The Adventures of Catvinkle

by Elliot Perlman

  ‘Well,’ said Ula, ‘if other cats and kittens have seen you do your baby-shoe dancing, then they will know that this is a type of dance that you like to do.’

  ‘I don’t just like doing it, I’m very good at doing it. Excellent, really. Sorry, what was the question?’

  ‘Well, if these other cats and kittens at Kittens Anonymous have seen you baby-shoe dance, how can it be a secret?’

  ‘Oh, I think I understand,’ Catvinkle said. ‘Maybe some cats know and others have forgotten, but no one else knows except some of them and now you.’

  Ula moved her head from side to side, suggesting she really was having trouble understanding.

  ‘Look, Ula,’ Catvinkle went on, ‘here’s the secret to secrets: they belong to you, or in this case to me. It’s up to me to decide what is a secret and what isn’t. A long time ago I decided that my baby-shoe dancing was one of my secrets. So it’s a secret. Okay! It’s as simple as that.’

  ‘So it doesn’t matter how many cats know?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Yes, of course it matters how many cats know!’ said Catvinkle, getting a tiny bit frustrated with the wide-eyed dog before her.

  ‘I don’t get it,’ said Ula.

  ‘I can’t be expected to make perfect sense all the time. Get it, purr-fect sense?!’

  ‘I don’t get it,’ said Ula again.

  ‘It’s a cat joke. I’ve got to remember that one. Next question, please,’ said Catvinkle.

  Ula perked up, and her tail started wagging to and fro in time with her heartbeat at the idea of asking another question. ‘What does baby-shoe dancing look like? Would you do some baby-shoe dancing for me?’

  ‘But I’ve only just met you. And, anyway, you’re a dog,’ said Catvinkle.

  ‘Yes, I am a dog, but dogs are really great.’

  ‘Look, Ula, you see these paws, these whiskers and this tail? I’m a cat. I’m never going to agree with you about that. I can’t!’ said Catvinkle, standing on her two bottom paws with her tail swishing about behind her.

  Ula thought for a moment. ‘What if you practised your baby-shoe dancing and I just happened to be here?’ she suggested.

  ‘Well, I do have to practise. But you’d have to promise two things: that you won’t tell anyone, and that you accept that I’m not dancing for you. I need to practise my routine so I can beat Twinkiepaws, and you just happen to be here in the room.’

  ‘Okay, I could promise that.’

  Catvinkle put one of her bottom paws in the right baby shoe and one of her bottom paws in the left. With her eyes closed, Catvinkle counted softly to herself, ‘One, two, three,’ and began to dance. She swung her rump to the left and then to the right and back again, with her tail going the opposite way. Then she did a backflip in one direction and then another in the opposite direction.

  ‘Wow!’ said Ula.

  Both Catvinkle and Ula were so absorbed in Catvinkle’s dancing that they didn’t hear the sound of Mr Sabatini’s footsteps getting closer and closer until suddenly the half-closed door burst open.

  Catvinkle was so surprised when the door hit her in the tail that she jumped up high in the air. Mr Sabatini stood in the doorway, expecting to see both Catvinkle and his new friend, Ula, but he saw only Ula.

  ‘Where is Catvinkle?’ Mr Sabatini asked. But before Ula could try to say anything, he added, ‘Oh, she must have gone out. I just wanted to see that you hadn’t run out of water. I’ll come back later. I have to give Anja and Ferdi their haircuts. They’re visiting with their aunt. I’ve finished doing her hair, and now it’s the children’s turn. I’ll come back and check in on you later.’

  And with that he left. Ula trotted around to look behind the door. She thought she’d seen something quite extraordinary when Catvinkle had leapt into the air. She looked up towards the ceiling and there was Catvinkle, high up in the air, hovering in one spot. Ula could hardly believe her eyes. Catvinkle had her front paws tucked in under her, the bottom paws dangling like the legs of a human, and her tail was going round and round, with the bow at the tip of her tail spinning.

  ‘What are you doing up there?’

  ‘I got a fright,’ said Catvinkle, ‘and I jumped.’

  ‘But how do you get so high? And how do you manage to stay there?’

  ‘That’s secret number three,’ said Catvinkle, who felt as though she had been caught and forced to give up what was perhaps her most important secret. ‘I can fly,’ she said, trying to make it sound like the most normal thing in the world for a cat to say.

  Ula was so surprised to see Catvinkle hovering above her that she dropped to her tummy on the floor, arching her back and stretching out her front paws so that she made the shape of the letter ‘U’.

  ‘You can fly?!’ she exclaimed.

  ‘But I can’t stay up forever,’ said the flying Catvinkle.

  Catvinkle’s fluffy tail was spinning very fast, faster and faster, round and round like a merry-go-round that was out of control. The red bow on Catvinkle’s tail spun like the propeller on a helicopter, blowing air around the room. Ula could not believe her eyes.

  ‘I get tired if I do this for long. In fact, I’m getting tired now,’ said Catvinkle. ‘Oh no! I think I’m going to f-a-a-all.’

  And with that, Catvinkle fell right on top of Ula and her face came to rest buried in Ula’s fur.

  Ula didn’t know what to think. On the one paw, it was a shock to have someone suddenly fall on your back, especially if that someone was a cat.

  On another paw, it felt quite good to have something nice and warm to take the chill off your fur, a bit like a blanket, a furry one that was breathing.

  There were still two more paws to consider. On the one back paw, it felt like a massage or at least a very good pat to have the claws of the out-of-breath cat kneading on top of Ula’s back so as not to fall off and onto the floor.

  With one last paw to consider how she felt to have this cat fall from the ceiling on top of her, Ula realised it was scary to think that the cat might complain about the smell of wet dog, just like the humans in the hotels had complained.

  ‘What’s that smell?’ Catvinkle asked.

  ‘Oh no, you’re probably going to say I smell wet and that you hate the smell of wet dog,’ said Ula. ‘Go ahead, you might as well. Everybody says it.’

  ‘No, not at all! It’s all … musky. It’s like a beautiful musky … mmm! I feel so calm and relaxed breathing in this musky smell.’

  Catvinkle buried her nose into Ula’s fur. ‘I love this smell! It’s the best smell I’ve ever smelled. Is that how you always smell?’

  ‘I think so,’ said Ula. ‘I’m not really sure because to me I don’t smell like anything.’

  Catvinkle had smelled some good smells in her time – the hyacinths in Vondelpark, the herring at Friend’s Herring Shop on the first day of herring season, sour milk that’s been left in the sun and, of course, old socks – but this unexpected musky dog smell was a life-changing smell. She never would have imagined that she would sit calmly and happily on the back of a dog. But here she was on the back of a dog and she didn’t want to move.

  ‘Oh no, you do have a smell. And it’s wonderful.’ Catvinkle balanced herself so she was sitting right in the centre of Ula’s back. She had been warned about dogs all her life. The cats she knew said terrible things about dogs. But if a dog could smell that good, how bad could they be? This dog didn’t seem so bad at all.

  ‘I think we should get to know each other even more than we already do. You and your musk have to stay right here!’ said Catvinkle.

  Catvinkle was still lying on top of Ula, breathing in the musky scent from her coat of fur when Ula asked if she would mind if she had a drink from Catvinkle’s water bowl.

  ‘What’s that, dear musky-smelling dog? Did you say something? Some water? Yes, of course. You must consider my water bowl your water bowl,’ said the blissed-out cat.

  ‘Thank you, that’s most kind of you,’ said Ula.

  She
made her way awkwardly over to the water bowl with Catvinkle on her back. Usually she walked quite quickly with a happy little side-to-side swing. But this was careful, slow and steady, with Ula not wanting Catvinkle to think she was trying to tip her off. It was more the way an elephant would walk, a very old one.

  ‘I wonder if I could ask you for two other things without you thinking me rude,’ said Ula.

  ‘Ask away, my musky canine friend.’

  ‘Well, first, would you mind terribly taking a break from lying on my back?’

  ‘Of course, Wet. Do you mind if I call you “Wet”?’

  ‘Actually, I would prefer Ula.’

  ‘Certainly, Ulee. Anything you say,’ Catvinkle said, still in an almost dream-like state.

  ‘And the other thing I was going to ask …’ Ula hesitated.

  ‘Anything, anything, if you’ll promise to go on smelling like that,’ said Catvinkle.

  ‘But I don’t know how I’m doing it,’ explained Ula.

  ‘No, neither do I, but don’t go changing anything. Have you ever heard the expression “a leopard can’t change its spots”?’ Catvinkle asked.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Can a Dalmatian change her spots?’ asked Catvinkle.

  ‘No, I don’t think so,’ replied Ula.

  ‘Fascinating, fascinating. I’ve always found Dalmatians to be one of the most fascinating and least objectionable dogs ever to come into my mind and sit there for a while.’

  ‘You’re really too kind,’ said Ula. ‘But would you like to hear the other thing I was going to ask you?’

  ‘What? Oh yes, do go on, Ulee. What’s the other thing?’

  ‘Well,’ said Ula, ‘I’m so hungry. Do you think I could have something to eat?’

  ‘Yes, of course. Where are my manners?’ Catvinkle asked herself, still lying comfortably stretched out atop Ula’s back.

  ‘Under your basket?’ Ula suggested.

  ‘Follow me, Ulee. We’ll go into the salon where Mr Sabatini is doing the children’s hair. I know how to remind him to feed us. I tend not to actually speak to him with words. Perhaps I will one day, but the shock of my talking could cause him to faint and I wouldn’t want that. I’m much too small to catch him if he fell – although I could soften his fall, I suppose. Anyway, not a word to anyone about my secrets. Okay?’

  ‘You mean the baby-shoe dancing and the flying?’

  ‘Yes, or the fact that I really only have two secrets.’

  Catvinkle led Ula upstairs, where Mr Sabatini had just finished cutting the children’s hair. The children were sitting next to each other in the hallway, swinging their legs, looking bored and maybe even a little sad while their aunt talked to Mr Sabatini.

  ‘The weather is so surprising for this time of year. I didn’t expect it to start raining cats and dogs,’ the aunt was saying, just as Catvinkle and Ula walked into the salon. The appearance of the cat and dog just at that moment made the children laugh.

  ‘Well, that’s quite an entrance,’ said Mr Sabatini.

  ‘I didn’t know you had a dog, Mr Sabatini,’ said Anja, the young girl.

  ‘To tell you the truth, Anja, neither did I and neither did Catvinkle. We just met this morning and here we are. But you two seem to be getting on all right,’ said Mr Sabatini, addressing his comments to both Catvinkle and Ula. At this Catvinkle meowed and rubbed the side of her body up against Mr Sabatini’s leg.

  ‘I think that means “yes”, Mr Sabatini,’ said Anja’s brother, Ferdi.

  ‘Or perhaps that she wants some food,’ said Mr Sabatini.

  Catvinkle was enjoying showing Ula around the salon. In fact, she realised to her own amazement that she really did want Ula to stay. Was it because of the musky smell? Yes, that was definitely a big part of it. But there was more to Catvinkle’s decision to welcome the dog.

  Much to Catvinkle’s surprise, she found herself enjoying the company of this very polite Dalmatian. It was much better than being alone so much of the time. She imagined it might be fun to have a friend to play with inside the house.

  Ula was a dog and this might cause problems for Catvinkle if other cats found out. But Catvinkle decided that in front of any nosy cats or kittens she could just pretend that living with this dog had been forced on her by her human. She could tell another cat, ‘It wasn’t my idea but Mr Sabatini wanted a dog so much that I finally said “yes”. You have to give humans their own way every now and then, you know.’

  Of course, the Dalmatian would have to be trained. Dogs weren’t as naturally good as cats at living inside and with people. They don’t always know when to shut up, she thought, as Ula put her snout to Catvinkle’s ear.

  ‘Food?’ Ula coughed in what sounded to the humans like a little bark.

  Catvinkle turned her neck around so she was facing Ula. ‘I’m working on it,’ she whispered.

  Then she rubbed the top of her head against the lower part of Mr Sabatini’s leg.

  ‘Oh, I definitely know what this means!’ Mr Sabatini said. ‘Catvinkle is hungry, and I’m sure her new friend, Ula, is too.’

  Mr Sabatini excused himself from the aunt for just long enough to go to the kitchen. He filled Catvinkle’s bowl with delicious pink salmon caught in the sea only the day before. He put more in another bowl for Ula, saying to her, ‘I’m sorry, Ula, I didn’t know you were coming so I don’t have anything especially for dogs. I hope you enjoy the salmon. Catvinkle thinks it’s delicious, don’t you?’

  Again, Catvinkle rubbed the top of her head against the lower part of Mr Sabatini’s leg to show that she did, indeed, think it extremely delicious.

  ‘I’d better get back to the salon and redo the aunt’s hair. She’s changed her mind and now wants a beehive, and that can take a lot of time. I think Anja and Ferdi are keen to get home. I’d hoped their new haircuts would make them happier but I don’t think the haircuts have helped very much. Perhaps you two could come and spend some time with the children, once you’ve finished your snack?’

  Mr Sabatini left the kitchen and went back to the salon.

  ‘A beehive! Who wears a beehive on their head? I’ve never heard of such a thing!’ said Ula.

  ‘You’re quite right about that, Ulee,’ Catvinkle agreed. ‘Best not to think about someone putting a house for stinging insects on their head. Let’s think about food instead.’

  The two animals sniffed their bowls, Catvinkle with pleasure and Ula with suspicion.

  ‘So this is salmon?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Yes,’ said Catvinkle. ‘It’s not herring, which is my favourite, but this is one of my favourites. Mr Sabatini knows I like it so he gets it for me. He gives the fishermen haircuts and in return they deliver fresh fish. It’s a marvellous situation for a cat to be in. Why don’t you try some?’

  Ula was very hungry, but she’d never eaten salmon before and was a bit frightened to try it.

  ‘Do cats eat salmon a lot?’ she asked Catvinkle.

  ‘As much as we can,’ answered Catvinkle. ‘We love it.’

  ‘Catvinkle?’ Ula began.

  Catvinkle was burying her face in the salmon as deeply as she could. ‘Yes, Ulee,’ came her salmon-coated voice from the bottom of her bowl.

  ‘Catvinkle, do you think that if I eat the salmon I’ll become …’ Ula couldn’t finish the question.

  ‘Become what, Ulee?’

  ‘Do you think I’ll become … a bit like a cat?’

  ‘I wish it were that simple,’ answered Catvinkle. ‘It would make things a lot easier if just by eating salmon we could turn you into a cat. Then I could take you out with me into the town. I could take you to Kittens Anonymous and you could even be my partner in the National Kitten Baby-Shoe Dancing Competition. I’m invited with a guest, you know.’

  ‘But I like going to Puppies Anonymous,’ said Ula.

  ‘That’s not a place for cats,’ said Catvinkle, lifting her head just for a moment from the salmon and shaking it. ‘It’s full of dogs!’

&nb
sp; ‘But I’m not a cat!’ protested Ula.

  ‘Sadly, no. But try the salmon anyway. You’ll love it. Don’t you like trying new things?’

  ‘Not sure. I never choose to try new things but sometimes I just have to. Do you like trying new things?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Oh yes. Sometimes I’ll take my water before my salmon and sometimes I’ll take my water after my salmon. A couple of times – and this will blow your mind – I’ve started my salmon then had a few licks of water and then gone back to my salmon, licking the bowl clean with both sides of my tongue. Crazy, I know! But I’m that kind of cat. I live on the edge!’

  ‘My goodness, you’re so adventurous!’ exclaimed Ula.

  ‘What can I say?’ said Catvinkle. ‘I’m very lucky to lead such an interesting life. Are you going to eat that lovely pink salmon, Ulee? No pressure, but if you’re not …’

  For the first time ever, Ula put her snout into a bowl of salmon. Sniff, sniff, she went. Then she put her tongue on it, just a bit. Then a bit more. Then she took a little bite. Then she took a big bite. In fact, it was such a big bite that she cleaned her bowl of every bit of salmon right then and there. Catvinkle was amazed. She had never seen salmon disappear so quickly.

  ‘Wow, Ulee, they can’t even swim that fast!’

  ‘It was delicious!’ said Ula.

  ‘I’m so glad you liked it. I think you’re really going to enjoy living here,’ Catvinkle said.

  Just then Ula’s ears stood up. She thought she heard a sound outside the kitchen. ‘What’s that? It sounds like a child crying. Do you hear it?’

  But Catvinkle had her mind on something else. ‘Ulee, there’s a little piece of salmon hanging from the end of your snout. Do you mind if I just lean in and …’

  Before Catvinkle finished her own sentence, she found herself straining her neck to reach the tip of Ula’s snout. She stuck out her tongue, scooped the tiny piece of hanging salmon onto it and gobbled it up.

  After she had done this, both Catvinkle and Ula heard a very different sound. First Ula had heard crying. Now it sounded like two children laughing.