by Nia Lucas
I don't listen no more. I don't wanna. I don't wanna do nothin'. Pops will come and get us soon, we ain't stayin' here. I just gotta wait for Pops. He'll come back soon.
March 1992
It's the quiet that don't let me sleep in this shitty B&B. Albion, that shithole was always loud man, always noisy. Then at the hostel, that place was madness. Shay, you can hear that fucker any place he is, he ain't nothin' like quiet but shit goes down at this B&B all day and all fuckin' night and it's silent. Ghosts up to no good.
He's been on remand in Feltham ten days. Me, I've been at this B&B near on two weeks and I don't give a shit what Jock says, there ain't no 'long term solution' to this. Temporary? Albion was temporary. Nine years on, I was still there. I ain't gettin' no other place, here's it I reckon. That solicitor told Shay he's gonna get five years if he's fuckin' lucky, for handlin' Malachi's shit. Me and him, we spent like ten nights total apart in nine years. Now it's twenty nights. He's gonna be gone long times for gettin’ involved in shit that he ain't never had a part of before. He never told me what he was doin' and now he's fucked.
I know that slag stayin’ in the room next door is smokin' heavy shit, it comes in under the door. It's all I can fuckin' smell. It smells like her and in my head I'm back there, in that shitty flat wiv' them burns and the belts, all day long. I ain't spoken to nobody for four days. Jock, he's got like twenty other kids to handle so him and me, we don't meet up often. Sixteen, no job, no college. Me and the dole man just one time every few weeks. I got nobody. It ain't safe wiv' them dealers lookin' for me. I don't leave this place.
The TV in this room don't work. Jock phoned the boss man, he said he'd sort it but I ain't seen no sortin'. Nothin'. Fuckin' silent. Sold the stereo to try pay off them boys. Sold everythin'. I sit on my bed all day, that's all I do. They put me on the banned list at the nick, I ain't allowed in to see Shay. 'No association' even if I could get there. Five years ‘til I see him.
We got them locked cupboards in the shitty kitchen here but some fucker messed my lock and took my munch. I got nothin' now ‘til the dole money on Thursday. I'm done. I'm fuckin' done man. I lay there, last night, hungry as fuck and I worked shit out. I worked out that Jock, he'd be the only one there. They ain't gonna let Shay out for a mate's funeral, you only get to go to family ones. It'll just be Jock at mine then.
I've felt it, those flames swirlin' like a snake round my chest for days. That feelin'. It pulls me, drags me. Them times before, it pulled me quick, took me under fast. Taking all them pills, goin’ up on that car park roof them times before, I just...I just let the fire turn my bones to ash like a flash. But this, this is a slow game bruv. Slow and steady burn. I'll be twenty-fuckin'-one before I got anybody to talk to. I got five years of fuckin' silence ahead.
I'm done wiv' this peice-of-shit life that don't mean shit to nobody, not even me. I ain't no whole person wivout him, I'm half a fuckin' person. Half of nothin' is less than nothin'. Shay, he'll find people, he gets on OK.
Them rope things from the curtains can make a noose and that big bracket in the bathroom ceilin' is callin’ my name. I know what I'm gonna fuckin' do. It’ll work this time. I'm finished, I'm fuckin' done.
Saturday 4th February 1995f
I swear down, that shithead takes me one more of these raves of Nath's, I'm gonna kill the prick. Pay us? No way, Nath is a shifty cunt, he ain't payin' us and now we're in the middle of fuckin' nowhere. Shay met Nath when he got wiv' that Tasmin from college. Shay was at college for like three days 'fore he got kicked out but he still managed to pull her and get laid. That Tasmin took him to some club, Nath saw that dickhead dance and we been doin' shit for him on and off since.
In the dark, I don't see her ‘til Shay has near on knocked her down. I shunt into him and it's only him grabbin' her and me pullin' him back up that stops us all stackin' it. She's proper small, crazy hair everywhere and I stand there like a prick.
She just looks at me and says, “Two pricks”.
I feel the fire roaring in me as I bite, “I'll fuckin' let you fall next time bitch”, and her eyes go panicked.
She shouts, “JUSTIN!!”
Shay's got his hands up, lookin' for the security to come lift us but they don't come, there ain't no security. Some skinny little prick comes over, I know his face and Shay chats shit wiv him. Her, she just stands there and it's like I can't stop lookin' at her. She ain't nothin' like the girls I know. She ain’t frontin’, she jus’ looks lost.
She catches me lookin’ and I can't be doin' wiv' this, “Fuck this shit”, Shay stops me goin’ and tells me we gotta find Nath.
I feel her eyes on me and it pisses me off so I do what I always do, I bite back, “Yeah well, that little bitch can fuck off”.
She looks proper shocked, it don't make me feel good. When me and him, like pricks, end up dancin', I feel her watchin'. I keep my head in the game but it's tough man coz I swear down, every part of me wants to just stand and look at her, just watch to work out what she is. Safe or not safe? Then she's dancin' by us and shit man, she can move. She's lookin' at me like she don't like me, like she's got beef wiv' me. I can't look back at her coz I always look like a fuckin' prick round girls but he don't. Shay never fuckin' does, not wiv' that face and that chat.
Shay's seen her, he's seen what I'm seein'. “Come on, work it wi' me for a bit”, he's made his move.
Later, she gets in the back of Nath's motor next to me and I feel sick wiv' the jitters it gives me. Her name's Lorna. Nath's offered her the same gig as us in a few weeks, some big night or some shit. I can't stop lookin' at her, trying to work out what she is. Safe or not safe. Shay, he don't give no time to watchin'. That prick, he jumps right into every situation, creatin' noise and drama wiv' no checkin'. I watch. I always fuckin' watch. When she gets in the back of that car wiv' me and that other skinny little fucker, I feel like I won somethin'. I ain't never won nothin'. She's chattin' to skinny but I look at her when she ain't facin' me. I never seen hair like hers before. She smells so good. Her voice, it's so soft, proper gentle. She's got a weird accent, 'bit like Shay's but different.
Then she touches my hand and it feels like that time Shay dared me to put the fork in the toaster at Albion. She looks at me, stares at me wiv' them big, green eyes and I feel proper fucked. She don't move. I don't move. She's touchin' my hand and it feels like it's on fire, like when I kick off. Instead of my whole body though, the flame’s just in my hand, just where she's touchin' it. She turns away but she don't move her hand. I can't handle this, it's too fuckin' messed up but as soon as I stop feelin' her skin, I feel like I’m gonna lose it. I touch her again and it all chills back out, like a magic spell, chillin' me out. I don't know this girl, what the fuck is this?
Then she reaches out, swear down even though it's just her little finger on my hand, it feels like she's got her fuckin' hand wrapped round my dick. Just for a second but then her hand is gone and I gotta stare out the window for the rest of the ride, to stop myself jumpin' her. I watch her when she gets out the car. I watch her and say nothin', coz I’ve got nothin' and girls like her, they don't mix it wiv' boys like me and him. We ain't shit.
She's gone an’ that skinny prick is the only one knows how to get hold of her now.
Skinny’s leanin' forward, talkin' to Nath ‘bout that gig she’s doing wiv us, “...I just need to get her some transport sorted. She, er, she doesn't drive so she hasn't got a lift….”.
The words, they come out my mouth before I know it, “We'll give her a lift if she fuckin' needs one”. Skinny looks like I just shanked him and Shay is smilin' at me and shakin' his head. Dickheads.
Saturday 6th April 1996
I can hear Jock roarin' at me, I feel him grab me but I ain't listenin' and he can't hold me. All I can hear is what he said just now. “Lads, she tells me she’s got hersel’ a new fella and I cannae blame her for tha’, wi’ the way you wallopers treated the lassie. You've lost her boys and yous hae lost tha' flat, so we need tae mo
ve on and make yous a plan tae be safe in this shite hole of a city long-term, eh? Tha’s if yous dinnae go tae feckin' prison you daft wee bastards”. Jock, he don't chat shit. If he says somethin', it's truth. “You've lost her boys”
I don’t know I’ve lost it ‘til I see chairs fuckin' flyin', I can hear him an’ Shay tellin' me to chill but I ain't chillin' coz my head is full of noise and the only way to get out of it is to kick the fuck off. I got no control over it, I move and I trash shit coz if I don't, I'm just ashes bruv, I'm just fuckin' ashes when it's done wiv' me. Shortie. We seen her just now, leavin' this cafe. Shay lost it when he saw what she was wearin', how hot she looked. Him and me was hopin' that she'd just put it right, like she puts every fuckin' thing right. We reckoned Jock'd tell her we need her, she'd meet us and we'd sort gettin' back wiv' her. “You've lost her boys”
I was so fuckin' angry wiv' her that night, I ain't never felt angry wiv' her 'fore. Her droppin' that she was goin' to Ibiza for four fuckin' months wiv’out us? I felt like she'd punched me, gutted me. Fuckin' hurt me. Shortie, she ain't never done shit that weren't nothin' but kind or funny. This? This was painful. Shay, he's a mean motherfucker when he feels like shit, he’s brutal. Truth? I wanted her to hurt too. That skank club girl I pulled, I kept my eyes on Shortie, watchin' as she saw what I was doin'. As soon as we was out of that club, I never touched the bitch, didn't want no part of her. Ashes. All I taste since that night are fuckin' ashes.
These weeks back in the madness just me an’ him, I got the darkness again, hear them whispers that fuck my head. Feel it slippin'. I can't fuckin' sleep wiv'out her. I can't think straight. We done a Petrol Station robbery, a stupid job wiv' some clueless cunts from Albion days to get dough. I was the wheels, Shay was the watch but them dozy cunts, they fucked it. We got picked up by the Feds but CCTV got them other boys and they ain't no snitches. We're clear.
Jock gets me across the chest, the old bastard's always been bigger. He gets me the fuck out that cafe before them women call the Feds, Shay's got me too. They're shoutin' but I can't hear nothin' over the noise in my head. I just want Shortie. I fuckin' need her. She's everythin'. She goes, I'm fuckin' nothin'. We ain't nothin'. Shortie. Lor. Jock's got me on the fuckin' floor, pinnin' me like staff at Albion when I was a kid and out of my fuckin' mind. I’m Twenty and my fuckin' social worker’s still gotta pin me to stop me gettin' pulled by the Feds. No job, no flat, no fuckin' life. Fucked.
You've lost her.
I watch as Jock looks like he's got the shock of his miserable bastard life. He gets up off me and he's lookin' at me like he's never seen me before. I look at Shay and he looks fuckin' ruined. I don't get what's goin' on wiv' them 'til I taste the salt on my face: I'm bawlin'. Grown-assed man and I'm cryin' like a dick and I can't fuckin' stop. All I see is her, walkin' away up that road just now. I see her face in the club when she watched us fuck her over.
You've lost her boys.
I ain't never cried. Not once. Shay knows that. Jock fuckin' knows it. Tha’s what’s freaked them out. That evil bitch beat me and burnt me and I never bawled. Weren't no point cryin', who the fuck gonna come rescue me? Bawlin' makes you weak. Pops fucked off, Malachi passed and I ain't cried then neither. Pops made his choice, bawlin' ain't gonna change that. Malachi messed wiv' shit that he knew was gonna fuck him up but that was his choice. Cryin' does jack shit. But see, she's walkin' around in the life we left her in, in our flat, sleepin' in our bed. She's still here and I feel like I'm dyin' coz we lost that. I see all flashes of times wiv' her. I see her on Christmas, see her smile. I feel her softness. I see her wiv' that stupid fuckin' birthday cake, singin'. I see her, I always see her, stood by the side of the pub that night she told me she loved me. I feel what me and him have proper fucked up.
I can't stop the bawlin', it's like it's taken me over. I'm punchin' the wall and roarin' but it won't fuckin' stop. I go down like I've been shot, on my knees. I know I'm sayin' her name, shoutin' it, I can feel it on my lips but I can't hear nothin', all I hear is them flames roarin'. I feel Jock's hand on my shoulder, I dunno how long we're there, I dunno how it all calms the fuck down but it does.
Jock, he looks proper wrecked, “ I...I didnae know Leon lad, I didnae realise that this wi' Lorna was so serious for you son. Here's the money for petrol, pay me back another time. Just go put this right and tell tha’ wee lassie tha’ you're sorry”.
I nod. She's everythin' man. Everythin'.
Monday 29th April 1996
“Hey you! Well this is a nice surprise, I thought you were doing that warehouse build? Has Shay headed into London?”, Shortie's walkin' towards me across her school car park.
I smile coz she's got pen all over her face, “Yeah, I'm on lunch. Shay headed to the station, reckons he's gettin'' the coach back. Fuck knows, he's Jock's problem today. C'mere Shortie”, and she smiles as I wipe her cheek and pull her in for a kiss.
We’ve been back home wiv’ Shortie for three weeks and he's gone wiv' Jock into the city to try sort his passport coz he ain't got no parents to sign the form.
The taste of her makes me buzz, “Shortie, we gotta go some place, yeah. You got more lessons?”, I'm pullin' her to the car anyways, I don't give a shit.
She's laughin' at me but she tells me that no, she ain't got lessons 'til after lunch and I feel myself smile against her lips, them beautiful lips. We're in the car and it's just us and it's fuckin' perfect. When it's me and her together, I make out that this is what it's always like. That I'm her boy and she's my girl and it's just us.
“Let's go to the Mill Pond, yeah?”, she's grinnin' that troublemaker grin that means I'm in for good times and that car ain't ever moved faster to that pond.
We park up and she takes my hand. Every time that girl takes hold of my fuckin' hand, it's like stickin’ the fork in that toaster. I been wiv' her more than a year, I seen her naked more times than I know but when she catches hold of my hand, I still feel like I've been sparked. That warehouse build, it's good dough and we need it coz me and him, we're goin' to Ibiza wiv' Shortie. I can't think 'bout that too much coz shit changin' does my head in but Shortie plays these Spanish CDs in the car on the way to school, makes me laugh at her chattin' Spanish.
She's leadin' me down to that field behind the Mill pond place. She brought us here the first time we come down to see her, that time we went to her school. It's so fuckin' quiet here, peaceful. Shay, he needs the noise in town, he needs the madness. Me? I could stay here wiv' her for ever. I'd stay anywhere wiv' her. She lays us down in the grass and we're kissin', she's lyin' on me, my hands are full of that crazy hair. She's mine, she's fuckin' mine.
“Lee, Lee I love you. I love you so much”, she whispers against my skin and my heart, it sits easy. It sits right. I fuckin' love her like nothin' and nobody else.
Them few seconds when I first go inside her, when I first feel her, I can't breathe coz it's too good. Now she's ridin' me in this field, I've got her tits in my mouth and I’m in her, she’s holdin' me tight and it's the best fuckin’ lunchtime in years as she makes me come hard. After, I hold her so close that I don't reckon she can breathe. I'm sweaty and breathin' like I'm runnin' from the Feds. She's lookin' at me as she laughs. Her lips are so soft and her smile, it's just fuckin' perfect.
She strokes my face and she whispers in my ear, “I love you, Lee”.
It sounds different, though, the way she says it, like she's wanting me to pay attention when she says 'you'. Forceful. I look at her and there ain't no laughter in her face no more. For a minute, she looks wrecked.
She stares at me as she whispers, “You”.
I reckon Shay's got bigger fuckin' problems than a passport.
Sunday 9th June 1996
It's 8am and Bognor or whatever her Spanish ass is called's at the door, bangin' and hollerin', “Lorena”. Bognor owns this place and she hates me and Shay but she fuckin' loves Lor somethin' comical.
Lor is bare naked lyin' on me like a furnace but I ain't movin'
her coz right now, that fine ass is in my hands and if Bognor pisses off, I reckon I can get wiv' Shortie nice and slow for a good hour 'fore Shay wakes up. He worked a double at Justin's club yesterday fixin' shit that was broken and then worked all night doin' flyers and security while Lor danced. Shay was there for twenty fuckin' hours and when he came home wiv' Lor at 5am, he couldn't even speak proper he was that knackered.
Shortie was dancin' at that other club Justin works at, the big one wiv' the high podiums. Up on them, she looks like a fuckin' angel. I love watchin' her, love knowin' that it's us gets to wake up wiv' her every mornin'. I was doin' the poi's outside on the street, my Saturday night regular shift but it’s only eight hours so I get to go in the club and watch her for a bit after. We need the dough, we're tryin' to get the whole summer's rent paid on this Ibiza shithole before Shortie goes back home next week for them exams.
Oh fuck man, she's wakin' up. I'll kill that old bitch.
“Wassat? Lee?”, Lor is still asleep, her crazy-cool hair all over the shop.
I kiss her and bob at the door, “Your best mate, Old Bitch Bognor”, I laugh.
Lor tuts and smacks my chest as she climbs over me to get her t-shirt. Christ those tits.
“Berengaria's just lonely, be kind”, she scolds as she puts knickers on. Oh man, don't cover that fine fuckin' ass.
I hear her talk in the kitchen, I hear Bognor gettin' agitated. Shortie don't speak much Spanish but Bognor don't give a shit, talkin' to Shortie like Lor understands every word and that crazy girl smiles and nods coz she's too fuckin' nice. The door shuts and I go in the shitty kitchen, wiv' the broken cooker and the massive crack on the wall that looks like it'll fuckin' fall down any minute and see Lor's gone. I figure that Bognor needed somethin' so I go back to bed.