Can’t Touch This

by Michael Todd

  Brock nodded, slapping his hands to his holsters. “Sounds good. We don’t want to take it easy too soon. We want to wait to celebrate when everything is secure. So, everyone drink some water and get your packs tight. The head of this incursion might be dead, but we’re not done here, people. We’re not done until every last slobbering piece of scaled shit has turned to ash and every last human who can be saved is.”

  Katie and Pandora took to the sky, heading up and to the right. Katie yawned, covering her mouth. “So, we’ll take the edges and then spiral in toward the center?”

  Pandora yawned too. “Yep. Sounds good.”

  Katie rubbed her shoulder, rotating it. “Okay, I am not going to lie. I am pretty tired from all of this. We were exposed to extreme heat and healings from our angelic powers. We killed two huge beasts; wait, three, because of the missile one.”

  Pandora snickered. “That was fucking awesome.”

  Katie laughed. “Yeah, it was, but now I feel like I’m struggling a bit.”

  Pandora took a deep breath. “I won’t lie, I’m pretty tired too. No use in both of us being that way. Someone has to keep their wits about them.”

  She folded her wings and took a hard right, diving straight into Katie. It was the best way to boost her strength and the quickest way for both of them to rejuvenate. Pandora began working her magic. I think you being tired was an understatement.

  Katie kept her eyes on the ground below, looking for any signs of demons or survivors. I’m not really used to all this angelic work. It really starts to take a toll on me. Not like the demon stuff, that’s for sure.

  Pandora scoffed. That was Pandora stuff, not demon stuff. I can still heal you, you know. We just always end up needing both of us to fight.

  Katie spotted a crowd of people walking out of one of the shelters. She swung down, softly landing in the middle of them. Immediately they surrounded her, putting their hands out and touching her. They cheered, thanking her for everything that she and the others had done for them. None of them probably would have survived if it weren’t for them.

  Katie asked them in Portuguese why they had already come out of the shelter. A small older woman walked forward. “That’s simple, my dear. We wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  Katie grinned from ear to ear, feeling every bit of love and nurturing they were sending toward her. She absorbed it like a sponge, and it lifted her spirits, brought her more strength, and all around just made her feel like her old self again.

  Pandora grumbled. Blech. I can feel all that gooey love in here. It’s like a fucking adoration hell.

  Timothy stretched his arms over his head and pulled his headset off, tossing it on the desk. He glanced back at the television, watching the replay of Katie and Pandora beheading the demon. Some lucky cameraman in a helicopter had been in the right place at the very right time.

  Sean typed on the computer, bringing up the energy sensors again. Nothing had changed. “We are finally looking good and looking stable. From the satellite images, there are very few demons left down there on the ground.”

  Timothy put up his hand and gave him a high-five. “What about the incursion detection?”

  Sean thought for a moment and then put in the information to the system. In front of them on the large screen, the map came up. “It looks like they have the portals closed. I don’t see any other incursions.”

  Timothy tossed his notes on the table and stood up, straightening his blue button-up shirt. “Dammit. Sit here for one huge incursion, and now I am wrinkle-fucking-central.”

  Sean looked at his outfit. “With that shirt, those white pants, and your loafers without socks, you look like a fucking Spanish drug lord. You just need one of those straw fedoras.”

  Timothy raised his chin. “What, bitches? This drug lord is stylish, that is for damn sure. Sometimes I think being a drug lord would be easier than this. Less stressful, too.”

  Sean chuckled. “Until Calvin comes for you and you have a serious showdown at some border.”

  Timothy gasped. “I totally forgot about that. From what I hear, it was like something out of a Tarantino film. Would have loved to have seen it. Anyway, keep an eye open, I am heading up to give Stephanie a report.”

  Sean put both thumbs up, hollering over his shoulder. “Grab me a Coke too, pretty please.”

  Timothy smiled, shaking his head as he walked out, closing the door behind him. Across the hall, a small storage closet door was cracked slightly open, but Timothy took no notice of it. As he disappeared up the stairs, the door slowly opened and Carmen stepped out. She looked around, her face straight and serious, before walking across and knocking on the door.

  She could hear Sean wheeling over to the door and rolled her eyes, changing her face to a sweet smile as he opened it. “Oh. I figured Timothy had walked out without his key card. What’s up?”

  She shrugged. “Just came to say hi. See how everything was going.”

  Sean rolled back. “Here, come in.”

  She peeked her head in and looked around. “Are you sure?”

  He waved his hands. “Yes. Come on. I’m here. I’m inviting you in.”

  He rolled up to the computers and looked at the screen. “The team just went to Rio to help out. I have to admit, I really miss being part of that action. Suiting up, getting the adrenaline pumping, and heading out to kick ass. Still, though, I have a really good and important job to do here, so I have to be thankful for all of that.”

  Carmen listened, slowly and carefully plugging a jump drive into one of Timothy’s hard drives. “Oh, yeah. Definitely. You are the hub of everything that happens. I mean, without the work you guys do, we would never have advanced warning, never have really high-tech defenses. This might not be fighting with guns, but you are still part of the battle. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  He turned his head and smiled. She stood up quickly. “Hey, can you pull up that satellite image of Italy for me? I’d love to see it.”

  Sean nodded. “Heck, yeah. Will take me a sec, so just hold on back there.”

  Carmen turned and looked at the computer, carefully putting her fingers on the keys and searching until she found what she was looking for. She hit the download and turned back around. “So, you do this all day? Just look out for everyone else, find the demons creeping up on us, and send the guns out?”

  Sean laughed. “Something like that. Normally it’s more like giving Timothy hell, watching a few cooking shows, and then do a little work, repeat.”

  Carmen faked a laugh, glancing over as the download read 100%. She carefully pulled the drive out and slipped it under her uniform into her bra. She knew she needed to get out of there. She leaned forward and kissed Sean on the cheek. “Hey, I just realized I need to report for duty. Totally forgot what time it was. I will catch up with you later, though, okay?”

  As Sean turned, she hurried out the door and down the hall. Taking two steps at a time, she slipped out the front door. The door closed and two seconds later Timothy came barreling down, taking three steps at a time. He ran as fast as he could and burst into the room. “I got an alert, what happened?”

  Sean scrunched his mouth and his forehead. “Uh, nothing?”

  A beep on his computer brought his attention to it. Timothy opened it and typed into it, pulling up the alert. “Dude, there was a breach on this computer. What happened? If you need to download something, let me know. This could be bad otherwise.”

  Sean wheeled his chair around to face Timothy. “Dude, I didn’t download a thing. I literally answered the door and then sat right where you found me.”

  Timothy tilted his head to the side. “Answered the door for who?”

  Sean looked up from his paperwork. “Huh? Oh, just Carmen. She stopped by, so I invited her in for a sec.”

  Timothy gritted his teeth. “Fucking bitch. Carmen!”

  He grabbed the phone and went on comm. “Attention! There has been a security breach in Comms. I am issuing an instant ba
se-wide shutdown. If anyone sees Private First Class Carmen Doshen, stop and detain her immediately. She could be carrying potential secret clearance information.”

  The sound of the alarms sounding from the base echoed across the desert. Carmen looked back, slapping the visor on her helmet down and speeding off on her motorcycle. On the ground, her uniform lay in a pile.

  24

  Calvin stood outside of the fence line of the base, slowly moving forward with the guys. They were looking for any tracks that they could find to show them where Carmen might have gone. The wind was blowing higher than any other day he had been out there, and any tracks that might have been present had obviously been quickly covered.

  Over the comm, Stephanie called, “Any sign of her?”

  Calvin pressed his finger to his earpiece. “That’s a negative. I’ve got a chopper circling overhead, but she moved fast. Like, from the looks of it, she was out and on her way to wherever she was going before we even sounded the alarm. I don’t know how, but…”

  One of the soldiers called out, holding up her uniform. Calvin gritted his teeth. “We just found her uniform, but there are no tracks anywhere near it. The sand is blowing much too hard for that.”

  Stephanie growled over the comm, “There is no way she could have done this on her own. She must have had help from somewhere.”

  Calvin squinted into the sun. “What kind of info did she get?”

  “Just one file from Timothy so far,” Stephanie replied. “Not exactly sure what it is in reference to, but we’re working on that as we speak. I think that even though it wasn’t intentional that we know of, we need to bring Sean in.”

  Calvin turned and looked through the fence, where Sean was sitting alone in his wheelchair watching. “I know. We’ll do that right away.”

  Baal straightened his robe and pulled the hood up over his head. He walked through the doors of the council room, the first time they had met there in a long time. As he entered, he paused, finding everyone else already there, including Lucifer. No one seemed to notice that he had walked in late, though. They were all staring above the council table, fearful looks on their face while Lucifer stood proudly looking the same direction.

  Baal furrowed his brow and looked up, finding the statue Beelzebub was having carved displayed prominently over the council table. It was just hovering there, not swaying, not turning, just proudly and hugely shining above the table. Baal put his balled fist to his mouth and stifled a laugh, making it sound like a cough.

  Lucifer looked over and put out his arm. “Ah, Baal. You are just in time. This was created in my likeness. I have to say it is the most accurate portrayal of me ever done in stone. I was thinking of putting it outside the castle, but I didn’t want the lesser demons putting their grubby little claws on it, so I hung it here where I know it will be appreciated by the people who honor me on a daily basis.”

  Baal cleared his throat, glancing at Mania, who was staring at the statue with heat in her eyes. “It’s…very lifelike, Your Evilness.”

  The rest of the demons in the Council meeting were all trying to nonchalantly look away, but the sheer size of Lucifer’s cock was so distracting they couldn’t help but stare. Even if you were sitting at the table looking across at the other demons, you would be able to see an enormous dick, swerving like a snake, staring at your soul. It was the kind of thing true nightmares were made of.

  Baal took his seat and glanced at the others, giving them friendly nods. Lucifer clapped his hands, prying his eyes away from the masterpiece. “Okay, so we are all back in the Council room. I like it. As you can see, I made some changes. I hated that circle of chairs. It made me feel like we were at some sort of AA meeting or something, so I brought in this table from Earth and had it enchanted to not burst into flames, then decorated it with my favorite piece of art.”

  Azazel smiled uncomfortably. “Where did you get such a magnificent piece?”

  Lucifer smirked. “Beelzebub had it made when he was trying to take over Rio. As you can all see, he is not at this meeting. Somewhere in his small pea-sized brain, he thought it would be both good and simple to send me to Earth and take my chair for his own. So he went in my place, and the former queen of the damned and her meatsack removed his head for him. Cowards and thieves will not be tolerated here in hell.”

  Azazel, Belial, and Asmodeus all gave each other the side eye. Asmodeus put his hand up. “I think we can all agree that Beelzebub was an ass, and he got exactly what he deserved.”

  Lucifer smiled gleefully. “That is exactly what I said about it. In fact, I’m shocked that it hadn’t happened before now. By weaseling his way onto the council, he effectively signed his own death warrant. Now, that being said, we are back down to the four of you. We know that this council is supposed to be comprised of the top eight demons in hell. Our most trustworthy confidants. We need to get back to that number, and soon. Therefore, I am assigning the task of looking for more demons to fill out the Council of Eight to Baal.”

  Baal was surprised. He stood up from his chair and bowed to Lucifer. “It would be my honor, Your Highness. I already have a few names in mind, but I will want to hear from the council as a whole to see if any of you have ideas. We can talk about it after the meeting, though.”

  Lucifer put up one long talon. “However, when you go in search of these new demons, you will only need to find three. I have already picked the fifth member to serve on this council, our ever-beloved Mania.”

  He put his arm out, pulling her into the meeting. “Asmodeus, you will be responsible for training her and getting her knowledgeable about our bylaws and rules. I’m sure she will serve well after that.”

  Asmodeus stood and bowed, taking his seat again. “That is my pleasure, sir. She will be completely in the know before you can even call another meeting.”

  Lucifer was pleased. “Excellent. I knew I could trust you to give her a warm welcome to the world of politics.”

  Belial scoffed to himself, obviously not liking that idea. He leaned over to Azazel and whispered, “She’s only getting a seat because she’s blowing Lucifer.”

  Lucifer walked behind Belial and grabbed him by the back of the neck. He picked him up and swiped his hands, letting him float up into the air next to the giant Lucifer Penis statue. “How dare you disrespect her in our presence? If you cannot stand the heat, you are no longer needed—and we know what happens to things we don’t need.”

  Belial shook, putting his hands up. “Please, forgive me. Please!”

  Lucifer lunged at him, ripping him limb from limb right there over the council table. He roared in anger, throwing the pieces of the demon body into a pile on the floor. Lucifer stepped down, taking a towel from the servant and wiping his hands off. He snapped his claws. “Servants, take the parts away.”

  His eyes shifted to each of the council members’ faces. “Anybody else have a problem?”

  They shook their heads frantically. “Nope. No problem at all.”

  Brock and the Damned soldiers moved through the streets of Rio, helping the Brazilian Army start the cleanup process. It was also a good way to comb through the city and make sure that they didn’t miss any demons or hidden survivors. On top of that, their demons made them stronger than the uninfected, so, they could lift larger heavy beams and debris without having to bring in the heavy machines right away.

  All around them were wide piles of demon ash. There hadn’t been a single demon, with the exception of Beelzebub, whose body didn’t automatically turn to dust. That was a huge help, since they were never sure what to do with the demon bodies after an attack. The lava, however, had spread everywhere and caused considerable damage in the city. The favelas were gone, though, only a single one still standing, swaying in the breeze. There was no telling what they would do with all the poor who had called them home. Rio definitely had some hard work ahead.

  Above the city, Katie flew with her wings spread wide. Pandora pulled out of her and flipped her wings, hitting
Katie in the face. She spun and shoved, trying to get the feathers out of her mouth. “Sorry about that. I just didn’t want to fall.”

  Katie rolled her eyes. “Just keep your feathers to yourself. I don’t need those all up in my teeth.”

  Pandora snickered, stretching her arms and soaring beside her. They were both looking for any signs of survivors they might have missed. They took a sharp left turn and looked up, finding themselves near the Christ the Redeemer statue. Pandora and Katie climbed until they got to the statue. They both folded their wings as they sat gingerly on the statue’s shoulders.

  Pandora took a deep breath and then screamed as Gabriel popped out of nowhere, perched on the head of Christ. He squatted, looking out at the city. “Good job here. This was an unfair fight.”

  Katie looked down at the now-healed burns on her hands. “That I have to agree with, Gabriel.”

  Gabriel let out a deep yawn and shook his head. Pandora groaned. “What is it with everyone being so damn tired?”

  Gabriel didn’t answer, springing into why he was there. “It has come to our attention up above that the amount of demonic energy in the world has reached its tipping point. We don’t know the exact calculations, but it seems to be doubling every day, and during events like this, even quadrupling.”

  Katie rubbed her face. “Even after killing Beelzebub, we are still losing this battle. It’s frustrating.”

  Gabriel patted Katie’s head. “If it becomes any worse, I am going to have to send in reinforcements. Obviously, that is not something that I want to see happen. Too many angels can be just as bad as too many demons. Our hearts are in the right place, but as a group, we tend to get a little rowdy.”

  Pandora sneered. “Oh, yeah. You guys are wild party animals. Wait, reinforcements? You haven’t sent anybody in at this point. How can you reinforce something that is not there?”

  Gabriel put his arms out, palm up, and grinned with pride. “What exactly are you two?”