Quo Vadis: A Narrative of the Time of Nero

by Henryk Sienkiewicz

  Chapter XXIX

  VINICUS received no answer to this letter. Petronius did not write,thinking evidently that Caesar might command a return to Rome any day. Infact, news of it was spread in the city, and roused great delight in thehearts of the rabble, eager for games with gifts of grain and olives,great supplies of which had been accumulated in Ostia. Helius, Nero'sfreedman, announced at last the return in the Senate. But Nero,having embarked with his court on ships at Misenum, returned slowly,disembarking at coast towns for rest, or exhibitions in theatres. Heremained between ten and twenty days in Minturna, and even thoughtto return to Naples and wait there for spring, which was earlier thanusual, and warm. During all this time Vinicius lived shut up in hishouse, thinking of Lygia, and all those new things which occupied hissoul, and brought to it ideas and feelings foreign to it thus far. Hesaw, from time to time, only Glaucus the physician, every one of whosevisits delighted him, for he could converse with the man about Lygia.Glaucus knew not, it is true, where she had found refuge, but he gaveassurance that the elders were protecting her with watchful care. Oncetoo, when moved by the sadness of Vinicius, he told him that Peter hadblamed Crispus for reproaching Lygia with her love. The young patrician,hearing this, grew pale from emotion. He had thought more than once thatLygia was not indifferent to him, but he fell into frequent doubt anduncertainty. Now for the first time he heard the confirmation of hisdesires and hopes from strange lips, and, besides, those of a Christian.At the first moment of gratitude he wished to run to Peter. When helearned, however, that he was not in the city, but teaching in theneighborhood, he implored Glaucus to accompany him thither, promising tomake liberal gifts to the poor community. It seemed to him, too, that ifLygia loved him, all obstacles were thereby set aside, as he was readyat any moment to honor Christ. Glaucus, though he urged him persistentlyto receive baptism, would not venture to assure him that he would gainLygia at once, and said that it was necessary to desire the religion forits own sake, through love of Christ, not for other objects. "Onemust have a Christian soul, too," said he. And Vinicius, though everyobstacle angered him, had begun to understand that Glaucus, as aChristian, said what he ought to say. He had not become clearlyconscious that one of the deepest changes in his nature was this,--thatformerly he had measured people and things only by his own selfishness,but now he was accustoming himself gradually to the thought that othereyes might see differently, other hearts feel differently, and thatjustice did not mean always the same as personal profit.

  He wished often to see Paul of Tarsus, whose discourse made him curiousand disturbed him. He arranged in his mind arguments to overthrow histeaching, he resisted him in thought; still he wished to see him and tohear him. Paul, however, had gone to Aricium, and, since the visits ofGlaucus had become rarer, Vinicius was in perfect solitude. He beganagain to run through back streets adjoining the Subura, and narrow lanesof the Trans-Tiber, in the hope that even from a distance he might seeLygia. When even that hope failed him, weariness and impatience began torise in his heart. At last the time came when his former nature was feltagain mightily, like that onrush of a wave to the shore from which ithad receded. It seemed to him that he had been a fool to no purpose,that he had stuffed his head with things which brought sadness, that heought to accept from life what it gives. He resolved to forget Lygia, orat least to seek pleasure and the use of things aside from her. He feltthat this trial, however, was the last, and he threw himself into itwith all the blind energy of impulse peculiar to him. Life itself seemedto urge him to this course.

  THE APPIAN WAY. From the painting by G. Boulanger.

  The city, torpid and depopulated by winter, began to revive with hopeof the near coming of Caesar. A solemn reception was in waiting for him.Meanwhile spring was there; the snow on the Alban Hills had vanishedunder the breath of winds from Africa. Grass-plots in the gardens werecovered with violets. The Forums and the Campus Martius were filled withpeople warmed by a sun of growing heat. Along the Appian Way, the usualplace for drives outside the city, a movement of richly ornamentedchariots had begun. Excursions were made to the Alban Hills. Youthfulwomen, under pretext of worshipping Juno in Lanuvium, or Diana inAricia, left home to seek adventures, society, meetings, and pleasurebeyond the city. Here Vinicius saw one day among lordly chariots thesplendid car of Chrysothemis, preceded by two Molossian dogs; it wassurrounded by a crowd of young men and by old senators, whose positiondetained them in the city. Chrysothemis, driving four Corsican poniesherself, scattered smiles round about, and light strokes of a goldenwhip; but when she saw Vinicius she reined in her horses, took him intoher car, and then to a feast at her house, which lasted all night. Atthat feast Vinicius drank so much that he did not remember when theytook him home; he recollected, however, that when Chrysothemis mentionedLygia he was offended, and, being drunk, emptied a goblet of Falernianon her head. When he thought of this in soberness, he was angrier still.But a day later Chrysothemis, forgetting evidently the injury, visitedhim at his house, and took him to the Appian Way a second time. Thenshe supped at his house, and confessed that not only Petronius, but hislute-player, had grown tedious to her long since, and that her heart wasfree now. They appeared together for a week, but the relation did notpromise permanence. After the Falernian incident, however, Lygia's namewas never mentioned, but Vinicius could not free himself from thoughtsof her. He had the feeling always that her eyes were looking at hisface, and that feeling filled him, as it were, with fear. He suffered,and could not escape the thought that he was saddening Lygia, or theregret which that thought roused in him. After the first scene ofjealousy which Chrysothemis made because of two Syrian damsels whom hepurchased, he let her go in rude fashion. He did not cease at once frompleasure and license, it is true, but he followed them out of spite, asit were, toward Lygia. At last he saw that the thought of her didnot leave him for an instant; that she was the one cause of his evilactivity as well as his good; and that really nothing in the worldoccupied him except her. Disgust, and then weariness, mastered him.Pleasure had grown loathsome, and left mere reproaches. It seemed to himthat he was wretched, and this last feeling filled him with measurelessastonishment, for formerly he recognized as good everything whichpleased him. Finally, he lost freedom, self-confidence, and fell intoperfect torpidity, from which even the news of Caesar's coming could notrouse him. Nothing touched him, and he did not visit Petronius till thelatter sent an invitation and his litter.

  On seeing his uncle, though greeted with gladness, he replied to hisquestions unwillingly; but his feelings and thoughts, repressed for along time, burst forth at last, and flowed from his mouth in a torrentof words. Once more he told in detail the history of his search forLygia, his life among the Christians, everything which he had heard andseen there, everything which had passed through his head and heart; andfinally he complained that he had fallen into a chaos, in which werelost composure and the gift of distinguishing and judging. Nothing, hesaid, attracted him, nothing was pleasing; he did not know what to holdto, nor how to act. He was ready both to honor and persecute Christ;he understood the loftiness of His teaching, but he felt also anirresistible repugnance to it. He understood that, even should hepossess Lygia, he would not possess her completely, for he would have toshare her with Christ. Finally, he was living as if not living,--withouthope, without a morrow, without belief in happiness; around him wasdarkness in which he was groping for an exit, and could not find it.

  Petronius, during this narrative, looked at his changed face, at hishands, which while speaking he stretched forth in a strange manner, asif actually seeking a road in the darkness, and he fell to thinking. Allat once he rose, and, approaching Vinicius, caught with his fingers thehair above his ear.

  "Dost know," asked he, "that thou hast gray hairs on thy temple?"

  "Perhaps I have," answered Vinicius; "I should not be astonished wereall my hair to grow white soon."

  Silence followed. Petronius was a man of sense, and more than oncehe meditated on the soul of man and on life. In g
eneral, life, in thesociety in which they both lived, might be happy or unhappy externally,but internally it was at rest. Just as a thunderbolt or an earthquakemight overturn a temple, so might misfortune crush a life. In itself,however, it was composed of simple and harmonious lines, free ofcomplication. But there was something else in the words of Vinicius, andPetronius stood for the first time before a series of spiritual snarlswhich no one had straightened out hitherto. He was sufficiently a man ofreason to feel their importance, but with all his quickness he couldnot answer the questions put to him. After a long silence, he said atlast,--

  "These must be enchantments."

  "I too have thought so," answered Vinicius; "more than once it seemed tome that we were enchanted, both of us."

  "And if thou," said Petronius, "were to go, for example, to the priestsof Serapis? Among them, as among priests in general, there are manydeceivers, no doubt; but there are others who have reached wonderfulsecrets."

  He said this, however, without conviction and with an uncertain voice,for he himself felt how empty and even ridiculous that counsel must seemon his lips.

  Vinicius rubbed his forehead, and said: "Enchantments! I have seensorcerers who employed unknown and subterranean powers to their personalprofit; I have seen those who used them to the harm of their enemies.But these Christians live in poverty, forgive their enemies, preachsubmission, virtue, and mercy; what profit could they get fromenchantments, and why should they use them?"

  Petronius was angry that his acuteness could find no reply; not wishing,however, to acknowledge this, he said, so as to offer an answer of somekind,--"That is a new sect." After a while he added: "By the divinedweller in Paphian groves, how all that injures life! Thou wilt admirethe goodness and virtue of those people; but I tell thee that they arebad, for they are enemies of life, as are diseases, and death itself.As things are, we have enough of these enemies; we do not need theChristians in addition. Just count them: diseases, Caesar, Tigellinus,Caesar's poetry, cobblers who govern the descendants of ancient Quirites,freedmen who sit in the Senate. By Castor! there is enough of this. Thatis a destructive and disgusting sect. Hast thou tried to shake thyselfout of this sadness, and make some little use of life?"

  "I have tried," answered Vinicius.

  "Ah, traitor!" said Petronius, laughing; "news spreads quickly throughslaves; thou hast seduced from me Chrysothemis!"

  Vinicius waved his hand in disgust.

  "In every case I thank thee," said Petronius. "I will send her a pair ofslippers embroidered with pearls. In my language of a lover that means,'Walk away.' I owe thee a double gratitude,--first, thou didst notaccept Eunice; second, thou hast freed me from Chrysothemis. Listen tome! Thou seest before thee a man who has risen early, bathed, feasted,possessed Chrysothemis, written satires, and even at times interwovenprose with verses, but who has been as wearied as Caesar, and oftenunable to unfetter himself from gloomy thoughts. And dost thou know whythat was so? It was because I sought at a distance that which was near.A beautiful woman is worth her weight always in gold; but if she lovesin addition, she has simply no price. Such a one thou wilt not buy withthe riches of Verres. I say now to myself as follows: I will fill mylife with happiness, as a goblet with the foremost wine which the earthhas produced, and I will drink till my hand becomes powerless andmy lips grow pale. What will come, I care not; and this is my latestphilosophy."

  "Thou hast proclaimed it always; there is nothing new in it."

  "There is substance, which was lacking."

  When he had said this, he called Eunice, who entered dressed in whitedrapery,--the former slave no longer, but as it were a goddess of loveand happiness.

  Petronius opened his arms to her, and said,--"Come."

  At this she ran up to him, and, sitting on his knee, surrounded his neckwith her arms, and placed her head on his breast. Vinicius saw how areflection of purple began to cover her cheeks, how her eyes meltedgradually in mist. They formed a wonderful group of love and happiness.Petronius stretched his hand to a flat vase standing at one side on atable, and, taking a whole handful of violets, covered with them thehead, bosom, and robe of Eunice; then he pushed the tunic from her arms,and said,--

  "Happy he who, like me, has found love enclosed in such a form! At timesit seems to me that we are a pair of gods. Look thyself! Has Praxiteles,or Miron, or Skopas, or Lysias even, created more wonderful lines? Ordoes there exist in Paros or in Pentelicus such marble as this,--warm,rosy, and full of love? There are people who kiss off the edges ofvases, but I prefer to look for pleasure where it may be found really."

  He began to pass his lips along her shoulders and neck. She waspenetrated with a quivering; her eyes now closed, now opened, with anexpression of unspeakable delight. Petronius after a while raised herexquisite head, and said, turning to Vinicius,--"But think now, what arethy gloomy Christians in comparison with this? And if thou understandnot the difference, go thy way to them. But this sight will cure thee."

  Vinicius distended his nostrils, through which entered the odor ofviolets, which filled the whole chamber, and he grew pale; for hethought that if he could have passed his lips along Lygia's shouldersin that way, it would have been a kind of sacrilegious delight so greatthat let the world vanish afterward! But accustomed now to a quickperception of that which took place in him, he noticed that at thatmoment he was thinking of Lygia, and of her only.

  "Eunice," said Petronius, "give command, thou divine one, to preparegarlands for our heads and a meal."

  When she had gone out he turned to Vinicius.

  "I offered to make her free, but knowest thou what she answered?--'Iwould rather be thy slave than Caesar's wife!' And she would not consent.I freed her then without her knowledge. The pretor favored me by notrequiring her presence. But she does not know that she is free, as alsoshe does not know that this house and all my jewels, excepting the gems,will belong to her in case of my death." He rose and walked through theroom, and said: "Love changes some more, others less, but it has changedeven me. Once I loved the odor of verbenas; but as Eunice prefersviolets, I like them now beyond all other flowers, and since spring camewe breathe only violets."

  Here he stopped before Vinicius and inquired,--"But as to thee, dostthou keep always to nard?"

  "Give me peace!" answered the young man.

  "I wished thee to see Eunice, and I mentioned her to thee, because thou,perhaps, art seeking also at a distance that which is near. Maybe forthee too is beating, somewhere in the chambers of thy slaves, a true andsimple heart. Apply such a balsam to thy wounds. Thou sayest thatLygia loves thee? Perhaps she does. But what kind of love is thatwhich abdicates? Is not the meaning this,--that there is another forcestronger than her love? No, my dear, Lygia is not Eunice."

  "All is one torment merely," answered Vinicius. "I saw thee kissingEunice's shoulders, and I thought then that if Lygia would lay hers bareto me I should not care if the ground opened under us next moment. Butat the very thought of such an act a certain dread seized me, as if Ihad attacked some vestal or wished to defile a divinity. Lygia is notEunice, but I understand the difference not in thy way. Love has changedthy nostrils, and thou preferrest violets to verbenas; but it haschanged my soul: hence, in spite of my misery and desire, I prefer Lygiato be what she is rather than to be like others."

  "In that case no injustice is done thee. But I do not understand theposition."

  "True, true!" answered Vinicius, feverishly. "We understand each otherno longer."

  Another moment of silence followed.

  "May Hades swallow thy Christians!" exclaimed Petronius. "They havefilled thee with disquiet, and destroyed thy sense of life. May Hadesdevour them! Thou art mistaken in thinking that their religion is good,for good is what gives people happiness, namely, beauty, love, power;but these they call vanity. Thou art mistaken in this, that they arejust; for if we pay good for evil, what shall we pay for good? Andbesides, if we pay the same for one and the other, why are people to begood?"

  "No, the pa
y is not the same; but according to their teaching it beginsin a future life, which is without limit."

  "I do not enter into that question, for we shall see hereafter if itbe possible to see anything without eyes. Meanwhile they are simplyincompetents. Ursus strangled Croton because he has limbs of bronze; butthese are mopes, and the future cannot belong to mopes."

  "For them life begins with death."

  "Which is as if one were to say, 'Day begins with night.' Hast thou theintent to carry off Lygia?"

  "No, I cannot pay her evil for good, and I swore that I would not."

  "Dost thou intend to accept the religion of Christ?"

  "I wish to do so, but my nature cannot endure it."

  "But wilt thou be able to forget Lygia?"

  "No."

  "Then travel."

  At that moment the slaves announced that the repast was ready; butPetronius, to whom it seemed that he had fallen on a good thought,said, on the way to the triclinium,--"Thou has ridden over a part of theworld, but only as a soldier hastening to his place of destination, andwithout halting by the way. Go with us to Achaea. Caesar has not given upthe journey. He will stop everywhere on the way, sing, receive crowns,plunder temples, and return as a triumphator to Italy. That willresemble somewhat a journey of Bacchus and Apollo in one person.Augustians, male and female, a thousand citharae. By Castor! that will beworth witnessing, for hitherto the world has not seen anything like it!"

  Here he placed himself on the couch before the table, by the side ofEunice; and when the slaves put a wreath of anemones on his head, hecontinued,--"What hast thou seen in Corbulo's service? Nothing. Hastthou seen the Grecian temples thoroughly, as I have,--I who was passingmore than two years from the hands of one guide to those of another?Hast thou been in Rhodes to examine the site of the Colossus? Hast thouseen in Panopeus, in Phocis, the clay from which Prometheus shaped man;or in Sparta the eggs laid by Leda; or in Athens the famous Sarmatianarmor made of horse-hoofs; or in Euboea the ship of Agamemnon; or thecup for whose pattern the left breast of Helen served? Hast thou seenAlexandria, Memphis, the Pyramids, the hair which Isis tore from herhead in grief for Osiris? Hast thou heard the shout of Memnon? The worldis wide; everything does not end at the Trans-Tiber! I will accompanyCaesar, and when he returns I will leave him and go to Cyprus; for itis the wish of this golden-haired goddess of mine that we offer dovestogether to the divinity in Paphos, and thou must know that whatever shewishes must happen."

  "I am thy slave," said Eunice.

  He rested his garlanded head on her bosom, and said with a smile,--"ThenI am the slave of a slave. I admire thee, divine one, from feet tohead!"

  Then he said to Vinicius: "Come with us to Cyprus. But first rememberthat thou must see Caesar. It is bad that thou hast not been with himyet; Tigellinus is ready to use this to thy disadvantage. He has nopersonal hatred for thee, it is true; but he cannot love thee, evenbecause thou art my sister's son. We shall say that thou wert sick. Wemust think over what thou art to answer should he ask thee about Lygia.It will be best to wave thy hand and say that she was with thee till shewearied thee. He will understand that. Tell him also that sickness keptthee at home; that thy fever was increased by disappointment at notbeing able to visit Naples and hear his song; that thou wert assisted tohealth only by the hope of hearing him. Fear no exaggeration. Tigellinuspromises to invent, not only something great for Caesar, but somethingenormous. I am afraid that he will undermine me; I am afraid too of thydisposition."

  "Dost thou know," said Vinicius, "that there are people who have no fearof Caesar, and who live as calmly as if he were non-existent?"

  "I know whom thou hast in mind--the Christians."

  "Yes; they alone. But our life,--what is it if not unbroken terror?"

  "Do not mention thy Christians. They fear not Caesar, because he has noteven heard of them perhaps; and in every case he knows nothing of them,and they concern him as much as withered leaves. But I tell thee thatthey are incompetents. Thou feelest this thyself; if thy nature isrepugnant to their teaching, it is just because thou feelest theirincompetence. Thou art a man of other clay; so trouble not thyself or mewith them. We shall be able to live and die, and what more they will beable to do is unknown."

  These words struck Vinicius; and when he returned home, he began tothink that in truth, perhaps, the goodness and charity of Christians wasa proof of their incompetience of soul. It seemed to him that peopleof strength and temper could not forgive thus. It came to his head thatthis must be the real cause of the repulsion which his Roman soulfelt toward their teaching. "We shall be able to live and die!" saidPetronius. As to them, they know only how to forgive, and understandneither true love nor true hatred.