Opiate Jane

by Baker, Jessica K. ;

  “You act like I do nothing but mess up all the time,” Landon protested. “I think you’re just looking for something else to nag at me for. Every time I think I’m getting something right, there you are telling me I’ve done something else wrong. I can’t win with you, Jane. Nothing I do is good enough for you. You want me to be somebody I can’t be, and quite frankly I’m getting tired of it.”

  I smacked his finger out from in front of my face.

  “Landon, you make me feel like the biggest bitch in the world. I do feel like I bitch at you all the time. I love you; I don’t want anything to happen to you. That’s why I’m on you about it all the time. I would like nothing more than to not worry about you. But I do and I won’t apologize for that. I won’t. I don’t want to do this anymore. Not like this.”

  He backed away from me and threw his arms up in the air.

  “Really? Is that what you want? Is that where this is going? You don’t want to worry about me anymore? Are you telling me you’re done then, Jane? You’re done with me?”

  I stepped closer to him. I was not going to let him walk away from me. We were going to finish this conversation with nothing left unsaid.

  “That’s not what I want, Landon. I want you, but not this way. I’ve been through all of this once before, and my sanity cannot take a second round.”

  He was starting to calm down a little.

  “Jane, it doesn’t sound like you’re giving me a choice. It sounds like it’s going to be your way or no way. Why does it have to be your way?”

  “I want this for me, Landon, but I want it more for you. My way will keep you alive. You could hate me for the rest of my life and I wouldn’t care as long as I knew you were healthy and safe. I don’t want to lose you. It would kill me to know I wouldn’t be able to see your face every day, even if that face despised me. I know you think I’m being silly and paranoid about everything, but you need to realize that, at any moment, what you’re doing could take your life. Would you want me to live my life carrying the guilt of you losing yours? I would carry that guilt for all my days because I sat back and did nothing but watch you die. Heck, I didn’t just watch—I gave you permission. I have a decision to make also. Do I let you kill yourself or do I rat you out to your parents and you hate me forever? So if you don’t choose to tell them and get help, then I will. You get to make the decision about our future, but I’m making the decision about yours.”

  There. I’d put it all out there. I didn’t know what he would say. I was so scared. Would he choose to walk toward our future or would he choose to walk out of my life? I couldn’t stand to wait for his response. I walked over to the car and leaned against it with my head down. It was quiet for a long time.

  I couldn’t take it anymore, so I turned around and raised my head to see what he was doing. He was still standing in the same place he had been. He was staring right at me. He walked over to me and stood directly in front of me. He looked down at my face and gave me the meanest look I could have ever imagined. I was scared to death of what he was about to say. He stooped down so his face was right in front of mine.

  “Jane, I will not be told what to do. This isn’t fair. I don’t ask you to change. I love you, but I will not put up with this anymore. I’m done. And so help me, if you say anything to Mom and Dad, I’ll never speak to you again. Do you understand me? Never.”

  He kissed my forehead and headed toward the door. I fell to the ground before he made it out the door. To this day, I’m still not sure how I made it back to my bedroom. I was shocked. I don’t know why, because deep down I’d known that would be his choice.

  I stayed in my bedroom for two days. I cried more than I’d ever cried in my life. I’d known this outcome was a good possibility when I’d given Landon his choices, but I’d given them to him anyway. I’d known it would hurt, but I’d never dreamed I would feel like I would never be able to breathe again. It felt like Landon had shot a hole straight through my heart. I kept telling myself this was better than the alternative. I could live through this; I could not live through Landon’s death.

  I didn’t go to school Monday. Mother thought I was staying in bed because I was sick. I didn’t tell her any different until Monday night after Lizzie had gone to bed. I got up and went into the living room. It was time I talked to Mother about everything. It was the first time in years I’d actually talked to my mother about anything other than what I had to. But I told her everything. I told her about how I felt about her and how I was finally starting to trust her again. I told her about how serious my relationship with Landon was. I told her about Landon’s drug use and how it had broken my heart that I couldn’t help him. She told me she would help me talk to Mrs. Whitman. It was something I had to do. I knew Landon was going to hate me forever. It hurt to know that, but I had to do it.

  I stayed home again Tuesday, but this time it was so Mother and I could go talk to Mrs. Whitman. Mrs. Whitman was nicer than I’d expected. She’d never liked me, but she seemed to have a soft spot for my mother. Mrs. Whitman listened intently as Mother told her everything I’d shared. Mrs. Whitman asked me why I would choose to tell her everything about Landon if I loved him so much. I explained to her that it was because I loved him so much that I had to tell her. I just couldn’t have handled it if something were to happen to Landon and I hadn’t done anything to prevent it. Mrs. Whitman actually apologized to me and told me she’d misjudged me. I couldn’t believe it.

  She expressed her concern for Landon and grabbed her laptop right away to find a rehab center. Oh my gosh! Landon was really going to hate me now. I sat there in a daze while Mother explained to Mrs. Whitman how rehab worked and how it had changed her life. When we left, Mrs. Whitman was on the phone making arrangements for Landon to enter treatment. She’d decided to buy a drug test and test him when he got home from school. She said if he tested positive, she would take him straight to the rehab center.

  Mother asked me if I wanted to go somewhere so I wouldn’t be home when Landon got back from school. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to see him before he left. I had to, even if it was only through my window. I didn’t want to face him, but I wanted to see him. I hadn’t seen him since he’d kissed me goodbye.

  I saw him come in from school about 3:45 p.m. It wasn’t until about 5:30 that I heard him outside yelling at Mrs. Whitman. She was loading luggage into the back of her car. They got into Mrs. Whitman’s car and drove away. I haven’t seen Landon since. Watching them drive away was heartbreaking.

  I missed school the first couple days Landon was gone. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want anyone to touch me or even look at me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone; I didn’t want to see anyone; I just wanted to sit and stare. It was like the world was going on as if nothing had changed. Couldn’t anyone see that it had changed?

  Landon was gone, and even when he came back, he might never speak to me again. I couldn’t bear it; I really couldn’t. I tried to move, but it felt like my limbs weighed too much for me to move them. They were so heavy. The first night he was gone, I’m pretty sure I had an anxiety attack. My face felt like it was on fire, the rest of my body was freezing, I was shaking, and my feet and hands felt so cold. How could someone feel so miserable, relieved, sad, happy, lonely, scared, and angry all at the same time? I was so glad Landon was somewhere he could get help and get healthy again, but I was so angry that he was gone. The drugs had taken him from me in a whole other way. I should have been thrilled that he was getting help. And I was; I really was. I just missed him so much. I’d thought it was hard to love an addict who was actively using, but I’d never dreamed how hard it would be to have him taken from me. I wanted to go get him and bring him home, but that would have been very selfish of me. I knew I couldn’t, because I wanted him to get better. That was all I’d ever dreamed of since I’d found out Landon was on pills. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. I wanted him to re
alize he could live life without the drugs.

  I was scared that if he did decide to forgive me, he might realize he didn’t really love me. Evidently, he’d been high the entire time I’d known him. When he started to live life sober, would he even like me? I probably shouldn’t have worried about it, because I was sure he wasn’t going to forgive me for what I’d done.

  Landon was in my dreams every night. They were crazy dreams, but some way or another he was always in them. I missed him so much. I needed to see him, smell him, and touch him. I just needed him.

  I missed several more days of school and avoided all phone calls. I pretty much just stayed in bed and tried to sleep the time away. I think I’d been in bed about nine days when I woke up to Milah Jo yelling at me to put my damn boots on and to pull my big-girl panties up. She stayed there all day bugging the crap out of me until I agreed to go to school the next day. I knew she was right; staying in bed wasn’t going to make things any better. I couldn’t believe she still cared about me after the way I’d treated her the past few months. Between obsessing over Landon and losing my mind once he left, I hadn’t even talked to Milah Jo much.

  • • • • •

  The next month of school was really rough without Landon. I don’t know how I could have gotten through it if not for Milah Jo, Luke, and Mother. Luke was a senior; he’d started sitting with me and Milah Jo at lunch. I’d noticed him around before, but he was a loner like I was and had never really said much. He’d been really helpful. He’d decided I could use a friend since pretty much everybody at school hated me and thought I was a narc. Both of Luke’s parents were addicts. He lived with his aunt and uncle because his parents were in prison for trafficking. He was really easy to talk to because he got it. He understood what it was like to love people who love drugs. He got why I did what I did and didn’t give me a hard time about it like almost everybody else in this stupid farm school.

  Kyle made sure to let everyone at school know I’d ratted Landon out to his parents. Emily had finally left me alone. I guess that was her way of agreeing with me. But I had new hate graffiti to deal with. It had become a daily thing to see “Narc” or “Rat” on my locker. I didn’t think Emily was behind it, though. Apparently I had new haters.

  I’d really considered doing the home-school thing on the internet. I’d gotten pretty used to being a loner, so losing the social aspects of my high school years didn’t sound all that bad to me. Mother wouldn’t hear of it, though. She said I had to stick it out. She also had this theory that if those kids couldn’t see that I’d done the right thing, then they weren’t worth my time anyway. Mother just kept telling me that doing the right thing was never easy and that things would get better. She said that one day Landon would thank me for what I’d done. I didn’t believe that, though. I just knew he would hate me forever.

  Mrs. Whitman had been keeping us updated on Landon’s progress. She kept telling us he was doing really well. She showed us a picture of her visit one weekend and Landon looked great. Mrs. Whitman said he’d gained twenty-two pounds since he’d been in treatment. He did look really good. She said he really liked the AA/NA part of his treatment.

  Landon was sixty-three days into a ninety-day program when I got a letter from him. I was shaking when I opened it. I had no idea what it would say. It took me a whole day before I finally got the courage to open it.

  Dear Jane,

  I’m not sure of what to say. I’m at a loss for words. I believe the last thing I said to you was that I would never speak to you again. I was wrong. I am so sorry. I don’t think I could go through my life with never speaking to you again. I have been angry at you for a long time. I couldn’t understand why you would do this to me. You said you loved me and yet you told Mom everything and she sent me here. Through the help of my counselor, I have realized that you did it because you loved me. I put you through so many things you should have never gone through. You had already been through so much with your mother. I didn’t realize how bad I had gotten until my head was clear and I could see all that I had done.

  I am working the steps of AA/NA. I am on step nine. It tells me I need to make amends with everyone I hurt. I know I hurt you. You mean the world to me and I treated you the worst. I understand now that you were trying to help me. I am so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. I get to come home in twenty-seven days; I hope you will give me a second chance. I understand if that isn’t possible. I do hope, however, that we can remain friends because I do want you to be a part of my life. I love you so much, Jane. Please don’t give up on me yet.

  Landon

  • • • • •

  I couldn’t believe he really wanted to try to work things out. He had said he would never speak to me again and I’d been sure he would hate me forever. I’d finally started to come to grips with knowing he would never be a part of my life again. Now, after reading this letter, the thought of him coming home and wanting me sent shock waves right through my stomach. It was all I’d dreamed about.

  I wasn’t sure what it would be like when Landon came home. Would he truly forgive me? Would I be able to trust him again? I’d gotten so paranoid toward the end, I’d practically tracked every move he’d made. I couldn’t do that after he came home. For him to be able to get better, I would need to be able to give him back some trust. I couldn’t be questioning his every move. I wasn’t sure how to do that because I knew I would always wonder if he was out getting high. I didn’t know if I could truly hand over my heart again that easily. It had happened so accidentally the first time. I’d never meant for it to happen.

  The problem was he already had my heart. He would always have my heart. He hadn’t given it back to me the day he’d left. In fact, I think he might have taken it with him. That made it an easy decision for me to make: I had to give him a second chance. There was no other choice for me. I loved him so much.

  I’d learned a lot lately. I’d come to believe that everyone should get a second chance and that some things take hold of us whether we want them to or not. The drugs took hold of Landon, and Landon took hold of me. We never start out thinking we’ll lose control of ourselves, but before we know it, something else is controlling every part of us.

  I would give Landon that second chance. I would count down the days until he came home. Yes, home. This was home now. This small town in this little county had become my home, and I loved every bit of it thanks to Landon showing me how beautiful it was.

  Acknowledgments

  A special thank you to my family for putting up with all my book craziness and encouraging me to get it done. A huge thank you to my family and friends for supporting me and helping me share this story with the world. Your support is everything.

  To my Papa, may you rest in heaven. The pride you showed every time you told someone about this book filled me with so much love. You always treated me as if I were going to do great things, and I will forever miss you.

  To my mom, you were always the best mother a child could have ever wanted and now you are gone. You will never know how you are so very missed. I will forever be grateful for everything you always did for me. You were my rock and my safe haven. What will I ever do without you?

  And to my daughter, everything I do is for you, kiddo. I love you to the moon and back. You have grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn’t be prouder of you. Always go after your dreams; you can do anything you want.

  About the author

  Jessica K. Baker drew upon her personal experiences with loved ones battling addiction as she wrote her first book, Opiate Jane. Jessica also spent five years working in the addiction field as a counseling assistant and a social work assistant. Jessica, who has a degree in human and social services, shares her life in Ohio with her teen-aged daughter, Annie.

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