What We Find

by Robyn Carr

  And of course Maggie thought about Walter’s visit. She had begun to ask herself if there was any compromise in her situation. Maybe there was a free clinic somewhere that needed her. Or maybe she should just take a year to travel with a medical team to performed badly needed surgeries in places that didn’t have readily available resources. One of those big hospital boats maybe?

  She had to admit, the very thought of returning to her field of expertise purely for the joy of operating, especially if people were trying to make it easier instead of harder at every turn, was enticing. She started looking at websites for volunteer medical teams—everything from the Red Cross to Doctors Without Borders.

  The days passed more peacefully. She began to fantasize. She’d be in her best physical shape from a summer at the crossing, tighten up those belly muscles, strengthen her legs, study all those medical journals she’d been meaning to go through, even read some of those classic novels Cal seemed so fond of, not that she was thinking about him. Not at all. When the lawsuit was won or settled or—please, God—thrown out, she’d join a hospital ship for a year, traveling the world, saving lives where no one else could be bothered. She’d be operating again. She’d meet new people. They wouldn’t work every second, though they would be in great demand. There would still be time to see the wonders of the world, exotic and romantic places. She’d meet a man, a fascinating and brilliant man. A sexy man, but more reliable than that California Jones, wherever he was. Yes, it would be exciting. Fulfilling.

  The last week of May approached, promising summer vacation just days away when school let out. Sully announced they had lots of reservations. Many packages and letters had arrived for hikers. The busy season was upon them. All this, combined with her fantasies, took Cal, who had obviously left them, further from her mind. Soon her heart would catch up. She hadn’t heard from him at all and hadn’t located his truck in Leadville, no matter how many times she’d tried.

  It was only late in the night, in the dark, that she remembered with longing how special their time together had been. She had loved talking to him, loved making love even more. But alas, he hadn’t promised anything but that he’d say goodbye. And he said promises broke him. Well, he had said goodbye. There was another crack in her heart.

  After a very long day of work, just as people around the campgrounds were starting to fire up their grills, Maggie sat on the porch with Sully, Tom and Frank. Tom and Sully had spent the day refreshing the grounds and rounding up trash. Maggie was having a beer, feet up on the porch rail.

  A hiker came into view from the north. He’d obviously been on the trail awhile. He was dirty and sporting a beard. His cheeks above the beard were apple red. He had a walking stick that looked like something fashioned out of a knotty branch.

  “Lookit that,” Sully said.

  “Looks like he could use a cold one,” Tom said.

  “Wonder how many miles he logged,” Frank said. “He’s been gone almost a month, ain’t he?”

  Maggie sat up in her chair, feet off the rail. She leaned forward and squinted. Could it be? She stood and the hiker waved.

  “Reckon I’m gonna be cooking my own dinner tonight,” Sully said.

  Maggie put her beer on the table and went down the porch steps. She walked toward him, at first thinking it might not be him. He was barely recognizable. She walked a little faster. He dropped his stick and shrugged off his backpack, letting it fall to the ground, and she broke into a run. So now all those guys on the porch knew everything, knew that he meant so much to her, knew she’d been missing him madly. When she reached him she threw her arms around his neck and almost knocked him over.

  He kissed her as he lifted her off the ground.

  “Damn, you feel good,” he said. “Miss me?”

  “I was so busy I hardly noticed you were gone.”

  He laughed. “I’m going to need a ride to Leadville to pick up my truck.”

  She pulled away from him just a little bit. “It’s not there,” she said. “I looked and I—”

  He grinned. “It’s there.”

  “Why didn’t you just get it on your way?” she asked.

  “I didn’t want to get off the trail when this was closer. Besides, I knew you’d give me a ride. And it has to be soon—there’s nothing clean in my pack.”

  “You’re pretty ripe,” she noted, wrinkling her nose. “Good hike?”

  “I’ll tell you all about it,” he said. “But can I have a beer first?”

  “Sure.”

  He grabbed her hand and his backpack, letting her have the walking stick. “Come on, then. I bet I can clear the porch without hardly trying.”

  “You gave up shaving,” she said, leaning into him a little bit.

  “Just for a week or ten days. Once I started south, I didn’t bother.”

  “How far did you go?”

  “Not so far. Couple of weeks north with a stop or two, ten days south, no stops. Twenty-six days since I left. I was into Wyoming.”

  “Did you run into wildlife?” she asked.

  “Here and there. Lots of cows and deer. I heard wildlife. Coyotes, for sure. And wolves. I wanted to go farther north to see what was up there, but I couldn’t.”

  “Oh? Why not?”

  “You were here,” he said. “It was time to get back.”

  “Hmm. I wondered if maybe I’d just get a postcard. If that...”

  “You’ve been let down a lot, I think. Well, join the club. Let’s get that beer and I’ll treat the boys on the porch to some high-test body odor.”

  “Really, you’ve been working on it for a while. I think I’ll borrow Sully’s truck to go to Leadville. I like the way the inside of my car smells.”

  “You looked for my truck in Leadville, did you?”

  “Not really,” she said. “I might’ve glanced around. I was working on changing my life while you were gone. I have big plans. I’m thinking of joining a hospital ship, doing surgery for those in need and without resources, having a long, magnificent affair with a brilliant, hot Australian doctor.”

  “Is that so? You haven’t gone back to work, I take it,” he said.

  “That’s a matter of opinion. I’ve been working my tail off.”

  “Ah, that’s what I saw when I got here,” he said. “That was you working.”

  * * *

  Maggie allowed him only one beer, though he snatched a second while following her to the house. She raided Sully’s closet and found sweatpants, a T-shirt and pair of socks for him, and he had a pair of rubber shower sandals in his pack, something he put on his feet when he got out of his hiking boots at the end of every day on the trail. She pushed him into the shower and said, “We’ll talk about the truck tomorrow. Want me to throw your dirty clothes in the wash?”

  “They might have to be burned,” he said. “God, these thru-hikers must be evil smelling by the time they make the Canada border.”

  “Are you going to shave?” she asked.

  “That depends. How sexy do you find the beard?”

  “I’ll get you a new razor and some shaving cream,” she said. “I’ll meet you back at the store. Sully said he’d throw some burgers on the grill for you.”

  * * *

  Maggie was sitting at the bar, waiting for him. She smiled, pleased with the improvement. “Better,” she said. “Hungry?”

  “For real food, you bet.” He sat on the stool beside her. “I spent half my childhood camping but I realized, I’ve never been on a long trek alone. I lost four toenails and my feet are now extra ugly.”

  “I hear the toenail stories from everyone who comes through,” she said. “Were you lonely?”

  “I was, but I was also amazed by the whole thing. I ran into people. They let you hike with them for a while, but it’s every man for himself. Someti
mes I camped near other people, but we didn’t wait for each other. We exchanged trail news—where there was a snake, where there’s water, where there’s an alternative to the water source shown on the map. One guy had wolves curious around his camp. No bears. I saw elk but at a great distance. It’s very beautiful. I can see why some people are driven by the need to conquer the trail, why they think of it as a religious experience.”

  “Do you feel the need for a lot more religion?” she asked.

  “I think I’ve had enough for now,” he said. “Part of me didn’t think I’d last a whole week, another part wondered if I might not be able to stop until I’d gone all the way.”

  “What made you stop?” she asked.

  “I was done,” he said with a shrug. “I turned around in the middle of the trail, in the middle of the day and started back.”

  Sully came in from the back porch and put a plate with a burger on it in front of Cal. He produced little packs of ketchup, mustard and mayo.

  “Sully, this is great. I promise after I eat and get a little rest, you won’t wait on me again. By the way, is there a cabin free? Maggie’s holding my truck and camper hostage.”

  “There’s room in the house,” he said. “Maggie, you want a burger?”

  “Thanks, Dad,” she said.

  “I’d be happy to share my fish and broccoli with you,” Sully said.

  “Normally I’d jump right on that, but since Cal just got back, I’ll have a burger with him.” Then she smiled sweetly.

  “Maggie, I shouldn’t impose. I can pitch my tent...”

  “It’s all right, I’ll take the couch tonight,” she said. She smiled at him. “You need your rest.”

  “Hmm,” he said, biting into the burger, unable to wait. He craved solid, meaty food. He was thinking he might need her even more. Hungry and depleted as he was, he’d trade the burger and the beer just to crawl into bed next to her.

  Sully gave Maggie her burger, then stomped out with a huff of displeasure. He’d always been a red-meat man, so he had told Cal. Lots of red meat. Daily. Not to mention potatoes slathered in butter. And he loved vegetables...with plenty of salt. This new heart-healthy diet was taking its toll on his mood.

  Cal, forgetting he hadn’t spoken aloud while he was thinking of all he’d trade for a naked romp with Maggie, spoke. “I’m commando, you know.”

  “I assumed so, since I didn’t provide any of Sully’s tighty whities.”

  “God,” he said, putting down the burger for a second. “I think I’m delirious. I was thinking about how I’d trade the burger and beer for a night up against you.”

  “Relax, Cal. Enjoy your burger. After we close up here we’ll watch a little TV. Remember TV?” she asked, lifting a slimly arched brow.

  “Vaguely,” he said. “You’re beautiful, Maggie.”

  “It’s a mirage,” she said, laughing.

  “No, I’m seeing you. I told you about my hike. Tell me what you did while I was gone.”

  “Besides the usual? My stepfather showed up here one day, out of the blue. Alone. I wish you’d been here—he was so sweet. He sneaked down here without telling my mother because she never lets us have a conversation. When you’re rested I’ll tell you stories about Walter. He’s an interesting guy. The opposite of Sully yet he had a major influence on my life, my education.”

  Cal stuffed himself. Sully came in with his own plate, which he ate at the bar. A couple of campers stopped in for milk and eggs and Maggie jumped up to take their money. The ice maker on the back porch rattled and clunked. The front door was propped open and laughter could be heard as the sun slowly became lost behind the mountains.

  This must be such a happy place in summer when families come here to play, to be together, to get away from their stress and worry, Cal thought.

  He was in a daze and he knew it. He was vaguely aware that Maggie and Sully were talking to customers, putting things away. Maggie was sweeping behind the counter. He got up and took his plate to the kitchen. Maggie leaned her broom up against the counter and took his plate.

  “Just go over to the house,” she said. “Turn on the TV and put your feet up. You’re a basket case. I’ll be over in a while.”

  “I’m sorry, Maggie. I pushed it kind of hard the past couple of days. You should just give me a blanket and I’ll sleep in the—”

  “I think Sully would be disappointed if you didn’t accept. He’s missed you.” She pushed him out the back door. “Try not to get lost.”

  Beau was lying on the back porch. “I’m going to lie down,” Cal said to the dog. Beau jumped to his feet and began wagging his tail. “Okay, then,” he said. “You and me, on the couch.”

  * * *

  Maggie and Sully essentially closed down the store, but they sat out on the porch in front. They watched over the grounds while the moon cast a glow over the lake. This was the perfect end to a perfect day, in Maggie’s mind. Even though Cal was in the house, even though she’d told him she’d be along soon, she felt no urgency, but a sense of comfort, of all being right in her world.

  When she visited Sully’s while she was in med school or residency she might study all day but come evening, they’d eat a burger or barbecued chicken and sit on the porch after sunset. From here they could hear the conversations, children running and playing, clattering of dishes from the various campsites; they could see the small fires that dotted the landscape by tents and campers or at the edge of the beach. On some nights Sully would wander through the grounds to make sure everyone had safe fires, contained at all times of the year. A wildfire was a nightmare come to life in the Colorado mountains.

  “Are you glad he came home?” Sully asked.

  Maggie laughed softy. “This isn’t home for him, Dad. But yes, I’m glad he came back.”

  “You were missing him,” Sully said.

  “I was just about over him. I was building a new life in my head and it had nothing to do with him!” That brilliant Australian doctor, however, bore an uncanny resemblance to Cal. “I was a little worried sometimes,” she went on. “People can get lost, sick, hurt, have conflicts with unfriendly wildlife, have problems with unfriendly people! He was gone a long time. I assumed he had moved on. He admitted he’s been a wanderer.”

  “Nah, I don’t think so. I think he’s looking for something, that’s all. He’s respectful. He won’t just take off without an explanation.”

  “He did once,” she said.

  “So far,” Sully said. “He said from the start he was planning a long hike once the weather warmed. You like him a lot, don’t you?”

  “I think you know,” she said. “I might’ve been a little obvious when I saw him come down the road.”

  “That’s okay, you know. You can like him. I admit, I got a little attached to him,” Sully said. “But we gotta talk. I don’t want him working like he did, for free and all.”

  “Maybe he’s just visiting, Dad. Maybe he’s here for a few days and then will be on his way again.”

  “You get that impression?” Sully asked.

  Maggie was afraid to answer. No, she hadn’t thought, by anything he said or did, that he was dropping in to get laid and then would be moving on. “He wasn’t very specific about his plans, Dad.” However, he had said he was coming back to her.

  “Well, I get the impression he could be hanging around,” Sully said. “That be okay by you?” he asked.

  “Well, I guess. I’m hanging around. But my way isn’t as clear as when I got here. I was taking a break, yet I’m still here. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m going to do next. More specifically, I’d better figure out who I am and where I belong.”

  “Walter gave you some things to think about,” Sully said. “Good.”

  “What did you and Walter talk about while I was walking down by the lak
e?”

  “Oh, you know, the usual. Weather. Broncos. How you’re a work in progress.”

  “Is that so?” she asked somewhat indignantly.

  “And pretty much on schedule. We used to call it a midlife crisis,” he said. “What do we call it now?”

  “What are you talking about, Sully?”

  “You know—the day you wake up and see that even though you been busy every second there’s a whole lot missing outta your life. I was about your age when I decided it was time to get married.” He shook his head. “I don’t regret it but I should’a thought that one through a little better.”

  “Well, then there was me...”

  “That’s why I have no regrets. Isn’t that just about what happened, Maggie? You wake up one morning and say to yourself, something’s gotta change here?”

  “I don’t think it was quite that abrupt...”

  “Everybody’s got a different bottom,” he said. “But a midlife crisis used to have a lot to do with seeing forty staring you in the eye and asking yourself some important questions about whether it’s time to get that old.”

  Oh yeah. And for a woman it has a lot to do with her eggs.

  It had seemed to Maggie that it had been more like a boulder rolling down a steep hill, picking up speed as it went, rather than a sudden explosion. But it must have seemed abrupt to everyone around her—the rush of emails, the call to her neighbor to keep an eye on her house, she never did call Sully, and calling Phoebe when she was on her way out of town, headed south, her car full of luggage. She heard her mother saying, “Have you lost your mind? What do you mean you’re taking an indefinite leave? You don’t study for twenty-five straight years and then just walk away!”

  Her bottom? She’d been building to it. She loved her work, but she wanted more. She wanted a family. She wanted a permanent partner, not some convenient boyfriend. She remembered that night with Walter in the hospital, suddenly thinking she wanted to be that doctor, that single person everyone depended on. And she’d been right—it was as if she was made for it. And then, when the pressure and frustration became overwhelming and she needed relief, she was alone. Even the short-lived joy and excitement of having a baby grow inside her was suddenly gone.