Opiate Jane

by Baker, Jessica K. ;

  I’d made it out past the railroad tracks when I felt something wet plop down on my arm, then again on my nose. I looked up at the sky and realized it looked angry. How had I not noticed the weather until then? I’d been outside for a few hours and hadn’t seen the dark clouds headed our way. It didn’t take long for the rain to start coming down in buckets. I was absolutely drenched, but I just kept walking forward. I should have known something would happen. Something always happens. I was starting to get really cold and felt like I had an inch of water in my shoes when I heard that familiar engine roar. I turned to look, and sure enough it was Landon.

  He pulled up beside me and smiled that smile.

  “You look like you might need a ride,” he gloated.

  I looked at him and said sarcastically, “Oh, yeah? Well, I don’t. So you just go on down the road, Mustang Boy. I’ll be fine.”

  He shook his head.

  “You may be fine now, but it’s starting to lightning and it’s just crazy to be out walking in this kind of weather. Come on, Jane, my interior is getting wet. Get in.”

  I started walking faster.

  “Then put up your damn window, Landon,” I shot back. “Don’t let that pretty little car get messed up on my account.”

  Landon pulled the car to the side of the road, got out, and caught up to me.

  “What the hell is your problem, Jane? Get in the car before you get yourself hurt,” he yelled.

  I didn’t say anything. I just kept walking. I knew if I got in that car with him, there would be no way I could defy him. I wanted to be with him so much. I hadn’t realized it would be so hard to push him away. I hadn’t known him that long, but it was like there was this weird connection to him that was so strong and I couldn’t help but want him.

  Landon ran up in front of me, stopped, and blocked me from going any farther.

  “Jane, please get into the car. It’s getting really bad out here. It’s dangerous.”

  I crossed my arms and stood there. He was making me so mad. Why couldn’t he just make this easy for me?

  “Go away, Landon.”

  He threw his hands in the air.

  “I can’t, Jane. Don’t you understand that? All I want anymore is to spend every minute of my time with you. Do you think I enjoy this? I never had this problem before you came along. I couldn’t have cared less about anybody but myself. Now you’re all I ever think about. My world is spinning completely out of control without you in it.”

  Before I could respond to what Landon had said, golf-ball-sized hail started falling from the sky. That stuff hurt! And just like that, Landon picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.

  “You’re going to get in that damn car before we both get knocked out!” he yelled.

  He opened the car door and put me in the passenger seat. He was furious when he climbed into the driver’s seat, and he was quiet for what seemed like an eternity. I assumed he was calming himself down before he spoke again. He turned the heat up on high and the rush of warm air felt wonderful, because I was freezing. He reached into the back seat and grabbed a hooded sweatshirt.

  “Here, put this on before you freeze to death or catch pneumonia,” he advised.

  I grabbed the sweatshirt and went to put it on over my wet clothes. He snatched it out of my hands.

  “It’s not going to do you any good if you keep your wet clothes on, goof.”

  “Well, I’m not going to change in front of you, moron!” I snapped back.

  Landon stifled a laugh.

  “I won’t watch. I’ll turn my head, I promise. Here, you might as well put these on too.”

  He handed me a pair of his sweatpants and I wondered why he kept all these clothes in the back of his car anyway. He turned to the window and started changing into a different T-shirt. I just sat there and stared at him while he changed his shirt. He looked amazing. I was so glad he hadn’t caught me staring at him after I’d just yelled at him not to look at me. As nervous as it made me, I went ahead and changed my clothes. I was freezing, and I couldn’t stand to be cold. I did leave on my wet bra and underwear, though. There was no way I was completely stripping down in front of Landon.

  The hail had stopped, but the rain was still coming down really hard, so Landon decided we’d better just sit still until the rain let up. Boy, that had worked out well for him! I was trapped. There was no way I was going back out in that crap since I was dry and getting warm. But the silence was getting to me. It gave me too much time to think about him. I had a hard enough time blocking out Landon when I wasn’t near him; to be in the car with him was driving me crazy. His scent filled the car. His hair was soaked and dripping. I couldn’t stop looking at him. His dry T-shirt formed around his wet chest and arms, and he looked absolutely gorgeous. That time he caught me staring at him, but I didn’t look away. I held his eyes in mine and knew in that moment that I was already too far gone. There was no turning back.

  I felt a tear run down my cheek. Landon reached over and wiped it away.

  “Why are you crying?”

  I let out a sigh.

  “Because I’m an idiot. I should have gotten in the car with you when you told me to, I shouldn’t have ignored you for the past few weeks, and I should have listened to my gut and just gone for it. You scare the crap right out of me, Landon Whitman.”

  He grabbed my hands and held them in his.

  “I don’t understand why, Jane. Am I so bad that you’re afraid to be with me? What did I do that would make you afraid of me?”

  I pulled my hands away from his.

  “You didn’t do anything, Landon. It’s me, not you. I can’t take the chance of getting close to someone and having them taken away from me. I’ve been there too many times with Mother and Lizzie, and I don’t want to do it again. Especially not with you. I don’t think I could survive losing you now.”

  The rain had started to ease up.

  Landon looked at me for a few minutes and then turned away to begin the drive toward home. He smiled and mumbled something about “the old ‘It’s me, not you’” line. Thank goodness the ride home was pretty quiet. I’d said enough already.

  At home, Landon pulled the car into the garage and I got out quickly. I didn’t want to say anymore. He caught me as I walked around the car. He put his arms around me and held me tight.

  “Don’t fight this, Jane,” he said. “I won’t hurt you.”

  Landon pulled away just enough so his face was in front of mine. I melted; I just gave in. I would just have to be ready to deal with whatever would come my way. I couldn’t deny it anymore: I needed him.

  I looked Landon in the eyes and admitted it.

  “As much as I’ve fought it, I can’t anymore. You win.”

  He looked back at me with those brown eyes that made me feel like he could see right into my soul and whispered in my ear, “I don’t know what took you so long. I feel like I’ve been waiting for you all my life. I don’t know how I ever lived without you.”

  I interrupted him. If I heard anymore, I might never be able to go back to who I’d been before I met him.

  “I’m so scared, Landon. My life is different from yours. I may get yanked out of my mother’s house tomorrow and end up in a foster home four hours away. What then? I already care too much for you. If I get in any deeper, I don’t think I could make it through our separation.”

  He put his hands around my waist, lifted me up onto the hood of his Mustang, and moved closer to me until my legs were straddled around his waist. I was pretty sure my face was getting red and my heart was skipping beats. I’d never been that intimate with anyone.

  Landon smiled at me.

  “Jane, I don’t think you understand how deep you are already in. If you leave me now, I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth. Why can’t you allow yourself just a little happiness? Allow me to love
you the way you deserve to be loved. You’ve put a wall around yourself refusing to let anyone near it, let alone in it. I understand that you’ve been hurt, but I won’t give up. I won’t stop until you love me back. I want to make you smile every day for the rest of your life.”

  He kissed my forehead, then lifted me down from the car.

  I looked him straight in the eye.

  “Landon, I lost my smile long ago. If you could return it to me, that would be greatly appreciated.”

  He chuckled and replied, “That will become my life’s mission, Miss Jane: to return you your smile.”

  “That sounds good to me,” I agreed.

  I heard a car coming down the driveway and glanced out the window to see it was Mrs. Whitman. I told Landon I was not ready to deal with his mother finding out about us, especially since I was wearing Landon’s clothes. He said he really didn’t care what she thought. I told him I had to go, kissed him on the cheek, and bolted for the door.

  I went out the back door of the garage and into the back door of our little house. Mother and Lizzie were out, so I had the house to myself. I went into the bedroom, lay down, and went over in my head the conversation I’d just had with Landon. How could I have let that happen? When I’d first moved here, I’d thought he was a self-centered, arrogant ass. Wasn’t that my first impression of him? I got so upset when I felt like people had judged me before they knew me, yet that is exactly what I’d done to Landon. How had everything changed so much in eight short weeks?

  Things would never be the same. He was tearing down my wall. I was so afraid that if he got it down, I might fall to pieces. Yet, I was more afraid that if I didn’t let him in, I might regret it forever. All I knew was I didn’t want to lose the feeling I had at that very moment. I could still feel his warmth on my lips, smell his scent on the clothes I was wearing, and feel that crazy, electricity in the pit of my stomach.

  Confessions

  Mother had been driving me nuts. She was still trying to have a relationship with me. I didn’t know why she wouldn’t just leave me alone and get on with her life. She was spending at least three nights a week with her NA buddies by that point. I enjoyed the alone time with Lizzie, but I often wondered what Mother was up to when she was gone. She seemed to be keeping it straight when she was home. She’d better not screw this up, I thought.

  Mother had forced me to go to the grocery store with her and Lizzie the day before. It was such a joke. I knew we were getting food stamps. I really didn’t want to go to the store with her while she spent them, but since they were putting them on that card now, I thought nobody would be able to tell we were using them. Wrong. We went to the local grocery store—the smallest grocery store I’d ever been in. There was a horse and buggy parked in a grassy area next to the store. I still wasn’t used to seeing Amish people around. I do believe they stared at me in the store more than I stared at them. I heard the woman talking to one of the teenage girls in a different language. I figured she was probably telling her I was some kind of abomination.

  It was a great boost to my ego to be talked about even if I didn’t know what they were saying. I really thought I looked pretty normal. I didn’t understand why people looked at me so strangely just because I had a few extra piercings. They must not have gotten out of the sticks much. People in the city were much more eccentric than I am. I didn’t stand out at all there. I was so glad Milah Jo wasn’t with me; she would have gone off on the family for staring. That girl had no filter, whereas I wasn’t that outspoken.

  The worst part of the grocery store trip came at the checkout lane. I was loading stuff onto the counter and didn’t realize that Emily’s sidekick, Maria, was in line behind us. It made me a little nervous at first until I realized that if Mother concealed the food card well enough, Maria wouldn’t see it. I relaxed and moved up to the end of the counter. I looked over at Mother when she was paying for the groceries. That’s when I saw the words “Food Stamp Purchase” on the huge computer screen above the register. Maria saw it too, then turned and gave me the most sarcastic smile. She didn’t say anything then, but I was sure she was saving it for later. She wouldn’t keep that kind of ammo to herself.

  I didn’t say a word all the way home. Mother should have never made me go with them. It was all her fault.

  • • • • •

  Ohio has always had the craziest weather, no matter what part of the state you’re in. It can be snowing one day and beach weather the next. On this day, it was eighty-two degrees. I didn’t want to stay in the house all day with Mother, so I decided to take a walk. I hadn’t talked to Landon since I’d left him in the garage. I really wanted to see him, but I wasn’t about to go to the Whitmans’ looking for him. I didn’t want to deal with his mother or his sister. I hadn’t been in the garage, so I didn’t know if he was even home. I decided I would walk out past the barn and check out this pond Lizzie had been talking about. Mother had walked her out there a few weeks ago to show her it was very deep and dangerous. Mother had also assured her that there were no jellyfish in it. Lizzie was still determined that she was going to go jellyfishing in that pond. That scared me. I didn’t want Lizzie to go out there and fall in. I couldn’t swim and I wouldn’t have been able to save her. I sure would try, though.

  I found a good sunny spot to sit down and relax. I loved the feeling of the sun beating down on my face. I just loved being warm. There was something about the sun’s rays, almost as if you could drink them in. Nothing could recharge me more than the sun. I loved it. I was leaning back with my eyes closed enjoying the sunshine so I didn’t hear Landon when he snuck up on me. I jumped; he’d scared the crap out of me. He just laughed and sat down next to me.

  I rose up and folded my arms.

  “What are you doing out here? Are you stalking me?” I snapped.

  He held out his fishing pole and his tackle box.

  “I didn’t know you were out here,” he said. “I decided that since it’s such a nice day, I would go fishing. Everything isn’t always about you, Jane, although it’s a nice surprise to find you here.”

  He smiled that crazy beautiful smile.

  “Oh, sorry. I tend to be a little sarcastic sometimes. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s hard to turn off,” I admitted.

  “Yeah, I think we’re going to have to work on that,” Landon replied. “I can’t have you biting my head off every time we’re together. So do you want to sit at the dock with me while I reel in a big one?”

  “I should have known a farm boy like you would know how to fish. Lizzie has been driving me and Mother crazy about bringing her out here to go fishing. I keep trying to explain to her that I have no idea how it’s done,” I said.

  “Well, maybe I could take the two of you fishing soon,” he offered.

  I laughed at Landon and he looked at me in disappointment. I didn’t mean to, but I thought I might have hurt his feelings. I put my hand on his shoulder.

  “That would be great,” I said, “but she’s expecting to catch some jellyfish, so I’m sure she’d end up getting mad. We’ve been trying to explain to her that jellyfish are only in the ocean, but she just ends up getting frustrated with us. She’s only four. She has no idea how to control that temper of hers yet.”

  Landon smiled again.

  “Let me guess: She likes SpongeBob? She also sounds like she’s a lot like her sister. From what I’ve seen, her sister doesn’t know how to control her temper yet either.”

  “I do too!” I snapped. “And yes, she loves SpongeBob.”

  Landon kept smiling. He enjoyed pushing my buttons.

  “Believe it or not,” he told me, “there’s a lake not too far from here that has freshwater jellyfish around August or September every year. We could take her if you want.”

  He was talking about taking me somewhere in August or September. It was only May. I didn’t know about this. What if Mother
screwed up and I wasn’t living here in August or September? It really excited me to know he was planning on being with me a few months from now.

  I told Landon that Lizzie would enjoy that and we would go as long as Lizzie and I still lived there then. He didn’t understand that we were a transient family. I should have been born a gypsy. I never got to stay in one place very long. I couldn’t believe I’d given in. I’d had the distance thing down pat until I met Landon, but I definitely had fallen for that boy. There was no fighting it anymore. I was drawn to him.

  We ended up sitting on the dock for hours talking. I don’t think he ever ended up casting his pole into the water. He was so easy to talk to. I told him about all kinds of things I normally would not have told anyone. I told him about all the awful foster homes I’d lived in over the past few years. I didn’t dare tell him about Mother, though. He didn’t know why I’d been in foster care, and I didn’t plan on telling him any time soon. It was pretty crazy that I would tell him I was the bastard child of some nameless man but I was too embarrassed to tell him my mother loved drugs more than she loved me.

  I had a hard time sleeping that night. All I could think about was the wonderful day I’d had with Landon. If I went to sleep, then I would have to wake up to the reality that it was back to school and back to being treated like a leper. Thank goodness there were only a few weeks of school left. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with all the hate drama.

  The first thing I saw when I got to school Monday was my locker covered with words written in permanent marker: “Spawn of a heroin-addicted welfare whore.” I should have known something was coming. They usually put the slander up on posters, but this time it was more lasting. There was no taking that down, and it wasn’t going to just wash off either. I was trying to figure out a way to deal with it when I saw Milah Jo coming at me looking mad as hell.