Toradora! Vol. 8

by Yuyuko Takemiya

  But if he did, it would be nothing more than a lie.

  Yes—that was right. Not a single thing had gone well so far. Not when they carried Taiga’s bag together, not when they spoke window-to-window or were in Taiga’s kitchen, not even when they were just skiing together. The reason why he had thought things were going well—the reason he’d thought they would be able to keep this up—was because he’d successfully deceived himself. It was because he’d stifled himself and gone along with Minori.

  If Ryuuji ever tried to change Minori’s path, he would lose his balance. Just like when they were skiing.

  “Hmm, we need to do something for the sake of the trip. Plus, this is the last one. I’d really hate that… I really want us to just stay like this.” Minori slowly put her hand in her pocket and pulled out something small and shiny. She used it to pin up her pesky bangs.

  “Where’d you get that?”

  “Hm? This hairpin? Taiga gave it to me. She told me it’s special, so I have to keep it really, really safe or something. Cute, huh? Oh, I don’t mean me, I mean the pin.”

  As Minori smiled, an orange hairpin glittered in her hair. It was the one Ryuuji had chosen himself. So Taiga had had it all along.

  “Ha ha…”

  Ryuuji laughed and put his face in his hands.

  I’m done.

  After seeing the hairpin that had been the last remnant of his feelings for Minori, he realized that the gears had broken beyond repair. If you tried to forcibly align things that just wouldn’t work together—well, look. Everything would come crashing down.

  She wanted things to stay as they were. She didn’t want anything to change. Minori had said as much herself. It would be better if everyone could stay like this. It would be better if we could always be like this.

  To turn in harmony with Minori’s gear, Ryuuji would have to take that hairpin and stomp on it in secret to kill the truth. He would have to kill a part of himself.

  He could have gone along with Minori’s nothing-ever-happened world, laughed it off, and pretended he hadn’t ever been rejected. But…he couldn’t do that anymore. Ryuuji’s heart was still alive. If he tried to kill it, he’d just be bleeding.

  Everything that had played out so far was all a way for Minori to create proof that nothing had happened. The feeling of when she had touched him, when they laughed and he felt ticklish, even her coming out of her way now to see him—all of it.

  She was doing it all on purpose. So she could pretend Christmas Eve had never happened.

  “Aha ha…right… so that’s how it was.”

  “What’s wrong, Takasu-kun? Why have you been so quiet? What is it? Hey?”

  “No! It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  Ryuuji kept his face covered but opened his eyes.

  Everything was in pieces. He couldn’t stand bleeding in secret or deceiving himself any longer. Minori’s desire to keep the status quo basically meant Ryuuji would have to keep slaying his feelings, and Minori knew that. She’d gone out of her way to preemptively reject him that night on Christmas Eve because she knew that, and still, she wished for nothing to change.

  I’m stubborn and unfair, Minori had said to him in the past. He finally understood what she meant.

  If you like me, stubborn and unfair as I am, then you need to still like me despite knowing that. She wanted him to be aware of that, even as she asked him to crush his own heart. She wouldn’t reciprocate, but if that was fine with him, he could keep on liking her.

  But why?

  Why wouldn’t she just tell him that she didn’t want to date him because she didn’t like him?

  Oh, I see. It’s because she’s stubborn and unfair.

  It was because she didn’t have the courage to hurt him.

  “Takasu-kun…Takasu-kun! What’s wrong? Did something happen? Sorry…did I say something wrong?”

  Ryuuji raised his head and smiled as though to say, Nothing, nothing’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong at all. He stood up and took two large steps away from Minori. When he heard her voice call to him, “Where are you going?” he turned on his heel without saying a word.

  Everyone was probably still in the dining hall. He kept his smile plastered on his face as he quickly walked down the hallway and back to the bustling dinner area. He went back to the table, where only his seat remained empty.

  “I’m going to go back to the room early. My stomach hurts. Where are the keys?”

  “Takasu…”

  He realized Kitamura was shocked at the sight of his face. He realized that Noto and Haruta had stopped talking and were looking at him, too.

  But they said nothing, and Ryuuji took the keys and left the dining area.

  ***

  Ryuuji had thought the worst night of his life was Christmas Eve. He couldn’t have imagined that those ugly memories would be unearthed so soon.

  He returned to the dim and dusty smelling Japanese-style room on his own and quickly laid out one set of the bedding that had been piled in a nook. He set his bed up in the farthest corner of the room possible. He didn’t even tuck in the sheets but only put out the bottom-most layer of bedding and threw the pillow and blanket down onto it. He hadn’t even taken his evening bath, and he was still in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, but he dove right in.

  He wanted an hour—no, even just thirty minutes alone like this. He prayed no one would come into the room.

  On that night, he’d had a home to return to. There was a bed he could slip into without anyone seeing. On top of that, his flu symptoms had started, and his head had been fuzzy. Even his memories of going home were ambiguous, like it had been a dream.

  Now, though, reality was playing out incredibly clearly and tangibly before his own eyes. It was being etched right into the folds of his brain.

  Kushieda Minori would never accept his feelings. Kushieda Minori had decided that. It was a reality he couldn’t change. She had scrubbed everything clean from start to finish so that Ryuuji’s unrequited love no longer even existed.

  Minori would never accept that he liked her. She wouldn’t even accept that his feelings existed in this world. Ghosts aren’t real, UFOs are just your eyes playing tricks on you, and Takasu-kun doesn’t have feelings for me.

  That’s how it was.

  But why?

  Why?

  He held his pillow, rounded his body up, and squeezed his eyes shut. He bit his lip. Please, please, make it so no one comes into this room.

  At that moment, he heard shuffling.

  “Takasu, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

  “Is he asleep? We’re worried about you, Takasu. We’re just worried.”

  “Does your stomach actually hurt? Did you eat something by yourself?”

  His wishes were easily betrayed. The three guys gathered around him without hesitation.

  You’ve got to be kidding—unfortunately this was reality, too.

  Pretending he hadn’t heard anything, Ryuuji stayed curled up in the bedding like a raccoon.

  “Hey, you.” Haruta’s finger poked him right in the butt. If he really had been sleeping because his stomach hurt, that would have spelled disaster. “What? He’s seriously sleeping?”

  Haruta actually tried to pull the covers off him. Ryuuji held onto them, but resisting too much would have been suspicious, and he was forced to let go. The covers were stripped right off of him, and Ryuuji felt the creepy sensation of the idiot’s breath on his cheek as Haruta looked over his face. He curled up his whole body and desperately kept his eyes closed.

  “Ugh…”

  “Oh, there we go! Let’s see, is he really sleeping?”

  He absolutely didn’t have it in him to tell everyone what had happened. He just wanted to be alone right then. He wanted them to somehow read his leave-me-alone aura.

  “Aw, he’s asleep. Ah well. Then we’ll just have to be really quiet!”

  Right, right, that was good. Sorry, Haruta. Sorry, everyone. But the moment Ryuuji began to fe
el the slightest bit of relief, the most mind-boggling of comments came from none other than Noto’s mouth.

  “Hey, Kitamura, what do you think you’re doing?! Why’re you taking off your clothes all of a sudden?!”

  The eyelids of the sleeping raccoon twitched. Stop. Don’t do that. Ryuuji held his breath in spite of himself, feeling some incredibly unpleasant presence nearby.

  “Well, Takasu is sleeping, so I thought I’d get ready for bed, too.”

  “Gaaaah! Why’re you taking off just your pants? How perverted are you, master—I mean, ass-ter?!”

  “I’m sleeping with my shirt on. Now, where’s my bag? Where’d it go?”

  “Ahhhhhh! You’re being a little too liberal, ass-ter!”

  “Put that thing back! This is too realistic!”

  Kitamura…your bag is on the bottom shelf of the cupboard! Ryuuji desperately told him, but unfortunately, it seemed his telepathy didn’t reach Kitamura. He heard Kitamura walking on the tatami mats. Just imagining Kitamura’s disrobed state was terrifying, and even more terrifyingly, those footsteps came to a halt directly above Ryuuji’s pillow. They stopped literally right above his head.

  He can’t be straddling my head right now. His mind was occupied by the unthinkable image—

  “Oh, dear. I feel some mysterious gassy substance coming out of my butt…”

  “That’s a direct hit, Kitamura! It’s not even going to filter through anything!”

  “Phew! You’re the worst! Poor Taka-chan, that’s such a tragic fate!”

  No way.

  No way. No way. No way. Nowaynonononono—

  “Poot.”

  “YOU…IDIOOOOOOOOOOT!”

  Ryuuji sat up.

  “Kitamura, you better not have gotten your noxious, filthy spray of E. coli-filled gas on my face—oh?!”

  “We lied…”

  “I didn’t think he’d believe it…”

  “He so fell for it…”

  He faced the three stooges. Kitamura stood over Ryuuji, fully clothed in his normal tracksuit, hands pressed together as he squeezed the air between them out into jovial “Poot poot poot ♪” noises.

  “Why…you…”

  For a good five seconds, Ryuuji just looked at them in a stupor.

  “ARGH! Do you guys even know how terrified I was?!”

  “Sorry, but we were worried because you were acting weird.”

  Faced by Kitamura’s serious face, Ryuuji held his head and writhed. He couldn’t put it into words, but he wanted to tell them, You’re the ones being weird with that convincing performance!

  “So, what happened?” Noto also looked earnestly at Ryuuji with eyes about half the size of Kitamura’s (and they weren’t cute).

  Haruta said, “My feet are cold. Lemme under there, too.” He tried to force his toes into the toasty covers Ryuuji was under.

  “Nothing…really…happened…”

  “Would a guy who had nothing happen to him go back to the room on his own and pretend to sleep? You were worried about me before, and you talked to me about it. This time, I—we—want to do that. If there’s anything we can do, we want to do it. We’re worried about you. Talk to us, please.”

  Kitamura sat down with his legs folded directly under him and leaned forward. Ryuuji understood painfully well the feelings that made Kitamura say that. He really had been worried the time Kitamura had gone blond.

  But Kitamura has things he can’t talk about himself, doesn’t he? Ryuuji ended up thinking.

  “Hey…please.”

  Suddenly, he felt embarrassed for thinking that. The moment he raised his eyes, he was hit with Kitamura’s sincere, direct gaze. Noto and Haruta were looking straight at Ryuuji’s eyes, too.

  These guys were his friends.

  Whether he liked it or not, they were allies.

  All allies did was believe in the person they were there for, didn’t they? If an ally didn’t tell him something, then Ryuuji just had to believe they’d had a reason for it. It was time to throw up his hands.

  Ryuuji—mostly unconsciously—had already raised his hands in unconditional surrender.

  “I couldn’t tell any of you for a long time, but…” He hesitated. “I-I…”

  Haruta straightened up. Noto and Kitamura had already been sitting upright.

  “…l-l-l-liked Kushieda, but—”

  “Wha?!”

  “Huh!”

  “Keep going!”

  “…she rejected me on Christmas Eve…”

  “Ngh…”

  “Uhh!”

  “Keep going!”

  “…then I talked to her just now…and it’s completely over…”

  “Guh…”

  “Fwoo…”

  “K-keep going!”

  “That’s all I’ve got!”

  Whoo! Ryuuji collapsed. All the strength rushed out of him at once, and the inside of his head went white. He felt like he was about to crumble into ash. He felt like he’d be scattered by a passing wind.

  All of them were silent.

  Kitamura looked stealthily at Noto. Noto was looking hesitantly at Haruta. Then Haruta looked slowly into Ryuuji’s eyes.

  ………

  “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

  They flipped.

  “EEEEEEEEK!” “WAAAAAAAAH!” “OHHHHHHHH!” They yelled like idiots. “NUOOO!” They writhed, rolled on the ground, scratched at the floor, and arched their bodies backward.

  “What the hell, Takasu?! Since when?! Kushieda… Kushieda! KUSHIEDAAAAA?!”

  “Wait, Takasu, why? Why is that how it is, and how is it like that, like why?!”

  “Kushieda?! Kushieda?! Huh, but Kushieda… You can’t possibly mean that Kushieda?!”

  Ryuuji jutted out his chin and stared at the ceiling. “That’s right! It’s Kushieda Minori! That—that weird girl is the one I liked for over a year! I’m sorry I ever liked her! But she doesn’t seem to have feelings at all! It’s like she couldn’t even imagine it happening! She doesn’t feel anything for me, I’m telling you! Nothing at all! WHYYYYYY?!”

  He fell face down onto the blankets. He didn’t care what happened anymore. He didn’t even care if he breathed in mites. He didn’t even care if he had a slight allergic reaction. He wouldn’t even care if he started crying right there.

  “But actually, come to think of it, you and Miss Kushieda were pretty close, weren’t you?! Like I remember seeing you guys talking enough to make me think twice?!”

  At Noto’s voice, good old Haruta with his weak memory followed suit.

  “I thought so, too!”

  Like that would console him… Ryuuji started to deny it, but they kept going.

  “Why’d Miss Kushieda reject you, Takasu?! What’s her reasoning?! I can’t accept that—like at all! I haven’t heard of her having a boyfriend either, and it’s not like she’d like anybody else?! But I’d never ever have imagined…a guy liking Kushieda! Like seriously, why?!”

  “That’s what I want to know! Why don’t you ask her?” Ryuuji wailed desperately.

  “How about we do it? Let’s ask her.”

  Kitamura quickly stood up. Huh? Ryuuji looked up at his face.

  “I can’t believe it either. If I’d been a girl, I definitely would’ve dated Takasu.”

  Me, too! Yup, yup! Noto and Haruta raised their voices. Kitamura’s expression was completely serious. He pushed his glasses up on his nose as he declared this without hesitation.

  “Are you an idiot?!” said Ryuuji. “That’s not funny! That’s not even a joke!”

  “Well, it’s not just asking Kushieda about you, Takasu. Actually, I’m in the mood to ask the girls some stuff.”

  “Then why don’t you pay a visit to their room by yourself?! D-D-D-Don’t use me as an excuse!”

  Kitamura put a gentle hand on Ryuuji’s shoulder as he writhed.

  “Instead of staying in bed like this, you should be facing up against the girls, fair and square, starting with Kushieda.
There’s been so much happening today, even my head feels like it’s going to explode. Since it’s come to this, we might as well be frank about it. Nothing comes of fighting! Mutual understanding is the first step to a stable society!”

  “No, no, no! There’s something wrong with what you’re saying! Don’t get me involved, I’m begging you!” Ryuuji waved his hands in a desperate attempt to stop Kitamura’s recklessness.

  “Well, Takasu, there’s stuff I want to ask the girls, too. So, let’s go. I’m pretty sure the girls’ room is one floor down.”

  “Taka-chan! This is definitely how you get your revenge! Like no matter what happens…we want to protect our precious Taka-chan! I won’t forgive her for rejecting you! Curse you, Kushieda!”

  “Okay, let’s go. Right now.”

  “Okay, we’re all going now. C’mon Takasu.”

  “HURAH! GURAH! We’re coming for you, Kushieda!”

  “Stop, stop, stop! Stop! Anyway, just sit down—huh?!” Ryuuji grabbed Kitamura’s enthusiastic arm and tried to stop him, but instead, his hand was taken, and he was pulled right out of bed.

  “Noto, you have the key, right?! Let’s go!”

  “Wait, wait, wait, you’re serious?! You’re really serious?!”

  The other three nodded solemnly.

  “This is just like Chushingura—that story where the forty-seven ronin avenge their master. If you’re the master, Asano Naganori, then we’re the Aka-roshi that were involved in the attack.”

  “Aren’t you just using me as an excuse to go there?!”

  “Think of Kushieda as the villain in Chushingura—she’s Kira. But we’re trying to have a gentlemanly conversation with her. Okay, room’s locked.”

  “It’s not like we can talk to them about it! We’ll just end up getting in another fight!”

  “Oh yeah, Kira. He’s so cool! I’ve got every volume! It’s kind of hard to follow though! Maybe I’ll cut my hair, too! Bringing a manga to the hairstylist might be kind of embarrassing, though?!”

  “I think you’re talking about something completely different? Whoa!”

  Kitamura and Noto took off running down the hall, and Haruta followed after them without hesitation.

  “Hey! Damn it…seriously…seriously. I seriously don’t care what happens anymore!”