by Sarah Bailey
My feelings on the matter weren’t complicated. I loved Ash. I wanted to give her anything she asked for. And when I’d come to the realisation she was the one, her wants and needs in life became mine. So if Ash wanted a family, I’d give her it even though it wasn’t something I ever expected to have in life. Then again, I never thought I’d ever meet a woman who’d step into the darkness with me. Ash had opened my eyes to a world of possibilities and they all included me and her together. So having a baby with her didn’t seem so… scary because it was with her. My home, heart and soul.
“We’re going to do this now?” Xav asked, rubbing a hand across his face.
Ash looked down at her hands, her face paling a little. The urge to go to her laced my veins. My stunning girl didn’t look at all comfortable with this line of conversation. Eric dropped his hand from her face and glanced at her with a frown.
“If you’re going to complain about it, you can go first,” Quinn replied with a wave of his hand.
“Fuck off, Quinn, you brought it up.”
“Touchy subject?”
Xav glared at him.
“I never said that.”
“Then why don’t you want to share your feelings with the group, huh?”
Ash would’ve normally broken up an argument between us, but she’d paled further and her body went rigid. Eric wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tugged her closer as if sensing her discomfort. At least someone had paid attention to her rather than picking a fucking fight over this shit.
“Why don’t you share your damn feelings?”
“Because I’m asking you.”
“What the hell do you want me to say? Huh? That this is some kind of normal thing for the five of us to talk about? Because it fucking well isn’t.”
“Why the hell are you being so cagey?”
I stood up abruptly.
“Enough you two. Can’t you see you’re upsetting her?” I waved my uninjured hand at Ash. “Arguing over who talks about this first is pointless.”
Quinn and Xav looked at Ash and Eric, eyes widening as they took in her demeanour.
“Little girl…”
“Angel…”
I sat back down, resting my splinted wrist on the counter.
Eric looked at the two of them, his eyes dark as Ash curled into him, wrapping her arm around his chest and burying her face in his shoulder.
“I’m with Rory, you two need to shut up and stop it.” He turned back to Ash. “It’s okay, beautiful. Ignore them, they’re being idiots who really don’t know how to tactfully bring up a subject which we all have differing opinions on.”
“If you don’t want kids, you can all just say so,” Ash replied raising her head from Eric’s shoulder. “I don’t like it when you start fighting and avoiding conversations when they’re hard to discuss. It’s unnecessary. We promised each other honesty, so just fucking well give it to me straight, okay?”
No one spoke. Ash was right. We could tell her that easily. Only Quinn and Xav had decided to let their stupid egos do the talking instead. I looked at the boys and realised none of them wanted to go first. Not even Eric. So I decided for once in my life I was going to talk and not keep my thoughts to myself.
“If you want a family in the future, little star, then I’ll give you that… I want it with you.”
Ash’s head whipped around to me, crystal blue eyes wide. I didn’t look at the others, not giving a shit what their reactions were to my statement right then. The only person who mattered was my girl. She slipped out from under Eric’s arm and off her chair, coming around to me. Her hands came up and rested on my shoulders as she stepped in between my legs.
“Really?” she whispered.
I wrapped my uninjured arm around her waist, pulling her closer.
“I want everything with you, Ash.”
She stared into my eyes, the hope and happiness radiating off her. Seeing her like this made my heart thump and had me wishing I wasn’t still feeling the aftermath of the fucking crash because I’d take her straight up to bed otherwise.
“Ror… I never imagined… I don’t know what to say.”
“Just tell me you love me as much as I love you and one day, when we’re ready… we’ll take that step.”
She leant towards me, her hands coming up to cup my face. When her lips were inches from mine, she smiled.
“I love you forever.”
I closed those last inches and kissed her, feeling her melt against me.
“Well, that’s a fucking turn up for the books,” Xav muttered from behind us.
I decided it would be better to ignore him and concentrate on her rather than get into another fight over this shit. I didn’t care what he had to say about it. This wasn’t simply about giving Ash what she wanted. It felt right. I wouldn’t lie and say I wasn’t fucking terrified about the prospect of being a father, but with Ash by my side and these idiots, I’d cope somehow. I’d try to be better than the fucked up parental figures I had. I’d never let any child of mine suffer.
Ash pulled away and stroked my cheek. I knew this was the right choice. Not because it made her happy, but it made me happy too. Happy to know I had something to look forward to with her.
She turned in my embrace, levelling her gaze on the others.
“I never expected my life to turn out like this… and I know none of you did either. I’m not asking anyone to change what they want out of life to make me happy. Just because I want a future that has the possibility of a family of my own, doesn’t mean I won’t accept it if you don’t.”
Eric rubbed the back of his neck before letting out a long sigh.
“I don’t know how I feel about it in all honesty. It’s not something I’ve ever considered… until now. And it’s especially complicated given we’re all together as a unit. It’s not a no, beautiful, it’s an ‘I don’t really know yet’.”
He glanced at Xav, whose eyes were downcast. I wasn’t sure if those two had ever really talked about what they wanted out of the future. None of us had other than wanting Frank Russo and his legacy gone.
“That’s okay, E… you don’t have to know now. I didn’t want to press the subject with anyone, which is why I never brought it up again after the crash.”
All eyes fell on Quinn, who blinked before folding his hands on the counter.
“I don’t know if I want kids or not. The practicalities of such a thing are far more complicated than a usual relationship, don’t you think? It’s all very well us saying we want that, but have you stopped to think about how it would work. Do we take turns in giving you a child? Do we raise them with four fathers like we’re one big happy family?” He shifted in his seat. “We can’t act like we’re in a normal relationship because we’re not. It’s not as simple as let’s have a family when doing so affects not just two of us, but all five of us.”
Quinn had a valid point. It wasn’t simple, but for Ash, I’d do anything to make it work. Having spent so long trying to hide from what we were, I couldn’t do it any longer. We had to face up to the challenges thrown at us and this would be just another one of those.
Ash leant back against me as if she needed my strength to hold her up.
“I don’t know, Quinn. It’s not as if I’ve considered the logistics… we’ve only been together for a few months and I’m only twenty-one. It’s not like I want it right now or any time soon. This isn’t me asking any of you to give me a family, it’s simply me telling you how I feel. That’s it. There’s no pressure. We can revisit this at a later date when you’ve all had more time to think about it.”
Quinn was about to open his mouth to respond when Xav got up, shoving his stool back and scowling at all of us.
“Fuck this,” he muttered and stormed out of the room, leaving us all staring after him.
Quinn shifted and sat back, rubbing his chest.
“What the fuck is his problem?”
“I should
go see him,” Eric said.
“No… leave this to me,” Ash told them, pulling away from me after squeezing my arm. “I have some idea of what might be bothering him. He wears his pain on his sleeve even if none of you notice it.”
And with that, she walked out of the room. Eric glanced between us before his eyes landed solely on Quinn.
“I think what Julian said to him yesterday has got to him.”
“He should’ve just let me kill him. That psycho deserves nothing less.”
Eric shook his head.
“You know that’s not what Xav wants… Julian has to pay for his crimes.”
“Well, he’s fucked himself over further. They’re not going to let him out now and he's lost his leverage over Xav. There’s no fucking way he’ll be there for Julian’s cancer treatment now.”
Eric nodded and picked up his mug. Xav might have felt obligated before, but after what happened yesterday, which Quinn had explained to me, his obligation would be null and void.
“Let’s hope our girl can calm him down.”
“Oh, I’m in no doubt of that. She handles grumpy over there just fine. Unlike him, Xav’s bark is far worse than his bite.”
“Fuck off, Quinn,” I muttered.
“See? Grumpy.”
I stuck my finger up at him. Eric chuckled and leant toward Quinn.
“I think he’s upset he can’t indulge in his wolfish tendencies and pounce on Ash.”
I glared at him even though he wasn’t wrong. Every time Ash’s skin was on show, I wanted to claim her all over again. Mark her to show she was mine. My inner beast was very unsettled with the current circumstances I’d found myself in.
“Careful, E, he’s getting that feral look again.”
“Oh, I’m so scared. One-armed Rory coming after me is terrifying.”
“You two are cunts,” I grunted.
“You love us really.” Quinn grinned and winked.
“You fucking wish.”
Quinn turned to Eric.
“You know, all this protesting he does makes me think he wants to show us love but doesn’t know how.”
“I think you’re right… maybe he should take some tips from Ash.”
I got up, irritated the two of them were giving me shit, and stalked from the room.
“We love you too, Rory!” called Quinn as I disappeared.
For fuck’s sake!
I ducked my head back inside the kitchen door.
“If you two are so fucking insistent on hearing it, fine… I do love you, but don’t fucking well ask me to repeat it again.”
I left them staring at me with wide eyes, a smile gracing my lips as I walked towards my conservatory. They’d forgotten I could play them at their own fucking game.
Serves them fucking right.
Chapter 16
I paced the room, running my hands through my hair as emotion after emotion swirled inside, tearing up the pieces of my heart. The conversation had set me off and I had no idea how to express how I felt about it. About having a family with her. With them. I had too many thoughts running through my mind, especially after yesterday. There was only so much I could cope with at one time.
I stopped in front of the print of me we’d put up on the walls of her room. Not wanting the reminders of my life in my own room and knowing on some level she’d follow me, I’d come in here to work through my feelings.
The man in front of me had a bright and cheeky smile, like he’d just told a stupid joke. He looked far more alive than I felt right then. He hid behind his humour and avoided talking about anything real. Tangible. Solid. Falling in love had altered him on a fundamental level.
I was still that man, but I’d changed. I’d learnt a lot of things since Ash had come in our lives. Things about myself. Things about the others. I had to really look at what I wanted out of life. I’d never taken anything seriously until her. Never wanted to delve beneath the surface and see the man behind the wall I’d put up. See the reality of myself. And that was someone broken by what had happened to him as a teenager. Ruined by the man he’d put behind bars. I didn’t like that version of myself, so I’d buried him. Now he’d surfaced and I couldn’t deny him any longer.
Because he, ultimately, was me.
“Tesoro.”
I felt her voice surrounding me. Her warmth. Her light.
My angel.
Every part of me felt the urge to go to her, but I got stuck staring up at myself instead. I couldn’t look away. She came to me, wrapped her arms around my stomach and pressed her face into my back. My girl was so small against me, but her presence gave me strength. She gave me courage.
“Do you want to talk or do you want me to take your pain away?”
Such a simple question from her, as if she knew exactly what I needed.
“I feel broken,” I whispered.
Her hold on me tightened.
“I know, tesoro. It hurts… the reminders.”
How did she even know that? How could she sense this was about Julian and not our future together?
She knows you. She understands you. She sees you.
“Going back there forced me to live that day all over again. It forced me to see myself and I don’t like it, angel. I hate every part of it.”
“After Julian was sent away, did you ever feel like you really got closure for your mum and Katie’s deaths?”
I stiffened, the realisation flooding through me at an alarming pace.
“No.”
Not even after we’d had them cremated did I feel any sense of closing that chapter of my life. The wide gaping hole their deaths had left never disappeared. I’d never let it go. The hatred I felt towards Julian and the pain I felt at him ending their lives.
“I can’t forgive him for it.”
She stroked my stomach.
“No one is asking you to. It’s not a question of forgiveness, Xav, it’s a question of letting go of the past.” She reached up and placed her hand on my heart. “They’ll always live on here, but maybe it’s time you let yourself grieve their loss so you can put them to rest.”
When the hell did she get so smart about this stuff? For someone so young, she had seen so much death and violence in her life. It’d changed her on a fundamental level, allowing her to see the good in people even when they did terrible things.
I turned in her arms and stared down at her. Her eyes were full of compassion and it nearly killed me. The way she cared and understood. I couldn’t replace that in my life.
“Come with me.”
She dropped her arms from around me and I slid my fingers into her hand, tugging her from the room. We went downstairs and into Rory’s conservatory. He was sitting in his usual seat, his eyes following us as I took Ash to the patio doors at the end. I didn’t feel like telling him why we were going out into the garden. Opening the door, I pulled Ash out and shut it behind me.
We had someone tend to it every few weeks. I’m sure Ash never noticed our gardener coming and going as he always slipped in through the back gate. He also maintained Rory’s plants in the conservatory. We paid him to be discreet.
Ash looked around, her eyes falling on everything. The wildflowers which dominated the space like a wild, untouched meadow in the countryside. Beyond that was a lawn with a small shed at the end. Flower beds bordered the grass on each side. We stood on the deck we’d had erected containing a seating area with a heat lamp for the winters. We hadn’t used it much over the past year, but sometimes we’d come out here in the evenings, just the four of us, and drink the night away.
I took Ash through the cleared path at the side of the wild meadow and out onto the lawn. I directed her over to one of the flower beds which contained a plaque with a dedication to Mum and Katie on it. This is where we’d scattered their ashes and from them, the pink roses had grown. Those were Katie’s favourites and I couldn’t think of a better place to have them. Whilst I didn’t co
me out here much, I knew they were here and it gave me a sense of peace.
Ash was right. I’d never had a sense of closure. Never really grieved them in the way most people did. I’d been too wrapped up in my pain over Julian and the sense of betrayal I felt when he’d murdered the two people I’d loved more than life itself.
I crouched down and ran my hand over the plaque.
Erin and Katie Scott
Two sparks of light in the darkness.
You remind me every day to always fill my life with laughter.
I’ll cherish you forever.
Love Xavier
I wasn’t exactly poetic or shit like that. It just seemed right. Mum had always told me a life without laughter was no life at all. She never failed to make me smile.
“I kept their ashes in two urns after the funeral for the longest time. It was only when we moved here and had this spot created in the garden I decided to scatter them. This way I’ll always have them close, you know… it just felt right.”
Ash crouched down next to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder as she read the plaque.
“I wish I’d let myself feel their loss all those years ago,” I continued. “Instead I fell into a pit of depression which only Eric finally managed to pull me out of… then I filled the void with endless men and women. None of them made me feel. Not like you do.”
She looked over at me, her eyes filling with tears.
“You made me realise what love really means, angel. What it means to care for someone so deeply and want to give them the whole fucking world.”
“Xav…” she whispered, reaching up with her free hand and cupping my face.
“Mum and Katie would’ve liked you… a lot. They’d have seen what I do. A ray of sunshine in a world filled with horrors, violence, manipulation and death. You’re the world to me, Ash. You’re the whole fucking world. I love you and I’m so grateful you’re in my life. Every single day I remind myself how lucky I am to have met you. To know you. To love you.”