by Nicola Jane
I take a seat on the wall and light a cigarette. My mobile buzzes and I answer to Riggs asking, “How’s it going?”
“Like a fucking dream,” I mutter.
“That good, eh?”
“I might be back by this evening,” I say, blowing out a plume of smoke.
“Shit, brother. Sorry. I know you wanted to get along with this woman.”
“Yeah,” I mutter. “You ever think you’re fighting for something and it’s one-sided?”
“All the damn time.”
“That’s where I’m at.”
“You can see it two ways, brother. You and Tillie are constantly being pushed together, there’s no denying the chemistry, but is it just that? If all the other shit gets in the way and keeps tearing you back apart, is that a sign?”
I stare straight ahead. The back and forth between Tillie and I is tiring and I’m exhausted fighting to convince her she should give us a shot, and for what? So her and her mum can look down their noses waiting for me to prove I’m worthy? “What did you want anyway, cos you sure as shit didn’t call to ask me about my love life.”
Riggs laughs. “I got something back from Blu about Cobra and Acid. Cobra was in a shit load of debt, way more than we first thought. He owed big, man. We’re talking half a mill at least.”
“Fuck,” I mutter.
“Exactly. Now, that debt has passed to Acid. Blu reckons Acid will sell Tillie out. If he gives her name to the guys who Cobra owed, they’ll come for her, taking the heat off Acid.”
I throw my cigarette and crush it under my boot. “Maybe she’ll be better off here?” I ask.
“Maybe, brother. Blu’s still digging the dirt, but we gotta keep a close eye on Tillie until we figure out what to do. The good news is, her mum changed her name years ago, and police records were wiped. No one from her old life knows where she is. Scotland’s a safe bet for now.”
Tillie steps out, her mum behind her. They kiss and hug and Tillie walks towards me. “I gotta go,” I say to Riggs, disconnecting the call.
“See you for dinner tomorrow,” Helen shouts to Tillie, a big smile on her face. Tillie nods and waves, then takes the spare bike helmet from me.
TILLIE
I know Blade’s pissed at me. He’s hardly spoken two words to me since we left Mum’s about two hours ago. We checked into our room at the hotel and he threw his bag on the bed, then sat out on the balcony, despite the cold temperatures.
I stare down at the outfit I chose for dinner. It’s a short, red dress with a flared skirt. I love it and it fits perfectly with the hotel restaurant I booked for dinner. I’m hoping it has the wow effect on Blade, enough to snap him out this mood.
I check my make-up one last time in the mirror, then step out onto the balcony. Blade stares down at his mobile phone. “Ready?” I ask.
“For what?” he asks, not bothering to look up.
“Dinner,” I remind him.
“I’m not hungry,” he says. “I got some calls to make.” He presses his mobile to his ear and stares out at the beautiful Scottish landscape. “Lake,” he says into the receiver. “How are you, brother?”
I narrow my eyes as he gets into a conversation with Lake. “Fuck this shit,” I mumble, going back inside. I march straight out the room and head for the lift. A girl still needs to eat, right?
The waiter greets me, his eyes darting behind me to look for my missing partner. “It’s just me,” I mutter. He nods stiffly and leads me to the table. The place is packed out and I feel like everyone is watching me as I walk through alone. I jut out my chin—I can do this.
I lower into the seat the waiter pulls out for me and take the menu from him. I’m glancing over it when Blade’s shadow falls over me and I silently cheer. “Can I get a whiskey? Make it a double,” Blade says to a passing waitress. She practically gushes with happiness as she skips off to get him a drink. “We couldn’t order room service?” he asks, sitting opposite me. I continue to stare at my menu, and he sighs heavily. “Why are you looking at the menu? You’ll order the salmon.” I try not to smile at how he knows me so well.
“I thought you had calls to make.”
“I thought we weren’t together, taking shit slow, so you wouldn’t care about dinner.”
I place the menu on the table. “That’s what all this was about? My mum is a hard woman to win over. Not because she doesn’t want me to be happy but because you’re a biker. I told you she’d have a hard time accepting you, but you insisted on this trip.”
“I just wanted to meet your family. I want to know everything about you.”
“And I want to know everything about you, yet I’m not pinning you down demanding to know about your past.”
He sighs, clearly not wanting to get into this with me. “What she said made sense, about you moving here.” He’s changing the subject. I frown, because that’s the last thing I thought he’d say.
“Miles from London, from you?”
He nods. “You’d be safer here than London.”
“Something happened,” I say. “You know something.”
“Nothing happened. I’ve been thinking it over and it makes sense. She clearly misses you, and you stayed in London because of the shop, which is gone now. What your mum is offering, the life you could have here, is so much better than London.”
I think over his words. Maybe he’s looking for a way out. Maybe Eva and the girls were wrong and he’s not looking for anything serious. I nod my head and then go back to looking at the menu. I can’t talk about this with him right now without crying.
The waiter comes back over and places a bottle of water in front of me. “Are you ready to order?”
“I’ll have the salmon,” I say, and Blade smirks.
“I’m all good,” says Blade when the waiter turns to him.
Blade watches me take a drink of the water. “Not wine?” he queries. I shake my head, knowing his mind is back onto the pregnancy test. “You ready to tell me about that test?” I shake my head again. “You make it hard for me to trust you.”
“I’m not trying to be difficult. You have no reason not to trust me. You know I didn’t tell Ethan anything, and you know deep down I’m not pregnant,” I say. “And I’m trying to meet you half-way. You asked to meet my mum and here we are. I’m letting you into my life.”
“Just tell me who the test belonged to. I mean, it’s pretty obvious when you came out of her room, but I want you to tell me.”
“You have no idea who was in that room with me. Just because it was Sara’s room, does not mean others weren’t there.”
“Why aren’t you drinking wine?”
“Christ, Blade, why does everything end in drama with us? I wanted a bottle of water. I’m not fucking pregnant. You don’t have to panic, I haven’t trapped you!” I snap.
He laughs bitterly. “You really think that's what’s worrying me? That I’m scared of committing to you for the rest of my life?” He shakes his head, standing. “Fuck, I thought you knew me better than that.” He throws some cash on the table and walks out of the restaurant. I stare after him, wondering why we always come back to this point. It’s like the universe is playing a cruel game, pushing us together and ripping us apart.
BLADE
I walk for ten minutes, then feel bad that I’ve left her alone, but when I return to the restaurant, she’s no longer there. I go up to the room and she isn’t there either. Fuck, I keep messing up. I’m sitting out on the balcony when she returns. She heads straight for the bathroom. “Where did you go?” I shout through to her.
“To prove to you that I’m not lying.”
“Sunshine,” I sigh her name. “I didn’t say you were lying to me. I just hate you keeping secrets.” I go back through the room and find the bathroom door open. She’s on the toilet, and I lean against the door frame. “I didn’t expect to feel like this,” I mutter. “I think I know what’s for the best and then shit changes—”
“Save it,” she snaps and h
er harsh tone takes me by surprise. She slams a plastic stick on the sink unit, pulls up her panties, and storms out of the bathroom. I fold my arms over my chest and stare at the pregnancy test.
It’s a few minutes before I join her on the balcony. She’s standing with her back to me, staring out at the mountains. She looks perfect in the red dress and I realise I didn’t tell her that when I first saw her tonight. I go behind her, caging her in by placing my arms either side of her and gripping onto the metal railing. I bury my face into her neck, inhaling the scent of her hair. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, and I feel her relax into me slightly. “It wasn’t a trust issue. I just thought maybe if you’d gotten pregnant by Ethan, you were scared to tell me in case it ended us.”
“I didn’t have sex with Ethan,” she maintains.
“It wouldn’t have ended us,” I continue. “I would have stepped up and raised that baby like my own, cos you are my queen and I’d do whatever it takes to keep you.”
“Even send me packing to Scotland?” she asks.
“I want to keep you safe. For the first time in a long time, I’m scared. If I lost you, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“I’m not in any danger,” she whispers. “You’ll keep me safe.”
I press gentle kisses along her jawline and she closes her eyes. “I’ll definitely try,” I agree. I lift her short skirt and glance at the black lace panties. “Are these expensive?” I ask. Not waiting for an answer, I tug on the lace and they snap away from her easily. I smirk and stuff them in my pocket. “Too late.”
“There’re people down there,” she says, trying to back away from the balcony.
“They’re too busy going about their business to notice us,” I say, running my hand over her arse. I unbuckle my belt, pushing my jeans down my thighs, and free my erection.
“Blade, I don’t think—” she begins, gasping as I push my cock into her. She braces herself against the railings and hangs her head, catching her breath.
“See, no one’s looking.” I move her hair away from her neck and nip lightly at the skin there. I pull her closer to me so she’s bending over, gripping the railings, and then I gently kick her legs further apart. “Hold on, Sunshine, it’s gonna be fast and hard,” I warn her. I grip her hips and slam into her. She cries out and I give her a second to recover before repeating the move again. “It’d be selfish of me to keep you in London when I know you’d be safer here.”
“I’m not being here without you,” she whispers.
“You’re staying in Scotland,” I say firmly. It’s not a decision I’ve made lightly, but it’s one for the best. “I’ve already set the wheels in motion.”
I feel her body begin to shake as her pussy grips my cock tight. I wait for her orgasm to subside before I pull out and finish myself off, coming over her ass. I grab a towel off the nearby chair and wipe her clean before lowering her dress. “What does that mean?” she asks.
“I called your nan. She’s happy to move here if it’s where you want to be.”
“But I don’t want to be here. I want to stay in London.”
“That’s not up for discussion anymore,” I mutter, heading back inside to the bedroom as she follows me.
“It’s not your decision. You think that because I’m weak for you, because I give in to sex, you’re suddenly the boss of me?”
“You want to stay alive?” I yell suddenly, and her step falters. “Then you’ll stay here!”
“What about us?” she asks.
“I’ll call every night and come up to visit when I can,” I say quietly, knowing already how difficult it’ll be. Club commitments will make it damn near impossible to travel up to Scotland more than a couple times a year. It only makes me more determined to settle this shit back in London so I can have her by my side.
“You can’t make me stay here. I love living in London. We’re just getting to know each other and you haven’t even told me anything about your life. There’s still so much to learn about each other.” She’s clutching at straws, and I feel my anger building.
“There’s nothing to know about me.”
“I want to know it all,” she cries. “I want to know about your mum and your childhood and what you looked like as a kid.” She smiles even though her eyes are watering.
“I told you, there’s fuck all to tell,” I snap. “I was a scrawny kid, all skin and bones. I hated school because I didn’t fit in. My mum was an evil, sadistic bitch,” I yell, pulling my shirt over my head and throwing it onto the floor. I kick off my boots. “Not everyone had a great childhood, Matilda. We don’t all want to share stories.”
“I didn’t mean . . .” she tries to explain.
“The last time I saw my mum, she told me she wished I was dead. She thought I made her shitty life worse, and the only time she ever touched me was to cause me pain. She’d slap me, kick me, bite me, even scratch me. She hated me.” I continue, pushing my jeans off, “So, where should I start? Which sick story would you like to hear first?” I growl. Tillie stands on the opposite side of the room, staring at me with tears running down her cheeks. She’s heard enough, but I can’t stop the ugly words flowing from my mouth. “Maybe the one where I was sleeping and she stubbed out her cigarette on me,” I snap, pointing to a faint scar on my chest. “Or when she dug her long, dirty nails into my neck, the wound got infected,” I add, pointing to the scars there.
“Stop,” mumbles Tillie.
“I’m just getting started.” I smirk. “Get into bed and I’ll tell you everything. A creepy bedtime story.” I throw back the covers, but Tillie remains by the door, crying quietly. “This is what you want, right? To find out all my deepest, darkest secrets? Your mum made me feel like that weak kid all over again, today.” She shakes her head and swipes at her tear-stained face. “Oh right, these stories are too much for your fairy tale head,” I snap. “They don’t make good happy ever afters. Well, if that’s what you were looking for, maybe you should have stayed in Ethan’s bed,” I hiss, and I know it’s the final straw. She pulls the door open and rushes out the room.
TILLIE
I don’t bother waiting for the lift to come. I take to the stairs, rushing down as fast as my legs will carry me. I don’t stop until I break out into the street. I glance up to the balcony, where we shared something so amazing just minutes before that vile conversation, and Blade is looking down at me. We lock eyes for a few seconds, and then I walk away. It’s not his story that broke me, as awful as it was, but the venom in his voice as he spat those words at me. I’m not so self-absorbed that I don’t know that shit goes on in the world, but I wasn’t expecting him to say all that stuff. And then to throw Ethan at me . . . again. All we ever do is fight or fuck. I think back to when the ol’ ladies were talking weeks ago about the only time they feel close to their men is when they’re in bed with them, and that’s pretty much accurate to how I feel right now. Maybe it’s why I let him into my bed every time he touches me, it’s the only time I feel connected to him.
I walk around for an hour in the hope that Blade will be asleep when I get back. I don’t want to talk anymore tonight. We go around in circles—one minute we’re fine and everything is normal, and the next, we’re fighting or there’s some other kind of drama.
At the hotel, the concierge signals for me to go over. She smiles kindly and holds out a key card. “Your gentleman guest left this at the desk for you. He was worried you didn’t take yours when you left for your walk,” she says. I take it, grateful that he calmed enough to worry about me. And maybe he’s asleep, which is why he left this down here for me.
I push the hotel room door open and the bed is empty. “Blade?” I whisper into the darkness. There’s nothing and my heart skips a beat. I push the bathroom door open, then go out onto the balcony. He’s not here either.
I rush back down to the concierge. “Was there a problem with the card?” she asks.
I shake my head. “Where did he go after he left this? Did he leave?”
/> “Yes. He settled the account for the next week and also left his card details for any extra room charges.”
Chapter Nineteen
BLADE
The drive back to London seems to take so much longer than the journey took going up to Scotland. So much has changed since our drive up there.
When I finally get back to the club, I have six missed calls from Tillie and one voicemail message. I press the playback button and her voice breaks my heart. I can tell she’s been crying. “How could you do this? You didn’t even wait so you could tell me face to face. I mean . . . it’s clearly for the best . . . and I’m glad I didn’t find out what a coward you were further down the line. It’s good this happened now. I had the concierge charge your card back. I don’t need you to pay for me to stay here because I plan to come home. Believe it or not, Blade, I had a life before you and I won’t have you dictate where I can and can’t live. Shit, the lengths you went to to get me out of London.”
I curse under my breath. Why the fuck can’t she do as she’s told? I pull out the plastic stick and stare at the little window telling me that Tillie is four weeks pregnant. She’s crazy thinking I’ve fucking left her for good. I’m here to put an end to Acid and all his fucking men.
Riggs looks surprised to see me when I enter his office minutes later, throwing the stick down on his desk. He peers at it and screws his face up. “Is that what I think it is?”
“I’m gonna be a dad,” I say.
“You chucked this piss stick on my fucking desk?” he snaps, and I put it back in my pocket.
“So I need a plan.”
“Where’s your lucky lady?”
“In Scotland. She doesn’t know she’s pregnant yet,” I explain.
He stares at me for a second, an expression full of confusion. “I don’t even wanna know how you found out about her pregnancy before she did,” he mutters. “Scotland’s probably the best place for her right now,” he agrees. “Blu wants us to meet in church in an hour. He’s got some plan he wants to run past us.”