by Nia Lucas
“Maybe”, I leave the flat without a backwards glance.
At Han's, she holds my hands as we sit on her bed,
“Lorn, I think it’s a mistake to let them stay. They left you, all alone in that fucking flat because they are too immature and pathetic to cope with you going away for a few weeks. I’ve never seen you so broken Lorn and they did that to you but whatever it was that you had with Nico these past few weeks, chick, you were so happy. We’ve had such a laugh the four of us, haven’t we? He’s so good for you Lorn, D’Angelo’s so good for you and now what? You’re throwing whatever that was away and letting them come back? No! Lorn, you need to dump them and go to Ibiza like you’ve planned, get your head straight without them”.
Han grabs my face, making me meet her gaze, “Lor, when they’re not being arseholes who hurt you, I really like those boys but honestly chick? They take up all of you, all your time and energy and we worry about you Lorn, we all worry about you. You’ve lost so much weight and you’re always working...”, her chin wobbles and her voice cracks.
I feel a tear roll down my cheek, tickling my lip as I whisper, “I’m OK Han, you don’t need to worry”.
Han’s face is pained as she wipes away the tears, watching me closely as she croaks, “You know I’ll always tell you the truth Lorn, always. I just don’t understand why you’d want them back after they left like that? ”
I can’t hide my wince. Han might always be truthful with me but I’ve not been returning the favour fully for so long now that the guilt feels overwhelmingly heavy and suddenly, I’m exhausted. I feel my eyes rapidly droop and jerkily, I shift myself to lie down, Han doing the same as she curls around me.
We lie in silence, our breathing the only sound.
“Han?”, my voice is thick with trapped tears.
“Uhuh?”, Han’s breath puffs against my curls.
I feel the drowsiness starting to claim me, even as the slurred words leave my lips, “Han, I don’t think I know who I am any more.”
The light from her bedside lamp fades into black as Han pulls me to her slim frame and holds me close.
Monday 8th April 1996
When I get back to the flat at about 9am from Han's, I find them both dressed and nervous looking, sat like garden statues on the sofa. Lee's face is drawn and tired, Shay looks hopelessly sad.
I smile weakly, “You can stay if you want to”. I don't clarify it further. I realise that Easter Sunday went past without a single Easter Egg and a part of me feels gutted that nobody cared enough to buy me one.
I feel crushed by the weight of the things we need to say, as the day ticks on and distract myself by cleaning the flat while they sleep and play Playstation games.
Gill is confused when I find her in the bar to ask her if she minds them being back, “Lorna love, I have no problem with them staying if it's honestly your choice but sweetheart, would it not be better to take it slowly? I don't want to see you hurt again Lorna, you're so young, love”, she smiles at me kindly and holds my arms.
I make some pacifying comments, I insist that this is what I want, I reassure her that I'm sure. I bullshit. She smiles weakly and nods at me. Back inside the flat thought, I’m so confused and frightened about how to put this right that I do exactly what drove us into this situation in the first place and I avoid talking to them about what’s happening or about how I feel. Instead, while the boys pop out to the shops, I sneak out with Han and Chris to the cinema. Nico is 'busy', news that Chris imparts quietly, staring at his feet but looking at me accusingly. Lee is silent when, returning to grab some PJ's, I tell him that I've decided to stay at Han's again. Shay just nods and tells me in a monotone that he's rung a guy they did some work for and that they have a few weeks work starting tomorrow. As I walk out of the flat without responding, the intensity of the confusion I feel renders me breathless at one point, almost dropping me to the floor as I fight the urge to turn around and run back inside. To them.
Tuesday 9th April 1996
I worked for Gill all day Spring Cleaning the hotel. It bagged me an extra £60 and I went straight from the cleaning into my waitressing shift. I couldn’t face them, I couldn’t face going back to the flat with no clue about how to handle this situation. At the end of my shift I find myself walking out of the front door into the dark and cold, without my coat. I walk to my Dad's and I climb up onto the porch roof and knocking at Dan's window. His look of terror as he flings open the curtains is almost comical,
“Jesus Midget, thank Christ it's you. What you doing here?”, as he helps me into his room.
I shake my head sadly and just hug him, his frame as tall as Shay's now. I don’t cry but I just hold onto him, shaking.
Dan, bless him, doesn't ask for any more information, “You wanna stay here Lorn?”, I nod into his chest as he gives me a squeeze.
We ‘top and tail’ in Dan's bed like we did when we were kids, except this time, I am entirely too lost in my own head to sleep.
Dan periodically pats my feet and mumbles, “It'll be okay Midget. It'll be okay, go sleep”
Wednesday 10th April 1996
Mum and Dad left for work this morning, unaware that I'd spent my first night in their house for eight months. I’ve worked for Gill all day and all evening again and now, at the end of my restaurant shift, I can avoid them no longer. I walk slowly up the stairs, tingles of relief when I hear them joking and arguing about something to do with a game on the Playstation. This sounds normal. My breath hitches as I enter the lounge. They look like them again. They've lost that vulnerability, they look clean and washed, they look fed, they look fucking gorgeous. Shay’s lost the spots and Lee’s had his hair barbered. They look like they never left. I clap my hand to my mouth too late to hide the sob that leaves it as Lee jumps up and runs towards me, pulling me into a bruising hug. I lean into him and inhale, my hands reaching for his familiar shape.
He presses a kiss to my hair, aware that perhaps a proper kiss is too much right now. Shay’s hovering like a spare part, clearly unsure what to do. It's me that crosses the space, gently leaving Lee's arms and I hug Shay close. I pull him close and feel him sigh and relax, his hands stroking my hair with real gentleness.
With awkward smiles and some welcome distraction when the electricity meter runs out unexpectedly, we eventually sit on the sofa and we talk. They tell me what happened after...after they left the club that night. Those girls, student housemates it turns out, the boys did go home with them but they did not sleep with them, they waited until the girls went to bed and slept on their sofa.
Shay is so filled with remorse, I can’t help but ache for him. “Little Red, I only, I only did it tha' one time, the time when you was there, at the club. I'm...I'm so, so fuckin' sorry. She weren't nothin', a fuckin' mistake. It was only that one time”, Shay looks agonised.
The boys slept in the car or at random flats for four weeks. They had no money. Brian gave them ad hoc shifts but it was nothing major because he's got no space on his crew, their old jobs filled. They managed to see a few old faces from the Farm but they were nervous about spending too much time there, going to people's houses only if they had no other choice. They got into trouble. They did a pump and run at a petrol station which they didn't get caught for and they got into some fights. They are horribly quiet about the final Petrol Station robbery that saw them arrested. I strongly suspect that their de-arrest was as much of a surprise to them as it was to the police. They've changed the bail address to here. They have to report to the local Police station next week. Their solicitor has told them that nightclub fight charges are being dropped due to lack of evidence and the bail will cease at that report next week. It's clear, from the smirks, that they are also guilty of this crime too, lucky to get away with it.
The whole time we were apart, Lee says he wanted to come back here, to see me.
Shay readily admits that he was, “Too fuckin' mad wi' you Little Red to see straight”.
Lee whispers that he was not
mad. He was filled with regret and desperate to get things straightened out. Shay looks painfully guilty as he watches Lee. They could not afford the petrol to come here, had nobody to lend them cash. They rang the pub loads but I never answered and they wanted to avoid Gill. They could not afford the club entrance fees to see me on a Saturday, they were too scared of my reaction to wait for me outside. When they got arrested, it was Jock they rang and from there, he started to try and get them sorted. They were there that day when I wore my armour, they saw me leave Jock in the cafe.
Upon hearing what I'd said to Jock, Shay tells me that Lee went,
“Fuckin' mental Little Red. He threw chairs, messed shit up. Jock had to proper restrain him and drag him out, he 'ain't had to pull that move for years”.
Lee’s looking at his feet, his shoulders slumped, “Figured I'd fuckin' lost you, we'd proper lost you Shortie. I....I couldn't handle it”, he's shaking his head.
I whisper. “Nobody's ever hurt me like you two did that night, not even Mum”, I stare at them as they avoid my gaze.
I reach out for Lee's hand, his eyes widening in shock as I confess, “I was too scared, y'know, to tell you about Ibiza before that night. I was so scared that you’d both kick off and that it would cause shit between us all but I want to go so badly. I honestly didn't want to hurt you, Ibiza is not us breaking up or anything. It's four months, seeing each other every 4 weeks. It's an opportunity I can't turn down. Justin said he couldn’t get you work so I figured that you guys would carry on as normal here, come out maybe for a two or three week holiday, if Shay can get a passport sorted. I'll be back in June anyway for those modular exams”, my tone is overly enthusiastic to the point of making myself cringe.
I take a deep breath and look at the ceiling, “I am so sorry I didn't tell you what I was planning but it turns out that those worries about how you'd react? Well, they were well fucking founded, eh?”, I shake my head and roll my eyes as they both wince and look uncomfortable.
I tell them that I regret hurting Nico by messing him around. The mention of his name sees both of them scowl deeply. I suspect that this renewed animosity towards Nico will not be easily remedied. Wounds opened, it feels like we start to heal. In the kitchen getting a drink before bed, Lee follows me and cuddles me from behind pressing kisses into my neck and turning me gently so that I face him. He looks at me for permission as he slowly lowers his head and presses a gentle kiss to my lips. We don't deepen it, it doesn't progress. It's just lovely. Shay and I hug, he kisses my hair but we still don't kiss. I can't. Not yet. I should be put out by their presumption when, with no discussion, they follow me to the small bedroom and we sleep together on the floor bed for the first time. It's only cuddling but it gives a message, it suggests forgiveness but I am not annoyed because wrapped in their warm arms, I sleep. I relax my guard. I let the cold, hard, quiet speaking girl go back into storage.
Monday 15th April 1996
We've spent the week getting more relaxed with each other, getting back to us again. The elephant in the room is sex. We haven't had any. I get changed every morning and night in the privacy of the bathroom. I lock the door when I shower. I haven't even kissed Shay yet. That elephant sits there, its presence heavy in those minutes between crawling under the covers and falling asleep.
Today marks the One Year anniversary of the night of the stabbings. It's been one year since that painful day of misunderstandings and cruel words, a day that led up to the worst night of our lives. We woke up this morning with an unspoken weight sitting on all three of us, despite the fact that the boys have got the day off after working on the site yesterday. We drive into town to get Ibiza clothes as we try and distract ourselves.
They’re coming to Ibiza. It was inevitable I guess. We arranged it on Saturday before my shift at the club, Justin paid for their tickets on his credit card and the lads gave him the cash upfront. Justin has spoken to his mate with the grandmother so the apartment is ours and he’s put us in touch with a couple of people who might have work for the lads out there. Shay spoke to Jock and he's helping him with a Passport application, the absence of either parent making his first-time passport application a nightmare frankly.
After a weird, subdued shopping trip and an evening playing pool in silence, the three of us are in bed by 10pm, wide eyed and antsy. I'm back to school tomorrow and I feel anxious about whether we will ever go back to feeling 'normal' again. In the silence, I reach out and hold their hands, lying on my back and trying to hide the tears that are leaking out of my eyelids. I’m managing OK, I feel like I might be able to fall asleep eventually when I feel Shay's shoulders against mine, start to shake, his body vibrating. Shay's not crying, he's going through memories that are scaring him. Shay is scared.
I turn to him, I see his beautiful face in profile in the dark, the face that I love, I see his pain and I realise that I want to make him OK, that I love him too much to not make this OK. Without speaking, I reach out in the dark and I stroke his face, gently turning him to me as I kiss Shay O'Driscoll for the first time in over five weeks. I weep at how familiar it feels, how much I have missed this. His taste is like coming home, my tears washing away the hurt. Shay mobilises into action like a drowning man thrown a life-raft. He’s everywhere, tracing my body and my lips like he's reacquainting himself with a much loved holiday resort. His tongue against mine is like a balm, his fingers on my breasts warm my heart, they melt the plastic.
Lee is there, he's pressed against me, kissing me, loving me. I reach back, my hands in his soft spikes, my back arched into his chiselled torso. I dissolve into this oh-so-missed part of me, this part of who I am. We love, we make love for slow, gentle hours, the three of us, soothing away the hurt, the confusion, the brokenness, with touches, kisses, lips, pushes, rubbing, licking, gasping. When Lee finally slips inside me as I ride him, his groan sounds like a prayer, my name a litany on his lips. In an unusual move for us, Lee kisses me non-stop as he fills me so beautifully with every downward thrust of my hips, as Shay presses kisses to my spine, groaning his own pleasure against my skin. When Lee comes, gasping into my mouth, a tear slips from the corner of his eye and I kiss it away. I lift off Lee and Shay slips into me from behind and at the feel of him, at the sensation of Shay's sharper muscles moving against the skin of my back, I pull him into an awkward kiss that screams absolution as Shay murmurs a litany of filth-laden gratitude and happiness at being back together. Slipping between their kisses and touches, I fall into the orgasm that makes me cry with relief. Shay comes, groaning that he loves me.
We are so lost in the sensations, in our arousal, that silently, the 16th April arrives and the actual hour and minute of the anniversary passes us by. Three hundred and sixty five days to the minute from that horror on the car park floor, I am in their embrace, all of us gasping not from pain and misery but from bliss. Alive, together.
And that's how we are from that night onwards. We’re together again. LeeLorShay. We cling to what we have with a fierceness that we didn't have before. We stare down the concerned looks from my friends, my brother and Gill. We ignore the defensive overtones, the fact that maybe, just maybe, we’re so fierce about us because something fundamental got broken. We've patched it, glued it, we're happy with the repair but if we took it to the 'Antiques Roadshow', they'd point out the break and it would not be worth anywhere near as much. Its purity would be sullied. We ignore the fracture in plain sight as we invest our energy in protecting what we so nearly lost.
Four weeks later, I’m holding their hands as the plane takes off. Shay is pressed against me, absolutely terrified by his first ever flight and almost impossible to calm down as he masks his fear with pissing about on an epic scale. Lee is gripping me, his anxiety about the unknown that lies ahead of us making him teeter on the edge of losing it. Sat between them, they hold me like they need me to breathe, their hands crushing the bones in mine, their heads pressed into my shoulders. I hold them like I need them to make me whole, I hold them to me like a
talisman.
I choose them.
Chapter Fourteen
November 1983
“So Leon and Malachi, this is Susan, she’ll be your care worker here at Albion House. Now, as you can hear from all that noise, young Seamus is none too pleased about moving rooms so I’m going to ask Leon to share with him because you boys are the same age and Malachi will take the single because he's older”, I don't know this lady that's talking, she's smilin' but I got no idea why.
Some kid is yellin' upstairs and Malachi looks worried. The big man, Jock, he's talkin' to another lady. I don't know her neither. I don't know nobody here. I want Pops to come fetch me. Mal says he ain't never comin' back but I don't believe him. Pops will come get me. Now that this Jock man took us away from her, Pops’ll come. He'll come and we'll go on that holiday to the place wiv' the beaches and the fishes, like he said.
I don't like this place but he'll be here soon so it don't matter. I wanna go to my school and sleep in the reading tent, Mrs. Walker says I can sleep in there when I'm tired or worried. I'm tired now. My back hurts bad from the stitches.
Someone shouts, “Who the fuck is this, Jock?”.
The big white man Jock sounds pissed off, “Seamus O'Driscoll, use language like that again my boy and I willnae be allowin' you tae have your pocket money. Put a civil tongue in your head and say hello tae Leon and Malachi. They've come tae stay fer a few days”.
The boy on the stairs he's not scared though, he's smilin' and he's got some teeth that are black at the front.