Can’t Touch This

by Michael Todd

  The detectives sighed and closed the file, nodding to Pandora and Katie to follow them as they left. Outside the room, they all stood talking. Schultz shook his head. “We can’t do anything else until his lawyer arrives.”

  Pandora threw her hands up. “Bullshit.”

  Katie patted her on the shoulder, thinking. “It’s all right. Where can I find the Halo guys? Maybe they’ll be more help than this asshole.”

  Pandora tapped her hard on the shoulder. “Hey, dummy? They’re outside our place right now.”

  Katie snapped her head toward Pandora, pointing at her. “Watch it.”

  3

  The sky was clear, and the temps sat at nearly seventy-five degrees in the beautiful city of Riffa, Bahrain. It was the second largest city in the country, and one of the most tourist-friendly ones too. Brock and Korbin had arrived the day before and been shown to their two-bedroom house on the water. After a good night’s sleep, they were getting ready to be picked up for a tour of the burial grounds and to be shown where they were going to be building the fort.

  Korbin collected his things, and he and Brock headed out to meet the waiting car. “Have you been to the Middle East before?”

  Brock shook his head. “Nah, not really.”

  Korbin climbed into the car and Brock slid in next to him. Korbin cleared his throat. “We are going to be meeting with someone held in much higher regard than any council member. Today, I want you to just listen. Listen to him, listen to me, and let it all sink in. When the day is over, we’ll sit down, and you can ask me any questions that you want.”

  Brock nodded. “So am I not going to be training?”

  Korbin smiled. “You are. But if you are going to be my partner out here, I think it’s important that you know how to handle everything that goes on in the process. That way, if I am unable to do it for whatever reason, you can step in with no problem and handle it.”

  Brock understood. “Okay, that makes sense. And it’s good, too, because I can help you in more than one way.”

  Korbin patted Brock’s knee. “Yep, exactly. I’ve been to the Middle East several times, but this is my first time in Bahrain. It’s relatively the same, though, at least with the customary stuff. Bahrain is centrally located, so it’s a hub for worldwide business as well as vacationers from across the globe. It is a rich country, thick with history but loose enough to invite technology and innovation into the fray. It could be a good fort and base of operations for the entire Middle East.”

  Brock was a little taken back. “Why here and not somewhere more well known, at least politically?”

  Korbin chuckled. “Because they are politically moderate, and there is little chance of them taking the system hostage. Bahrain has a prince and a king who hold the protection of the city in their hands, and they are well respected. This could be a middle ground for the protection of the entire region.”

  The car drove through the streets of Riffa and away from the city toward the center of the island before pulling up to a long stretch of open land. Korbin and Brock got out, finding Prince Khalifa standing at the edge looking out. He turned and smiled at them, and they both bowed to him and walked up to the edge of the small stone wall protecting them.

  Khalifa stared out at the scene. “I am a member of the royal family and have been assigned to take you around and show you the site. The Dilmun Burial Mounds stretch across the center of the island, with another small patch closer to the shore. They have been quite the topic of discussion for many years now. We have been fighting with Parliament about their protection for nearly a decade. On the one hand, they say they are un-Islamic, while on the other, they are rich in history.”

  Korbin nodded. “What is beneath the mounds?”

  Khalifa turned back around, staring at the city in the distance. “Burial chambers. Some are multiple chambers, deep and well-constructed; others are single chambers. They hold people ranging from community leaders to heads of dynasties. These mounds date anywhere from 2050 BC to 1075 BC. They are very culturally important to us.”

  Brock put his hand on the low stone wall and looked out. “Wow. That’s impressive.”

  The prince chuckled. “It is. And it is even more important. There are over 350,000 graves here. 350,000 souls who either were part of tribes or were here when Dilmun, the old name for the country, began thriving economically. There are artifacts that are priceless, and bodies buried beneath the ground. Some do not consider it a desecration to build over them, but I would wholeheartedly disagree.”

  Korbin shook his head. “And because of all of the bodies, it is also a very powerful place for possible incursions.”

  The prince smiled again and turned around. “That is exactly right. There is a religious entity to this all. An incursion anywhere along here would not only put Riffa in danger but the entirety of the island. We would lose our historical location as well and thousands of years of history that eventually became Bahrain. It may be an ample place for industrialization, but some things need to be held sacred.”

  Korbin glanced at Brock as they walked. “I have to agree with you, Your Highness. Especially in times like these. I always thought that when the world was at war, I would care more about people, but I find that even though my biggest concern is for them, I want to grasp the things that have been instrumental in making the world’s inhabitants who they are. Seeing them crumble to dust is like erasing them from our paths, and the splendor of seeing them with our own eyes is diminished.”

  The prince was happy with that answer. “Korbin, you are the right man for this job, and where we are standing now is where I would like you to start the fort. It will stretch out in both directions so it can protect both sides of the island.”

  Korbin rubbed his chin. “Smart. Very smart. This an excellent place to start. We will begin formulating and drawing up our plans immediately.”

  The prince took a deep breath. “Good. Now, how about some coffee?”

  Katie and Pandora landed on the street in front of the condo. The crowd turned, looking at them funny. Katie pulled her robe tight and looked up at the broken window. “I guess we’ll have to get someone out to fix that.”

  Pandora shrugged. “Or we live in a frosty winter wonderland for the next month until the weather warms up.”

  Katie groaned. “Let’s just get through this. Then we will change, get Angie on it, and do whatever we have to do.”

  Pandora nodded. “Sounds good. Now, which one of you little bastards is going to be the target?”

  There were a few Halo guys standing near the building, dressed in white robes, looking at Katie and Pandora excitedly. One of them clenched a Bible to his chest while the others whispered to each other, keeping their hands in their robes for warmth. The one with the Bible was wearing a gold halo made of pipe cleaners and something sparkly.

  Katie marched through the rest of the crowd as they stared angrily at her. She had no time for their bullshit. “Watch out, coming through, official business.”

  One of the purple shirts scoffed. “Apparently official business for angels is done in fuzzy robes.”

  Katie whipped around, her eyes flashing bright blue. The guy put up his hands and tripped backward. “Yeah, do your thing. Just a bystander.”

  Katie shook her head and turned to the three guys in white. “Hey. There has been some crazy stuff going on, and I’m sure you saw the guy shoot at us earlier. We need to know what information you guys have on the Friends of the Devil dudes.”

  The three guys glanced at each other. The one in the halo stuttered slightly, amazed to be standing in front of her. “We…we got in a fight with them downtown once, but they ran off before the cops got there.”

  Katie twisted her lips. “Do you know who the head of the group is? What any of their names are?”

  None of the guys responded, scared to talk and in awe of talking to her. She chuckled. “I know this is a bit wild for you guys. I appreciate you coming out to support me. It’s just, this infor
mation is super important, and I promise I will protect you. I wouldn’t let anything happen to anyone, even those guys over there.”

  The halo guy blushed. “Because you’re a true angel.”

  Pandora stood at the curb with her arms crossed, looking around. She glanced at the guy standing closest to her, his mouth open. She stared at him from under lowered eyelids and then barked loudly. He jumped, curling his lip and hurrying away. She mumbled, looking down at her fingernails, “Good lord, this is like fucking pulling teeth. I could have gotten the answers to life by now.”

  Katie let out a fake laugh, obviously trying to get the guys to talk to her. Pandora slammed her hands on her legs and began pushing through the crowd. She walked up next to Katie and stared at the guys, and they all went straight-faced, now looking a bit nervous. “This right here is taking far too long. Step back, Katie. I’m doing this my way.”

  She clapped her hands hard and donned her armor, her sword appearing on her back. She looked down at her robe and pajamas underneath and shrugged. “Here’s the deal, Halos. We are working on a tight schedule here, trying to save the world and all. We don’t have time for your fangirl thing, so this is what’s going to happen. Start talking or I’ll whip the holy crap out of you.”

  Everyone stepped back except the Halo guy, who giggled at the threat. Pandora let out a slow growl and scanned the white cloaks near her. Her eyes flicked back and she shoved her arm out, pointing at one of the guys. “You! Hot stuff with the nose ring. Spill it.”

  Everyone turned and looked at him with wide eyes. He touched the piercing in his nose and sighed. The crowd in front of him split as he trudged forward and stared at Pandora. “The Halo guys just want to support the two of you. The Fuck Angels guys are who we mostly see, not the Devil guys. The Fuck Angels hang out at a gyro shop a few blocks away.”

  The one Fuck Angels guy still there took off running, his middle finger up. “Fuck you, angels.”

  Katie groaned and shook her head. “That wasn’t nice.”

  Pandora looked at the guy with the nose ring. “You said ‘gyro shop?’”

  The guy nodded. Pandora’s grimace turned into a creepy smirk. “Fuckin’ A. I love Greek food.”

  Katie slowly turned toward her. “I don’t think this is an invitation for us to go eat lunch right now, Pandora. We kind of just got shot at.”

  Pandora scoffed. “What? Any time is good for lunch. Am I right, nose-ring guy?”

  She elbowed him in the side, and he chuckled. “That’s my motto.”

  Pandora gave him a wink. “Maybe I’ll see you later, and you can show me your gyro.”

  The guy with the halo held his Bible to his chin and giggled again. Just then Juntto walked around the corner carrying bags of groceries in his arms. Pandora nodded. “’Sup, Frosty?”

  Juntto smiled. “Just going to work.”

  Juntto pushed the door open with his back and spun around, kicking it closed with his foot. Angie was in the living room directly across from the kitchen, sitting at her computer. He grunted as he set the four bags of food down on the counter, catching an apple before it could roll to the floor. He glanced at the donut boxes on the counter and, opening a lid, he took a donut and put it in his mouth before stacking the boxes and moving them to the table.

  He rubbed his hands together as he stood over the bags, looking down at everything he had bought. He started pulling out the meat, stacking it separately depending upon the animal. He went from bag to bag, taking the ingredients out and laying them in piles. There were a ton of raw vegetables, everything from potatoes and leeks to carrots and celery. “Earth vegetables are so much heartier than my dimension’s. We need these there. We wouldn’t have six mealtimes if that was the case.”

  Juntto looked up, but Angie was still heavily into her game. He continued pulling out vegetables and fruit, making a pyramid with the apples and oranges. When he was done, he neatly folded the bags and set them to the side, then stood back and looked at his bounty. He was very proud of what he had bought, but his excitement was short-lived when he realized he was alone in his celebration.

  He sighed and picked up the candy bar he’d bought in the checkout line. “Where are my warrior buddies when you need them? Who would have thought? All those battles, and Juntto is standing here all alone in front of uncooked food. I have lost my touch.”

  He stared at the broccoli for a moment and then shrugged, happily popped a piece of a Caramello into his mouth, and started talking louder to Angie. “I got lamb, salmon, beef, chicken, and venison. All different cuts. They didn’t have goat, but I remembered the rule. Don’t you worry.”

  Angie threw her head back and laughed, looking at the screen and narrating to her followers. “So am I the only one who just saw that guy straight get blown out of that snowman? What a way to go! Personally, I like them better than the bushes. I want to ride around on one of the planes in my snowman. Someone on my team come pick me up.”

  Juntto tilted his head, looking at her from the kitchen. He walked around the island and put his hands on his hips. “I’m going to be able to make a tasty dish with all this stuff. You know, so we can have a really good meal in a few hours.”

  Angie pressed the keys quickly. “Fuck. Anybody have shield? Ooh, wait, anybody carrying some slurp juice?”

  Juntto sighed and began to turn around when Angie spoke again. He smiled, hoping she was talking to him. “Thanks, GremlinUnicorn. I dropped some ammo for you.”

  Juntto’s shoulders fell, and he walked back around the counter. Angie was in the zone, and he wasn’t sure she even knew he was home. He tapped his fingers on the tabletop, staring at her for a moment before a lightbulb went off. He walked to the doorway and changed into her character, full bunny suit and all. “You know, the lamb was on sale, and I got some delicious cheese and crackers for an hors d’oeuvre ahead of time.”

  Angie shifted her body. “Build, build, build.”

  Juntto changed again, this time into the Hulk, his head hitting the ceiling. “I come to SMASH!”

  The condo shook a little, but Angie still didn’t look up. He flipped from character to character, finally landing on a copy of Angie. “Oh, hi, Juntto. I thought you would never come home.”

  Juntto changed back to himself, turning the other direction. “Are you kidding? You are my soulmate.”

  He changed again back to Angie, turning again. “Oh, Juntto, you are the light of my life. Even better than Fortnite.”

  Angie gritted her teeth and slammed her foot to the floor. “Come revive me. I’m at the bottom. I crawled underneath.”

  In Angie’s form, Juntto stood there, arms dangling in front of him. He stared at her playing the game. He sighed, walking back to the kitchen as he slowly turned back into a small Juntto form. He grabbed the bag of Cheetos and a bowl, pouring a large portion into it. Reaching into the fridge, he grabbed a Mountain Dew and poured it into a glass with a straw, just how she liked it.

  Juntto walked back through and set the bowl and glass on the computer desk next to her. She looked at it and up at Juntto with a sweet smile. “Oh, hey. I didn’t even know you had gotten back yet. You are so quiet sometimes.”

  Juntto just blinked at her and turned to walk away. She giggled happily and tossed a Cheeto into her mouth. “Thanks, babe. Did you find any meat at the store?”

  Juntto looked over his shoulder at her. “A couple of pieces.”

  She jumped. “All right, guys let’s not land at Tilted Towers. That’s where all the newbies go to die. We have tactic, bitches.”

  Juntto shook his head and chuckled as he headed back into the kitchen. He pulled the apron off the hook on the wall and tied it around his waist. Rubbing his hands together, he grabbed the meat cleaver and several other knives and piled them up on the counter. “I need to plan my attack before I start filming. They need to see the culinary genius that I am.”

  The only sounds from the apartment were Angie laughing and shouting and Juntto whistling as he raise
d the meat cleaver and started to cut up the pounds of meat he had brought home from the store.

  4

  Katie and Pandora ran up to the condo to change before going anywhere else. The response they were getting for being out of the house dressed like they were was more than a little irritating. After changing, Katie went out to survey the damage. Hanging on the wall was a note from Angie. “They are coming at four to fix. I’ll take care of it.”

  Katie smiled. “She is on it. And here I thought her new side job would take precedence.”

  Pandora said, “Pfft. Are you kidding me? Bitch gets it all done.”

  Katie chuckled as the two of them stepped out onto the balcony and took flight, then headed over to Xanthopolis Gyro and landed in front of it. The two angels stepped up to the glass front and looked through, seeing the Fuck Angels guys inside laughing and talking. Katie and Pandora turned their heads to the side as one of the guys spotted them, sitting up nervously and pointing them out to the others.

  Pandora laughed and grabbed the door’s handle, throwing it open. “If you aren’t those Fuck Angels guys right there in the corner, I’m sorry for the disturbance.”

  Of course, there wasn’t anyone in there but them; the guy behind the counter had quickly slipped into the back. Pandora walked to the table and leaned against it, staring down at two of the group. Katie strode in behind her with a smirk, seeing how terrified they were of her. As Katie walked past one of them, she flipped his hat off, stepping on it. “For big boys with guns and grenades, you sure do look like a bunch of pussies right now.”

  Pandora chuckled. “Yeah. Like your friend we chased down, broke his nose, and then dropped him off at the station downtown. You won’t be seeing him for about twenty to life. You can rest assured, he didn’t cop on you. He is a real sucker, though, because you are all ready to spill your secrets to me. I can see it in your eyes.”