by Nia Lucas
We get back to the site wiv'out talkin' and I give Damian the checked-off Yard dockets and the van keys and I walk off, away from Shay.
“Lee, c'mon, I wanna get some munch”, he's shoutin' cross the yard at me.
I just flip him the bird and walk off. I wanna be nowhere near that fucker right now. He's killed it. He's killed us. Every second that I know he fucked that girl and Lor don't? I can't never feel good or honest again wiv' her, it's like he's trashed it.
“Lee, bruv?”, he's followed me.
I feel them flames, they're everywhere in me right now. I feel the ashes in my mouth and the pull of the fire on my bones and I lose it. I proper fuckin' lose it. I feel them punches connectin', I feel him pushin' me, I feel the moment that he snaps and he starts punchin' back but I can't stop.
Me and Shay, this ain't a new thing. First time ever, it was after Malachi passed and I'd gone up on that car park to jump. The Feds got Jock and he come and got me down, took me to see some counsellor and then he took us back to the hostel. Shay just fuckin' lost it, started on me, landed some proper punches. He was roarin' at me never to pull that shit again. He told me that if I died, he fuckin' died. He told me that he ain't got nobody but me.
He didn't do it that time I took all them pills at the hostel, after them boys had got at me. I was messed up man, them boys had took a bat to me before I took them pills. I was too messed up in hospital for Shay to start shit wiv' me. Instead, he started dealin’shit that saw him fuckin' remanded.
He's wipin' the blood off his face wiv' that look that says he don't know what's goin' on, “Fuckin' get off me Lee, wha' the fuck's your problem?”
I push him, “YOU! Gettin’ wiv that bitch from the yard, you're the end of us wiv' Shortie, you know that? I'll fuckin' end you for that bruv”, I hear the words come out my mouth and I feel like my heart just took a blade. His eyes, they go wide from the shock but I just walk off site.
It's 'bout three miles to Shortie's school but I don't give a shit, I start walkin'. All I see in my head is life wiv' Lor, the shit I love 'bout bein' wiv' her. The life I'm gonna lose coz of that prick. At her school, it's still lessons so I sit and wait in the car park. Some bell goes and I got no clue why but I leg it to hide behind a wall.
I see Dan wiv' his mates. He's a good kid Dan, he's solid. He gets on the bus but jumps off again when he sees Lor. He runs to her and carries her off, laughin'. Han's pissin' herself stood next to her. Lor, she's laughin' like I ain't seen her do for a while. That beautiful smile. She's got my Lakers top on again, sneaky bitch nicks it all the time, she's stretched it wiv' them tits too. Dan puts her down and the kid looks at her worried, stares at her when she talks to Han. I know why he worries. Shortie's too thin man, she ain't been eatin' right for time, maybe even ‘fore Ibiza. She just says she just ain't hungry. She looks sad too sometimes, looks fuckin' fragile.
Them buses all go and Lor's walkin' over to the sports studio place where she dances. She goes in and I reckon I just need to watch her for a bit, work out what the fuck is happenin' to us. I sneak in like a ninja and go up into the open bit above the studio, where she can't see me. She comes in, she's wearin' them silver shorts from way back and I watch her put on her tunes and dance, movin’ like she's fuckin’ magic. I watch her and it hits me so hard that I can't catch my breath.
Time's up.
We was always goin' to fuck this up. What the fuck do we bring to her, eh? We ain't done more than just survive since we was kids. She goes to Uni and she goes places that me and him, we don't have no part in.
The music, she stops it, breathin' heavy and I see her reach in her bag for a big envelope. There's a whole mess of stuff falls out and she's got her back to me but I can see that she's tense. She's holdin' the letter in one hand, shakin' as she's readin' it.
Some woman walks in though, “Ooops, sorry Lorna, I didn't realise you were in here, I was just about to lock up. Look, can you do me a favour? When you leave, pull the door closed until it clicks?”.
I see Shortie smile, “Sure, no worries Miss. Trent”.
The woman pats her arm, “You star! Oooooh, is that a University letter you've got there Lorna? Good news?”.
I hear the smile in Shortie’s voice, “Oh, um, yeah, yeah really good news actually. I've got an unconditional offer for my first choice Uni”.
The woman hugs her, “Oh Lorna, that's incredible news, congratulations! Where are you going?”
Shortie's still smiling, I hear it in her voice, “Leeds. I'm, er, I'm going to Leeds”.
The woman says somethin’ else and then she goes.
Leeds.
I mean, this ain't no massive shock. I seen how she looks when we talk 'bout London but now, now this shit is confirmed. Lor puts her favourite tune on from Ibiza, it’s the Taucher track that she fuckin’ loves. She cranks it up and goes for it.
Shortie in Ibiza, she was wildfire man, unbe-fuckin-lievable. That girl on the podium? We couldn't believe that she was ours, watchin' her up there. Truth? She ain't ours. We just got a bit of time wiv' her. We got two years. We can't keep up wiv' her and I don't reckon we was ever meant to. I hear that voice come back, I ain't heard it for a while. You ain't nothin'. You got nothin'. You got nobody
When she goes and changes, I leg it out the studio and head for the car park. Shay's there and I walk over.
He eyeballs me, “You told her?”
I take the cig he's holdin' out, shakin’ my head and lookin’ out over the car park, “Nah. It won't make no difference though”.
He don't get it, “Lee, wha’ the fuck you chattin' 'bout you dick?”, I look at him. My best mate. My fuckin' blood. I look at the fat lip and bruises that I gave him and I know that all I got, all I ever have, it's him.
I shake my head, “It don't make no difference what stupid shit you pull Shay. Me and you? We've lost her anyways”.
I feel him get ready to kick off, “Nah, nah, you're wrong Lee, you got tha’ wrong. Tha’ bitch at the yard? She were...she were just a stupid fuckin' mistake. Just...I was just pissed off wi’ Lor, I just... We ain't gonna lose Lor if she don't never find out? We ain't losin' her Lee, we....we can't fuckin' lose her. You listenin' bruv? You fuckin' hear this? She's OURS and we ain't gonna lose her. We're goin' to London in them few weeks, when she's done here, it's all cool, it's all good”, he nods like he's agreein' wiv' the shit he's chattin'.
Shortie comes out, she smiles but she don't look right neither. He tells her that he got in a brawl at work when she spots the damage on his face. She spends ten minutes givin' him shit that any other fuckin' time, would make me piss myself laughin' but I ain't laughin' today. Coz the reason she's botherin' to give him shit? It's coz she loves him, she wants good things for him. She don't want him gettin' aggro at work and he's stood there, his dick still wet from some other slag and he's stood there like a slap in the face to that love that Lor's got.
Then she reaches out and touches the damage she don't know I done and she kisses him. She kisses him like she wants to fix somethin' wiv' that kiss. She kisses him like that flinch that set off this fuckin' shit-storm last night, that flinch, it weren't nothin' more than a cold chill.
She walks over to me and whispers, “Hey you, I missed you”, and she's kissin' me.
I let it take me, spend ages kissin' her. Good thing too, coz Shay, that fucker walks off like he's just goin' for a piss but he's bawlin' and he don't want us to see coz he just realised how big he's fucked up. We're losin' her. He comes back, his eyes are red but she don't see.
She makes us tea, she goes wiv' him to his class, she does her fuckin' homework, she ruins me on the Playstation, she does the washin', she plays pool wiv' Han, Chris and fuckin' D'Angelo and she comes to bed. She comes to bed and me and him love her like this is the last night we ever got wiv' her. There ain't no easy lines between us all. He's in her, I'm in her, she's lettin' us love her, she's kissin' us, touchin' our skin and tryin' so hard to put us right again, like we was. But she don't know
what it is she's fixin'. She don't know.
I hear her cry in the bathroom but I can't move, she don't want me in there wiv' her. When they both sleep, I sneak out. I go down the stairs, get in the fuckin freezin' car, drive it round the corner and I bawl like I ain't never done before. I let it fuckin' take me, it makes me feel like I'm dyin'. Them tears, they're for all of us. Me, him, her, Malachai, even fuckin' Pops. When I feel so sick that I can't fuckin' bawl no more, I park back up and let it calm.
I get back in bed and she’s awake, “Lee, you OK?”
My throat is like ash, “Mm, You 'kay Shortie?”
I hear her take a breath and whisper, “No”
I close my eyes, “Then I ain't OK either Shortie, not if you ain't”
Her breathin’ stutters, “I love you so much Lee, you know that don't you? I love you so much”
I feel the fire in my head, “I know Shortie”
Shay’s snoring across the bed, no clue what’s going down. I pull her to me and I hold her so fuckin' tight that I get cramp in my shoulder.
Wednesday 5th March 1997
I've woke up wiv' a bolloxed shoulder and a chip like a patio slab on my other one. What the fuck she playin' at, eh? Lyin' little bitch. Chattin' all that London shit when the whole time, it was fuckin' lies. Her shit wiv' Shay, it's sent the dickhead crazy and that's her fuckin' fault. She don't want to tell us 'bout Leeds coz she don't fuckin' want us to go wiv' her? Well FUCK her. Me and him managed for nineteen years wiv'out her, we'll do it again. Fuck her. I don't speak to her all mornin', I fuck off out the door, wait in the car. Shay comes out, he's got her by the hand but he looks rattled. She just looks sad. Good. Let the bitch fuckin' deal wiv the shit she's causin'. Let her handle the fuckin' lies she's tellin'.
She's leanin' forward from the back seat, “Lee, Lee are you...you got the hump with me? Wassup Lee?”, and she's restin' her head ‘gainst my shoulder.
I push her off and I stay silent. She sits back again and looks out the window. I see tears on her face in the mirror. We drop her at school, she kisses him on the lips but he's spaced out and me, I just turn away from her. She walks off like she's sad, her boots look too big at the end of them skinny legs.
He's starin' at her, as she goes inside, “I can fix this Lee, y'know? I fuckin' can”, he turns to me, “We...we gotta get her knocked up, yeah?”, I can’t believe how thick he is sometimes.
He keeps on, “Nah man, Lee hear me out. Tha’ happens and she ain't gonna go to Uni. If she don't go, we go back home and we just fuckin start over, start proper. Me and you, we'll graft wi' Brian, she'd look after the kid. She won't never know 'bout tha’ girl unless we fuckin' say somethin' and why the fuck would we? Eh?”
I’m shakin' my head coz I can't believe the shit he chats sometimes, “Shay, bruv, you havin' a fuckin' laugh? What the fuck would we do wiv' a kid? Anyway, she's on that pill yeah, that ain't gonna happen”, I can't believe what a clueless dick he is.
He’s jittery now, “Well, she's gotta take it every day yeah? What if we just messed wiv' them, y'know, some shit like tha’? Tha's what happened wiv' Damian, innit? He said his girl forgot to take the pill one time and she fell for their kid. Easy, yeah?”.
I feel like I'm gonna punch him, like he just don't get it, “SHAY! Fucks sake bruv. She ain't gonna be that stupid. Knockin' her up ain't gonna fix this, you know Lor ain't gonna let havin' a kid stop her doin' whatever the fuck it is she wants to do. We're losin' her Shay, she's goin' to....”, I stop there quick.
If he finds out 'bout Leeds, it'll be endless shit and I don't reckon we can fuckin' handle that right now.
He looks broken and I ain't got no words left. At work, I get a fuckin' coatin' off Damian for the shit me and him pulled yesterday. We work all day wiv'out no drama and when we go get Shortie, we find her chattin' and laughin' wiv' some boy I ain't seen before in the car park. He fancies the arse off Shortie, you can tell from the looks he's givin' her. She waves him goodbye and gets in the car.
Shay's seen the way that boy was lookin' at her, “Who the fuck's that Little Red, eh?”
His tone gets her sarky, “Well, hello to you too Seamus, have you had a nice day? Mine was just peachy, thanks for asking”
Shay snaps at her, “Fucks sake, who is he?”, he starts the car
Shortie puts her belt on, “He's just a lad from my Biology class”.
Shay skids off, “Yeah? Well he can stay the fuck away from you, yeah? Fuckin' prick”. I see Lor’s knuckles go white where she’s holding the belt.
There's silence for a bit but then she speaks up, “Um, I told the girls that I'll come to Kate's birthday party on Friday night, after work. It's in a bar in town but it's going on until one so even if I finish at ten, I'll still get time there. She, er, she invited Nico coz she knows him. He's gonna give me a lift”, Shortie sounds nervous.
Shay's voice is dangerous low, “You ain't goin' wiv'out us Lor”.
Shortie, she takes a huff of breath, “Are you fucking kidding me Shay, who are you to say I can't go?”, her tone is proper fierce.
Shay spits out, “Me? I'm your fuckin' boy an’ you ain't goin' nowhere wiv' D'Angelo. End of”, the dickhead nods like he's won.
She goes quiet, she uses that voice that makes me feel uneasy coz I know it brings shit between her and him, “Shay, being my boyfriend does not mean that you get to tell me what to do. I am not your property. I don't need permission, you've gotta stop with this shit. I missed the Halloween Party, the Christmas Party plus all those other 18th parties coz you kicked off. I love you, I don't like upsetting you but I need to spend some time with my mates. Fucks sake, Shay...Lee?”, Silence. I feel her lookin' at me, wantin' me to sort him but I ain't intervenin' in this shit, I'm still pissed wiv her. He drives us home. Silence.
We get home and we go straight up to the flat, me and him sit on the sofa, she starts tea. Silence. She gets ready for work and she puts munch on plates but there's only two plates. Fucks sake.
I bite, “Girl, you need to eat somethin', fuckin' you's like stickin' my dick in a skeleton and it ain't hot”. Lor looks like I punched her.
Good. I want her to feel that gut punch that I got yesterday in that dance studio. I want her to feel the pain.
“Lee...Lee, that's....that's such a shitty thing to say. I can't....I can't believe you said....I've gotta go, I'm going to work”, her lips are wobblin' and she's gonna cry but I don't say nothin'.
Shay, he looks like he wants to fuckin' kill me. I could give bigger shits.
She don't come back to the flat. When she ain't back at eleven, I go lookin' for her coz I feel a bit out of order 'bout what I said. The pub is still rammed but I don't see her. I walk round the bar to the pool room and that's when I hear him.
“Lorn, cara what’s going on, eh? Lorn, you haven't looked happy for a while and you might think that me and Han and Dan don't see it but we know something’s not right. Lorn, I know you were crying tonight cara, talk to me dickhead, you can always talk to me”. Fucking D’Angelo
He keeps going, “Jesus Davies, you deserve so much better. They left you with nothing before Ibiza, you couldn't even afford to eat and turn the lights on. They'll hurt you again, you can't trust them. Don't go to London with them Lorn. Don't leave with them...please cara”, I feel them flames again
I hear her talk, that soft, gentle voice, “Nico...I don't know what's going on with us but I love Lee, I want to be with him. I know things aren't perfect and I know that they can be.....well, that they can be the world's biggest twats but I love Lee, he's everything to me. I'm going to London to start with, I need to make sure that they're sorted...before I go to...Nico, I need to get back mate, it's late and I've got a mock exam tomorrow”
I hold my fuckin' breath and it's that Italian cunt says the question in my head, “You only said Lee, Lorn. What 'bout that Irish wanker?”, D'Angelo's sharper than he looks.
I hear her take a breath, “I love Shay too, of course I do, that's why I'm with him
”, she don't sound right.
I get it now. She don't love Shay like that no more. She ain't lyin' to us 'bout London. She's goin' wiv' us, she just ain't plannin' on stayin' there. She's sortin' it all out, makin' it all good like she always does, before she goes to Leeds. We've lost her and I feel like I’m gonna hurl.
I hear her and D'Angelo hug. I hear him call her a 'dickhead'. I hear them laugh and she says 'bout 'reformin''. They chat 'bout a girl he's shaggin' and he tells her he'll give her a lift on Friday for this party. It goes quiet and I know he's holdin' her. That fucker proper loves her and truth? I think she loves him too, she just don't let herself look past us to see it. She's too loyal.
She goes through the back door to the car park and the flat and I just stand there and listen to the clock tickin' on the wall behind me, loud even in this noisy pub. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Time's up.
I go back to the flat and I hold her so tight. I tell her I'm so fuckin' sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it but she needs to fuckin' eat. She nods and holds me, arms shaking. Shay, he ain't stupid, he knows shit's goin' down. That night, we're wiv' her so many times we can't see straight. For them hours, skin to skin wiv' no words, we can forget the shit we ain't able to fix.
Friday 7th March 1997