Cruise Control: A Humorous Cruise Ship Cozy Mystery (Cruise Ship Cozy Mysteries Book 11)

by A. R. Winters

  “We’re probably better off than the people on the ship, anyway,” Sam said. “LightningBlossom? Bunch of tech people. Think of how painful it’ll be for them. They’re more plugged in than we are.”

  “Their boss must be sadistic to be doing all of this.”

  I settled on the blueberry pancakes topped with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup. I ignored Cece and Sam’s amused looks. I needed the energy to keep up with Holly. “I assume he’s paying them for all of this, so that’s kind of nice. You ever hear of a boss buying a cruise for all of his employees?”

  Cece finished the giant glass of water in front of her. “Oh, you know how it is, Addy. Boss wants team building, for everyone to feel like a family. Like these corporate types actually care about employees.”

  “Also?” Sam said, looking at her phone while it still had a signal. “This isn’t just a trip for everyone to get to know one another. I’m supposed to help arrange something that’s called, uh… the Company World Championships?”

  “Company World Championships?” Cece leaned over to look at her phone. “What a cruddy name.”

  “They wanted to call it something else but the company’s legal team said no, so they changed it.”

  “It isn’t even a worldwide company.” Cece dropped back into her seat, rubbing her temples. “Why isn’t it just like, Company Championships, or Company Sporting Championships, or… a million other names that make more sense than Company World Championships?”

  “I have no idea, Cece. They say this Vernon guy is eccentric. Maybe he insisted on it?”

  “When are they doing these ‘Company World Championships?’” Whenever Cece said the phrase, it was now accompanied by very animated air quotes. I agreed that it was a silly name, but it seemed to offend Cece on a visceral level.

  “On the beach at Cozumel when we dock. There’s a bunch of bonding events planned, but mostly seems to be sandy versions of what you’d see at a company cookout.”

  “Sounds like a total nightmare. At least it won’t be on the ship so I won’t have to clean up the mess they would make of everything.”

  “You okay, Cece?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “You seem more irritable than you usually are, and you have a pretty high standard irritable level to begin with.”

  “Sorry. I’m a little on edge. I’m meeting Ryan’s parents soon.”

  I smiled. “Couldn’t figure out a way to get out of it this time?”

  After our last cruise, Ryan’s parents visited New Orleans for a few days and he’d hoped to introduce Cece to them. Cece let her insecurities get the better of her and ran off to her aunt’s inn for the duration of the leave, dragging me with her. To be fair, it had been a lovely visit and I’d enjoyed it. But now Cece had run out of excuses.

  She glared at me. “Yeah. I promised Ryan we’d visit them on our next shore leave.”

  “It’ll be fine,” Sam said encouragingly.

  “Well, I’m still nervous about it. I’m not crazy enough to believe I’m good enough to be with a doctor.”

  “That’s for Ryan to decide, Cece.”

  Cece rolled her eyes. “‘Meet my girlfriend, the housekeeper.’ Really makes a girl feel important.”

  I leaned forward, resting my chin on my hand. “Do you think being a housekeeper is something to feel ashamed about?”

  “What? No. It’s a job. I work super hard and bust my butt. I should be paid way more for what I do.”

  It was a hoot hearing that from Cece. She usually made it a point to avoid as much work as possible sometimes through very creative means.

  It simply told me she was a lot smarter than she thought she was. “Then why would you feel bad about it? Have some pride in what you do.”

  “Just… well, it feels like anyone can do what I do. I’m just a grunt pushing a cart around. I thought I’d be more than the stereotype of a Puerto Rican cleaning lady.”

  “Then why don’t you try to do something new? Weren’t you going to go to school?”

  Sam and I exchanged a silent glance. Part of the reason Cece worked on the cruise ship was to save up enough to go to college. She must have saved up enough by now.

  Cece shook her head. “Like it’s that simple. Working on this ship pays too much to walk away from, and it keeps me away from land most of the time. I can’t jump off the ship and swim to shore every time I have class.”

  Sam laughed. “You say this job doesn’t pay enough but it pays too much to walk away from?”

  “What? They’re not mutually exclusive claims.”

  I took another bite of my pancakes. “Sam, that’s not her point. Look, Cece, I know you were planning on going to college after you’d saved up enough. But these days, there are online courses you can take while you work on the ship.”

  “Are those for real? I thought they were all scams.”

  “You need to be careful about it, but there are plenty of legitimate programs.”

  Cece looked off into the distance, thinking about it.

  Sam looked from Cece to me. “It’s not like you need to make your mind up right away. They’re turning off the internet on the ship soon. For some reason.”

  Cece didn’t look pleased at the reminder. “Well, yeah. Not like I could complete a degree in five days, anyway.”

  “You’ll just have to face the harsh, looming judgment of Ryan’s parents as a housekeeper,” Sam said with a smirk. “I’m sure you’ll survive, Cece.”

  Cece groaned. “I’ve told you how stupidly rich they are, haven’t I?”

  “Ah! There you girls are.”

  I shifted in my seat.

  It was Kelly again, flanked by three people this time. A beast of a man, a woman who looked bored out of her mind, and… Holly. Again.

  “Adrienne, why was Holly wandering the halls and asking the ship staff random questions?”

  Holly beamed brightly. “I told you, Ms. Cline, Addy was encouraging me to learn about everything that goes on.”

  Kelly did not seem convinced. “Right. That’s exactly what she was doing.”

  “Some self-discovery is important,” I said, my smile not that genuine.

  My supervisor leaned in. “Don’t encourage your intern to wander around and harass the technical staff. It might make us look bad, Adrienne.”

  Was I supposed to babysit a woman who was the same age as me? If not older?

  She stood straighter. “Cece, Sam, glad you’re here. I wanted to talk to you two. I already introduced Adrienne to hers, but I’ve recruited interns to inject some new blood into the ship.”

  Sam glanced over at the three of them, sizing up the big guy. “Interns? I have an intern now?”

  Cece was even more confused. “I’m a housekeeper. This is the first time I ever heard of a housekeeping intern.”

  “Think of it as a trainee!” Kelly beamed.

  “Why don’t you call it that then?”

  “Because if I called them trainees, we’d have to use a certain p-word I am deliberately avoiding.”

  “P-word? I can think of a lot of words I’m not supposed to say out loud on this ship, but even I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

  Before Cece could say something unbecoming out loud, I whispered “pay” into her ear.

  “Oh. That p-word. These types of interns… Great. Sure. I’ll look after a housekeeping intern. Which one of these is mine? Guess it’s you?” Cece pointed at the bored woman.

  The woman’s lack of enthusiasm matched what mine would’ve been if I was told I needed to clean a bunch of ship’s cabins for no compensation other than ‘exposure.’

  “Oh, no, Jane is Sam’s intern. Brock here is yours, Cece.”

  Cece paused and looked up and down at the big man. “He wants to be a housekeeper?”

  “He signed up, Cece. I don’t discriminate on hiring, and he seems perfectly capable of doing the job. Brock, Cece. Cece, Brock.”

  Cece stood up, utterly dwarfed by her ‘intern,’ and it wasn’t like Cece
was a super short girl.

  Sam said, “So if Cece is working with this guy, and Holly is Addy’s intern, I guess it’s me and you then. Jane, was it?”

  “Yeah, whatever.” Jane crossed her arms and sat down on a nearby chair, pulling out her phone. Use it while you can, lady.

  “Good, good, that’s the right amount of enthusiasm for almost ten in the morning. You’ll be just fine, Jane.” I couldn’t tell if Sam was being sarcastic or not.

  As Cece and Sam were greeting their interns, I was reunited with mine, as tragic as that was.

  “I’m sorry that Ms. Cline doesn’t see the genius of your teaching techniques, Addy. I thought it was so smart.”

  What was I going to do with this girl?

  We enjoyed a nice hot breakfast between all of us, chatting and getting to know one another.

  Brock had apparently crashed and burned during his football career due to injuries and didn’t understand why some thought it weird a man like him wanted to become a housekeeper.

  Jane barely said anything other than, “What do you, like, do, anyway?”

  “Make sure the passengers are comfortable and help deal with any difficulties. It’s supposed to be their vacation,” Sam explained.

  She rolled her eyes. “Sounds lame.”

  I had high hopes for Jane. She had a bright future on the Swan.

  And Holly was Holly.

  “You can have ice cream on pancakes? That’s so cool. I should have gotten that. I’m going to get it next time. I didn’t even know you could do that!”

  Eating my huge stack of pancakes with ice cream was giving me a bit of a sugar rush, and I started to worry about what it was going to do to someone like Holly.

  Breakfast eaten, we went our separate ways, or in this case, Cece went off to do Cece things with her new behemoth intern, and I trailed behind Sam, not really knowing what I was expected to do.

  Sam seemed amused by the turn of events. “So you’re supposed to do customer liaison stuff with me?”

  “Yes. I guess Holly is too.”

  “Does that mean I’m your boss?” I saw the slightest hint of an evil grin on Sam’s face, and I knew she was hoping to use her power for nefarious means.

  I said, “If you are, it’s just for this trip. It’s because I can’t Twitter and Instagram with no internet connection, and I suppose Kelly really cares about these clients.”

  She laughed. “It’s not that difficult. Just be pleasant, listen to people. I guess ask me to see if you can actually do something for them.”

  “What? Do they make absurd requests of you sometimes?”

  “Usually once a trip I’ll get some idiot asking for something like a bathtub full of chocolate pudding.”

  We reached one of the decks, one with a view of the gangway. People were starting to pile onto it. “And I’m guessing that’s a no?”

  “Of course not, Addy. I went and filled their tub with chocolate pudding. I make dreams come true.”

  “Ha ha, you’re so funny,” I said with no emotion.

  Sam and I continued our people watching, Holly continuing to shadow us. Jane stayed in sight but her face was still buried deep in her phone.

  “Definitely a change of pace from our usual passengers.”

  We eyed the group boarding. They were dressed in jeans, shorts, and even some jean shorts. Their tops were mostly T-shirts with the occasional button-up. About half of them were wearing glasses, and eighty percent of them were guys, and scruffy ones at that.

  Nerds. They were nerds. Even the few girls among them hardly looked like they gave more than a passing interest in their appearance, or people around them, or had seen the outside of a brick building in months.

  “Is there a word for a herd of nerds?” Sam mused. “Nerdherd? Gaggle of geeks? Geekaplex?”

  “Call it what you want. I don’t think there’s a technical term.”

  “Whatever they are, I’m missing the army of male models already.”

  We looked at each other and smiled.

  The beauty cruise involving male models had been enjoyable, and the models had certainly been easy on the eyes.

  On the other hand, we’d faced a lot of issues on that cruise, and I’d be content if the nerds—while less pleasing on the eyes—caused fewer difficulties for us.

  Chapter Three

  They were piling in, going through security, and being checked to make sure they weren’t carrying anything dangerous. It was a pretty standard aspect of the boarding process, to make sure everything was in order before setting them free to enjoy themselves.

  Something, of course, was different this time.

  “You’re kidding, right?” One of them shouted. “They took your phone? Your laptop? And your tablet?”

  “Even my e-reader! They took everything!”

  “This has to be against the Geneva Convention.”

  The news was making its way through the crowd that this was by orders of the CEO, Vernon Dunn. The group was hostile at first. Anyone would be when you’re taking their expensive toys, but after learning that it was their eccentric CEO responsible?

  They were still angry.

  They understood that it was because of their weirdo boss, and had nothing to do with our cruise ship’s policies, but they were nevertheless still angry.

  “This is inhumane,” I said as I walked beside Sam. “They didn’t even tell them that this would all be techless? So that they could bring some books or something? Board games?”

  “Everything I’m getting from this CEO guy is that his head is way up in the clouds. He probably didn’t even tell security until yesterday.”

  They filed past us. Right now, Sam and I were just sort of keeping order, making sure everything was flowing nicely.

  “We should mutiny,” one of them said. “Overthrow the crew and get our stuff back.”

  “For taking our phones? That seems a bit extreme.”

  “My team is in the playoffs. I’ll make Vernon walk the plank if they win and I don’t know until a week later!”

  Sam and I shared glances as they continued. None of them talked about what the typical passenger would. About baking in the sun, swimming, eating all the delicious free food, or drinking enough to drown a fish.

  “We could get in the lifeboats and row back to shore, right? That’s what they’re there for!”

  “Man, the ship hasn’t even left yet. We could just walk back off the way we came.”

  “Yeah, and get fired? I want that IPO bonus that’s coming. I’ll make it somehow.”

  The man’s voice was breaking, almost as if he were about to burst into tears.

  As we stood there, Holly was right behind us, standing straight, her hands behind her back.

  I realized that’s what I was doing, so I instinctively shifted, crossing my arms in front of me.

  When she noticed, she did the same thing.

  “Hey, you! You shouldn’t go in there. That’s the door to the engine room!” I shouted as one of the nerds almost strayed from the path.

  “Yeah! Don’t go in there—it’s the engine room!” Holly yelled, mimicking my gestures.

  “At least there’s something made in the twenty-first century in there!” the man yelled back at us. “What kind of stupid trip is this? This is barbarism!”

  I didn’t call Holly on her mimicry. It wasn’t done to annoy me. She was too nice to be doing something out of spite or to mock me. She had that undeniable niceness, the kind that was so genuine and bright, but at the same time so unbelievably annoying.

  But she meant well. So I still felt like I couldn’t be a jerk to her.

  “Did you happen to hear from Jane?” Sam asked. “I haven’t seen her in a bit.”

  “Probably off enjoying her phone for a little bit longer before it gets cut off.”

  “Yeah, she’s getting the most out of her phone.” Holly nodded, arms crossed with a smile.

  The last waves of disgruntled nerds finally passed by, and then the fa
ncy vehicles began to pull up. The executives, of course. Had to keep themselves separate from the unwashed masses.

  Sam pointed toward a door. “We should get down there. We’re supposed to cater to them especially, lead them where they want to go. We’ll split up for ease of access. If they ask something not obvious to you, just come to me and I’ll try to handle it.”

  I nodded and made my way to the check-in area.

  Right behind me, of course, was Holly. I turned to her before she could follow me any further. “Just stay here. Be helpful. I believe in you.”

  “You do?” Her eyes lit up.

  “Uh, sure. I think you can handle giving out directions. I have complete faith in you.”

  I did not have complete faith in her. Instead, I feared she might talk the ear off anyone who dared to ask her a question.

  Whatever she’d do, I was free of her shadowing, if only for now.

  My focus shifted back toward the executives, who very much lived up to the image of executives. Suits, ties, power pantsuits, long skirts, the like. I didn’t know who Vernon Nunn was, but I had the strangest suspicion that he wouldn’t come to a cruise like he would a board meeting.

  “You want my what now?” one of the men said, his voice rising in front of the security that was checking him out. “My laptop is not a bomb, and I am offended that you would suggest that I would be carrying one.”

  The poor security guy pleaded with him. Hoo boy, these types of people.

  “Vernon’s orders? That man is trying to sink our company on purpose, I swear!”

  The pit of my stomach was telling me it was going to be one of those trips, but then again, maybe it was basic pattern recognition at this point.

  Every trip ended up as one of those trips on the Swan of the Seas.

  Chapter Four

  Seeing everyone to their cabins was an adventure in tedium. It didn’t help that they were still irritated about being disconnected from their toys for the first time in what was probably decades.

  I was learning how to control Holly in regard to maintaining my sanity. As Sam and I saw the executives and dealt with the immediate concerns of the rich and powerful, I left my intern in charge of dealing with the regular Joes and Joans of the company. With the wind taken out of their sails, they weren’t exactly itching to enjoy the cruise for the sake of the cruise, so all Holly really had to do was guide them to the International Buffet.