“Yeah,” Alex grinned at him. “Which galaxy are you in?”
Geoff chuckled. “Milky way, last time I looked.”
Alex pulled a face. They laughed. Alex noticed his nice smile again, and felt a tingle of happiness run through him. Seeing Geoff smile was a rare and strangely pleasurable experience.
“What's up?”
“Geoff...do you know about stats and things?” Alex asked inquiringly.
“Depends,” Geoff said. He pushed his glasses back on his nose and looked up at Alex, inquiringly. “What sort of stats.”
“These ones.”
Geoff frowned as Alex brought his notes over. He read through them, finger following the lines. Then he looked up.
“Okay,” he said, matter of fact. “The way I see it is that all this stuff is about looking at an image—a photo, video, whatever—as a set of signals. The noise and things, the freaky shit that goes wrong when we transmit and record that signal, is statistical. It happens with a certain probability. If you look here...” he continued.
Alex moved around to look over his shoulder as together they discussed the course-notes.
This close, Alex was practically leaning on Geoff's slight shoulder. He stood back a little, feeling something strange happen inside him.
Come on, Alex, he reprimanded himself. Yes, Geoff was good-looking: he had noticed that the first day he’d arrived. Tall, with a slim face, high cheekbones, and that lopsided smile. But the chances of anything happening with him were almost zero. That was a probability Alex understood.
He isn't into guys. And I am. I really am.
He had known as long as he could remember that he was “different” in that way. He had never felt the same way as other guys did about girls, and he had noticed guys, had feelings for them, for at least the last ten years.
Geoff is...well...not into this stuff. He somehow knew that. It was sad but he was sure it was true. He sighed.
This close, he could smell the minty smell of shower-gel and the cleanness of fresh-washed hair. The scent combined with a subtle skin scent that brought out the lower tones of whatever cologne he was wearing and was...really appealing.
“...and so we can model noise using a Gaussian distribution...” Geoff was continuing. Alex blinked at him.
“Whoa. A who?”
Geoff looked up. “A Gaussian. Like we were just talking about earlier. Remember?” He grinned a little desperately at Alex.
Alex looked at his hands. He had missed the whole bit about Gaussian whatever-it-was. He had been thinking too much about Geoff. The way his hair flopped over one eye. The eyelashes that rested, long and pale, on his cheek. His hot, lean body.
“Sorry,” he cleared his throat. “I missed that. Can we go over it again?”
Geoff swallowed, but nodded. “Sure,” he said equably. “It sometimes takes time to sink in. No worries. Wouldn't you like to grab a pen? Then we can draw pictures and work things out together. Makes it easier. Rule number one of Physics. Always draw a picture to illustrate the situation.” He tapped his finger to his lips, smiling.
Alex stifled a grin. Geoff in tutor mood was abrupt, in control, alive. He really liked this side of him.
Like I really like the rest of him, he realized with surprise.
He went to the bed and fetched pen and paper, and then together they sat down at the desk.
Alex breathed in. Here, he could sense the warmth of Geoff's leg, pressing against him. He could feel him move as he leaned forward over the paper, describing some complicated graphs. As he talked he could not help but watch his lips. Glistening with moisture, they were soft and pinkish and they begged to be kissed.
Alex took a deep breath. Leaned his leg against Geoff. Just a subtle thing. He could always dismiss it as an accident.
Geoff tensed and quickly moved his leg away. Alex tried to stifle his disappointment.
“So, here...” Geoff was continuing, “we have the mean. The width of the distribution tells you about the quality of the image: how spread across the frequencies the distortion is...”
Alex found his mind tuning off again. He was not thinking about statistical distribution. He was thinking about Geoff.
His longing was mixed with sadness at the fact that, no matter how he hinted—and he had made some subtle indicators before this, too—Geoff was totally unaware.
I guess, Alex thought sadly as Geoff finished his description and turned to the next part of the notes, that he just isn't into guys.
He made himself sit still for a long while and then, at the end of the lesson, he moved his knee again. This time it rested beside Geoff's leg a while longer. Alex could feel the warmth of his skin and feel the tension in his lean, strong muscles. He sighed.
Sitting with their skin touching like this made him wish they could touch in other ways too. Other places. He wished that his whole body was pressed up against Geoff like this, and that his tongue could probe his soft, pink lips, his body explore that hard, lean body. He was sure Geoff had never been with someone before and he would so, so want to be the first. He imagined how it would be and he felt himself shiver with need.
“And so, if we have a narrow Gaussian, like this one, then that means we can expect less distortion.”
Alex looked up, trying to shake himself from fantasy and back into statistics. He felt Geoff lean forward and reach across for a new sheet of paper. The contact between their knees was broken and Alex found that he missed it. He could still feel the warmth of his skin and felt bereft of the touch of it.
“So,” Geoff was saying brightly. He put the paper down in front of Alex. “I think we've finished with stats for the afternoon. What do you think?”
Alex looked at him with a bemused smile. He was sure that he knew no more about stats now than he did when they began. But he did know a lot more about how he felt. And that had to count for something.
While Geoff went on about statistics and its applications in biochemistry, Alex sat listening with a confused grin. He was happy to just be sitting with him. Happy to be watching his face while he talked with such enthusiasm.
And happy, mostly, that he had made some physical contact and that it had not been rejected. It gave him a tiny sliver of hope that, in time, he and Geoff would be able to make something work.
4
Geoff
Geoff sat in the crowd on the grandstand. He was watching the field where a group of guys were playing football on the green grass of the pitch. The late summer sun beat down on the pitch and made long shadows of the players as they ran.
Geoff, who was fairly unfamiliar with football, found himself watching the individual players more than the game itself, interested in their styles, the way they ran, whether or not they seemed to be enjoying it.
He watched all of them, but in a less focused way. There was only one player whom his eyes never truly left.
Leighton. He could not help watching him.
He and Alex had both agreed to come and support Leighton in the first game of the season, but so far Alex had not arrived. Geoff found himself alone on the stands, and, without someone to talk to, was free to sit and watch the game.
It was surprisingly difficult. He found he did not care about the score, or the goals, or passes, or anything that anyone else was doing. All he was there to see was one particular player. If he wasn't at the goal, then Geoff wasn't watching the kick. He was watching the corner of the field where Leighton stood.
Leighton was stunning. In his football kit, running with careless ease while the others jostled him and ran less-gracefully behind, he shone. His muscles rippled casually under his shirt, the perspiration shining in the sun.
As he watched him, Geoff felt himself sinking into a haze of need. Everything Leighton did, from the way he wiped a hand across his face to the way he walked, was so unbearably sexy that it hurt. Geoff saw him grin at another player, shouting some encouragement or derision, and the sharp edges of that smile warmed his insides. The more he wa
tched, the more miserable Geoff felt.
The guy was amazing. He was also so far removed from Geoff that it hurt. Rich, talented and an amazing sport, Leighton was one of those guys Geoff had been slightly afraid of at high-school. He always felt off in his company, as if he did not belong around people like him. And all of that meant that Leighton was one guy whom Geoff could never, ever get to know.
The fact that he wanted to, and how he wanted to, was, in itself, something that frightened Geoff.
I have never felt like this before.
As attracted as he was, Geoff had absolutely no idea how to go about showing it. He had always been studying, all his early years: good grades make a good future, his father had said. Geoff had fervently practiced that, graduating from high-school with As for everything. He had spent the years when other kids learned about life, learning about physics and cellular biology. And now he felt unsure where to start.
I don't even know what I want! he thought to himself. These feelings were entirely new. He had, genuinely, never thought about sexuality and the act of sex before. Not because he thought there was something bad about it, but because of lack of time.
“Half time!” someone shouted.
Geoff returned, blinking, back to the moment. He watched as Leighton jogged off the field, laughing with the others, pushing someone playfully as they gave him an affectionate punch on the ribcage.
He is everything people are meant to be, Geoff thought with a mix of wonder and admiration. He was stylish, popular, likeable...sporty, smooth, well-groomed. Built. Good-looking.
Leighton was, in fact everything Geoff was fairly sure he himself was not. And he makes me feel like I want to touch him, be near to him, be close to him. I don't know the words for what I want.
He did not fully understand the way he felt or even what he wanted. He just knew that when Leighton was around it was uncontrollable.
“Geoff!”
Geoff looked up. It was Leighton.
“Hi,” he said, surprised. He felt suddenly shy. He had just been thinking about Leighton in a way that made his cheeks burn with shyness.
“What's up?” Leighton asked carefully.
He lowered himself to the seat beside Geoff, who gulped. Even the lithe motion with which he sat down, sitting full on the seat with a natural sense of power, made him feel as if he wanted to reach for him and...he was not sure what came next.
“Nothing,” Geoff said quickly, “just watching the game.”
“We're doing well,” Leighton said happily. “The others are a great team, though. Tough opponent.”
“You're still better, though,” Geoff said. He hadn't thought about it, just said it.
Leighton looked at him, surprised. Then he gave him a big smile.
“Thanks,” he said sincerely.
They looked into each other's eyes. There was a moment, just a moment, when Geoff felt as if they connected. As if Leighton read something of what he felt, and he read something of what Leighton might be feeling, too.
Leighton turned away. When he spoke his voice was rougher than before.
“I guess I'd better go down...Coach'll be really mad with me if I miss the half-time talk!”
He jogged smoothly off down the pitch, leaving Geoff watching him with longing.
Later, after the game, they returned home to the dorm. Leighton was in a happy mood, his team had won.
“We won!” Geoff said, grinning at Leighton, who smiled back.
“We did,” he chuckled. He squeezed Geoff's shoulder. Geoff felt as if his heart would stop. He looked up at Leighton, who was still smiling. Geoff felt as if the rain had stopped and all the clouds had blown away. An immense joy filled him.
“We won!” Leighton said happily as they entered the dorm room. Geoff looked around, wondering who he was talking to. Then he noticed the dark-clad person at the third desk. Alex, he was surprised to find, was still there.
He had his back to the door and was listening to music. When Geoff went over to greet him he gave him a funny look, then turned away.
Geoff shrugged, surprised. What's up with him? Alex had been so friendly the day before. It was weird to see him so withdrawn again, so moody. He shrugged and left him to his own company.
I have to admit I don't understand Alex. Geoff frowned, going over to unpack his textbooks from his bag. He could be so open and friendly one moment, and so withdrawn and remote the next. His withdrawn times had been becoming shorter, a fact which made Geoff happy, but, ever since Leighton had invited them both to the football-match and Geoff had accepted with alacrity, Alex had been more withdrawn.
It didn't make any sense.
“Geoff?”
“Mm?”
“I'm just off to take a shower. Maybe ask Alex if he's interested in joining for supper?”
“Okay,” Geoff agreed. Leighton, whistling, went out.
When Leighton returned from the shower, steaming body covered by a toweling bath-robe, and then proceeded to dress in front of him, Geoff thought it was not possible to feel any more strain.
The muscles rippling like molten metal, the smooth, damp skin that glistened in the dim light of the room, all combined to make him ache with longing. He looked up to catch sight of Leighton's back. It was thick with muscle, the shoulders gleaming as he rolled them. He grunted with appreciation as his muscles relaxed and the sound shuddered through Geoff, shooting through his nerves and setting everything on alert.
He knew he wanted something. He just wished he understood what it was for which he longed.
Later, while he struggled to concentrate on exercises and Leighton read his notes, long limbs sprawled on the bed, he was surprised to hear Alex going out.
The guy who came to meet him was very much like Alex himself: styled hair, skinnier body, unusual fashion sense.
When he heard the door shut with a click, he could not help wondering if Alex was, maybe, not as straight as all that. He was certainly often going out with guys. And he had, now that he thought about it, actually never seen Alex talk to a girl. Not that those things mean you're gay, he thought wryly. But it was the way Alex talked to guys, and the way he talked, or not, to and about girls, that made Geoff think maybe he was right.
The thought made his heart leap. If Alex could live, so openly, being another sexuality then...maybe it was not so bad after all. Maybe all these feelings he had tormented himself about since he was a small boy were not so terrible after all. The thought cheered him and he found he could even concentrate on the cellular organelles again. He shook his head at himself, grinning at his own strange thoughts.
Ever since he could remember, he had felt things for guys. Things he was fairly sure other people felt for girls. When he saw pictures of guys in magazines, or watched them running or training, he noticed things. He noticed their bodies in a way that made his own tingle and ache with the same need he felt when he saw Leighton.
As if thinking about him made him more apparent, Geoff heard Leighton stretch and roll onto his tummy on the bed. He looked across at him.
Engrossed in his reading, he had a small frown on his brow that was especially cute. His hair, soft from the shower, flopped onto his forehead. His skin gleamed cleanly. The evening light played over the fine curves of his shoulders, dyeing the shadows where his tee-shirt hung over them in soft gray. He was almost too stunning to be real.
As Geoff watched him, forgetting for the moment about his exercises, Leighton licked his finger and turned the page with it. The gesture made his breath catch in his throat. Something about the glisten of saliva on his lip, the pink tongue that flicked between, set his whole body into a frenzy of need.
He shook his head. He had decided he was going to follow Alex's example and stop pretending that these feelings didn't happen. But even if he did that, would it change anything?
Even if you do finally decide to address these feelings, what makes you think Leighton would want to hang out with a nerd like you? And besides, he thought, ch
uckling a little at the ridiculousness of the situation, Leighton is not – absolutely and totally not -anything other than absolutely straight.
5
Leighton
The late afternoon made the pathway back to the dorm a thing of orange light, barred with shadow where the trees shadowed the pathway. Leighton, walking briskly back to his room from class, frowned. There was one thought he could not shake, which was starting to interfere with his concentration.
Alex.
Leighton could not help it. He was obsessed.
He couldn't quite understand it himself, but ever since shortly after they’d first met, the confident, coolly-authoritarian guy had preyed on his thoughts.
There is something so...so dark about him! So sexy.
He had started to notice things. The way Alex stroked his chin when he was thinking. His habit of twisting a piece of his long hair while he thought. They were all tiny mannerisms, but something about them, and about him, made Leighton want him.
And he is sexy. Be honest about it. The way his shirts hung on his lightly-muscled body, the way he walked with a kind of roll in his step, that cool raised eyebrow when you interrupted him.
Leighton smiled to himself. He noticed a guy coming down the stairs giving him an odd look and he wiped the smile off his face, but an instant later it was back again as he thought about his latest obsession.
It's weird. Not so much because he was attracted to a guy, he had long known that he was interested in guys. It was the fact that it was Alex. In all the years Leighton had been aware of how he felt, he had never before felt like this for someone like Alex. Not, now that he thought of it, that I have ever met someone like Alex before. Which was exactly the point.
The guy was unique.
As he walked along the hallway to the room, Leighton found himself remembering the first guy he had been with. The first and only guy. Gary was his name. He had been sexy in a football-playing, smooth way. Broad smile, firm handshake, tall, dense-muscled body. He was a friend of Leighton's cousin Henry and they had met at a family event. Leighton remembered the way he had instantly noticed him as they sat and barbecued. They had drunk a beer; Leighton's uncle was not too particular about the legalities of drinking, providing it happened in his backyard and nowhere else – and had talked for hours. Things had developed quickly and fizzled just as quickly. It had been exciting and new and interesting. And amazing, if he thought about it. But not...not like this.
College Threeway: A First Time Gay Romance (Bareback University) Page 2