by Gina Azzi
Looking toward the heavens, I ask the universe the question that is turning into my life’s slogan: why?
Then I dash down the hallway to Carter and Taylor’s room, relieved I don’t bump into any wedding guests along the way.
The silver lining.
I’m relieved when all wedding festivities come to a close. I have successfully fulfilled my MOH duties. My best friend is happier than I’ve ever seen her, and I don’t even recognize the genuine fulfillment oozing from my brother’s uncharacteristic smile. For them at least, life is grand.
I kiss them both goodbye and wish them a wonderful mini moon at Lake Oconee. Since Sierra is pregnant, Denver was hesitant to travel anywhere far, so for now, they are heading up to a beautiful, secluded area of the lake to rest and relax for a few days.
“Thank you for everything.” Sierra hugs me tightly, pulling back to study me. “You okay?” she asks, her eyes narrowing as they take in my face. I’m sure I look pale and blotchy and a mess, but I fake a smile.
“Yes. Just tired. And hungover. The Anderson-Begay family teaming up with the Kanes makes for way too many shots,” I joke convincingly, as the doubt clears from Sierra’s face. She pulls me in for another hug.
After saying my final goodbyes, I duck out of The Mackey House and jog over to Carter’s SUV, grateful when Taylor, perceptive as always, assured me that they would find another ride home, and she’d cover for me with my brothers.
I drive back to my family home slowly. I know it’s only a matter of hours before Evie and Jax show up, but for now I’m alone in these precious minutes of complete solitude. And I can let the tears come.
They fall for a very, very long time.
23
Finn
Changing my flight, I head back to Edinburgh a day earlier than planned. The plane ride back passes in a blur. Partly because I’m too exhausted—mentally and physically—to bother checking the passing hours, and partly because I resume drinking once on board. Thank God for business class. When I finally reach my limit, I close my eyes and let sleep wash over me, grateful for the numbing reprieve it offers when the alcohol fails. No matter how hard I try to forget the anguish in Daisy’s eyes, the quiver of her upper lip as she cried, it plays like a loop. No amount of Scotch will erase her image, which is permanently branded into my mind.
And it does nothing to dull the anger coursing through my veins, the betrayal I feel at her manipulating me. Like I’m just some dumb man who she was going to con into falling for her. Is that what she’s reduced me to? An easy mark?
I make it to my apartment in the wee hours of morning, the bitter cold waking me up, and washing over me like a harsh reality.
Daisy and I hooked up this weekend and it felt different.
It felt like more.
And then I crushed her. Stomped on her beautiful heart and ruined whatever ideas of a future she was concocting in her lovely head.
And she broke a part of me that I didn’t realize was whole again.
So really, we sabotaged each other.
How’s that for moving forward in a relationship?
But I ended things for the right reasons. Deep down, I know I did. It just doesn’t feel that way when I enter the cold and quiet dimness of my apartment, shadows cast on the walls from the shifting morning light. Today, it just seems rash. And lonely.
But Daisy, Daisy started things for the wrong reasons. And that hurts, much more than I want to admit.
How did everything go so sideways? How did Daisy and I create such a mess of something so beautiful?
I laugh harshly. “I don’t know, mate, you and Cassie managed it pretty well, too.” I say aloud to myself.
Shaking my head at the fact that I’m speaking to myself in my empty apartment, I force myself to shower and sleep.
Hours later, I check my email and read a note from Aaron asking if Olivia can spend tomorrow night at my place, so he and Kate can hash it out without her curious ears picking up all the nasty things I’m sure they’ll hurl at each other.
“Absolutely,” I type back immediately.
I could use the distraction.
The only good thing about Monday is spending it with Liv. Since I was planning to just return from the States, I took the day off and my brother knew that. Of course, I agreed to watch my niece, who was too jet lagged for school, and we spent the day singing karaoke in my apartment, eating blueberry scones, and napping.
Truth be told, it was the best way to spend a day playing hooky from work.
“Uncle Finn?” her small voice calls out from inside the fort we built with my couch cushions, kitchen chairs, and blankets.
“I’m here, Liv.” I poke my head inside the flap opening to see her cuddled up inside, a flashlight turned on, and a My Little Pony book in her hand. “You reading?”
“I think I’m done.”
“Are you tired?”
“A little. Do you think I’ll sleep here again tomorrow night?”
“Why? You want to move in and stay forever, so we can eat cake for breakfast every day?”
She giggles, but then her face grows serious, and she shakes her head. “I need to make sure I feed Dorothy. Mummy and Daddy always forget.”
“Your goldfish?”
She nods, her eyes solemn, and I smile at the severe expression on her face. “I can message your dad and remind him.”
“And to tuck in Snowflake and Spring.”
“Who are they?”
She rolls her eyes like I’m daft. “My bear and bunny.”
“Oh, okay. Yes, them too.”
“Do you think I’ll have two houses like Amber from school?”
“Two houses?”
She nods again, worrying her lower lip between her teeth. “Her mummy and daddy don’t live together anymore, so now she has two houses, and she has to bring all of her animals and pets back and forth between them every single week. And her mummy and daddy get angry if she forgets something at the other house.”
Her crestfallen expression, and the obvious anguish she feels at such an arrangement, squeezes my heart, causing my chest to ache for this sweet girl. An irrational bubble of anger toward Kate—and Aaron—swells in my stomach. They’re putting Olivia through this type of turmoil at such a young age. She’s the sweetest girl in the world, and if my brother and Kate really do split up, it’s going to shatter some of the innocence she’s cloaked in. “I don’t know, little love. I’m sure having two houses would be really confusing at first, but once you get used to it, it could be kind of fun.”
She gives me a look, her eyebrows rising, totally calling me out on my bullshit.
“Maybe you could have two Dorothy’s.” I try to infuse excitement in my voice, but of course, my niece is too smart to buy it.
“I don’t want two Dorothy’s! I want one Dorothy, one house, and one mummy and daddy.” Her voice drops at the end as moisture collects on her cheeks, slaying me.
“Oh Liv. You’ll always have one mummy and daddy. That won’t ever change.” I crawl into the fort and lay down next to her. Looking up into her bright blue eyes, the same shade as Aaron’s, as mine, I wish I could make all the hurt she’s carrying vanish.
“Amber’s getting a new mummy and daddy,” she whispers quietly, and I cringe, knowing that if Aaron and Kate split, their chances of remarrying are quite high.
“Well, it’s different for everyone. But your mummy and daddy love you so, so much. They’ll always make you their number one priority and make sure that you’re happy and comfortable with whatever happens in the future.” I squeeze her hand in mine, but she still looks unsure.
“Maybe,” she murmurs eventually, her voice filled with a disappointed wisdom that six-years-olds shouldn’t understand at such a tender age.
“Come here, Livvy.” I pull her into my side and snuggle her until her eyes flutter closed and her breathing evens out.
Once she’s asleep, I spend a few moments watching her, noting the peaceful expression on
her face, hating that she’s being hurt by her parents’ inability to get it together.
Hating myself for hurting another sweet, innocent girl by my inability to get it together.
I sense her the moment she enters the office on Tuesday morning. The soft clap of her heels sound against the floor and I swear I smell the flowers in her perfume. I glance down at my laptop, looking up every few seconds in hopes that I’ll catch sight of her when she walks past the glass wall of my office.
But the moment I see her, I wish I didn’t.
Because she looks breathtakingly beautiful. And different. And suddenly removed from me, detached in a way I never felt before.
It’s only been forty-eight hours, but the distance between us may as well be an impassable chasm. She doesn’t hesitate or glance into my office but breezes right by, stopping just next door to pop her head around Aaron’s door.
I hear her laugh, catch a glimpse of her hair, which is lighter than it was two days ago, and then she’s gone, disappearing into my brother’s office to discuss her McKinnon pitch while I sit here and pine over her, wondering what our new normal will look like.
After having the last forty-eight hours to turn our conversation over in my head, on repeat, I question myself. I question if I felt betrayed by Daisy because of my own past, or because it lessened my guilt for ending things between us. Are my feelings even justified? Or am I trying to assuage the responsibility I feel for hurting her?
Taking a deep breath, I force myself to scan the documents open on my laptop. After reading the same sentence three times, I drop my head into my hands, digging my fingers into my scalp. My mind is too preoccupied, thoughts tripping over each other as they fight their way to the forefront of my brain, squeezing out anything work-related.
“Hey.” Lachlan knocks twice on the doorframe, even though he’s already stepped into my office. “You still hungover?” he jokes, taking a seat in front of my desk.
“Yeah,” I lie, rubbing my hand over my face. “You?”
“Nah, man. I’m still young enough to bounce back.”
I flip him the bird. “How was Sierra and Den’s send off?”
“Good. It’s a small getaway, just for a couple of days. Denver’s too worried to take Sisi anywhere with the baby coming soon.”
“Makes sense.”
“She’s happy, though. Really happy. I’ve never seen her like this.”
I force a smile. Of course, I’m elated that my cousin found the love of her life, and the two of them are creating a future and building a family together. But given the current circumstances, it’s hard not to feel like everyone is happier than I am. God, I suck.
“Anyway, I’m going to hit the pub with Callum after work to grab a pint. We’re heading back to London tomorrow. You want to come for a beer?”
“Sure,” I agree.
“Okay. Hit me up when you’re all wrapped up for the day.”
“Will do.”
Lachlan leaves, and I hear him greet Daisy loudly, too loudly, in the hallway. Her laugh rings out again and I cringe. Standing up, I decide I need caffeine. A coffee will help clear my head and prioritize the work on my desk from four days away.
And if I happen to see Daisy, so be it.
I can’t ignore her forever.
It’d be impossible anyway.
24
Daisy
“Hey, thanks for keeping Livvy last night. She had a great time sleeping in a fort with you,” Aaron says to Finn as he steps out of his office.
Aaron, Lachlan, and I are chatting in the hallway, rehashing some of the best moments of Denver and Sierra’s wedding. Even though everyone is tired today, recovering from jetlag, late nights, and hangovers, energy is running high.
I blanch at the sight of Finn and turn away, asking Lachlan if Jenni and James had a good flight back to Edinburgh. Finn’s gaze bores into my back like he possesses x-ray vision and can see through me, peel back the casual façade I’m hiding behind to examine my hurt first-hand.
Lachlan’s eyes scan my face, and I know he feels the tension between Finn and me. It’s hard to miss. But in true Lachlan fashion, he smooths it over, linking our arms together and leading me toward the kitchen area while recounting a funny story about his mom and Sierra’s veil.
“You doing okay?” he asks gently when we’re tucked into the kitchen nook, out of earshot of Aaron and Finn.
I look down at my hands, twisting a simple gold band around my index finger. I nod, looking up to meet Lachlan’s worried expression. “I’m getting there. It wasn’t the outcome I expected. But now, I just really need to move on,” I admit, feeling stronger every time I say the words out loud. I am moving forward. I am moving on.
Okay, not really. But don’t call me out on it yet. I’m not ready to admit to myself that I can’t live fearlessly when my emotions are so out of control.
“Does that explain the hair?” he jokes, tugging on the ends of my now blonde tresses.
“Totally.” I attempt a smile. “I tried to keep everything from Sierra but—”
“She’s a rattlesnake, that one. I bet she called you out in five seconds flat.”
“She really did. I thought I got past her, figured she was so caught up in her wedding bliss that—”
“She’d never overlook you, Dais. Regardless of what’s happening in her life.”
“Yeah. She let me think I was off the hook because there were so many people around, but the moment we were alone, she cornered me.”
“And told you to dye your hair?”
“Pretty much. She told me I need to move forward, which I do. And that the first step in doing that is a new look. Then, she informed me that I had an appointment with the stylist who did her hair for the wedding, some guru Taylor knows in Savannah. Taylor took me the following morning.”
Lach chuckles. “That’s such a Sisi piece of advice.”
“I know.”
“It looks good, though. Suits you.”
“Thanks.” I shrug, still growing accustomed to my new look.
“Here.” He hands me the Nespresso he just made. “I know he’s my cousin, but you’re too good for him, anyway.” I can’t tell if he’s serious or joking. “But if you need anything, at all, anytime, you can call me, yeah?”
“Thanks Lach.”
“All right then. I need to get on a few calls with London. I’m flying back tomorrow. Take care of yourself, Dais.” Lachlan picks up his own coffee mug and shoots me one last charming grin.
“You too,” I say, squaring my shoulders.
Just as I’m about to leave the kitchen and head toward my desk, Finn steps through the door. Immediately, the air shifts, the space suddenly shrinking. Even though Finn is at least six feet away, I feel like he’s shadowing me, his skin mere inches from mine. Briefly, my eyes flutter closed as I inhale, holding the air in my lungs for several seconds.
“Daisy.” His voice is quiet but strong, like steel. There’s an edge to it, an undercurrent that zips up my spine like electricity and automatically pulls my attention to him.
“Hi Finn,” I manage to say, grateful when my voice doesn’t waver.
Once he fully enters the kitchen, I move to step around him. “Wait.” He throws out his hand, stopping me before I can escape.
I look up impatiently. My heart softens the teeny, tiniest bit at the purple half-moons stamped underneath his bright blue eyes, at the stress lines pinched between his brow. But then I remember how devastated I felt over the weekend and my resolve strengthens. “Yes?”
“I, um, why’d you change your hair?” he asks softly, rubbing the ends between his fingers.
I flinch at the contact, and he drops his hand, a look of shock rippling across his face until he schools it into dismay.
“Because I felt like it. Anything else?” I snap.
He bites his lower lip and swallows nervously before shaking his head.
“Then enjoy your day,” I exit the kitchen hastily and beeline back
to my cubicle.
Once I’m there, I place my mug of coffee next to my keyboard, plug in my headphones, start an upbeat playlist on Spotify, and get to work.
I lose myself so completely in the tasks I’m working on, I end up skipping lunch and feel dazed when I realize it’s already 3PM. Smiling at the progress I made today without all the stupid distractions Finn usually provides, I’m satisfied with my performance. It feels good to be satisfied with one aspect of my life.
“Hey Dais. A few of us are going to grab a pint at the pub after work. You in?” Cameron asks me, plopping into an empty chair and wheeling it into my cubicle as I shut down my laptop for the day.
“Sure.” I agree, relieved to have plans, so I don’t have to go home and be alone. Or worse, trek to the gym. Since Cameron and Melanie, and by extension I guess Dennis and Chloe, knew about me and Finn, they easily accepted why I missed so many of the outings they planned over the past few weeks. I’m grateful they’re pulling me back into the fold so quickly.
“Sorry things with Finn didn’t work out.” Cameron says softly.
I look up at him, a question in my eyes but I don’t voice any words.
He points to my blond hair and I snort, cracking a smile. Cameron grins back but his eyes are sympathetic.
“How’s your pitch coming for the McKinnon account?” He changes the topic.
“It’s okay. I got a lot done today. I’m really focusing on the lifestyle aspect so it’s a good enough reason to spend time on Pinterest. You?”
Cam blows out a deep breath, his eyes taking on a bewildered sheen. “Behind. The tagline is killing me. It’s so hard to be relevant, witty, and informative in like ten words.”
“Tell me about it. I haven’t even attempted a tagline yet.”
“I hear Melanie’s already working on her presentation.”
“Seriously? Damn, I’m nowhere near that.”