The Experiment

by Grant C. Holland

  There was the guy that lived in a basement apartment at his parents’ home. The emphasis should have been on basement and not apartment. It was more like a root cellar renovated into a bomb shelter. It was detached from the house and was entered through a wooden door that was nearly horizontal against the ground. Aaron liked the idea of a cozy place to live, but not one where he was constantly reminded that apocalypse might be just around the corner.

  Another of his dates saw all of his life through the lens of vintage TV sitcoms. He didn’t talk about past events shared with family or friends. Instead he responded to Aaron’s comments with, “That’s like the time Fonzie…” or, “I understand. Mary Tyler Moore was always like that.”

  Aaron decided that the cause of his failures with online dating was the lack of a serious plan and approach. He couldn’t address online dating by just throwing a profile up on a site. He needed to be systematic about it. There needed to be an official starting date. The results of his efforts needed to be carefully analyzed to move him closer and closer to that ideal, perfect date, and, ultimately, a lasting relationship with the man of his dreams.

  It was early for a Saturday morning, just after 8:00 a.m. Aaron was still nursing his morning coffee, and he wasn’t yet awake enough for breakfast. Seated at one end of the couch with one long thin leg pulled up close to his chest, Aaron balanced his laptop on the knee and, blinking through the thick lenses of his glasses, typed a search into the Men2Date web site.

  As always, when working on his computer at home, Aaron placed his authentic circa 1981 Star Wars Yoda action figure nearby. The guru was perched on the coffee table facing Aaron. Yoda’s key lessons for the day were about having patience and focusing on the current moment.

  Aaron typed 8:15 a.m. on his blog page as the official start time. He looked at the results pulled up from Men2Date. The first two were rather dull. The guys looked okay, but their profiles were nearly empty and what they did say was they enjoyed the usual dinner out, movies, and walking. Aaron enjoyed all of those, too, but he was looking for something more unique like his own mention of being up for the occasional adventure like a zip line through the forest or a weekend boat rental on Summers Lake.

  After scanning through five more profiles, Aaron was ready to take a break and reconsider his search terms until he noticed the last profile in the list. He chuckled softly at the name — cityfox3 — but it was the photo that made him look twice. He knew that he was not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but Aaron was a man and that meant visuals were very important.

  The man had tousled brown hair that Aaron needed to explore with his fingers. He had full lips waiting to be kissed, and the way he stared into the camera in the main profile photo made Aaron just want to stare back…for hours. He was finally able to take his eyes off the photo for long enough to browse through the interests. The new acquaintance said that he loved minor league baseball games, hiking on trails through city and state parks, and searching through shops with antique toys. He said that he was a “happy city dweller” with the “open heart of a small-town boy.”

  Some of it did sound a little hokey, but at least somebody took time to put words together that gave him a little bit of depth and made him stand out from the crowd. His profile also said that he worked a high-pressure job, and was looking for someone to help him learn the importance of balance in life.

  The red lights went off in Aaron’s head. He thought, He’s a workaholic. He’ll be at the office to 8:00 p.m. every night and then you’ll argue about it until you both fall asleep in a huff at 11:00.

  Aaron sighed and repositioned himself on the couch. He shut down the dating site and perused his most recent e-mail. He skipped through Dale’s latest, “I’ve got the greatest idea, Aaron! This one will sell a bazillion!” messages and smiled at Derek’s question about whether he wanted to check out a box of old, dusty Star Wars paperback books at Undercover, the book shop Derek ran with his boyfriend Yale.

  It was time to close the laptop and think about breakfast. Aaron set the computer on the coffee table next to Yoda, reached up brushing his unruly, wavy black hair off his forehead, and wandered to the kitchen.

  Just as he opened the refrigerator to scan the meager food options, Aaron heard a knock on his apartment door. He grabbed the orange juice from inside the door and pushed aside last night’s leftover pizza to get to the last container of key-lime-pie-flavored yogurt. Setting them both on the counter, Aaron shouted, “Coming,” and then answered the door.

  It was his neighbor Christy. She lived just three units down from Aaron in the same building. She moved there with her four-year-old daughter Sylvia after breaking up with Sylvia’s father. It was a difficult breakup to put things mildly. Christy allowed her ex, Ethan, regular visitation rights to Sylvia in an effort to avoid the whole mess being dragged into court.

  Aaron tried to keep an eye on Christy and Sylvia. Ethan occasionally grew violent. He never hit Christy or Sylvia that Aaron was aware of, but there was always the possibility of a first time. Instead, he broke things and threw furniture against the wall.

  Aaron said, “Hi, Christy. You’re up and about early for a Saturday morning.”

  She smiled, pushed her long hair over her shoulder and said, “Sylvia never sleeps later than 7:00 a.m. I hope when she grows up she finds a guy that’s a morning person. She will drive him crazy otherwise.”

  Aaron laughed softly thinking it was always possible Sylvia would find herself a woman and not a man. Then he said, “I guess I should ask how your morning is going then.”

  She asked, “Were you looking out your windows this morning at all?”

  He shook his head and didn’t know whether he should mention the grand experiment. Instead, he just followed her thread and asked, “Was there something going on down there? Hopefully, Ethan wasn’t back.”

  She said, “No, but this does have something to do with him. I had to order a new couch because he was being a jackass the last time he was here and broke the legs off it.”

  “Did he pay for it?” asked Aaron.

  “No,” said Christy. She held up her hands as he began to frown. “And don’t get all agitated about it. The old couch was stained and the cushions were wearing out anyway. I was just hoping it had a few more months to go.”

  Aaron’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m still not sure I’m following why this has anything to do with what I might have seen from my windows.”

  She grinned. “I guess I should get back to exactly what happened.” Christy turned her head and pointed toward the door. “The new couch is out in the parking lot right now.”

  Aaron raised an eyebrow. “Should I ask how it got there?”

  “The stupid delivery guys.” She sighed. “They told me I didn’t pay to have it carried upstairs. I asked how much extra that would be, and they said $25. I barely had enough to pay for the couch as it is. I can’t afford another chunk of change like that.”

  Aaron scratched his stubbly beard and said, “Now, I think I’m starting to piece it together. You want me to do manual labor before 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning.”

  Christy smiled sweetly and said, “Please, this doesn’t just benefit me. It’s for Sylvia, too.”

  Rubbing his chin, Aaron said, “Hmm…let me think about it.” He paused for ten seconds and then said, “Of course. How could I deny a sweet four-year-old girl the comfort of a new couch.”

  * * *

  The couch turned out to be more lightweight than Aaron expected. It was just bulky and awkward. After a couple of brief breaks and getting it stuck in the stairwell once, Aaron and Christy carried the brown corduroy couch through the front door of Christy’s apartment.

  Aaron heard the squeal of joy before he could actually see Sylvia. She shouted, “Mr. Austin!” Then she was hugging his thigh while he tried to help Christy maneuver the couch into place in the living room.

  Aaron said, “Sylvia, punkin, you need to move out of the way until we get this set down.” />
  “Okay, Mr. Austin,” said Sylvia as she backed up toward the wall.

  “There!” exclaimed Christy as the couch took its place perpendicular to the wall where Sylvia stood. Christy said, “I think this is a great place because it helps divide up the space and give us a little dining area.”

  Aaron sat on the new couch sprawling his long legs out in front of him. Sylvia raced over and climbed into his lap. She said, “I love you Mr. Austin!”

  He hugged her tight saying, “I love you, too, Sylvia, but you start too early on Saturday mornings.

  Christy laughed as she watched both of them and asked, “Can I get you something to drink, Aaron? I really appreciate your help as always.”

  “Sure thing. Iced tea, soda, whatever you’ve got.” He turned his attention to Sylvia as she pulled a rock out of the pocket of her pants and explained that she found it when she came home from having ice cream with Mommy.

  “I think that might possibly be the finest rock I’ve ever seen,” said Aaron as he held it between his fingers turning it this way and that. Then he gingerly removed Sylvia from his lap saying, “Let me go keep your mommy company in the kitchen. I don’t have to be quite so lazy.”

  Aaron walked toward the kitchen and then he froze in place. A small metal-framed bookcase stood against the wall in the living room. He was sure he saw it at least a dozen times before, but he never really focused on what sat on the shelves. It contained books as expected, but it also contained framed photos of people that Aaron assumed were family and friends.

  The photo on the second shelf down from the top looked very familiar, but Aaron couldn’t place it at first. He closed his eyes and tried to remember where he’d seen the face. He thought about high school, and he thought about college.

  Christy asked, “Aaron, you’re staring off into space. Is everything okay?”

  Aaron said, “This picture, Christy. Are these friends? Or family? I’m just curious…”

  She leaned over the back of the couch to see exactly what Aaron was talking about. “Oh, that’s my brother Jamie. I’m surprised you didn’t see the picture before. He’s a great guy, but we don’t see him often enough.”

  “Well, you know how guys are,” said Aaron. “We don’t notice some things until they hit us over the head…” The last word trailed off as Aaron suddenly remembered where he saw the face. It was cityfox3! He needed to check again when he got back home, but he thought he would recognize those full, sexy lips anywhere.

  A distinctive chill raced up his spine when he thought about the possibility of dating Christy’s…brother. Jamie was also Sylvia’s uncle. Confusion reigned immediately, but Aaron decided to put it out of his mind, at least until he got back home. It was much too complicated to even think about at the moment.

  Christy walked up behind him with a glass of iced tea in her hand. She said, “Aaron! Stop staring.”

  He laughed. “Oh, I wasn’t staring at your brother anymore. I was starting to peruse your choice in literature. You really should have Charlotte’s Web. I would love to read it to Sylvia in another two or three years.

  Sylvia tugged at Aaron’s jeans leg. “Read me a book, Mr. Austin. Please…”

  Aaron grinned. He said, “How can I turn down a request like that?”

  Christy pulled a book from the shelf and said, “This is one of her favorites. I need to put a load of laundry in down by the office. Would it be okay to leave the two of you here with the book while I go do that?”

  Aaron took the book in hand and looked down at Sylvia. He said, “I think we can handle that.” He said, “Mommy, will just be gone a few minutes, and I’ll read to you while she is washing your clothes.”

  “Okay,” said Sylvia, and she hopped back up on the couch.

  Aaron sat at one end and then pulled Sylvia on to his lap. He reached around her and opened the book. As he started to read, he put as much energy into the characters as he could manage. He loved reading kids’ books and doing different voices for each character.

  Sylvia laughed saying, “You’re funny Mr. Austin.”

  Aaron worked hard to focus on the book and not get lost in thoughts of Christy’s brother. If they started dating, and they eventually got married, he would be Sylvia’s uncle. He loved that idea, but it did feel sort of awkward. Still, cityfox3 looked hot.

  Sylvia tapped her finger on the page of the book. “What’s this say?”

  Aaron booted the stray thoughts from his mind and focused on Sylvia and her story. He squeezed her tight and said, “He ate through one apple…”

  3

  Jamie

  Jamie slumped down on Caleb’s worn sofa and propped his feet up on the ottoman that doubled as a coffee table. Caleb’s taste in furnishings left something to be desired. He was earning nearly as much as Jamie, but no one would have guessed that from the look of the apartment.

  When he was questioned about updating the post-college poverty atmosphere, Caleb said, “I’m planning to wait until I have enough saved up that I can just buy a condo and have somebody do all the furnishing for me. Then I’ll just have to pack up my clothes and move in. I can handle this for now. It’s comfy. It has that lived-in look.”

  Jamie shrugged. He didn’t live at Caleb’s place. He was only a visitor, and at least Caleb kept things clean. There were no piles of dishes in the sink or dirty clothes spilling out the door of the bedroom.

  They had only been back home from the Belgium trip for four days, but Caleb was saying, “Oh my God, Jamie…when he took his clothes off… Well, I helped him out of the clothes, but my heart just fucking pounded in my chest.” He wandered into the living room from the kitchen with a bottle of beer in his hand.

  “I get it,” said Jamie. “Donny looks hot. Is that all he is?”

  Caleb sprawled in an over-stuffed chair with dark brown corduroy upholstery. He held his bottle up for a salute. Jamie followed his lead. “Don’t tear him all the way down, Jamie. Let me at least have some fun. Donny isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but fuck, when he took his clothes off, I felt like I won the lottery.” Caleb sipped at the beer and reached down to adjust his jeans.

  Jamie asked, “And does he know how to use all of that awesome…” He cleared his throat, “equipment?”

  Caleb grinned and said, “The boy knows how to fuck if that’s what you’re asking.”

  With a shrug, Jamie said, “I’m not sure what I’m asking. I’m just making conversation.” He paused and then asked, “Have you done anything outside of bed?”

  Laughing, Caleb said, “Why do I need that with Donny when I have a buddy like you?” Then he added, “Seriously, Donny thought I was some kind of freak because I didn’t have a game console attached to my TV. So we watched some TV. Do you know that you can watch shows about people digging around for gold somewhere in the jungle in South America? Weird shit, Jamie. You and I know how to make money the easy way.” He took another mouthful of the beer and swallowed hard. Jamie watched Caleb’s Adam’s apple rise and fall as it went down.

  “I’m saying this in all honesty, Caleb. I hope you guys are happy. He does sound like a lot of fun.”

  Caleb set the bottle down and leaned forward. He shrugged and said, “Hell, I give it about a month. We really kind of live in two different worlds, but it’s a hell of a lot of fun in bed for now. I’m not gonna sweat it. But man, Jamie, you really should be fucking someone. It kinda balances the hormones you know?”

  Jamie raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t know you took guys to bed for hormonal balance, Caleb. That’s a new one to me. Anyway, my hand keeps me company for now. It never lets me down, and it doesn’t judge based on whether I play video games or not.”

  A loud, resounding laugh echoed through the living room as Caleb threw his head back. When he regained his voice, he said, “Honestly, Jamie, sometimes you really do crack me up.”

  Jamie put his beer down and leaned forward. “You think I’m joking, don’t you? I’ve got magic fingers, bud.”

>   Caleb’s eyes grew wide for a moment. He wondered if Jamie really did know how to jerk off differently from the ordinary guy. Jamie was smart, and it would be just like him to learn something to give himself awesome orgasms that most guys didn’t have. Then Caleb narrowed his eyes and asked, “You’re not shittin’ me, are you Jamie?”

  It was Jamie’s turn to laugh. He said, “That’s what I love about you, buddy. You’re such a gullible lug, and you really are smarter than that.”

  A serious gaze spread across Caleb’s face as he placed his hands on his knees. He said, “Well, see, I may talk otherwise, but I’m fucking honest, Jamie. I’m honest to a fault, so I admit that I might not know everything when it comes to having a hot time in the bedroom, either with a guy or on my own. And you’re one of the smartest guys I know. So it would be just like you to figure out something about jerking off that’s like the miracle drug, and then just keep it a secret from everybody else.”

  Jamie held his hand to his chest and leaned back. “Aww, am I really that bad, Caleb? Would I really consign the rest of the male world to lackluster orgasms just for my personal satisfaction? I’m hurt that you would think that about me.”

  “You would definitely do that.”

  “You’re fucking right I would?” Jamie sighed, “But unfortunately I didn’t. I’m still researching.”

  Caleb chuckled. He said, “Hey, Jamie, remember when we were talking about that online dating site Men2Date?”

  Jamie let a mouthful of beer slowly slide down his throat and then said, “Yeah, I do. Are you already hanging out there looking for the follow up to Donny?”

  Caleb waved his hand. He said, “No, no, not at all. It’s for you, buddy. I put together a profile for you. You can either thank me now or after you are getting banged in bed by Mr. Right.”