eyes and laughs as we hug fiercely.
Gill, upon my shaky and tearful arrival at the pub, agrees to my inclusion in the flat rental with my boyfriend Shay and my friend Lee, hesitant but sympathetic as I weep into her blouse. Lee helps me unpack, staying close enough to me that he is a near-annoyance at times but the anxiety written all over his face makes me refrain from snapping at him. Even though I feel so desperately unsettled, I do feel a little giddy rush from the blending of my stuff with theirs. Our bedroom is now pretty cool, our posters and pictures filling the walls and the fairy lights from my old bedroom making it cosy. Keeping up the pretence for Gill’s sake, we leave Lee’s bits in the little single room, to make it appear that he’s still inhabiting that space.
I make us dinner, like a proper couple. As Lee leads me to bed, in the place where I am legitimately supposed to be staying tonight, I relax into his arms and the slow, gentle, tender love that we make, it soothes me. His gasping breath against my neck, as he gently thrusts into me, stroking my skin and groaning his pleasure, it comforts me. We sleep completely naked, almost as a 'Fuck You' to what occurred this morning and we let ourselves get lost in the sensations, in the hope of good things ahead.
Monday 28th August 1995
Shay, upon his happier return in Jock’s knackered Volvo, loses the plot when he hears what happened and has to be physically restrained by Lee and Jock from going to the house to kill my mother. Jock appears to have been briefed on the nature of our relationship during his two days with Shay and he has the look of a man who would welcome a lobotomy. Jock looks worried by Lee's descriptions of my mother's behaviour and words.
When Shay blurts out that, “This ain't the first time she's hit her Jock, the woman is a fuckin' psycho”, Jock frowns deeply.
He takes me to one side, “Lorna, I cannae ignore this. I’ll support you tae report her tae the police sweetheart, she cannae treat you like this. I’ll help wi’ organising you a safe place tae stay if you need it lassie, if yous are under any pressure from anyone”, he glances meaningfully at Lee and Shay.
I hug him and tell him that I love the boys, that I am here through my own choice and I don't want to involve the police with my mum. Jock hugs me tight, “You ring me if that changes lassie, y'hear me? If things change fer you and yous need help, you call me”, he kisses me on the head.
Shay has gone from being furious with my mother to completely giddy with the idea of me living in the flat, “Fuckin' YES, Little Red's cookin's mint...no more fuckin' shit food bruv!”, my feminist fury leads me to wallop him viciously with my Biology textbook making Jock laugh loudly.
Shay never really tells us what he talked to Jock about or why he feels better. As the weeks go on, I’ll develop a lot of theories but in truth, with all the crap that's happened, I’m just happy that Shay is 'fixed' and that we can move on. I ignore the warning crackles in the air, the feeling that there are hurts too deep to be mended so easily.
Jock helps us plan a budget. I insist on an even thirds split for household bills, ignoring Lee’s protests that I eat ‘Fuck all’ and Shay’s concerns that it’s not fair because I only work twenty hours a week. Everything is shared evenly, I will pay my own way. I will have some control in this at least. Budget sorted, I leave the lads with Jock for the rest of the afternoon, bidding him a fond goodbye because I have somewhere that I desperately need to go. On wobbly legs, I walk the familiar route to Han's like a zombie as I peruse a mental Rolodex of things that will be different in my life now. I feel a growing weight of responsibility sitting on my shoulders and I feel so completely lost. Nico’s words from that night at the club keep echoing around my brain “Davies, who the actual fuck are you?”, as unwelcome sneers and taunts make up the backing track.
Han answers the door. I’ve seen so little of her this summer that at the sight of her much-loved, familiar face in this house that I know as well as my own, I collapse on her doorstep and cry like I might never stop. I don't care if her mum sees this, I don't care. I just want to be with somebody who cares about me from the life I used to lead, somebody who can tell me who I might actually be. Han gasps and crouches down next to me, wrapping me up in her arms.
I hear footsteps on the stairs behind her and I brace myself for her mum’s voice, “Han, shit, what's happened to Lorna?”, Chris. Her mum can’t be in if Chris is here.
They get me in the house and on the sofa, Chris makes me a cup of tea before he leaves and once we are alone, I tell Han fucking everything. I last saw her on GCSE results day and since then, my world has changed beyond recognition and her absence has been unsettling.
Han cuddles me, she cries with me, she looks as scared as I feel when I talk about the life that has become mine, the shift in my universe. We huddle under the duvet on her sofa and absorb the mutual shock. Han, keen to find some sense of normalcy, distracts me with the details of her relationship with Chris, her introduction to his wider family at BBQs and weddings this summer. As the hours go past, we laugh, giggle, mess around and the heaviness starts to ease. I still have this, things are still OK if I have Han.
A knock at the door jolts us and it's Chris with Nico, who storms in, his gorgeous face frowning, “What do you need Lorn, what can I do? You OK? What the fuck did that bitch do to you now, eh? Cara, Ma has said you can come live at ours if you need?”, his offer is so lovely, his outrage appreciated.
>
I stand up and with a wobbly lip, give him a big hug, relaxing into a cuddle with this boy who is my friend, who is becoming more and more important to me. Han joins us and with a muttered “Fucks sake”, Chris also joins the group hug. The four of us chat and gossip for another hour, making agreements that my new-found independence will not change the fact that I still need my friends.
With an eye roll and a sigh I mutter, “Shit guys, I need to go and cook tea”, as they take the piss and call me 'Cinderella'. I laugh and explain that I'd rather be Cinderella than Salmonella, which is what I'll get if the boys cook.
Nico walks me back to the pub and I plead with him to at least try and get on with Lee and Shay, as nobody is going anywhere fast. He grimaces an agreement that he’ll try before he changes the subject to express his excitement at starting his mechanics course. He also mentions an older girl, Carina, that he spent time with in Italy, a sharp squeeze of jealousy in my chest at this news. He had an amazing holiday and hearing him talk animatedly makes me smile. Nico is proper easy company these days, our friendship developing into something really good. I like this. I need him. He hugs me and tells me that his Ma would let me live at his any time, all I need to do is ask.
I thank him but point out that, “If I move in with a good Catholic lad from a good family, my mum will basically have won Nico. Can't let her have that victory mate”, and I wink at him.
Nico looks at me with those amazing emerald-green eyes, his head cocked and when he speaks, his voice is thick, “Lorn, you move in with me cara and I reckon it's me that's won, eh?”, he looks suddenly embarrassed.
With an eye roll he hugs me again and starts to walk away backwards.“See ya Davies, you pain in the arse”, he salutes and winks.